Oh, Canada! The Birthday Suit Edition (Volume 2)

Every year on April 12, I team up with Allison from My Quarter-Life Crisis to do something fun and imaginative for her birthday. In 2010, we teamed up for Bloggerstock. In 2011, she commissioned myself and several other unwilling victims participants to send her a Birthday Playlist of songs that are all about her. Narcissist. <3<3<3

Last year... well, last year, we got lazy and I think I just sent her a card or something. Oops. FAIL.

This time, I really wanted to make up for my lack of creative juices (haha. "Juices."), so I decided to go all out. Allison is Canadian (and also from the hometown of my future child support, Ryan Gosling), and she claims that they have very limited access to all things Dunkin' Donuts. This is unacceptable to me, because Dunkin' Donuts brews the world's greatest coffee, so I sent her a packet of that. She was also curious as to how Kit-Kats in this country are consumed (is this Canada or Neptune?), so I threw in a bag of those as well.

Allison and I also decided to make each other mix CD's. This could be because we wanted to keep with our "music" theme, or also because we're terrified of getting older and are desperately trying to hang onto our last shred of immaturity. At any rate, I went a little overboard and chose so many songs that they spilled over onto two discs, because that's how I roll.

I tailored my CD's specifically toward Allison- I included songs that had good beats for running, some picks from the aforementioned birthday post and, of course, the requisite Canadian tuneage. I also made sure to have some songs that were geared towards the two of us and our remarkable, heart-tugging friendship (i.e. The Good Life, One More Time, Raise Your Glass, anything Foo Fighters). Also of course there's some Radiohead on there, because it wouldn't be a Nugs-made product if there weren't.

Here are Allison's Birthday Mixes, for your perusal:

OH, CANADA! PART 1:
All I Really Want- Alanis Morissette
Gold Lion- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Rock & Roll Queen- The Subways
Parallel Universe- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Los Angeles is Burning- Bad Religion
Gold on the Ceiling- The Black Keys
Clumsy- Our Lady Peace
Karma Police- Radiohead
The World Is New- Save Ferris
Alison- Elvis Costello
Raise Your Glass- P!nk
Borderline- Madonna
We Are All Made Of Stars- Moby
The Good Life- Cracker
One More Time- Daft Punk
We Are Young- Fun.
Any Time At All- The Beatles
Shining Light- Ash

OH, CANADA! PART 2:
Move Along- The All-American Rejects
Steady As She Goes- The Raconteurs
Teardrop- Massive Attack
Young Blood- The Naked and Famous
Promises- Nero
Marigold (Live)- Foo Fighters
All I Ever Wanted- The Airborne Toxic Event
Everybody Got Their Something- Nikka Costa
Dog Days Are Over- Florence + The Machine
American Girl- Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
Fight For Your Right- Beastie Boys
Queen- Another One Bites the Dust- Queen
You, Me and the Bourgeoisie- The Submarines
Do Everything Now- Saint Motel
Heartbeats- The Knife
If I Had a Gun- Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds
Since U Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson
Dancing On My Own- Robyn

I did try to be all "forward" and shit and find a bunch of artists that Allison might not know and therefore would discover and think of me whenever she visualized her cooler friends, and I assumed that I did a really good job with this until I received her mix:


AL'S MIX:
Keep The Car Running (Live)- Foo Fighters
Stompa- Serena Ryder
John Lennon- Arkells
Wicked and Weird- Buck 65
Almost Crimes- Broken Social Scene
My Body's a Zombie For You- Dead Man's Bones
Miracle Mile- Down With Webster
Shadow of a Ghost- Emma-Lee
The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead- Final Fantasy
Canada Geese- Gord Downie
The Hazards of Sitting Beneath Palm Trees- Hayden
Seeds- Hey Rosetta!
Alison- Jeremy Fisher
Hayloft- Mother Mother
Top Yourself- The Raconteurs
Yellow Brick Road- Raine Maida
The Bootleg Saints- Sam Roberts
One Great City!- The Weakerthans
Wolves- Whaletooth
No Glamour in the Hammer- Whitehorse
Honeypie- Wil

Wow. FAIL! on my part, again.

