I haven’t done Bloggerstock in a while, but I felt like I should contribute something because Alex told me in chat that it was the one year anniversary this month, and hey, I like commemorating shit. My Aural Sex column turns one this month, as well, and SMAC is celebrating its half-year birthday (you can do that, because I say so). There’s a lot going on in June, people. Pump up the valium.
Anyway, the last time I did Bloggerstock I got paired up with Mandy Moore and Molls so it would be pretty impossible for them to match that one. (BTW, Mollie has been going through some pretty rough shit as of late, so if all of you could keep her in your heart, that would be really awesome.)
HAHAHA. Wrong. For the Bloggerstock Anniversary Edition, I get to post for K. Syrah while I host Risha on That Ain’t Kosher! It’s like, are you kidding me??? Boner parade! (PS, Rish- I should have guessed that you liked it on top.)
You can read my contribution to this month's Bloggerstock Edition on Shoes Never Worn, but before you do that, dive into this helping of sexy right here. Picture Risha saying this stuff with her hot accent.
Yeah.
Hi, I’m Risha and I blog on you can read me anything, which is a collection of rants, moaning and general nonsense. Which also sums up my Bloggerstock post for this month! I’m hosting Nyx this month; so do go read her post, which is full of awesome. Between Nyx & Nugs, I’m in a fantastic BlogSandwich!
The theme for this month is “Before there were blogs” to commemorate Bloggerstock’s first anniversary! We’re meant to dig up our old diaries and journals and post a piece from our former, non-blogging selves.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any of my truly awful “I’m sixteen and I hate the world” journals with me here. I do, however, have my “I’m 21 and I’m travelling and I am such a pretentious little shit” journals.
I am truly sorry for putting you through this.
27.09.07
Traveling always makes me long for another few hours of traveling time, to discover beautiful new cities and, in some way, make them mine. On trains or side roads, I hear so many accents and languages, people who seem like they had interesting things to say or the kind of energy that would envelop you in laughter and fun.
I wish I could have known them.
An Autumn Window In Den Haag
Perhaps in a parallel universe, we shall have been good friends or perhaps even lovers.
But, for now, a surreptitious glance shall do as we go about our lives, conversations bumping against each other and your voice cutting through all the chatter & train sounds that overwhelm every journey.
Your voice is as distinct as your ice blue eyes.
This is every French cliche, ever. Versailles, France.
I am listening in to conversations I don’t understand in languages I don’t know. There is something that is both humbling and liberating about being unsure of whether you can communicate even if you wanted to. My mumbled “Vielen Dank” ,“Merci beaucoup”, “Dank je wel” , “Gracias”, “Köszönöm” at every held-open door and pushed-ticket window, is jumbled up in English pronunciation and terrible language skills. Yet, people smile with broad grins and nods at every failed attempt to not butcher a language alien to my tongue.
On trains to somewhere else, a backpack overhead and feet aching, I play “Guess the language” in my head. I will never know if I was right and if I won.
Brugge really is a fucking fairytale town. Brugge, Belgium.
I have a camera full of monuments. Places seen on films that broke my heart or made me sing, backdrops to famous scenes and dancing montages.
And now, they are suffused with a knowing, a touch, and a breath of all that it has seen and held. A shared space, a known story.
The Eiffel Tower, Paris, France
I walk around these spaces on gloomy afternoons, the sky overcast and threatening. People stop to ask if I need help with my map and I am stunned by the humanity that surrounds me.
People love their cities, their towns, and little foreign girls who look lost.
I was drenched in a downpour, watched the rubbish bin tumble down a cobbled street and hail smash into windscreens.
Only stepping into a new place exhilarates me more.
The bridge over the Danube, connecting the cities of Buda and Pest. Budapest, Hungary.
Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far. When I started That Ain't Kosher, I figured maybe four people would be interested in what I had to say and I would give up after a few weeks and go back to watching old episodes of Stargate all day.
Well, too bad for you, because I'm a persistent little asshole. A few months ago a bunch of you voted that I should do a vlog, so I decided to celebrate my hundredth by gracing your screens with my drunken redeye majestic visage. It just so happened that this milestone fell during the weekend of Mandy Moore's epic birthday ridiculousness, so I got her wasted and tricked her into making a guest appearance. I know all of you are quivering with longing, so I'll shut up and get right to it.
So here goes my anonymity, shot to shit. Enjoy. Thanks to Mandy for relinquishing her dignity.
You guys have finally done it: You've convinced me to break down and record myself wailing like a dying seal singing my ass off for this month's Karaoke Ring of Death.
I hate you all SOHARD right now. Dickweeds.
If you feel you must, you can check out my video on Lor's blog, Late To The Party. In the meantime, bear witness to Rio from Good Music, Bad Math right here. He's actually a musician, so his shit's got to be more entertaining than watching me make a complete fool of myself.
Well, maybe not.
This month's theme was Love vs. Anti-love, so Rio actually did a video for each. Way to show me up, dude. Good work with that.
Anyway, enjoy.
Hey, not-so-kosher people, Rio here. Here below are my karaoke videos, and I have lots of fun doing them. A little too much fun perhaps. I think I get way too much into the song, but hopefully it will be entertaining in the sense that you look at the screen and say "I'm glad I'm not that guy". Hope you enjoy and check out my blog if you want to laugh at me or praise me some more.
Welcome to this month's installment of the Horrible Movie Review Blogring. I never took the time to think of a creative title, and honestly, I'm way too lazy. If anyone has any ideas, I'll accept them, no credit given questions asked.
This month, we all reviewed shitty romantic comedies in honor of Valentine's Day. The theme changes every time we attempt this, so if you want to be part of this innovative conception, drop me an email- thataintkosher83@gmail.com. The swap list goes up on the 21st of the month and the postings go up on the 2nd.
I created this blogring so I would have an excuse to review the epic Academy Award winner Thankskilling (and not look like a total psycho) after discovering it on McGriddle Pant's blog, and this month, I'm all energized and shit to have her join in the merriment and post her rom-com review for me. In fact, it's almost arousing. Read on; she's hilarious. And when you're done, why don't you meander on over to Coyote Rose's place and witness me destroy Valentine's Day? I'm still recovering.
