I was never a fan of Jurassic Park. I know it's considered a classic and everything, but come on. In what actual One Direction Dance Party Hell would somebody greenlight an amusement park where real dinosaurs could get the chance to eat people? Keep in mind this was before Kim Kardashian was around.
You would do it too.
One of the dumbest scenes in that movie was the one with the velociraptors in the cafeteria. It's like, are they serious? Velociraptors were awesome, and also kind of looked like Kim Kardashian now that I think about it, but there's no way they could have figured out how to push against a doorknob. That's where I checked out.
So that film always bugged me because I figured that it could never happen, but then I came across this ridiculous bullshit from Uproxx.com:
So the other day, I was on Facebook looking at random shit when I noticed that one of my friends had posted this:
WHAT THE FUCK.
The chances of me ever having the chance to go to Brazil, although it used to sound awesome, are right up there with landing a seven-figure job or getting five minutes alone with Baby Goose without them ending in a restraining order, but still. NO. This is just- no. I'm done. What circle of Hell is this? This is terrible.
Spiders don't stand a chance. Just sayin.
Everybody that knows me is aware that out of everything in life, bugs are the things that I hate the most, except for like, nuclear war and Justin Bieber. Remember this dude? I couldn't sleep for a week and a half after I found it in my bathroom.
Who said that this was OK??????
Spiders are the worst. I've always been petrified of them. Growing up, I used to get my brothers to run in and crush them mercilessly; now I make my boyfriend do it for me. Last week I was about to get in the shower when I noticed a small web in the corner and I swear to God the scream that I let out woke up dogs in the next three towns. Iron Man ran in because he probably thought I fell down or something and I was standing there, terrified, staring at the floor.
Me: There's a spider! In the bathroom. IM: Where?
(I point to it. He's probably seen crumbs bigger than that.) IM: Are you serious? Me: OH MY GOD KILL IT OH MY GOD.
(He kills it. Kind of.) Me: OH MY GOD IT RAN AWAY. IM: It didn't run away. Me: It's not in the napkin. IM: This is retarded. Get in the shower.
Over the course of the day I kept looking all over his apartment for what I now consider my most worthy adversary.
Every time I heard a rustling movement I jumped, just knowing that the spider had come back to take its revenge. It didn't help that Tits kept posting stuff on my Facebook page about murderous insects that put people in comas and shit like that, which she found hilarious but probably scarred me for life. I finally agreed to get into bed, and I lay there, staring at the ceiling. I decided to shake Iron Man awake, and he was less than appreciative. I can't imagine why.
Me: Will you please go find the spider? IM: It's 3am. Me: He's waiting for me. He wants my soul. IM: This is really happening right now. Me: Please? IM: Goodnight. Me: Please?
(At this point he's started ignoring me.) Me: Please? Me: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease? IM: Jesus fuck. Me: Fine. I'll kill it myself.
(Thirty Minutes Later) IM: Were you really in the bathroom for half an hour? Me: ...no. IM: Did you find it? Me: ...no.
As of today, that little fucker is still at large, and Iron Man is fully aware that he is dating an insane person (he has actually said, "I'm dating an insane person"). The fact that he has not been bestowed with a medal yet is pretty baffling to me; however, maybe that's what the spider wants. It's probably in the same Legion of Doom as the Two-Headed Snake.
Today in the US is Veteran's Day, a monumental day in American history because it celebrates our troops and all that they've contributed to our country over the past few centuries. I'm definitely not knocking this, considering the most significant achievement I've completed recently is a grilled cheese sandwich.
I'm awesome.
However, November 12th also marks another glorious feat which should not ever be overlooked. 32 years ago, even before my mother graced this planet with my existence (holy shit, I'm old), the world was introduced to Baby Goose.
This led to an epic chain of events that includes this video that doesn't make me a pedophile;
and culminates (so far) with this scene from the best film released in 2011 that did not result at all in my ladyboner.
Also none of my friends talked to me on Facebook at all today inquiring when this post was going to go up. Kitty and I in particular did not have this conversation, which never made me sincerely question the validity of what I used to consider our very close friendship:
Nugs: Today is Ryan Gosling's birthday If I get arrested will you bail me out? Kitty: Sure! Have fun! Nugs: Why do I think you're lying? You're totally going to call the cops Kitty: lol Nugs: Maybe he likes handcuffs I couldn't tell even though I've been hiding outside his house for a week I mean no Can you imagine if I knew where his house was????? *DIES* *extremely long pause* You're forwarding this conversation to the government, aren't you? Kitty: I kinda do It's near one of my friend's places in Beverly Hills (that is RIGHT NEAR ME OHMYGODKHDUYWTEYEUWGDYGFDCBCHDHHJ) Nugs: WHAT. HOW HAS THIS NEVER COME UP??????????? WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS.
I told my dad about this, by the way, and he just gave me a horrified look and went, "NO." Bobby asked me what I wrote on the card when I mailed him a chloroformed cake and nudie pic. Shut up! You guys don't know my life.
Also also- this:
I don't even... I'm done.
Anyway, enjoy this Evolution of Divinity from Buzzfeed of all the ways that the world has thanked Ryan Gosling's mom for bequeathing us with his photoshop-like presence. And Canada, we almost forgive you for Justin Bieber.
About a week ago I saw a commercial for the HP Envy Ultrabook. The product didn't impress me all that much (everyone knows that I'm a total whore for Apple), but the song used in the ad left a lasting impression. Unfortunately I couldn't get my Shazam up fast enough, so I was stuck looking for it online.
I had no idea how to accomplish this- I didn't know the name of the song, and I also had no clue who the fuck the artist was. So I texted Rio from Good Music, Bad Math and asked him to give me the name of a site that would point me in the right direction. He sent me to Yahoo! Answers and told me that not only would someone probably be able to assist me with my query, but it was also a goldmine of stupidity when it came to the postings on that site. The categories on Yahoo! Answers cover basically everything, ranging from Sports, Travel, Entertainment & Music, Food & Drink, Business & Finance, Politics & Government, and my personal favorites, Pregnancy & Parenting and Science & Mathematics. The level of idiot that I found while perusing through the questions on there was absolutely mind blowing. I think I must have forwarded Rio like eleven of them before he started totally ignoring me.