There are some parallels (read: a few of the same bands; songs called Alison- see what we did there? We're so clever), but basically, what this tells me is that Allison is way cooler than I am with a much better taste in music. She also thought to put a song from Ryan Gosling's band on there, which I played over and over (and over) again before actually listening to it.

Since today is Allison's birthday, I have a whole new calendar year to think of something to prove that I'm not completely inept. Just know that it will most likely involve Baby Goose, and quite possibly bail money.

Zero Dark Thirty

I'll bet you've all spent the last month sitting at your laptops, anxiously hitting the reload button until I put up my next post, wondering where I've been. I didn't die; I didn't become a world traveler or get offered a new employment opportunity anywhere remotely in the six figures. No, I'm just really fucking lazy and lack motivation. Sorry, kids.

At any rate, the last month has had some recent developments which, as my duty (haha. "Duty.") as a blogger, I feel I should share with you all. Let's run it down in list form, because I'm pretty sure you're all too busy and/or impatient to sit through an hour's worth of my shit:

1) Let's get the biggest deal out of the way first: as much as I tried to avoid this like Taylor Swift avoids actual talent, I finally turned thirty. Despite a minor freakout, it actually doesn't feel that different from 29, mostly because I'm still giggling at words like "feel."

Despite being knocked down by a heavy case of the "Mutant Cold," I had a relatively nice, low-key birthday in New York City, with a guest appearance from one of my favorite Bloggi, Tabs, who flew in from Canada for the funeral procession. Since I was sick, I couldn't do everything I had anticipated, and I'll be having a do-over this summer. I expect way more of you to be there, so get on that right now.

Hitting thirty also won me the coveted "Last Chance Blogger" Bootleg award over at 20sb, which is interesting because didn't I also win this shit last year? How old do you people think I am? I was also up for "Most Opinionated," but seeing as how Tits and I were both nominated, we probably split the vote and that's why neither of us won.  Oh, well- thank you anyway! It's awesome to know that you guys love me so much that you thought I was ancient even when I wasn't.

(Also, shout-out to Ginny, who was voted "Best 20sb Contributor." I would make an "In My Pants" joke here but I honestly can't think of one right now.)

B) I'm still on the job hunt. At this point I'm basically trying for anything; however, I did apply for a social media job with the New York Rangers that I am absolutely 100% under-qualified for. I managed not to make a complete ass of myself and not send a cover letter that basically stated OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU PICK ME I LOVE THE RANGERS PICK ME PICK ME LKJKFJKHJGSDFJHFJKLKVNFJNCHSZVCJNFKLNDFJFHDVHVBGJFGBGHBF
PS- I want your goalie to impregnate me. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Yeah, so that didn't happen. Probably a genius idea on their part.

THUNDERCAT) The best part of being back in New York is definitely having the chance to reconnect with my friends and family. My brothers housed me for my first two weeks, and despite having the sound effects to NHL 13 permanently lodged in my brain, it was great to hang with them after being physically separated for seven months.

After that, it was time to hit up everyone I hung with in school. I'm still in touch with 90% of them, and within two days I was back with my old crowd. One of them in particular, who has made a brief appearance on this blog as Bri-Winning, was the first one to invite me out, and in doing so introduced me to the guy I'm currently dating.

You did read that right, FYI- the Mayan calendar was probably another year off because I managed to trick some poor dude into keeping me around after conversing with me for more than five minutes. Heretofore dubbed "Iron Man," we've been together a little over a month, and he seems relatively normal. I've already met or know most of his friends and they're all cool as shit, too. Iron Man has yet to see my robot collection or any of my Star Trek memorabilia, so I haven't fucked this up. Yet. There won't be much written about him here, but the relationship will be drawn out over on Snark & Sex, because he doesn't know that one exists.

I'm fucking amazing.

In case you're all wondering, my Iron Man doesn't look at all like RDJ's Iron Man, or I already would have roofied him into marriage.

Please. I'm taken, not dead.