When charged with the daunting task of reviewing a RomCom for my super-fun-number-one blog friend Nugs @ That Ain’t Kosher, I was super excited! So many ridiculously unrealistic, boring and all around craptastic movies to choose from! Which, in itself, was a bit overwhelming. I mean, honestly almost any Katherine Heigl movie would be a prime choice. Then I made the mistake of Googling “shitty romantic comedies” and so many cinematic delights popped up. But the worst part was that most of the top shitty pics were movies Iactually liked. Oh dear.
One movie in particular that I pretty much hated from the get-go was How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I mean, I could write a book on how to lose a guy in 10 seconds, who needs ten whole days? So I decided to watch yet another Kate Hudson/McConauhey debacle called Fools Gold. The synopsis according to Rotten Tomatoes is thus: A new clue to the whereabouts of a lost treasure rekindles a married couple's sense of adventure -- and their estranged romance. Talk about a recipe for comic GOLD!!
First off, there’s nothing a girl likes better than to see a shirtless, sexy, tan man in the first .00045 seconds of a movie (much like men like to see boobies – see: Thankskilling). HOWEVER, seeing Mr. McConauhey shirtless is about as new and exciting as watching the Kardashians hock diet pills (or shoes… or clothes… or booze…) Its tired. And as for the two of them? I felt like I was watching an episode of Jersey Shore, as the two stars overly tanned, overly taught skin was sickening.
Excuse me... I just threw up a little in my mouth.
You’d think that with the premise of multiple underwater fights, high-speed shenanigans involving motor scooters, Jet Skis and prop planes, that this would be a fun-filled Actromedy (Action-Romantic-Comedy; yes, I’m allowed to make up words.) However the two leads, who were mildly more electrifying in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, appear to be failing a class in high school chemistry. Even the villains are too goofy to provide any real sense of danger.
Look, Nancy Drew... A CLUE!
I’ll be honest, I took a phone call, went to the bathroom without pausing the flick, refilled my beer glass multiple (five) times and even dozed off once. So maybe my opinion is moot. Will Finn and Tess find the treasure before the bad guys? Will they put aside their differences and rekindle their love?
Yes to both questions!
No, I haven’t spoiled anything, by the way. But perhaps I’ve saved you some trouble.
So here's a shocker: I get jealous sometimes. I know, what could I possibly have to be envious of?
I totally want to join in on this Karaoke Blogring of Death that all my friends are doing every month, but I don't have a webcam, so I decided to make my own swap. I asked a bunch of my fellow Bloggi (I'm totally going to pimp that word, yo) to pick a terrible movie of their choice and review it, then stick said review on another unsuspecting blogger's page. First up for 2011: Shitty Horror Films.
I got to post for the sex-tastic Christina, and you can read my post on the Citizen Kane of direct-to-DVD's Thankskillinghere. Before you do that, read Brian, from phonon505, right under me (RAWR). This was supposed to go up yesterday, and it is TOTALLY his fault that this is late, but he's forgiven because he promised me pie later on (Double RAWR). Whatever. Just enjoy.
Oh, PS- Brian is really smart and there's lots of engineer-y stuff in here, so my head kind of exploded. I'm SO going to check out this movie.
Hey all, so my movie review of the month is of this awesome move entitled "Primer" , which turns out is nottt exactly a horror movie. But it is a crazy movie, and everybody loves le crazy. But hey, it was between that and Twelve Monkeys, and who wants to talk about the possible destruction of the human race via biological warfare?
This movie opens up with a bunch of guys sitting around a table trying to formulate the next get-rich-quick scheme. These are pretty smart dudes, too, the kind of people that mere mortals would call an engineer.
WOOT Engineers!
They want to solve some of the worlds major problems, but to make a long story short, they build a really shitty time / aging machine. It's basically a box with some awesome pseudophysics going on, and inside of this box an object experiences time at something like 4000 times the normal rate, so you can put a piece of apple pie in here for 5 minutes, when it comes out it's going to be disgusting and nasty, so nasty that I really just can't let you have a piece, Nugs. You'd get sick! But whats even cooler about this box is that is makes absolutely no sense - because een though you would mega-age if you got in here, if you get out at specific intervals of time, you don't age at all and instead go back in time to the time when the machine first got turned on. Essentially, they realize that their machine ages things really fast, and say "Hey, we can use this to go back in time" and it works. I just want to re-iterate, it's a really crappy time machine, because if you crawl out of bed at the wrong moment, you age hundreds or thousands or days instead of going back in time 4 hours.
One of the rules in time travel is that you never go back to visit yourself. Well, this machine can only go back in time to the day it was last turned on, so that doesn't really work here. These dudes start going back in time a few hours, knowing what happens in the future (aka stock market going up) but what's really creepy is that there are "doubles" of them. This is where things get really, really strange, and your head explodes.
Plot Flow-Chart, Courtsey Randall Munroe
It turns out that because you get stuck in an endless loop of time travel you end up with lots of time to make spare time machines, and that's really important because you can only use a machine to go back in time when it was first flipped on. So these dudes keep whipping out these time machines that they have turned on earlier and earlier, and getting attacked their doubles. But the really, really sad thing, is that once you decide to travel back in time, you're sort of, well, dead, and it's actually a duplicate person who appears back in time. Like I said, this is by far the biggest piece of junk time machine ever invented. But the movie is actually pretty good if you can prevent your head from exploding int he last third of it. Lots of emotional crap with the doubling, fun pseudo scientific talk, a little Wall Street. On my scale of movie ratings, this move is "The Best".
Cheers!
-Brian M
OK, so I understood like seven words in this review, but I'm a gigantic nerd, so I still find time travel talk to be pretty hot. Call me, Brian. <3
If you guys want to participate next month when we do crappy rom-coms in honor of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.comby January 20th. I may do a vlog because apparently that's what you guys voted on last month, so I don't really have a choice.
I know that you all know by now that I do Bloggerstock pretty frequently, and since this is the last one of the year, I figured I should make an appearance. For the most part, I've been pretty satisfied with my Bloggystock pairings, but this month they really hit this shit out of the park.