The greatest request I found on Yahoo! Answers, and possibly in the history of the American education system, was this one. I didn't even believe it myself after staring at it for a solid two-three minutes so I screen-capped it so you all could confirm that it is, in fact, real:
LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
I don't know who wrote this but I think they are actually 100% serious. I wonder if they know Amanda Bieber. Also if you Google this, it has its own category (type in "yahoo answers walk on sun").
Since this is apparently for a "seasns" test (I'm guessing "science," but it's been a while since I was in school so maybe this is a new subject that I don't know about), I'm actually going to help this person out and let them know why walking on the sun is an impossibility, unless you are Smash Mouth, and no one cares about them. 1) The sun is super far away, like at least 100 miles, so driving there is kind of a pain in the ass. Also it's really round, so good luck finding parking. B) It's a gigantic ball of gas, so it smells really bad. ARCTIC FOX) It's hot there all the time. I guess you could go at night though, or in the winter, like a few virtuosos suggested. DD) The only food that the sun likes to eat is Raisin Bran, so it's probably a cheap date and doesn't tip well.
What a dick.
If you still can't believe that anyone could actually be this dumb, the link to the original post is here. 'Merica.
BTW, I did find my song. It's "Promises," by London dubstep band Nero, and it is an awesome addition to my gym playlist.
No, not that kind, although I'm flattered that you all know me so well (also a little nervous, but we can deal with that later). I'm not talking about the ones that take place on a remote island with purple unicorns that bring you chocolate martinis, which are then done in the form of body shots in the company of Ryan Gosling and Alexander Skarsgard. Those are perfectly normal.
What's that you say? You're also extremely fertile?
The ones that I'm thinking about are the ones that you wake up from going, "what the hell was that?"and questioning whether they even happened in the first place. They're like the plot of Vanilla Sky, only thankfully with less vocal stylings from Cameron Diaz.
When I was younger, I used to be really into dream analysis. I believed that every image that passed through my sleep patterns was a metaphor for something that was plaguing me in my waking life. This also extended to colors, numbers, letters, and the like. I had a ton of books on the subject, most notably Sigmund Freud's The Interpretation of Dreams. Then I learned that Freud did enough coke to erupt Mt. Vesuvius, so I was more than likely deluding myself. But anyway.
I am still convinced of this to a point, and still appreciate the enjoyment I get when I sit down to interpret these visuals. Some are fairly easy to figure out, and do have some bearing on my actual reality.
For example, on Wednesday, I had a dream that Coyote Tits was part of the final three, and also the Fan Favorite, on Project Runway. She had designed a collection inspired by her hair, although instead of being "red and angsty," as she put it, her clothes were silver and sparkly. This made total sense to me because we both watch that show, and the season finale was the next day. I had also just spoken to her a few hours ago, as well as put a few touches onto Tits From Last Night, so the fact that she would appear in this way seemed logical.
PS- if you type "Tits From Last Night" into Google, my page is the first term that comes up! I am so proud.
Yeah, I don't have a lot going on.
However, some of the scenarios that formulate in my head are just really fucking bizarre. There's just no other way to describe them. I'll see how much I can recall from this one:
I was sitting at a table in what seemed to be some kind of dinner theater with a friend of my dad's, my brother, Karen Gillan from Doctor Who, and Mandy Moore. After the food came, Mandy and I got on stage, picked up acoustic guitars (neither one of us plays any instruments) and performed a song for the entire audience. The tune in question was an awful piece of crap from the early 90's by Mr. Big. If you have not heard this song, and I suspect that if you are in my age range you either a) have not or b) have blocked it out, it is not good.
If they gave out Razzies for music, this would be a serious contender. BTW, why don't they do that? I say we start a movement. I'll go first.
At any rate, that's all I can nail down, but when I woke up, already fearing for my sanity, I noticed a message on my phone- Mandy had had to check into the hospital for a minor emergency surgery (she's fine now). I call this a startling coincidence; however, Coyote Tits was not shocked in the least.
When I called Mandy's boyfriend later to see how she was doing, I almost mentioned my weird dream but he already swears that we're lesbians so I decided against it. My mom thinks it's adorable that we now have a "love song," regardless of the fact that if you're brave enough to listen to the lyrics the girl it's about is kind of a desperate whore.
Maybe there is some meaning behind the speculations I concoct in my sleep. Either that, or I have uncanny psychic abilities (probably not) or I'm certifiably insane (most likely). What are some of the strangest dreams you guys have had? Do you think they have any significance? Also, Taylor Swift would totally win all the Music Razzies, right? She definitely has crazy face.
So it's October now, which usually gets me super excited because it's my favorite time of the year. Both my mom's birthday and Halloween are at the end of the month, and everyone that meets me for five seconds knows that I go totally jazz hands for Halloween.
The weather is perfect- that consummate temperature that's just in between cold and hot, with no humidity, so I can bust out my chunky boots and adorable accessories at night but still have free reign to slip on what might be considered "less than subtle" attire during the day (read: I think you know).
October is also the best sports month- football is just heating up, hockey begins and the MLB postseason gets underway. It's also the NBA pre-season, but being a casual Knicks fan I don't care enough about that to actually pay attention.
This year, however, October has pretty much brought on a massive raindown of Epic Fail. While my friends and family back in NYC have been playing up this country-wide heatwave to their full advantage, LA seems to have missed the memo that hi, it's Fall now. For the past month or so Southern California residents have been "enjoying" insane temperatures in the 90's and 100's. I tried to go outside for a run this weekend and as soon as I walked out of my apartment I immediately was like FUCK NO. It was like those scenes in the SyFy Channel movies where the editing is sped up and backwards.
Dear Los Angeles:
NO.
Sincerely, Everyone.