So there it is- my last month, laid out for you (haha. "Laid"). I still need to get to my last Dead Space recap in time for the second half of the season, and I also need to get off my ass and come up with new ideas for my next few posts. So I am still alive, and functional (?), and I will be around more. I promise.

I love you.

PS- we're looking for guest bloggers over at S&S. If you want to share how your met your significant others or what your first date was like, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com. We need you from now until Valentine's Day.

Les Miserables- Dying Alone, Thanks

First of all, Merry Belated Christmas to all of you non-Jews!

Just so all you guys know, the rumors are true: My family spent the holiday eating Chinese food and going to the movies. We've been doing this every year, and lately, because the film industry has been so adept at churning out high-quality pictures, it's always been a struggle to choose what to see.

Not this year. I'd literally been counting down the seconds until December 25th ever since it became the assigned release date of Les Miserables. There are no words to describe the levels of anticipation that have been building in my brain for this movie (unless you use the word "psychotic," perhaps). When I was a kid, I saw the Broadway stage production literally 12 times, a few with the original cast. I own the OG soundtrack on iTunes and the 25th Anniversary Special on DVD. I still know all the lyrics to every single song, and in which order they appear in the show. Nothing brings out my inner (and outer) Jazz Hands! more than Les Miz, except maybe Tommy, although that's more a celebration of The Who than anything else.

Christmas Day arrived, and I texted my brother to tell him that my dad and I were going to see the movie (I hadn't yet checked with my dad, BTW; I just assumed that the world revolved around my plans) and inquired as to whether or not he would like to join us. He eloquently responded with "No. Gay."

My dad and I tried three separate showings before we found one that wasn't sold out. It's good to know that the film was so insanely popular because between that and The Walking Dead, I'm going to have enough metaphors for my sex life until 2014.

Dad and I bought our tickets and I almost danced into the theater. God, no wonder I'm single. No one ever hears my people sing, if you get what I'm sayin. And you guys always get what I'm sayin.

I'm here all week! Alone.

As a film in general, it wasn't perfect. I'm not totally biased, and I did have a few issues:

1) Amanda Seyfried. Her acting, like the rest of the cast, was excellent, but she can't really sing. It kind of took me out of the movie.

B) The track they added in to get that Best Original Song Oscar was stupid. It sounded very Disney and didn't fit in with the rest of the music at all.

DEER CHIHUAHUA) Eponine had very well-manicured nails for a poor 19th-century French girl. I guess hair and makeup missed that one.

That being said-

This was one of the best movies I've ever seen. Putting away my inner theatre geek and squealing fangirl, everything about it was phenomenal. Set design, costumes, hair and makeup, everything. I'd heard negative reviews about Russell Crowe, so I was apprehensive about him coming in. Did he have amazing vocal capabilities? No. However, the way he played the role of Javert and handled the musical style really let him nail the character. He should stick to playing dicks; it's what he does best.

I'd also heard some backlash regarding Eddie Redmayne, who plays Marius. Those people are obviously high, because he was fucking fantastic and deserves a career out of this. Hugh Jackman is incredible too, and while he probably won't win the Oscar (Daniel Day-Lewis made a movie this year, so universal law dictates that he must win all the awards), he should at least get a nomination. Every time he did something awesome, which was frequently, I wanted to yell out, "Fuck yeah! Wolverine!" He's a classically trained Broadway actor, and he really shows it here. 

I was very, very satisfied with the casting of Eponine. "On My Own" is arguably the most popular and well-known song in the show, having also become the most annoying because every girl on the planet has sung this at least once in the shower without even knowing where it originated. This role was the most followed on the Internet, with everyone from Lea Michele from Glee to Taylor Swift (ugh, NO) said to be auditioning for the part. Whoever they chose would have a HUGE surge in their career, so I was thrilled when they went with Samantha Barks, a trained stage actor and singer who played the role in the London production and the 25th Anniversary concert. She more than holds her own against A-list film actors.

And then, of course, there's Anne Hathaway. They should have had a guy walk up to her during the film, into the screen, holding an Oscar, and say, "here you go, Miss Hathaway." Everyone else they nominate in that category is pretty much just because they have to write other names in. If you didn't feel at least something when she busted out "I Dreamed a Dream," then you are clinically dead.