For December's theme, "What Inspires You?" I got paired up with two of my best blogoverse friends. You can see my guest post on Mandy Moore's page, and I'm bringing you the crafty stylings of Mollie Marissa from Pearl Tigress. BTW, she was equally psyched to post for me. Here's what she sent me in her email:
I'm excited I get to post on your blog for bloggerstock. It made my night.
Aww, me too, Molls! Love.
Maybe the founders of Bloggerstock finally took my advice and rigged this shit. I doubt it, though. I probably just got lucky. Anyway, here's Mollie's post. Enjoy.
At first I started thinking about what inspires my blog posts, but that was pretty boring. Then I broadened my focus and wondered what inspires... me. My very being. What makes me tick, what makes me want to do something?
I've found that I have this abstract sense of something that I can only call "goodness". It's the concept of health, peace, happiness. I suppose I'm a bit of an idealist. It's that drive towards goodness though that motivates me to live the way I do. I try to eat right and get exercise because the idea of a healthy body is so appealing. I play the piano and draw and sing because art is just so beautiful. I teach because I want children to experience loving support and security and a love of learning. I blog because I think being able to express yourself freely and learn from others' experiences and have a community is an essential part of humanity. I am an idealist, and I believe those ideals can be at least partially achieved here and now. As long as I have the inspiration of those ideals I will continue to do everything I can to reach them. Goodness. Goodness is my inspiration.
That's sweet.
Anyway, don't forget to check out my post on Mandy's page, and everybody PLEASE go out and have a kick-ass New Year's. Be safe, be healthy, and don't do anyone I wouldn't do.
Yup, it's Bloggerstock time again, and this month I was fortunate enough to be paired with Michael Venske over at React/Impact. At first I was worried that this was clearly NOT a match, because if you happen to read his blog, it's classy as shit. I mean, dude writes about the New York Film Festival and everything.
However, when he emailed me his post, the first thing he told me was that he "liked my disclaimer," which kind of got me excited because I thought he was coming on to me. Then I remembered that my blog actually has a parental guidance button.
Oh.
Then after exchanging emails, Michael admitted that he was writing my guest post while half in the bag. That is fucking amazing. I mean, we've all done it, but everyone that's seen me while in my natural state I'm sort of feeling less productive knows that I can barely string together a few coherent sentences, let alone write a full post. I think I just found a new blogoverse friend- or my partner in the greatest heist movie never made.
Anyway, here's his post. To read what I'm not thankful for this month, head over to Gabriel's joint, Playful Paradox.
INFO
Hey, I'm Michael, today's guest blogger from Walk | On | Red. If you're looking for your daily dose of That Ain't Kosher, you can find Nugs guest blogging on Gabriel's Playful Paradox. Also visit Walk | On | Red and see what Jennifer from Starving, Insatiable has to say! Q: So, what's this Bloggerstock nonsense all about anyway? A: Bloggerstock is a group of bloggers blogging on other bloggers' blogs with all the blog posts linked to one another creating a circle-jerk of bloggy proportions related to one topic. November's Topic:
This time of year everyone is getting ready for Thanksgiving (in the USA), so a lot of people spend a lot of time thinking about what they ARE thankful for. This time we are turning the tables over! Tell us what you are NOT thankful for!
Before we get to my "unthankfuls," I have to say that I'm excited to be posting on That Ain't Kosher! Any blog that comes with a disclaimer is the tits in my book!
"UNTHANKFUL"
unthankful - 1. Not thankful; ungrateful. 2. Not drawing thanks; unwelcome. What are you unthankful for?
When I think of the world and all the things to be unthankful for, a few things comes to mind easily: the rising cost of living, cops on a power trip, and farts in enclosed spaces. War, rush hour, and black licorice are a close second. And while I could write extensively on how unthankful I am to overhear my neighbors fornicating, I'm seriously struggling with how to write about what I'm NOT thankful for...
Wait! That's it! Writer's block coupled with fear! I am NOT thankful for writer's block or fear!
For the past few months I've had an idea for a one-person show, but I can't get it onto the page. For the past few years I've had a story (see my Bloggerstock: Theme Song post) I've wanted to put into words, but I can't. It's possible that subconsciously I assume that if I write said one-person play and story that I'll be putting myself -- heart, soul, reputation, career -- on the line and I could fail.
Yikes! That's some scary stuff to realize!
In an effort to conquer my fear and deal with my writer's block, for five minutes I'm going to do some free-writing with my eyes closed. I'm not going to edit the content or censor myself. The following are just thoughts pushed from my fingers.
Five minutes on the clock. Timer's ready. Set. Write!
I need a fucking desk! There was a Bloggerstock post question a few months ago that asked about what was one your desk... I didn't participate because I don't have a desk. I have a laptop. I don't have a desk. If I had a desktop, I suppose I would need the desk, but I jus take my computer with me everywhere and... That's probably it. I don't have aa homebase to write at. I don't have my "comfort zone." Yeah, I need a desk. I'm moving. Moving in the middle of a middesota winter. I don't know if that registered, I'm gonna type it again: Minnesota winter. Yep. Technically I'm moving tomorrow I think. I need to drop off the remainder of my deposit and then I'll get the keys... I'm not looking forward to moving up four flights of stairs, but at least I'll be warm while I'm busing things in and out of my car up the stairs... I didn't really want to move, but it's one of those crappy grown-up decisions I had to make in an effort to save my home. So I'm leaving, renters are coming in. On the plus side, my new apartment will be right next to my favorite bar. Not that it really matters, but it's always nice to know a nightcap is just a few flights down. Pause. Pause. Pause. The important thing is to keep writighting and keep teh fingers moving. For afew beats there I stopped and let my fingers rest and my brain think. I suppose that's probably a mistake. I turned my screen off so i can't see what I'm writing, I wish I could, but that's probably wise that I can't. I'm kinda in love with editing as I write and it's a serious problem. Subconsciously -- THAT'S TIME!
Okay. I think I know what I need to do: write. every. day. Honestly, that's part of why I separated my acting blog from the-things-I-want-write-about blog -- so I could write about whatever I want and not worry about offending a potential client, director, etc.