This has also been an incredibly depressing year in sports for me. The Mets are absolutely fucking terrible- I mean, terrible to the point that I didn't watch more than five full baseball games on TV. I think they're something like 7,000 games under .500. At least I learned my lesson from last season and didn't put money down on the Sox. R.A. Dickey may win the Cy Young this year, though, so that's a small consolation prize.
The Jets aren't much better, and now with the acquisition of Tim Tebow we get to boast two quarterbacks that can't throw the ball! Awesome! And even though this wasn't technically in October, we're currently the joke of the NFL and most sports programming thanks to this game:
Every time I relive this I die a little.
Note: NBC Sports actually laughed when recapping this.
Which brings me to hockey: I may have taken some comfort in the fact that the Rangers had a shot to go really far this year, but oh wait! Hockey's been canceled. The NHL and the NHL Player's Association failed to reach a monetary agreement and therefore shut down the 2012-2013 season, for now anyway. A lot of the NHL players are dealing with the lockout by playing in Europe, which resulted in new Ranger Rick Nash injuring his shoulder (of course).
I've discussed this with my brother and a few of my Canadian friends, and they all run the gamut from devastated to suicidal. I wonder what people do in Canada when there's no hockey. Chug Molson? Play Rush albums? Moose hunt?
As if this weren't enough, I think I remember telling you guys that a couple of months ago, the hard drive on my brand new MacBook crashed. Well, if I didn't, it did. So that happened, and I lost half of my music files, which I've been fighting with Apple to get back for a good two weeks now.
At least my grief has been somewhat assuaged by the fact that it's impossible to cancel Halloween, although I still haven't decided on my costume yet. Ginny and I were discussing this over on her blog yesterday, and so far she has helped me narrow it down to three distinct possibilities:
1) The Uhura costume from Star Trek.
Now while this may seem like a waste of money, you all know me, and what are the odds that I will actually wear this again, frequently, in public, for no other reason than I HAVE A STAR TREK DRESS?
B) A TARDIS dress. BTW, I recently came across a video of Matt Smith citing his love for Breaking Bad and Radiohead. Dude. I'm in.
What is the plural of TARDIS, by the way? TARDI? TARDISes?
BABY MARMOSET) Either Mileena or Kitana from Mortal Kombat. I would do this because I loved the game as a kid, as did most of my friends; however, wearing either one of these would probably require starving myself until the 31st. I'll also be in New York, where it could possibly be pretty cold.
What do you guys think?
Also while you're at it, and if you have the time and aren't worried about the remainder of your sanity, cruise over to the sidebar and check out my newest feature, Tits From Last Night (or just click this handy link). It's not porn (unless you want it to be- oh haaaai), but rather a compilation of some of the most hilarious exchanges between myself and Coyote Tits. Basically what it comes down to is that I'm a demented, inconsiderate asshole and it's a wonder she puts up with me or even that I have any friends at all, but read this anyway. It's kind of funny sometimes.
Being from Brooklyn, I'm pretty skeptical by nature (I'm not entirely sure what one has to do with the other, but let's roll with it), so this whole "Mayan-end-of-the-world Theory" hasn't exactly left me a quivering mess. I'm usually pretty calm about this stuff, unless it involves wild turkeys, or sock monkeys.
What a dick.
Lately though, there have been some impending signals that I just can't seem to ignore. For example, being based out of Southern California as of recently, I can't help but notice the swarm of mini-quakes that have frequented the West Coast over the past few months. They've apparently even gone further into the country, spreading like my legs in the presence of a British accent (hey, if the world is going to end, I may as well go out enjoying myself).
Also, this year saw the demise of R.E.M. and to a lesser extent, Jet, as well as the tragic passing of Beastie Boys' MCA, Michael Clarke Duncan, Phyllis Diller, Tony Scott, Sally Ride, Neil Armstrong and Ray Bradbury. Not to mention, on the same day Neil Armstrong died, Snooki gave birth to what I'm pretty sure will grow up to be the Smoke Monster from Lost.
Is this some weird Rosemary's Baby-type shit?
Because if so I am OUT.
Another tell-tale sign of the Apocalypse- these people are still alive:
Also this asshole. And he owns a Batmobile. A fucking Batmobile.
So not only am I processing all this crazy shit and trying to figure out who gets my Ryan Gosling Blu-Rays in the aftermath (Ginntastic), but then I wake up this morning to this insane fuckery from Uproxx:
OK, so I thought of three things when I first saw this:
1) How does this snake take a shit?
B) How long until this is a SyFy Channel movie, and how awesome will it be?
COBRA COMMANDER) HOLYFUCKINGHELL A TWO-HEADED SNAKE MGHSVDFDJDISDCHDGVSDCDKCHJDB OH MY GOD EVERYBODY DIE. What if there's like, a High Council of two-headed snakes, like a Legion of Doom, that has meetings and stuff, trying to take over the Earth?
What the fuck, Mother Nature? Who told you this was OK? Why would you do this? Why? WHY?
I hate you. I hate you so, so much. You are one sick bitch.
Although +5 to the parents that named their kid Preston Logan. I may be dating myself (and we all know that's the only dating I'm actually taking part in), but any Bill and Tedreference is a win in my book.
I've spent a lot of the last 29 years of my life waiting. I waited for my boobs to grow (and now I wish I still hadn't crossed that bridge), I waited for college acceptance letters, I waited to turn 21 so I could- well, we all know how this story ends.
Not actual events.
Now that I've reached all the milestones that I can actually pass without wanting to sob profusely into a bottle of Captain, pretty much the only thing I'm anticipating retardedly is the new season of Game of Thrones. Just watching the opening of this show gives me major jazz hands.
For those of you that haven't been introduced to this cultural phenomenon, Game of Thrones has unseated Lost as the greatest television event ever since Darlton copped out with that bullshit ending. For those of you that don't have HBO (which I ordered solely to watch this show), I suggest Netflix or thepiratebay.org no! no! That's illegal and a horrible internet crime. I also recommend reading the books, which the series itself is based on. They're long, but if you have the patience, well worth the time and effort. If you don't like spoilers, though, only read the first two, since Season Three is coming in 2013. Almost a whole year!!! Seriously, HBO? NO.