Also this dude is in the movie. 

As soon as I got home, I immediately got on Facebook chat with Melbs from A Quick Succession of Busy Nothings to squee about it. I sent her that link and we agreed: "Oh. HELLO." Gina from This is Not Your Blog let me know that she would not have been opposed to the costume department taking some very modern liberties. "What? It was a tough battle and their shirts blew off." Les Miserables: The Michael Bay version.

What makes the direction of Les Miserables especially memorable is that Tom Hooper, a former Oscar winner for The King's Speech, decided to have his actors sing their numbers live on camera. That seems incredibly arduous and challenging, even to the stage actors he cast as leads and cameos. I mean, shit, I don't even like posing for my friends' Instagram.

BTW, as soon as I saw Tom Hooper's name attached, I had a minor brain fart and thought, "Tobe Hooper? Like, Texas Chain Saw Tobe Hooper?" How great would it be if instead of dying from consumption or at the barricades, all the characters in Les Miz got hacked to pieces by Leatherface? I would totally watch that.

Gangnam Style

The entire time we were in the theater you could have heard a pin drop in the audience. No one talked, texted, nothing. You could hear people sniffing and sobbing. Dad got a little choked up. On my own end I counted about seven ugly cries, and I knew exactly what was coming.

Also, I kept poking Dad in the arm while I played Spot the Cameos and told him random facts about the show. ("It's the original Jean Valjean!" "She was Eponine in 1987!") There were a bunch of times where I caught myself singing along, out loud. I'm surprised there weren't more of them, considering my dad informed me later that I was lip-synching all the lyrics throughout the entire film. At the end of the movie a few people clapped but I was the only one who gave it a standing ovation like a loser. 

Party of One

As far as adaptations go, except for a few minor changes that have nothing to do with the outcome of the story, this is probably the most faithful rendition of any medium I've ever seen on film. I was praying that this wouldn't turn out like the Rent movie, which was horrible, but apparently I had nothing to worry about.

I will definitely see this at least two more times. I'm hoping I can find a Rocky Horror-style sing along, with props. I'm going to make my own musket and barricade so I can avoid interaction with all other humans.

FYI, here is a hilarious review of Les Miserables with even more musical stylings. If you didn't feel old before, I guarantee you will after this:

A Les Miserables Review In The Form Of A SmashMouth Song

Oh, Canada! The Birthday Suit Edition

Today in the US is Veteran's Day, a monumental day in American history because it celebrates our troops and all that they've contributed to our country over the past few centuries. I'm definitely not knocking this, considering the most significant achievement I've completed recently is a grilled cheese sandwich.

I'm awesome.

However, November 12th also marks another glorious feat which should not ever be overlooked. 32 years ago, even before my mother graced this planet with my existence (holy shit, I'm old), the world was introduced to Baby Goose.

This led to an epic chain of events that includes this video that doesn't make me a pedophile;



and culminates (so far) with this scene from the best film released in 2011 that did not result at all in my ladyboner.



Also none of my friends talked to me on Facebook at all today inquiring when this post was going to go up. Kitty and I in particular did not have this conversation, which never made me sincerely question the validity of what I used to consider our very close friendship:

Nugs: Today is Ryan Gosling's birthday
If I get arrested will you bail me out?

Kitty: Sure!
Have fun!

Nugs: Why do I think you're lying?
You're totally going to call the cops

Kitty: lol

Nugs: Maybe he likes handcuffs
I couldn't tell even though I've been hiding outside his house for a week I mean no
Can you imagine if I knew where his house was?????
*DIES*

*extremely long pause*

You're forwarding this conversation to the government, aren't you?

Kitty: I kinda do
It's near one of my friend's places
in Beverly Hills (that is RIGHT NEAR ME OHMYGODKHDUYWTEYEUWGDYGFDCBCHDHHJ)

Nugs: WHAT.
HOW HAS THIS NEVER COME UP???????????
WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS.

I told my dad about this, by the way, and he just gave me a horrified look and went, "NO." Bobby asked me what I wrote on the card when I mailed him a chloroformed cake and nudie pic. Shut up! You guys don't know my life.

