Don't Call It A Comeback

Or, call it what you want. Whatever. I've been gone for like eight months. Let's do this.

This is not an April Fool's Day joke, yo. I know what you're thinking.

I'm not going to be one of those bloggers that's all, "sorry I left," and then offers up a bunch of shit reasons as to why I haven't posted in almost a year. The truth is, you probably don't care, and after a few months weeks hours of checking to see whether or not I've been updating, you realized that I was probably too lazy and moved on to other blogs that more deserving of your time and effort.

Yeah, well, I am sorry. It turns out I do have a soul- or just a Jewish mother who practically took a class in guilt-tripping and was all like, "at least let your adoring public know that you're not dead." I tried to explain that I don't have an adoring public, just a few people who really wanted me to start writing again (one of them, my friend Jorge, is one of the new additions to my blogroll- more on that later. You can blame him and Coyote Tits for being the two who really got my ass in gear. Tits' definition of "loving text messages" are "I don't see a post from you yet, bitch." Disclaimer: we may both have been slightly hammered at the time.

So, right- the vanishing act that I pulled back in August. When I last left That Ain't Kosher I think I had just moved back to LA. I was still sponging off both of my parents, hoping for either a) that sweet unemployment check or b) that my extreme flexibility skills would finally come in handy in the job market ("able to put legs behind head" combined with "ninja napping" would have definitely worked if I took over HR, is all I'm saying). I'd been promised a new job in California but based on the stellar track record I'd experienced I was basically planning on hitting up all the local fast food chains I could think of.

So far, this work situation has been a relatively cush deal- I'm the right hand to the CEO at an indie film production company. When I'm not working from home (which means sleeping in!), I sometimes get to travel to cool places like London, and if I'm there long enough, I'll get to go to all the film festivals next year. I also get to read scripts before they're developed, and I spend a lot of time doing nerdy shit like research and designing spreadsheets, which is pretty much my sexual chocolate.

Someone please buy me a shirt that says this. I'll be yours forever. KTHNX. <3

Bonus: I never have to deal with actors, producers, directors and anyone else that would probably act like a complete asshole. My boss basically relies on me for everything, though, even things that he could do in two seconds, and never gives me any follow-up, so I'm pretty much ready to start looking for something else. We'll see how shit goes down.

Speaking of working from home, I'm finally back in my own place! My girls in the Nip Clique have been fostering my illegal obsession decorating skillz by sending me robot accessories and Gosling pictures, so keep coming back for news on that front.

Haha. "Coming."

Oh haaaai, future alimony check.

I don't think it's really necessary to get into the mind-blowingly miserable deal that is my social life. While again, I have the Nip Clique to keep me from going completely insane, there are only like two people here that bring my tolerance level up to eleven, and neither of them are of the penis variety. I spent the Fall and Winter taking leisurely escapes from LA and managed to hit Chicago with Lily (twice!), Missouri with Shelly and Nicole, and FINALLY got in that weekend in NOLA with Sara, where she got me loaded for my birthday. Yvonne, that freeloading bitch, came on all the trips with us and then ran away with all our cash and liquor. We have no idea where she is right now- last I heard she was on her way to Boston to steal a bunch of shit from Ginny. My next planned vacation is for the last two weekends in May when I embark on the Nugs East Coast Tour. If any of you are around, hit me up! We should totally hang.

Oh yeah, my birthday- so that happened. I have nine months left of my second decade. I'm turning thirty in January.

FUCK ME.

Anyway, I haven't been totally away from the blogging community. I've still been pretty active on 20sb, and I've even tricked some of you into thinking I deserved a Bootleg Award (technically, I wasn't a Last Chance Blogger yet, so I can take it again this year! I'm starting my campaign now. I have cookies). I'm also still 1/5 of the Snark Squad- we also won a Bootleg for Best Group Blog, which was truly awesome. You guys are the best.

So I'm back. I can't promise anything life-changing or even eloquently witty, because I am definitely not yet back in the game. I can, however, give you an updated TAK, like changes to the blogroll and a new layout (soon! I promise), SMAC and quite possibly Aural Sex, epic guest posters and the eventual return of my acerbic humor and inappropriate commentary. I promise I will never, ever leave all of you for this long again.

Transform and roll out.