I thought that my obsession with this show meant a surefire trip to the mental ward, but as it turns out, half of everyone I know is hooked on Game on Thrones, too. My friends and I watch it together on Facebook and both my brothers, who also love it, can discuss it on the phone with me for hours. As soon as I move back to the City (more on that in a future post), I'm anticipating Sunday night HBO viewing parties where I may or may not dress up as that crazy bitch Cersei Lannister, who I admit is a psycho but at least she gets to see Jaime naked OH HAAAAI.
That... is an awful big sword.
The persuasive powers of GoT are so hypnotic that they may have even convinced Coyote Tits, who has finally caved and has promised to check out Season One. I did have to agree, in return, to read the Harry Potter series, but it's a small price to pay to earn more GoT disciples.
Anyway, the guys at Topless Robot, an awesome site that clearly shares in my fanatic nerd-dom, apparently also can't wait for the third season of GoT. I check Topless Robot a few times a week, and when I went there today, this video came up:
There really isn't much else I can say besides this is the most incredible thing on the internet, ever. Words can't even describe how funny this is. It might be better than porn.
Today is a tragic day in the history of children everywhere, chronologically and otherwise:
Baby Beluga has died.
For the three of you (or, perhaps, the foreigners) who are not aware of the existence of Baby Beluga, allow me to induct you into the heartwarming world of timeless stories and songs.
I, like many of my friends, was introduced to Baby Beluga by Raffi, the singer-songwriter who touched all our hearts with joy when he sang and strummed his guitar along to "Mr. Sun," "Down By The Bay," "Willoughby Wallaby Woo" and "Bananaphone." I must have made my parents take me to see Raffi in concert at least 37 times. I also used to act out his songs in their bedroom, except when he sang about the Spider on the Floor. That was kind of fucked up, Raffi. I hate spiders.
Anyway, this morning, when I went to Entertainment Weekly's website, I was unsuspectedly greeted by this horrendous shocker, which I immediately posted on Facebook and then forwarded to everyone I knew.
I feel like half of my life has been a lie, and I've been forced to re-evaluate everything I've learned in my formative years. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loved "Wheels on the Bus."
Will I find out tomorrow that that bus got towed? I was also really into "Frere Jacques" even though I had no idea what the fuck I was saying until a few years later when I found out you had to be French to know what the lyrics meant. But since I was like five and didn't know about this whole "discrimination" concept, I really didn't care. Raffi was amazing, and his songs were captivating. Get a load of his awe-inspiring three-disc miracle here.
I remember when I was in pre-school, Baby Beluga was the greatest form of musical composition ever created. I still remember all the lyrics, and also that it was directly responsible for a time period of about two to three years where I was obsessed with whales. I also recall REALLY wanting to be "older" so I could have a banana phone. I still want, one, actually. That would be badass.
This was a pretty depressing day for my childhood, so I'll probably sit around and watch cartoons for the rest of the night. I suggest you all make yourselves a nice PB&J with the crusts cut off, and I will sign off with this:
Occasionally, because I hate myself, I look at videos like this one that I found on Topless Robot:
Seriously, who comes up with this shit? This is the most truly terrifying glimpse into the future I've ever experienced in my life. All of you who made fun of me for being afraid of Teddy Ruxpin now know what the fuck I was talking about.
This is worse than if Justin Bieber got elected President.
My attention span blows today, so while I was supposed to be creating documents for work, I decided to screw around on the Internetz. There's this one website I always go to, Pajiba.com, because it's an excellent source of pop culture headlines, shirtless Ryan Gosling pics and general snarkiness.
Actually, I should probably watch my surfing in case I get fired. Oh haaaai Employee of the Month.
Anyway, I'm constantly on Pajiba because they post a whole bunch of shit that's either current (movie/TV news), thought-provoking (promising actors that have since lost their relevancy) or include more sarcasm and witty commentary than an early episode of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.
But sometimes, there's paranoia-inducing, mind-blowing shit like the crap you see here.
The worst offender is Dustin, who's always writing about shit I definitely should not be subjecting my inner child to on a daily basis. I should have learned my lesson back in November when I clicked on a link for a commercial that he had dubbed awkward enough to cause arousal, yet also fear. I was so consumed with similar conflicting emotions that I decided to write a post on this anomaly and share it with the world. Um, you're welcome?
Last night, he posted this, which I made the mistake of clicking on right before bed:
Do not be misled by the angelic title. This will fuck you up.
You'd think that would be enough to convince me to stay away, but I am an idiot. Dustin's newest article was seemingly a progress report on the post-Harry Potter career of actor Daniel Radcliffe, so I figured there was nothing that could possibly cause me to lose any sleep or to send me to any kind of soundproof, padded room. Well, guess again. Instead it contained a trailer for his new movie:
A few weeks ago I made a promise to a few of my friends that I would finally check out the Harry Potter franchise, seeing as how I had never read any of the books or seen any of the films.
Yeah, no. That's not happening.
Dolls are terrifying. Look at their faces. They're waiting for me to die so they can steal my soul and that's how people go to Hell. Unless of course the clapping monkeys kill you first. That's how they roll, yo. None of this "inanimate object" BS. Don't be fooled.
I can't be the only one who is probably going to be really fucked up by this trailer. Who writes shit like this? Who walks around thinking this is OK? What the- no. Just no.
Today marks an incredibly important day in the history of ever:
It's SHARK WEEK 2011!
I am super excited- one might perhaps even say I am... shark-cited?
For those of you who don't know about my unnatural obsession curious fascination with sharks (i.e. missed the post I wrote last year commanding you all to watch the Discovery Channel), let me defend myself by reminding you that Dude! It's SHARKS. They probably know they're awesome and jump around all, "yeah, I'm a shark. What's up motherfucker? Time to get eaten."
AHAHAHAHA!
Also in 2006 there was an episode that aired called 10 Deadliest Sharks where the mako shark was "teased and baited with chum."
That sounds sexy.