Also also- this:

I don't even... I'm done.

Anyway, enjoy this Evolution of Divinity from Buzzfeed of all the ways that the world has thanked Ryan Gosling's mom for bequeathing us with his photoshop-like presence. And Canada, we almost forgive you for Justin Bieber.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-evolution-of-divinity-everything-ryan-gosling
(Reminder- from the year 2000+ he is 100% legal. Party on.)

The Sick, Strange Cult of Nugs

About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post dedicated to the devastating loss of my grandmother, who for my first 28 years served as one of the most significant and influential parts of my life. Today would have been her 86th birthday.

I called my mom to commemorate this event, and also to remind her that later this week is Rosh Hashanah, or for those of you who aren't of the Jewish persuasion, our New Year. For anyone who is, in fact, of the Jewish persuasion, you will know exactly what I mean when I use the phrase "Jewish mother." I always love talking to her, but our conversations tend to remind me of this:



My mother is one of those moms who adores her family and would do anything for her kids, but she's also the fifth one down on the list when I have news- good or bad- because I know she'll immediately call everyone I've known since I was five and blow it way out of proportion. If I have a paper cut, I'm dying. If I have a date (like that will ever happen), I'm automatically engaged. Maybe this is because I'm pushing thirty, single and have no discernable donor candidates.

Today's telephone exchange inspired me to write this post, based on a recent discussion I had with my brother over Facebook chat. He IM'ed me to talk about recent plans about my move (more about that as it gets closer to the date) and to give me updates on his own life: job stuff, music preferences, and dating stories. He had just started seeing someone and wanted to give me a heads up before my mom started picking out china patterns. His new girlfriend is two years older than he is (older woman- nicely done) and a lawyer, so right away my mom is probably naming their first born. I told a few of my friends about this rap session, and the most common follow-up question was "why is this not a blog entry?" Once you scroll down, you may begin to see why.

Highlights from the found footage of my Jewish family, ladies and gentlemen:

Nugs:  (re: Brother Nugs' new gf) That's awesome!
Brother Nugs: Don't tell Dad yet. I want to call him tomorrow. Unless you just texted him, just now.
Nugs: It's literally been like four seconds. I'm not Mom.
Brother Nugs: Haha. True.
Nugs: So what did you lead with? "I'm dating someone" or "she's a lawyer?"
Brother Nugs: Does it matter?
Nugs: Not really. Either way Mom is already blueprinting the sonogram.
Brother Nugs: Also I told Mom she doesn't have Facebook.
Nugs: Does she?
Brother Nugs: Of course she does. Everyone is on Facebook.
Nugs: Ahahaha. Well played.

***(This is the part where I admit I went through his friends and found someone who I think is her. She looks like she's probably pretty cute but sadly her profile is private. Creepy stalker or curious sister? Your call.)***

Nugs: Remember when I dated a Jewish lawyer? After a month she was already drafting wedding invites.
Brother Nugs: Yeah. I remember him. That guy was a douchebag. For some reason Mom really liked him though.
Nugs: Jewish. And lawyer. Although Mom likes anyone who she thinks is going to implant me with their seed.
Brother Nugs: You're definitely next.
Nugs: She's like, "How about that nice kid in the next apartment?" And I'm like, "No Mom. He's 16, and a Klansman."



Brother Nugs: She probably likes that at least he has high-thread count sheets that get frequently washed. You need better excuses.

This is seriously the conversation that occurred, on Facebook, between my brother and I, at 9pm PST on a weeknight.

The best part is that my mom insists that she's totally normal and doesn't do any of this. The three of us (I have two brothers) all know that she's insane, but we've all grown accustomed to it over the years and usually just do the sitcom shoulder shrug at this point.

I know that I'm not alone in this and that some of you know exactly what I'm referring to here. Are all of your parents desperate to marry you off and turkey baster anyone that walks in the door? Please, tell me I'm not a cult of one (or three).

Everything You Know Is Wrong Forever

Today is a tragic day in the history of children everywhere, chronologically and otherwise:

Baby Beluga has died.