Bloggerstock, thanks for helping me get to the root of what's been bothering me! Michael Venske (Walk | On | Red) is a Minneapolis-based actor & educator whose career highlights include hugging Grammy-award winner Chuck Mangione and being paid. Michael has been blogging on and off for nearly ten years. Read other subjective thoughts at Walk | On | Red or his acting blog.
Not like I haven't taken the whole week off, but whatever.
I've once again signed up for this deal called Bloggerstock, which will be explained henceforth, and note my use of Elizabethan phrasing or whatever the hell that was. I got teamed up with Puneeth at Rustic Reverie, who agreed to take over That Ain't Kosher for the day. So here's his shit.
Hi. This post is coming to you thanks to an idea called Bloggerstock.
Bloggerstock aims to create a "Blog-ring", where a group of people post on a common topic on each others' blog, creating a kind of a ringof posts. The bloggers are given a topic each month and they post on that topic.
This month's topic is Do-over. I'm going to talk about one thing that I'd like to do-over, given the hind-sight that I have after the event.
Bloggerstock: Do-over
There are a hundred thousand things that I felt like doing over -- doing better, doing differently, or refraining from doing -- after having done them. All sorts of things, from a pass in a game of football to an argument with a friend to the way I prepared for a test to the courses I took in college to the book(s) I (didn't) read, and so on...
But now, when I wish to write about one thing that I'd like to do-over, I'm really out of ideas. I'm in no position to write anything. Obviously, it's not the lack of instances or incidents.
There are, as I said, a hundred thousand things that I felt really bad or angry about and badly wanted to change the way I did them. Time has probably healed the injuries and relieved the pain. I don't feel so intensely about them, anymore.
In fact, I even have started to think they are an integral part of me. I wouldn't be me -- what I am today -- even if one of those things had been done differently. These things make up what I am. But, on some further thought, this begins to feel like, just an excuse to avoid thinking really hard about life. An excuse to avoid writing about something that I really want to do differently. Do over. More thought and Viola! I finally came up with some thing better. More realistic. More sensible. Less of an excuse. :P
I would re-live my college (read as a school, in American English) life, religiously writing into my journal every day. Each and every day! College has been a great learning experience --- I learn a lot of things (mostly out of class). A lot of things I'd like to go back to. Re-read. Recall. Ruminate upon. Re-learn. But often I fail. I'm lost.
I'm not able to go back, as well as I would like to. I've learnt some lessons, but I wish to go back and learn some new lessons. I wish to think about stuff, aloud. But I'm at a loss. I see no way. I can't go back as precisely and accurately as I'd have loved to. I really want to do-over my college life, and write into my diary each day of it.
I would've definitely written about something else now, if only I'd the habit of writing my diary diligently every day.
I hope to do that henceforth, at least.
So there's my Bloggerstock guest post. You can read my literary genius over at Witless Exposition, and because I love to pimp out my friends (maybe I'm in the wrong profession) check out Sara Nips' hilarious encounter on The Bear Monk's page. If you want to sign up for Bloggerstock next month (do it, or I will be PISSED), click the link here.
And speaking of guest bloggers, I'll finally deliver with my next post what I've been threatening for like eleven years already. Trust me, it's fucking epic.
I'm interrupting our regularly scheduled music programming to bring you an awesome gooey treat. A few blog posts ago I gave an award to Dan at From the Head of the Danaconda and it took him this long to acknowledge it (thanks a lot. A-hole). I can't be that pissed though, because this was how he thanked me over at his place:
I don't know her name and I don't know if I should. She gave me an award just for being me. It kind of gave me a boner. Her blog is fun and eclectic and she's a Jew from New York who shares my appreciation for disgust.
Those of you that know me are aware that I've been the cause of (and solution to) quite the shitload of boners, most of them regrettable, but this is the first one that has made me feel all warm inside without having to take care of a hefty gyno bill later. Dan is up for Featured Blogger for September at 20 Something Bloggers, so if you're a member get over there and vote for him. NOW. Don't make me bullwhip you... unless you like that.
PS- Dan- you'll eventually find out my name. I'm planning my homecoming where you make your requisite appearance, so I figure you'll probably need that detail. Oh, and I also bit the balls and got Formspring (there's a link on the homepage), so if anyone really needs to know anything about my personal life that badly, I guess you can always just ask. Don't be a stalker though!
Now on to the tunes!
Lately I've been listening to A LOT of Shiny Toy Guns, the band made famous by their covers of cheesy 80's tunes for the Lincoln car company, and they inspired this month's post on Most Awesome Covers. Qualifications include how hard the band doesn't suck, how their version holds up to the original, and in some cases, cultural significance.
I also don't want any shit about Whitney Houston or The Dixie Chicks. I really, really hate those two versions and refuse to put them on this list. I'm giving you my favorite covers, not chart toppers. Go to Billboard for that.
PS- I must say that it was really fucking obnoxious finding all the videos for these. It took me upwards of two days to write this post, and that's why it's going up so late. I'm not kidding. So don't complain about the quality.
Anyway, here are the Top 40 Greatest Cover Songs, according to me:
RICHIE KOTZEN- Sara Smile (this version is from May 2010)
Richie is actually a family friend who's an accomplished session and touring musician. He's also obsessed with Hall & Oates and has been performing this at his live shows for years. I'm not a Hall & Oates fan, but I have to say, after listening to the two versions side by side, it's pretty fucking close. If you get the chance, you should check out his other Youtube stuff- he writes his own material too. Try to ignore the outfits though- some of the videos are from the 80's.
The original- Sara Smile
Written by Daryl Hall and John Oates
Performed by HALL & OATES, 1976
THE MELVINS- The Green Manalishi (1999)
I threw this one in for my brother. He's a massive Melvins fan and asked me to acknowledge this version of the classic Fleetwood Mac song when I told him I was doing a post on my favorite covers. It is pretty good, actually. I love when artists from another genre interpret a song in an entirely different way- it leaves room for a new audience to discover the band.
My brother is an incredibly talented musician in his own right with a moderately successful unsigned band, and while we definitely don't share the same musical taste (that's putting it mildly), I do respect his opinion and will always promote what he suggests.