My birthday is in 6 months. Just putting that out there.
Anyway, I prepare for Shark Week! every year. I announce its arrival to everyone who I'm 95% sure won't have me committed, sometimes even weeks in advance, whether it be through phone calls, emails, or bouncing around excitedly like a retarded chihuahua on speed. I mark the impending date on all three of my calendars. I hit up the local supermarket for shark-related snacks. I even have a drinking game prepared, courtesy of tv.com, which is extra-frightening considering I'll be watching most of the shows by myself (thanks a lot, assholes). I also invented a new activity, where the word "shark" is incorporated into everyone's every day lexicon, a la the Smurfs, only less eye-gougingly irritating. For example:
"What the shark?"
"Shark, yeah!"
"That's shark-tastic!"
"Please pass the shark."
This year Shark Week! is hosted by SNL's Andy Samberg (of "Dick In A Box" and "I Just Had Sex" fame). He's usually pretty funny so I definitely approve of this pairing. The new line-up for 2011 promises to be just as shark-sational as last year, and I've provided a schedule for you guys so you know when exactly to call out sick to work.
Some of the highlights include:
ROGUE SHARKS- premiering Monday, August 1st, 9pm
Basically this is Jaws, but on TV and with multiple attacks by multiple sharks. I can't wait to see a bunch of douchebags in swimming trunks get eaten. This is gonna be sweet.
KILLER SHARKS- premiering Tuesday, August 2nd, 9pm
Keeping with the theme of "sharks rule," this documentary focuses on unsuspecting travelers in the 50's that are all, "lala, we'll go on vacation and ignore the fact that there are SHARKS IN THE WATER." Dumbasses.
SHARK CITY- premiering Thursday, August 4th, 9pm
With what is decidedly the coolest name for a show ever, this portion of Shark Week! focuses on a handful of our subjects as individuals as they hunt, eat and size each other up. Look for the special interview where the head shark is like, "yeah, I've been a shark for about four years now. My hobbies include swimming around, chilling with my wife and baby sharks and chewing on peoples' legs. My favorite band is Radiohead."
Personally, I would also like to see a guest appearance by Sharktopus, but one can only dream.
Old episodes of Shark Week! are going on right now so the fact that your TV isn't on is inherently disturbing. I myself am parked in front of the Discovery Channel with my Shark Bites, pausing only to alert you all by writing this post.
Breakfast of Champions
If you do decide to partake in the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, let me know how it goes, and what your favorite experience (or six) was.
A few years ago I met this guy. For the sake of this post (and hilarity), we'll call him "Hands."
Hands and I had one of those friendships where everyone assumed that we were dating. We always showed up at parties together, and he gave me rides home. We followed each other around. There was obvious flirting, verbally and physically. If we were at a table together I would practically sit in his lap. We were both definitely in the stage of serious like.
Of course, this is me, so nothing ever happened. No clothes ever came off, except coats. The only deep penetration I ever experienced with this guy was purely mental. For reasons I won't get into here, because the list is both long and irrelevant to the story, we decided not to be together.
He did kiss me once, when I told him that I might be moving to LA for work (we all know how that turned out). It was only a kiss, and it never led to anything else, but it was really good. Like, really good. I didn't fall over or anything, but my theory that we would have amazing chemistry was pretty much confirmed. That made it even worse when I found that I did have to leave, and we had to say goodbye to each other permanently, adding "living 3000 miles across the country" to our reasons of why a relationship would never work. It sucked hard.
Anyway, a few weeks after I left for LA, I was sitting in my apartment alone, thinking about how my job was horseshit, all my friends were back East and how I had wasted my opportunity with Hands. We hadn't communicated since (an unspoken decision on both of our parts), and I had spent a lot of time thinking about him, due to the fact that my employers gave me no work and I sat around doing nothing all day. I signed onto Facebook to see how life was continuing without me and noticed that he was awake (before noon? On a Tuesday? That was bizarre) and had posted a Facebook status.
I forget what it said, but the first thing I realized was that in lieu of "there," he had put "their." I was mesmerized, yet horrified. Dude. You are TWENTY-NINE. Employed (kind of). Educated. What the fuck is this?
I immediately called Hurricane, a really close friend who also knew Hands and had spent the past few weeks letting me ramble about what an idiot I was for not at least trying anything out.
"Hey. How you holding up?" "Have you been on Facebook today?" "Not yet. What's up?" "He used the wrong 'there.'" "Oh. Shit." "Yup." "So. I guess you're cured." "Oh yeah." "Going out tonight?" "Yup."
I know this makes me weird, but terrible grammar both baffles and horrifies me. A guy could be Ryan Gosling's twin and if he misappropriates the English language I will just walk away.
OK, maybe not.
A while ago I met a guy who was so dumb that I slept with him just to get him to shut the fuck up; now I would have probably just excused myself from the conversation. In my defense though, he was a work of art.
There was also, in case we all forgot, my saga with Brainy Smurf, which almost forced me to take a torch to humanity in general.
Correct usage of commas gets me hot. If a guy mistreats his run-ons, what's he going to do to his clauses? Apostrophes are big with me, too. Days of the week do not need them at the end! They are for possession, people!
On a related note, I recently met someone who kicked my ass across the room at Words With Friends, and because of this, I now want to roofie him so hard that he wakes up in a different state with his pants around his neck. (PS, Nip Clique- he actually made a roofie joke. Start our genetic mash-up ASAP.) Proper handling of semi-colons guarantees at least one future alimony check, so it'll be interesting to see where this goes, if I ever see him again.
Probably not, since now he knows I'm certifiably insane.
I just realized I haven't put up a post in over two weeks. Instead of beating myself up for being inadequate, I actually feel pretty accomplished because I've been getting a ton of shit done.
April 2011 was like the month of Ninja Skills for me. I picked up a bunch of freelance projects and I've been working 14-hour days while I impress everybody with my over-achievement and glorious ability to multi-task. Not only that, but I may have- MAY HAVE- joined the ranks of the employed. I only say "may have" because even though the job would enable me to live in New York (excitement plus!!!), my boss is based in LA, and so far everything I've been promised out there has turned out to be a complete fucking lie. So we'll see. This job starts Monday, and I'll keep you guys updated on that (you know it).