For the three of you (or, perhaps, the foreigners) who are not aware of the existence of Baby Beluga, allow me to induct you into the heartwarming world of timeless stories and songs.

I, like many of my friends, was introduced to Baby Beluga by Raffi, the singer-songwriter who touched all our hearts with joy when he sang and strummed his guitar along to "Mr. Sun," "Down By The Bay," "Willoughby Wallaby Woo" and "Bananaphone." I must have made my parents take me to see Raffi in concert at least 37 times. I also used to act out his songs in their bedroom, except when he sang about the Spider on the Floor. That was kind of fucked up, Raffi. I hate spiders.

Anyway, this morning, when I went to Entertainment Weekly's website, I was unsuspectedly greeted by this horrendous shocker, which I immediately posted on Facebook and then forwarded to everyone I knew.

I feel like half of my life has been a lie, and I've been forced to re-evaluate everything I've learned in my formative years. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loved "Wheels on the Bus."



Will I find out tomorrow that that bus got towed? I was also really into "Frere Jacques" even though I had no idea what the fuck I was saying until a few years later when I found out you had to be French to know what the lyrics meant. But since I was like five and didn't know about this whole "discrimination" concept, I really didn't care. Raffi was amazing, and his songs were captivating. Get a load of his awe-inspiring three-disc miracle here.

I remember when I was in pre-school, Baby Beluga was the greatest form of musical composition ever created. I still remember all the lyrics, and also that it was directly responsible for a time period of about two to three years where I was obsessed with whales. I also recall REALLY wanting to be "older" so I could have a banana phone. I still want, one, actually. That would be badass.

This was a pretty depressing day for my childhood, so I'll probably sit around and watch cartoons for the rest of the night. I suggest you all make yourselves a nice PB&J with the crusts cut off, and I  will sign off with this:


Stay strong.

All Apologies

I got really bored at work today, because it's a day that ends in "Y" and therefore I have nothing to do but sit around, look up asinine shit and harass Coyote Tits on Facebook. I was perusing the celebrity gossip sites, pretending it's "for research" (hey, I work for a film company!), when I found this on Dlisted.com. It's a screen capture of some idiot tweenybopper's (let's hope) Twitter feed, and frighteningly, I actually think whoever wrote it is 100% serious:

Welcome to our future, ladies and... well, clearly not ladies. And also, no gentlemen, either. So... toddlers? Chihuahuas? Fans of the Alabama Crimson Tide? (Fuck those guys! Go Gators!) Miley Cyrus?

Sounds about right.

Upon closer inspection of this mystical revelation posted by "Amanda Bieber" (I'm guessing not written on her birth certificate), I realized that her tweet did not, in fact, make me mentally implode as much as I expected it to. Now, before you're all like, "What the fuck?"; just hear me out, and draw your own conclusions:

1)  Read it over again: this girl's logic may be exponentially flawed, but her grammar and spelling are impeccable. So at least, you know, there's that. Yay, education?

B) This incredibly discomforting Twitter post just proves that Kurt Cobain, who I grew up rocking out to even after his death, really did predict the future with his words. Observe some lyrics from Nirvana's massive classic hit "Smells Like Teen Spirit":

Load up on guns, bring your friends 
It's fun to lose and to pretend 
She's overboard and self-assured 
Oh, no, I know a dirty word 


With the lights out, it's less dangerous 
Here we are now, entertain us 
I feel stupid and contagious 
Here we are now, entertain us 


Almost twenty years later, we have "Amanda Bieber." I think I'm done here.


PS- shit, I'm old.


SHARKTOPUS) We can all rest assured that one day, this delusional moron will eventually die. Also, so will Justin Bieber. 


You can all check out Dlisted's original post here.

Don't Call It A Comeback

Or, call it what you want. Whatever. I've been gone for like eight months. Let's do this.

This is not an April Fool's Day joke, yo. I know what you're thinking.

I'm not going to be one of those bloggers that's all, "sorry I left," and then offers up a bunch of shit reasons as to why I haven't posted in almost a year. The truth is, you probably don't care, and after a few months weeks hours of checking to see whether or not I've been updating, you realized that I was probably too lazy and moved on to other blogs that more deserving of your time and effort.