The original- The Green Manalishi
Written by Peter Green
Performed by FLEETWOOD MAC, 1970
BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD & CHER- I Got You Babe (1993)
I had to put this in because it's hilarious. Just check out the video. This was in 1993, so Cher was about 107 years old, and she actually re-recorded the song with Beavis and Butthead and is talking to them like they're actual people. I laughed my ass off.
The best part is when they insult Sonny Bono and call him a "dork" and a "wuss" and Cher is like, "well, kinda, yeah." I also love when Beavis sings the musical interludes. This might be the greatest cover of all time.
There's a rumor that MTV is working on bringing this show back. This needs to happen. I'm 100% serious when I say that I will start a petition and mail it to MTV.
The original- I Got You Babe
Written by Sonny Bono
Performed by SONNY & CHER, (1965)
BEN FOLDS- Such Great Heights (this video was from May 2010)
Ben Folds is interesting because he's so eclectic. He wrote that funny prom song for Not Another Teen Movie and encompasses multiple genres. The Postal Service is one of my favorite bands (they're on this list too- keep reading), so I was really excited by this cover.
The original- Such Great Heights
Written by Ben Gibbard and Jimmy Tamborello
Performed by THE POSTAL SERVICE, (2003)
THE ATARIS- The Boys of Summer (2003)
This a superior punk cover of an already good pop song from the 80's. I especially love how they add a modern twist by changing the band reference to "Black Flag"- it showed their influence, and I'm always down with that. When I love both versions, I have to put the song on the list.
The original- TheBoys of Summer
Written by Don Henley and Mike Campbell
Performed by DON HENLEY, 1984
INCUBUS- Turning Japanese (live shows)
Forget for a second that this song is most likely about rubbing one out. This is the complete opposite of The Ataris cover because in this case, I happen to think the original sucks, but I'm an Incubus fan and I really like a lot of their stuff. Another one of my criteria for a great cover is that it makes me look at a tune in a different way, and this version does. So, nice work there.
The original- Turning Japanese
Written and performed by THE VAPORS, (1980)
ORGY- Blue Monday (1998)
This one just kicks ass. It amps up New Order's 80's new wave-goth vibe just a little bit and takes it thatmuch over the edge.
The original- Blue Monday
Written by Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook, Stephen Morris and Gillian Gilbert
Performed by NEW ORDER, 1983
CAKE- I Will Survive (1996)
The original is already kind of cool because it's an anthem for women as well as gay men, but Cake played around with it and added their own spin. Also, they put in a bunch of swear words, and we all know how I'm totally against that.
The original- I Will Survive
Written by Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris
Performed by GLORIA GAYNOR, 1978
SID VICIOUS- My Way (1978)
I love the Sex Pistols. Not only are they an icon of punk, but they're also a marketing scheme that actually worked. Sid Vicious is a fucking nutcase, and his version of this Sinatra classic proves that. The dude can't sing at all, but that doesn't stop him.
There are two other noteworthy versions of this track. One is from the iconic punk film Sid & Nancy, with Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious. This can also be considered a great cover in its own right:
The other one is from the Buffy, the Vampire Slayer TV show, which ran my life while it was on the air. I was in love with the Spike character and in one of the episodes there's a short clip of him getting loaded and singing part of the Sid Vicious version of "My Way." It's pretty awesome. Unfortunately I couldn't find it online. Bitches.
The original English version- My Way
Translated by Paul Anka
Performed by FRANK SINATRA, (1969)
BOW WOW WOW-I Want Candy (1982)
I love this just because the song rocks. The girl is only 15, and you KNOW that's not a Snickers she's reaching for. Of course, the first time I heard this song I was like, four, so I head no idea and was like, "Ooh! Chocolate!" Kind of like the first time I heard "I Touch Myself" and I used to run around the house singing it. I was like seven years old or something so I didn't figure it out until much later, and then I was like, "EH???"
The original- I Want Candy
Written by Bert Berns, Bob Feldman, Jerry Goldstein and Richard Gottehrer
Performed by THE STRANGELOVES, 1965
THE RAMONES- Theme from Spiderman (1995)
This cover is awesome as fuck. It combines two of my greatest loves, the NYC 70's punk scene and comics, so of course this is making the list. The Ramones are an icon of music and Spiderman is one of my favorite characters, so when I first saw this video I got super excited. Mocking begins... NOW.
BTW, have you ever looked up "spiderman" on Urban Dictionary? It is fucking repulsive.
The original- Theme from Spiderman
Written by Paul Francis Webster and Robert Harris
Performed by various artists
FIONA APPLE- Across the Universe (1998)
Fiona Apple covered this song for the Pleasantville soundtrack, and it's a beautiful version that really frames the culmination of the movie if you listen to the lyrics. They could have gone with the original Beatles track, but without giving anything away if you haven't seen it, the fact that they got a newer artist to cover an older song really ties in with the plot. The whole thing works really well, and the film itself is worth watching, too.
The original- Across the Universe
Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Performed by THE BEATLES, (1969)
DEREK AND THE DOMINOS- Little Wing (1970)
Eric Clapton can do no wrong. That's all I have to say.
Except for that whole "drug addict deal." Yeah, that was a real kick in the ass.
The original- Little Wing
Written by Jimi Hendrix
Performed by THE JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE, 1967
OUR LADY PEACE- Tomorrow Never Knows (1996)
Admittedly, not a lot of impressive shit comes out of Canada- they are, after all, responsible for the apocalypse that is Justin Bieber. However, I do occasionally enjoy listening to Our Lady Peace, especially when they churn out lofty Beatles covers like this one. Even though this was released on the soundtrack to The Craft in 1996, there's just the right amount of modern psychedelia in there to keep the spirit of the 60's intact. Also, it kind of makes you feel like you just took a bunch of drugs. Word.
The original- Tomorrow Never Knows
Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Performed by THE BEATLES, 1966
THE WHO- Summertime Blues (1970)
This one is a famous re-do of a shitty 50's pop song, made incredible by one of my favorite bands of all time, who would later be massacred by Hilary Duff (ugh. More on that later). Just listen to both versions and note the differences.