I've also joined forces with some of my best and most favorite bloggy friends and am now co-authoring two more monumental pieces of literature:
Risha and I started the anti-fashion movement Whut Is Fashun?, where anyone can go to bitch about why all of a sudden there's a fucking law against wearing sweats to the grocery store. I've never done a so-called "fashion" blog before, but "anti-anything" is OK with me. I mean, please. My entire uniform is three pairs of jeans on rotation and t-shirts with band logos or 80's cartoons.
If that's not enough dry aspersion for you, I also started a group blog with a bunch of my accomplices from The Nip Clique. It's called Childhood Trauma, and we use it as an outlet to destroy a bunch of books that we loved as kids but now realize were totally fucked up and caused major personal issues in our development as functioning adults. I'll be covering the Babysitters Club series along with Nicole, Lorraine is handling Sweet Valley High, Nips is taking over the Goosebumps books and Lily is reviewing The Boxcar Children. Of course, we'll be stealing each others' book series sometimes, too, because that's just how we roll. We started this blog like three days ago and it already has a third of the followers that I do. I'm so proud. <3
The first posts are already up, and you can check them out here.
Speaking of my blogoverse compatriots, I recently got the chance to hang with a bunch of them when they visited New York. You WILL be hearing about that soon, I promise, as soon as I get off my ass and get motivated.
I'm also super excited for this month's Movie Reviews. We've finally chosen a name for the ring, and not only that, but this month's swap list is pretty much the greatest Round Table of Win ever created. We have a whole new list of recruits this month, as well some of the usual epic participants, and seriously, just wait until you guys see this shit- it will blow your fucking mind.
I've also finally gotten around to what I promised you all last month, which is an Aural Sex column written entirely by guest posters. To those of you that volunteered to chip in and haven't yet done so, get me your shit, already. I won't point fingers, because my mom taught me that pointing is rude, and my fingers are too tiny (but double-jointed, FYI).
For those of you that are interested, I'm looking for your three favorite bands and/or your most anticipated albums of the summer. The post will go up on Tuesday, May 10th; drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by the 5th or feel my ninja wrath.
So that's what's been going down in Nugslandria. I didn't forget about you guys; I've just been seriously occupied with my own crap for once. I swear I'll post more, since now I've actually been hit with some deadlines I actually care about.
Every year, right before the baseball season begins, my family and I email each other predictions about which team is going to place first in every division, take home the pennant, and win the World Series. At first it was just my dad and I, and I kicked his ass every year. Honestly, I was embarrassed for him. Then last year my brother joined in and destroyed everyone. What an asshole.
This year’s season starts a week from today, so I decided to post my forecast for all of you guys to either argue with or totally ignore because you don’t give a shit about sports.
To make this more interesting, I commissioned my friend Johnny Sacks, the creator and evil genius behind Living With Balls, to send me his predictions and get a competition going on. When my family and I do this, we play for dignity, pride and bragging rights; however, Sacks came up with the idea to administer a points system so somebody comes out looking like an actual loser.
Here’s how it works:
1 point for each division/wild card winner 1 point for each Rookie of the Year 1 point for each most/least improved 2 points for each League Division series 3 points for each League Championship series 5 points for the World Series winner
We also came up with a humiliating compensation prize for whoever doesn’t win (NOT ME): Sacks is a huge Yankees fan, and I go hard for the Mets. That’s why whoever eats shit with this has to put the winner’s favorite team on the side of their blog for a month in a prominent display of asswipe.
Here are both of our posts. I didn't even look at his before I typed this in order to keep a level playing field, and now that I've seen them, mine are clearly not more informed, better thought-out, and all-around smarter.
2011 PREDICTIONS: THE THAT AIN'T KOSHER/LIVING WITH BALLS EDITION
AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST
JOHNNY SACKS: Boston Red Sox
I hate to admit this as a Yankees fan, but the Red Sox are STACKED. They added Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez to an already potent line-up and their pitching staff is one of the best in baseball. Jon Lester and Clay Bucholz are entering the prime of their careers and should get even better. Meanwhile, the Yankees, who are usually very busy during the off-season, did nothing but sign fat pitchers past their prime.
NUGS: Boston Red Sox
The Sox were my World Series pick for last year, but due to a slew of injuries and a slumping Josh Beckett, they wound up with a disappointing finish while the Yankees came out on top (again). Now, with the off-season acquisitions of former Ray Carl Crawford and Padres powerhouse Adrian Gonzalez, as well as a full, healthy line-up and a seriously nasty rotation, the Sox are taking their team all the way to the finish.
AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL
JOHNNY SACKS: Minnesota Twins
The Twins have been well-operated and well-managed for decades now and they’ve managed to be successful despite a small payroll. But now, with a new stadium, the money is rolling in and the Twins have money to spend. They are now loaded with talent and are well-managed. This is always a good combination. Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan should be back at 100 percent following season-ending injuries last season. They managed to do well without those guys last season, so their return will only make them better.
NUGS: Detroit Tigers
Every year I go with the White Sox and they totally fuck me over. This division is usually a pretty close race for the top three with Detroit, Minnesota and Chicago, but I had to pick the Tigers this year because of the key moves they made during the off-season.
Detroit finished with a 500 record last year, both winning and losing 81 games. However, with Jim Leyland entering into the final year of his contract, he’s pulled in some stellar new signings with Joaquin Benoit and Victor Martinez, and held onto Jhonny Peralta, Magglio Ordonez and Brandon Inge. Leyland has consistently performed as one of the best managers in the MLB, and the Tigers are insane if they don’t extend his contract.
AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST
JOHNNY SACKS: Texas Rangers
Even though the Rangers lost out on the Cliff Lee bidding war, I still think they will be the best team in the West. None of the other teams in the division did anything significant to make me believe they will outplay Texas. The Rangers' offense should be very potent once again and their staff, led by C.J. Wilson, should be good enough for them to win their second straight AL West Crown.