Yeah, well, I am sorry. It turns out I do have a soul- or just a Jewish mother who practically took a class in guilt-tripping and was all like, "at least let your adoring public know that you're not dead." I tried to explain that I don't have an adoring public, just a few people who really wanted me to start writing again (one of them, my friend Jorge, is one of the new additions to my blogroll- more on that later. You can blame him and Coyote Tits for being the two who really got my ass in gear. Tits' definition of "loving text messages" are "I don't see a post from you yet, bitch." Disclaimer: we may both have been slightly hammered at the time.

So, right- the vanishing act that I pulled back in August. When I last left That Ain't Kosher I think I had just moved back to LA. I was still sponging off both of my parents, hoping for either a) that sweet unemployment check or b) that my extreme flexibility skills would finally come in handy in the job market ("able to put legs behind head" combined with "ninja napping" would have definitely worked if I took over HR, is all I'm saying). I'd been promised a new job in California but based on the stellar track record I'd experienced I was basically planning on hitting up all the local fast food chains I could think of.

So far, this work situation has been a relatively cush deal- I'm the right hand to the CEO at an indie film production company. When I'm not working from home (which means sleeping in!), I sometimes get to travel to cool places like London, and if I'm there long enough, I'll get to go to all the film festivals next year. I also get to read scripts before they're developed, and I spend a lot of time doing nerdy shit like research and designing spreadsheets, which is pretty much my sexual chocolate.

Someone please buy me a shirt that says this. I'll be yours forever. KTHNX. <3

Bonus: I never have to deal with actors, producers, directors and anyone else that would probably act like a complete asshole. My boss basically relies on me for everything, though, even things that he could do in two seconds, and never gives me any follow-up, so I'm pretty much ready to start looking for something else. We'll see how shit goes down.

Speaking of working from home, I'm finally back in my own place! My girls in the Nip Clique have been fostering my illegal obsession decorating skillz by sending me robot accessories and Gosling pictures, so keep coming back for news on that front.

Haha. "Coming."

Oh haaaai, future alimony check.

I don't think it's really necessary to get into the mind-blowingly miserable deal that is my social life. While again, I have the Nip Clique to keep me from going completely insane, there are only like two people here that bring my tolerance level up to eleven, and neither of them are of the penis variety. I spent the Fall and Winter taking leisurely escapes from LA and managed to hit Chicago with Lily (twice!), Missouri with Shelly and Nicole, and FINALLY got in that weekend in NOLA with Sara, where she got me loaded for my birthday. Yvonne, that freeloading bitch, came on all the trips with us and then ran away with all our cash and liquor. We have no idea where she is right now- last I heard she was on her way to Boston to steal a bunch of shit from Ginny. My next planned vacation is for the last two weekends in May when I embark on the Nugs East Coast Tour. If any of you are around, hit me up! We should totally hang.

Oh yeah, my birthday- so that happened. I have nine months left of my second decade. I'm turning thirty in January.

FUCK ME.

Anyway, I haven't been totally away from the blogging community. I've still been pretty active on 20sb, and I've even tricked some of you into thinking I deserved a Bootleg Award (technically, I wasn't a Last Chance Blogger yet, so I can take it again this year! I'm starting my campaign now. I have cookies). I'm also still 1/5 of the Snark Squad- we also won a Bootleg for Best Group Blog, which was truly awesome. You guys are the best.

So I'm back. I can't promise anything life-changing or even eloquently witty, because I am definitely not yet back in the game. I can, however, give you an updated TAK, like changes to the blogroll and a new layout (soon! I promise), SMAC and quite possibly Aural Sex, epic guest posters and the eventual return of my acerbic humor and inappropriate commentary. I promise I will never, ever leave all of you for this long again.

Transform and roll out.

SMAC: The Shellator Edition

A lot of you may be wondering what happened to this month’s edition of SMAC (I say “may” because we all know that really isn’t the case. Please just validate me).