The original- Summertime Blues
Written by Eddie Cochran and Johnny Capehart
Performed by EDDIE COCHRAN, 1958
VAN HALEN- You Really Got Me (1978)
Both of these versions are two of my favorite rock songs- each of them measures up to the other. As far as Van Halen goes, I lean more towards Hagar than Roth, but this track is easily in their top five.
The first time I heard the Van Halen version was in 1996 in an ad for Nissan. I didn't even know it was a cover, and then I discovered the Kinks version later. I honestly couldn't tell you which version I like better, although I do think the commercial is hysterical.
I don't think I need to reiterate what a huge fan I am of this band. I keep checking to see when they're playing live so I can sell myself for tickets (UPDATE- August 21st in LA!!!!!). They actually might be best known for their remakes of shitty 80's songs, but they're actually accomplished artists with their own catalog. It was tough to pick which of their covers I liked best, but "Major Tom" has a slight edge.
You've all seen the commercial for Lincoln, but I'll post it anyway:
If I hadn't known this was a Stones tune, I would have thought that The Sundays had penned it themselves. Harriet Wheeler's vocals are perfect- I actually like this one better than the original. I first heard The Sundays' adaptation during one of the best and most emotional episodes of Buffy, "The Prom." The placement was so amazing that again, it seemed like they wrote the song just for that scene. Now whenever I hear it, I get a little knotty inside. Before you make fun of me, check out the clip below.
Look at how perfect it was in the Buffy prom scene. Shut up! You would get it if you actually watched the show
religiously like I did.
The original- Wild Horses
Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
Performed by THE ROLLING STONES, 1971
THE BEATLES- Twist and Shout (1963)
This is another one that I didn't know was a cover until my mom told me it was. The Beatles version is much, MUCH better than the boring original.
The first time I heard "Twist and Shout" I was ten, and I was watching the parade scene in one of the most
incomparable movies ever made, Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I'm still jealous of the Ferris character because if I ever pulled any shit like that I would definitely get caught. Anyway, here's the song in one of the greatest movie scenes of all time.
The original- Twist and Shout
Written by Phil Medley and Bert Russell
Performed by TOP NOTES, 1962
FOO FIGHTERS- Blackbird (live performances)
I couldn't find a video of the whole performance, but I've seen Foo Fighters in concert five or six times already. I've seen Dave Grohl perform "Blackbird" on multiple occasions and it's always incredible.
The original- Blackbird
Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Performed by THE BEATLES, 1968
Also, here's a video that has nothing to do with Blackbird, but it's Dave Grohl, one of my musical idols, recreating Tiny Dancer, one of the most excellent songs of all time, from my favorite movie. A while ago I did a guest post for Allison at My Quarter-Life Crisis on the song that I feel most defines my life, and I so identify with this moment that I had to throw it in.
RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS- Higher Ground (1989)
I've loved Red Hot Chili Peppers for years because they've managed to shift genres so many times without selling out. This Stevie Wonder cover expertly brings in the funk. PS- Check out the last ten seconds.
The original- Higher Ground
Written and performed by STEVIE WONDER, 1973
GUNS N' ROSES- Live And Let Die (1991)
Don't have me killed for saying this, but I'm not a fan of Lennon or McCartney's solo stuff. This version is better
than McCartney's because it doesn't make me want to fall asleep, plus any song where I can listen to Slash bring it home works for me.
The original- Live and Let Die
Written by Paul McCartney and Linda McCartney
Performed by PAUL MCCARTNEY AND WINGS, 1973
STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN- Superstition (live performances)
This is another legendary remake of what was already a classic. After listening to them both several times to find
a good Youtube video I still don't know which one I like better.
The original- Superstition
Written and performed by STEVIE WONDER, 1972
SINEAD O'CONNOR- Nothing Compares 2 U (1990)
The first one doesn't even count. Even the video was an instant classic- it cleaned up at the VMA's. Play the whole
thing- Sinead's voice wrecks that shit.
The original- Nothing Compares 2 U
Written by Prince
Performed by THE FAMILY, 1985
THE CLASH- I Fought The Law (1979)
The Clash is my favorite band ever. When Joe Strummer died I was depressed for a week. When I remembered that they covered "I Fought The Law" I was ecstatic that I had an excuse just to put them on this list. I got lucky that it happened to be a stellar rendition of a song that blew in the first place- The Clash changed the whole meaning and what it stood for. To this day it remains one of their best.
The original- I Fought The Law
Written by Sonny Curtis
Performed by SONNY CURTIS AND THE CRICKETS, 1959
THE POSTAL SERVICE- Against All Odds (2004)
This one is how I stumbled across The Postal Service- I used to work for a guy that loved them and he played me their cover of this Phil Collins song. It had just come out at the time as part of the soundtrack to Wicker Park, and the electronic effects completely changed the dynamic and made the tune creepy and surreal. It actually made me NOT want Josh Hartnett to wait for me naked in my shower, and that's saying a lot.
BTW, the New York Post agrees with me- this made their list of the best cover songs of all time.
The original- Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)
Written and performed by PHIL COLLINS, 1984
IKE & TINA TURNER- Proud Mary (1971)
I don't like Tina Turner's music at all, but I have to give it to this one. Ike used to regularly beat the shit out of her, and let's compare the spiral of their careers. And we're done.
Tina's version is radically different than Creedence Clearwater Revival's, but hers is probably better known, and is now used as a feminine anthem. It was also covered on Glee. Sorry, CCR- you've been booted.
Also, I have to give props to Tina- she's like 70 and her body is better than mine. I hope I look like that when I'm old. Only I won't be black.
The original- Proud Mary
Written by John Fogerty
Performed by CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL, 1969
FAITH NO MORE- Easy (1993); War Pigs (1989)
Yeah, I'm cheating, but I couldn't leave out either of these. "Easy" shows off Mike Patton's vocal skills while adding a blend of rock to The Commodores' original R&B. Meanwhile, their "War Pigs" cover sounds so much like Black Sabbath that it's almost uncanny. Check out both links and judge for yourself.