NUGS: Texas Rangers
I’m predicting great things for Texas. Coming directly off of last year’s World Series, the Rangers still have the best starting lineup in the AL West, and their pitching is still a force, even without Cliff Lee, who went to Philly (ugh- more on those douchebags later). None of the teams in their division made any significant changes to their staff, and the fight that the Rangers put up for Lee, even though they eventually lost, shows that they’re willing to go the distance to take home the AL Pennant for the second straight year.
WILD CARD
JOHNNY SACKS: New York Yankees
Though the Yankees didn’t do much in the off-season, they are still have a ton of weapons. There are a lot of question marks with their pitching staff—most notably A.J. Burnett—but their powerful offense and the left arm of C.C. Sabathia should be enough to get them to 90 wins. Look for prospects Ivan Nova and Jesus Montero to step up for the Yanks as well.
NUGS: New York Yankees
Come on. They’re the Yankees. As much as I hate them, (and I really, really do) don’t let the fact that they pretty much sat on their ass during the off-season fool you. Their pitching is shaky, but they still have Mariano Rivera, whose skills as a closer can’t even compare to anyone that ever stepped onto the mound. 2010 was the worst year of shortstop Derek Jeter’s career, but a bad year for Jeter is still a decent year for 90% of ball players. Apparently a lot’s been done into reshaping A.J. Burnett, who last year left a ton of Yankees fans (namely my brother) practically suicidal.
Besides, they’re the Yankees. If they don’t make the playoffs, they’ll just pay someone to slip them in there.
NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST
JOHNNY SACKS: Philadelphia Phillies
The Phillies probably have the best starting rotation since the Atlanta Braves turned out Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine and Steve Avery in the early 90s. Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee should dominate as usual and Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt aren’t exactly slouches either. The Phillies have lost a lot on offense with Jayson Werth leaving for Washington and Chase Utley likely missing the beginning of the season but it shouldn’t matter. The Phillies pitching will lead them to 100 wins.
NUGS: Stupid Phillies
Words cannot express the depths of my loathing for the Phillies, now made even stronger thanks to the addition of SP Cliff Lee. Seriously, is their rotation even legal? With a pitching staff that includes Lee, Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels and Joe Blanton, at one point the first four guys on the mound shared a collective ERA of 2.8.
My only comfort is that their lineup is good on paper; however their top players are not only aging, but battling injuries from last season. 2B Chase Utley is still nursing his bad hip; not to mention he’s 32 years old. I hope he gets a fastball to the head.
Whatever. Their offense doesn’t matter. Their pitching will dominate and lead them to the World Series, and I will be a total bitch during the entire month of October.
NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL
JOHNNY SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers have shown potential the past few seasons but have been unable to make a deep playoff run. This could be the year that changes. The addition of Zack Greinke should make a rotation that already has Yovani Gallardo very formidable. Meanwhile, their lineup is dangerous with Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun and Casey McGehee likely doing lots of damage once again. The Cardinals lost their ace pitcher and should drop in the standings this season—and though I love the Reds’ offense I don’t like their pitching staff. The drop-off by those two teams should allow for the Brewers to take the division crown.
NUGS: Cincinnati Reds
The Reds have a good, young team whose potential will only continue to grow. They have a sick offense and one of the best third basemen in baseball with Scott Rolen, an eight-time Gold Glove winner who would have been my pick for MVP last year had he had not suffered a back injury in the second half of the season. With the Cardinals no longer the threat they used to be, the Reds can look to contend for a while.
NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST
JOHNNY SACKS: San Francisco Giants
The defending champs should once again take the NL West title. The young rotation, highlighted by Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, Jonathan Sanchez and Madison Bumgarner is one of the best in baseball and, as you saw last season, their offense is just good enough to get by.
WEST: San Francisco Giants
The defending World Series champs can look to take the NL West title for the second year in a row. Their rotation is almost as formidable as the Phillies’, with Tim Lincecum and Madison Bumgarner’s ridiculous ERA’s. San Fran’s rotation also has youth on their side- only Barry Zito is in his thirties.
Their lineup is also pretty decent- they can boast catcher Buster Posey, SS Miguel Tejada and OF Pat Burrell. Combined with the Giants’ pitching staff, this formula is more than enough for a solid 90 wins.
WILD CARD
JOHNNY SACKS: Colorado Rockies
The Rockies locked up sluggers Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez in the off-season and that should go a long way in helping them make a playoff run. These two guys are scary good and should have monster seasons once again. Ubaldo Jimenez will lead the Rockies staff once again and should be a Cy Young candidate.
WILD CARD: Milwaukee Brewers
My dad likes the Brewers every year, and this time I agree with him. Much like the Reds, Milwaukee has a solid young team that will continue to impress and expand. With the acquisition of Zack Greinke as their ace, their pitching staff should finally get Milwaukee that playoff spot they deserve.
This is one instance where hitting trumps pitching- their offense is one of the monsters of the Major League. With a lineup that includes Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun and Corey Hart, the Brewers have made sure that the race for the NL Central will be close for a long time.
BTW, does anyone else wonder if Corey Hart wears his sunglasses at night?
AL DIVISION SERIES
JOHNNY SACKS:
YANKEES over TWINS 3-2
The Yankees will once again get the best of the Twins in the Division series. Sabathia wins game 1 and 5 to send them back to the ALCS.
RED SOX over RANGERS 3-0
The Sox will steamroll the Rangers and meet up with their hated rivals in the ALCS.
NUGS:
YANKEES over TIGERS 4-1
Unfortunately, the Tigers will be no match for the Yankees. The Tigers may get in one win, but the Yanks will take it back and advance.
RED SOX over RANGERS 3-0
I gotta go with Sacks on this one- the Sox will destroy the Rangers and go head-to-head with the Yankees in another epic rivalry.
AL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES
JONNY SACKS: RED SOX over YANKEES 4-2
This will be an exciting series, but in the end, the Red Sox are just a little bit better.