The reason you didn’t see anything hilarious or painful on the 2^nd of this month is because we’ve all been busy concocting a mad scheme to humiliate celebrate everyone’s favorite Nip Cliquer (there was a poll), Shelly from Starting Over.

Her birthday is today, and in the grand Nip Tradition of forcing all of us to come to terms with the aging process, we decided to change the name of the anagram from Shitty Movie Awareness Club to Shelly Movie Awareness Club. You’re welcome, Shells. <3<3<3

For the last couple of months, there have been emails, spreadsheets (of course), smoke signals and carrier pigeons in order to get this party started. So not only did we manage to pull this off in time for The Shellator’s actual birthday, I’m totally impressed that we did this completely behind her back. And Shells, if you did actually figure this out, please just let us have this.

Not like I would have an issue with anyone I got paired up with, but I’m stoked to be posting for Rio. I also convinced Risha to add in some commentary, so it’s kind of like the best threesome in the history of blogging. If you feel like skipping the rest of this intro, you can scroll down and read Ginny’s review of Short Circuit, whenever she gets it to me. BTW, the entire Nip Clique have been campaigning for months to get Gin voted Featured Blogger, and it finally worked. Mob mentality FTW!

Anyway, you can see the list of bloggers who worship The Shellator below, along with their choices of Shelly-based movies. We’re all waiting for her to pretend to be pissed off, but then be like, “Oh dear!” and be super embarrassed but also secretly laugh.

We love you, Shells- we hope this is your best birthday ever! And uh, please vlog your face when you read this post.

This Month’s SHELLY MOVIE AWARENESS CLUB Swap List:

GINNY with Short Circuit

NUGS and RISHA with Beauty and the Beast

RIO with Scooby Doo

LILY with Alice In Wonderland

COYOTE ROSE with 2009’s Star Trek

MANDY MOORE with Now & Then

TABS with Star Wars

LORRAINE, NICOLE SWEENEY and SARA NIPPLES with Susie Q

HARLEY with The Aristocats

And now- Ginny brings it.

This month for the shitty movie review ring we're mixing it up. First of

all it's Shelly birthday! Happy birthday Shelly! Second of all we picked movies to review that remind us of Shelly. Lastly, this is not a shitty movie and if you tell me you don't like this movie I'm going to think there is something wrong with you.

Editor’s note: I TOTALLY agree. This movie is awesome.

When I think of Shelly I think of cats and animals. If a live robot came to Shelly's house I have no doubt she would take it it in and have a little robot pet. That's not a very good hint to the movie I'm reviewing so I'll just tell you. In honor of Shelly I'm reviewing Short Circuit. Johnny Five is the original Wall-E!

In case you haven't seen this classic 80s movie this is what you need to know. There's a robot (number 5) that gets struck by lightning and becomes alive. He escapes from Nova and Nova wants their pricey robot back. Steve Guttenburg along with some random indian dude that has the best lines in the whole movie try to get the robot back since they created the robot and their boss is pissed.

Now Ally Sheedy takes in Number Five because her character Stephanie takes in every animal under the sun! She's got cats, skunks, dogs, bunnies, geese, kittens, and now a robot who she thinks is an alien. Yeah because my first impression when I see a robot is that it must be an alien. Stephanie is the reason why this movie reminds me of Shelly. How many cats can I have? Not enough. At least this is what I imagine Ally Sheedy says in this movie because this woman has a zoo in her house.

Now the Indian engineer sneaks in these lines that have me dying laughing.

"I am thinking she is a virgin, or at least she used to be."

"With excitement like this who is needing enemas?"

Driver: "He can't shoot us with that lazer can he?"

Ben: "I am not knowing!"

Driver: "Would he kill me if I stop?"

Ben: "Who is to say?"

Driver: "Will he kill me if I don't stop?"

Ben: "Again I am shrugging!"

At the end of this movie Steve Guttenberg invites Alley Sheedy to live him on some huge amount of land his family has in another state. She hesitates for five seconds and then asks him how he feels about animals. That's right Guttenberg, Ally Sheedy is taking all her animals with her and you can't stop her!  Shelly should be cast in the remake.