Easy:
The original- Easy
Written by Lionel Richie
Performed by THE COMMODORES, 1977
War Pigs:
The original- War Pigs
Written by Tony Iommi, Ozzy Osbourne, Geezer Butler and Bill Ward
Performed by BLACK SABBATH, 1970
THE BANGLES- Hazy Shade of Winter (1987)
Fun (or irrelevant) fact about me: The Bangles were the the first band I ever saw live, when I was three, unless you count Raffi (please don't). I still think they rock because they were an all-girl band that didn't dance around in bikinis and played their own instruments and wrote their own songs.
If you watch the Simon & Garfunkel video, it's really fucking boring. The Bangles revved it up with pop-rock guitars and cymbals and shit like that. When you're a kid, that's about as kick-ass as it gets. All my babysitters in the 80's wanted to be them.
The original- A Hazy Shade of Winter
Written by Paul Simon
Performed by SIMON & GARFUNKEL, 1966
PEARL JAM- Love, Reign O'er Me (2007)
Pearl Jam performed this during VH1 Rock Honors, which I cancelled plans to watch (I'm a loser). Their cover is unbelievable- it sounds just like The Who. I'm very reluctant about Who covers but this definitely does the band justice.
The original- Love, Reign O'er Me
Written by Pete Townshend
Performed by THE WHO, 1973
SMASHING PUMPKINS- Landslide (1994)
Maybe this version is so good because Billy Corgan sounds a lot like Stevie Nicks. I don't know if that's a compliment or not. Anyway, when someone mentions "Landslide" covers it's usually that horrible Dixie Chicks abortion, but this one is clearly the more appropriate choice. The Dixie Chicks eat ass.
The original- Landslide
Written by Stevie Nicks
Performed by FLEETWOOD MAC, 1975
TALKING HEADS- Take Me to the River (1978)
The Talking Heads have become a symbol of punk rock, and this is one of the reasons that their version of "Take Me to the River" holds up just as well as the original. I happen to be more partial to this one, but that's because I grew up listening to Talking Heads.
Try to forget about that stupid singing fish when you listen to this.
The original- Take Me to the River
Written by Al Green and Mabon "Teenie" Hodges
Performed by AL GREEN, 1974
JEFF BUCKLEY- Hallelujah (1994)
I know this is almost a cop-out considering that this has been redone 17 kajillion times, but when a remake compels me to download the original, it needs to go on a list. Also, this song closed out the night during my recent Massachusetts trip, so I'll always think about Ginntastic and the rest of my Boston crew whenever I hear it.
The original- Hallelujah
Written and performed by LEONARD COHEN, 1984
JANIS JOPLIN- Piece of My Heart (1968)
This is another case where the teacher has been eclipsed by the student. I thought this was a Janis Joplin piece until I had to look up the 10 worst covers (see below) and found out that she took it from somebody else. There's a clear winner here, and it's not Erma Franklin. This is now Janis Joplin's song. Sorry. FAIL.
The original- Piece of My Heart
Written by Bert Berns, Jerry Ragovoy
Performed by ERMA FRANKLIN, 1967
ERIC CLAPTON- Cocaine (1977)
Eric Clapton is one of the greatest guitar players to ever walk on this Earth. The fact that he's probably done
enough of the substance in the title track to kill a baby elephant just makes his version even more relevant (seriously, how is this guy still alive?). Even if you're not a musician yourself you have to appreciate his stunning talent.
The original- Cocaine
Written and performed by JJ CALE, 1976
RADIOHEAD feat. SPARKLEHORSE- Wish You Were Here (2009)
I would push any one of you into a flaming cesspool of urine for Radiohead tickets. Considering Thom Yorke could release an entire LP of dogs shitting and I would buy it sight unseen, this was going to go on the list anyway. Luckily for me, it's actually an excellent cover.
The original- Wish You Were Here
Written by Roger Waters and David Gilmour
Performed by PINK FLOYD, 1975
TODD RUNDGREN- While My Guitar Gently Weeps (2004)
My dad is a huge George Harrison fan and this might be his favorite Beatles song. When I told him my music
column this month was about cover songs, he asked me to put this one on the list. I would have done it for him anyway, but check this video out. Todd Rundgren absolutely fucking nails the guitar solo. I mean NAILS it. The vocals sound similar, too- if you look away from the screen you'll swear you're actually listening to The Beatles.
I make fun of him all the time, but my dad actually used to be pretty cool. Believe it or not, he used to shred with the best of them, before he got really old and started doing finance shit. I think he still picks up the axe sometimes, when he assumes that I'm not looking.
The original- While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Written by George Harrison
Performed by THE BEATLES, 1968
JEFF BECK & ROD STEWART- People Get Ready (1985)
This song has been covered so many times that I almost don't want to put it on the list, but Jeff Beck is a guitar prodigy that didn't even read music. The solo in this piece alone is worth the inclusion. Also, say what you will about Rod Stewart's music blowing goats (I have proof), but when he and Beck were with Faces, it was the best work of his career, and this reminded us of what could have been. Too bad they want to murder each other.
The original- People Get Ready
Written by Curtis Mayfield
Performed by THE IMPRESSIONS, 1965
JOHNNY CASH- Hurt (2003)
I actually saw Nine Inch Nails perform this live, and their version is pretty outstanding in itself. That being said, even Trent Reznor admits that Cash's version is better. I even heard that Nine Inch Nails don't like to perform it anymore. Reznor's been quoted as saying that he wrote it, but Cash has lived it. It's true, and you can hear it in Cash's vocals. I don't know anyone who doesn't like this version. I love it, and I detest country music.
The original- Hurt
Written by Trent Reznor
Performed by NINE INCH NAILS, 1994
SOCIAL DISTORTION- Ring Of Fire (1990)
Here it is. My absolute favorite cover EVER. Before you give me any shit (like, "are you high? You have Hendrix, Clapton and The Beatles on this list."), first of all, I have to say, Fuck You. This is my list, and if you have a problem, make your own. Second- no, I'm not high, but if you are, and you're not sharing, you're obviously not a loyal follower and get the hell away from my blog.