NUGS: RED SOX over YANKEES 4-2
Again, I have to agree. And I will root deliciously for the Sox. Not because I’m SUCH a fan, but because any team that wants the Yankees to lose that badly is OK by me.
NL DIVISION SERIES
JOHNNY SACKS:
PHILLIES over ROCKIES 4-1
The Phillies Staff will shut down the Rockies offense.
BREWERS over GIANTS 3-2
The Brewers will upset the defending champs in five games.
NUGS:
STUPID PHILLIES over BREWERS 4-1
Unfortunately for the Brewers, they’ll keep coming THISCLOSE but they still just won’t quite make it. Relax, though, Milwaukee- I have a feeling they’re only a couple of seasons away.
GIANTS over REDS 4-1
The Reds won't even come close.
NL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES
JOHHNY SACKS: PHILLIES over BREWERS 4-1
The Brewers will run out of steam in the NLCS and the Phillies will beat them rather easily.
NUGS: STUPID PHILLIES over GIANTS 3-2
The Stupid Phillies will once again meet up with the Giants in a pitching rivalry that resembles a series I could have posted on What If Sports. Unfortunately, the Stupid Phillies are out for blood, and they’ll best San Fran, 3 wins to 2.
WORLD SERIES
JOHNNY SACKS: RED SOX over PHILLIES 4-3
Ugh…I can’t believe I just wrote that the Red Sox are going to win the World Series. Hopefully I’m dead wrong. The Phillies staff will meet its match when it goes up against Boston. Lester, Bucholz and Lackey should match the Phillies playoff rotation. Meanwhile, the Sox offense and bullpen is superior to Philly’s, which should give them the edge in the series.
NUGS: STUPID PHILLIES over RED SOX 4-3
Much like Sacks, it’s time for me to admit that the sports team I loathe the most is more than likely going to take the most coveted spot. I detest the Stupid Phillies so much that I pray nightly for them all to be locked in a burning cave filled with lava and three-headed angry gorillas that will only play Rebecca Black videos.
Basically, what this year’s Series comes down to is Starting Rotation vs. Bullpen, and unfortunately, Boston’s Jonathan Papelbon is no match for the Stupid Phillies’ nausea-inducing one through four.
AL MVP
JOHNNY SACKS: Robinson Cano, 2B New York Yankees
Cano had the best season of his career last season and I think he’ll be even better this year. A five-tool player, Cano will hit .320 this season with 30+ homers and 100+ RBI’s, while also playing a stellar second base.
NUGS: Dustin Pedroia, 2B Boston Red Sox
This one was tough. It will definitely be someone from the Red Sox, an organization that will turn themselves around and make it to the World Series. If I absolutely had to narrow it down to one, my pick would be 2B Dustin Pedroia, who ended 2010 with an injury and is expected to not only bounce back this year, but return to form and help lead the team to the AL Championship.
AL ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
JOHNNY SACKS: Jesus Montero: C New York Yankees
The Yankees prized prospect is expected to start the season as the back-up catcher in 2011. When Russell Martin is inevitably is hitting .230 with two HR’s in June, Montero will take over the starting job. Montero will come in and help the Yankees make a playoff run just like another catching prospect, Buster Posey, did for the Giants last season.
NUGS: Jesus Montero, C New York Yankees
I can’t believe I’m giving another award to the Yankees, but this guy is only 21 and has all the calibers to be a stellar investment. Considering the Yankees didn’t do jack shit during the off-season, the fact that they went out and spent money on Montero probably means something.
NL MVP
JOHNNY SACKS: Troy Tulowitzki, SS Colorado Rockies
Tulowitzki had a ridiculous season a year ago, despite missing more than a month with a broken wrist. The guy missed 40 games last season and still nearly hit 30 homers and drove in 100 runs. Considering he plays a premium position, if he puts up numbers like that over the course of a full season then he’ll be a shoo-in for MVP.
NUGS: Prince Fielder, 1B Milwaukee Brewers
When the Brewers get to the NL Division Series, it will be largely in part to Fielder. As long as he can keep his attitude in check, he should be a lock for NL MVP.
NL ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
JOHNNY SACKS: Aroldis Chapman, RP Cincinnati Reds
The fire-baller from Cuba joined the Reds major league roster late in the season and did not disappoint. His fastball reached 100 mph regularly and at times he looked dominant. Whether he starts or relieves in 2011 he should show be tough to hit.
NUGS: Aroldis Chapman, RP Cincinnati Reds
I wish I could be different and go with somebody else, but this kid is already being referred to as the “Cuban Missile.” He’s 22 and is already arguably the hardest-throwing pitcher in the history of Major League Baseball, and he’s been drafted by a team that is expected to get to the NL Championship Series. He’s what Charlie Sheen calls winning.
MOST IMPROVED
JOHNNY SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers went 77-85 a season ago. I see them adding anywhere from 10-15 wins to that mark this season. Prince Fielder is playing for a new contract and Zack Greinke should help their pitching staff.
NUGS: Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers are definitely going to be baseball’s most improved house. Not only will they make the playoffs, but they’ll continue to rise and will dominate enough to possibly get to the 2012 World Series.
LEAST IMPROVED
JOHNNY SACKS: St. Louis Cardinals
The loss of Adam Wainwright is a killer for the Cardinals. They won 86 games a year ago and without Wainwright, there is no way they crack the .500 mark. I say 78 wins at the most for St. Louis.
NUGS: San Diego Padres
There is no way in Hell the Padres are going to win 90 games this season, especially not when they share a division with the Giants.
NUGS' SPECIAL CRYSTAL BALL FOR THE METS:
Not only will they continue to suck and make me cry, but the entire team will be fired and replaced by puppies and kitties in uniform. When that fails, a baby will be named as their ace, and I will be put in the outfield as well as a bunch of seventh graders. With that genius move, we will finally win more than 11 games and I will be named as manager, general manager and owner.
The winner will be announced a couple of days after the World Series, when I've had time to tally the points and collect my shame up off the floor perform my victory dance. I hope Sacks likes orange.