Third- I grew up listening to grunge and SoCal punk. Social Distortion has been heavy in my rotation for at least the last fifteen years. They're on tour right now and I'm heartbroken because they're not coming anywhere near the LA area. But ANYWAY. Social D has managed to take a lauded country song (which even I have to admit isn't that bad) and completely switch it up. There's a wall of guitars and heavy drums and it's all-around bad-ass. Mike Ness screams a lot and sounds really angry. This came out in 1990 and I still listen to it at least twice a week. On the off chance that anyone from Social Distortion's camp finds this blog, please, PLEASE come to LA. I'll clean your trailers for tickets.
The original- Ring of Fire
Written by June Carter and Merle Kilgore
Performed by ANITA CARTER, 1963
The Greatest Cover Artist Of All Time: JIMI HENDRIX
I couldn't pick which of Jimi Hendrix's covers should go in the number one spot, so I just made the list without him and gave him his own category. While he had a bunch of hits on his own, Hendrix could also have built a solid career on his cover acts alone. His first single, "Hey Joe," was originally done by The Leaves in 1965, but honestly, does anyone really care about their version? He followed that one up with one of his most famous tracks, "All Along the Watchtower," which was a Dylan cover. He did another Dylan hit, "Like A Rolling Stone" (one of my personal favorites, if you care) at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967.
After going through my entire list, I've decided that the most prevalent cover, not just from Hendrix but from anyone, is his cover of the Star-Spangled Banner that he used to close out Woodstock and define an entire generation. Both my parents still talk about it like it was the second coming of Jesus. I give them a lot shit, but it's probably because I'm bitter that I was born way too late to have been there.
There's my Top 40. And, just to stay with the spirit of my cynicism, here are some truly awful ones:
FAITH HILL- Piece Of My Heart
Here's an amazing classic song once again ruined by genre and lesser talent. Janis Joplin's vocal styling is so distinguishable that Faith Hill has no business coming in and messing it all up with her stupid country shit and making it all sweet. Congratulations on getting one of my Top 40 Best into my Top 10 Worst, Faith Hill!
The Janis Joplin version- Piece Of My Heart
Written by Bert Berns and Jerry Ragovoy
Performed by JANIS JOPLIN
See the Top 40 Greatest Covers for the Janis Joplin version.
COUNTING CROWS & VANESSA CARLTON- Big Yellow Taxi (2002)
I'm not really a Joni Mitchell fan, but I will say that she's a tremendous songwriter and I have great respect for
her work. I grew up listening to my mom sing along to her CD's, so shit like this pains me. What makes this even worse is that I can't stand Vanessa Carlton, so I have to hear her butcher a huge chunk of my childhood.
The original- Big Yellow Taxi
Written and performed by JONI MITCHELL, 1970
BONO & ABUNCH OF ANNOYING CELEBRITIES- What's Going On (2001)
Remember this one? This came out right after September 11th and featured a bunch of irritating famous people singing along to one of the greatest R&B tracks ever recorded. Of course it was produced by Bono, who'll jump at any chance to shove his "charitable efforts" down the public's throats. The obnoxious video featured all the celebrities with blindfolds on- if you ask me (which you kind of did, since you're still reading), those cloths covered the wrong facial feature.
The kicker was that this was supposed to be for AIDS awareness, but proceeds eventually went to a September 11th charity too. Before you all get on my ass about hating something that was for a good cause, I'm only pissed off that they ruined the song and that Bono is playing Jesus again. Can't you ever just donate money anonymously or something? Jerkoff.
The original- What's Going On
Written by Renaldo "Obie" Benson, Al Cleveland and Marvin Gaye
Performed by MARVIN GAYE, 1971
311- Lovesong (2004)
This pissed me off bigtime when it came out because not only was the cover really shitty, but the movie it was featured in sucked balls, too, which made this version even worse. I've always hated 311 and loved The Cure, so I was really mad about this one.
The original- Lovesong
Written by Robert Smith
Performed by THE CURE, 1989
BRITNEY SPEARS- (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction (2000)
The most offensive part about this cover is that Keith Richards actually liked it. Then again, he's perpetually stoned, so he could have been played a recording of pigeons vomiting and it would have had the same effect.
The original- (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
Performed by THE ROLLING STONES, 1965
CELINE DION & ANASTACIA- You Shook Me All Night Long (2002)
The only reason this isn't lower down on the list is because the dancing and air guitar are fucking hilarious. The only person less bad-ass than Celine Dion is the toddler that lives down the hall from me.
The original- You Shook Me All Night Long
Written by Angus Young, Malcolm Young and Brian Johnson
Performed by AC/DC, 1980
LIMP BIZKIT- Behind Blue Eyes (2003)
If I ever made a wishlist of people to kill, Fred Durst would be on it. I hate, hate, HATE Limp Bizkit. The Who is one of my favorite bands of all time and Fred Durst is destroying this song. It sounds like there's a hamster in his throat trying to claw its way out. I can't even listen to this. It gets me way too angry.
Now, I'm not saying I would push Fred Durst towards the speeding truck. I'm just saying that maybe I wouldn't warn him that it was coming.
The original- Behind Blue Eyes
Written by Pete Townshend
Performed by THE WHO, 1971
SHERYL CROW- Sweet Child o' Mine (1999)
There is nothing worse than taking a classic, instantly recognizable guitar riff and turning it into cheesy pop. Sheryl Crow manages to take all that is holy and awesome about this song and transform it into evil. No, Sheryl Crow, NO.
The original- Sweet Child o' Mine (1988)
Written by Axl Rose, Slash and Izzy Stradlin
Performed by GUNS N' ROSES
AVRIL LAVIGNE- Imagine (2007)
Avril Lavigne loves to pretend she's all hard and shit and then threatens to "crash the mall" (ooh... bad-ass). Then she goes and pulls crap like this. I'm confused. That's not how this works. I don't like this at all.
The original- Imagine
Written and performed by JOHN LENNON, 1971
HILARY DUFF- My Generation (2004)
What the FUCK? This is really happening. I can't even believe this. This is the most horrible thing I have ever seen. Please get this away from me.
SAVE YOURSELF:
The original- My Generation
Written by Pete Townshend
Performed by THE WHO, 1965
I have a bunch more, but this post is going on 2 days and I'm starting to cramp. I'm also stumped as to the topic of next month's column, so I'm taking suggestions. Shoot me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com or leave me a comment.
