Minority Report

I know I'm late on my Dead Space analysis. My New York move finally came through, so I'm just now settling in. I'll get to it sometime before Season 3.2. Or, before they kill off another minority.

So, yeah, about that: I'm finally a New Yorker again. I'm crashing at my brothers' place in Brooklyn until I figure out exactly where it is I'm going with my life, but hey: at least I'm here. I hadn't even left the terminal at LAX before I updated my Current City on Facebook, to which Penny Lane responded,

I love how you wasted no time changing your city to New York, NY.

Fuckin' A, I did. Peace out, LA.

I did, in fact, manage to find some incredible girlfriends there, which in Los Angeles is more arduous a task than locating a pair of real jugs, and of course all of this happened after I had already booked my flight because the Irony Fairy is real. My last night in LA was spent at my friend's acoustic singer-songwriter performance, where I was serenaded and may or may not have actually cried a little (guess which one). All my girls came out to see me off and Kitty knitted me a scarf, which I then slept in because we're practically lesbians. Then we all drank some wine and cried a lot, and I got on the plane.

PS- everyone leave comments about how amazing the scarf is, because I want Kitty to go into business with this. Maybe if enough people love it she'll actually listen to me.

The plane ride was relatively uneventful- no Quadrant of Crying Babies (which sounds like it could be the next title in the Song of Ice and Fire series), although there was an old dude snoring behind me for a good three hours. There was an also an unbelievably magnificent guy two rows in front of me- he looked like Baby Goose if he hadn't slept or showered in a week. I wanted to kidnap him and make him read me the dictionary all day. You know, after the dirty stuff. He was no question my future second husband, so of course all I did was stare at the back of his head and leave without saying anything. Dying alone, 100%.

My first weekend in New York has been spent with my family, due to the fact that last night began Chanukkah in the Nugs house. I did have a gift for my brothers, and while they were certainly very appreciative, they felt no Jewish guilt whatsoever in the fact that they got me (and the rest of my family) absolutely jack shit. Whatever, yo. We're all poor. I also sent Ginny's cats a Christmas gift, and apparently, it made them so high that they turned on each other and one kicked the other in the face. You can get a glimpse of all the carnage here. 'Merica.

He's also a little molester. It's true. He grabbed my boob once in my sleep.

Of course, to acknowledge Chanukkah, a major Jewish holiday, I visited the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center because that's an awesome way to ignore my cultural heritage. Holiday season in New York, while freezing my proverbial balls off, is the optimum time to visit the City because it's one of the things that we're famous for- in addition to the Tree, we have the Skating Rink, the Rockettes, the store windows, Macy's- I won't even go on because I've already posted about this, so you can read all about it here. Times Square, on the other hand, doesn't count because no genuine New Yorker gives a fuck about Times Square.

I did, however, receive a couple of gifts to commemorate the holiday. I've been wearing out the aforementioned scarf from Kitty, and I've been really tempted to tell people I made it myself because I've gotten a ton of compliments on it and I have no real discernable talents of my own.

Also, almost as cool, I've been granted the Liebster Award from Christopher at Mixed Drinks & Mixed Feelings! It's been awhile since I've won an award for blogging, so this is pretty great. He also handed this out to my friends (and fellow New Yorkers) Penny Lane and Natalie Paige, so that makes it even better.

Basically, the Liebster Award is given to blogs you think deserve recognition- those with less than 200 followers. You then post 11 random things about yourself, answer 11 questions from the person who gave you the award, make up 11 questions of your own, and bestow the Liebster on 11 unlucky victims of your choosing. So here are my 11 facts:

The one thing about myself that I absolutely hate is my middle name. It totally doesn't fit the rest of my personality and I will never tell anyone what it is. So don't bother asking. Not even with tequila.

I was at the top of my class in first grade. The first time I got a B, I cried.

My first childhood crush was Lion-O from Thundercats. I was four.

I have never broken a bone or sprained anything. This is a total miracle because I'm always tripping over my own feet or falling all over myself.

I have one published piece of writing; it's a poem that's in an eighth-grade textbook.

I have never eaten Nutella. 

The first concert I ever saw was the Bangles. I was really young, probably around three.

My family's heritage is about 70% Russian, yet I've never been there and can't speak the language.

I have no tattoos and no piercings, due to the fact that I am terrified of needles.

I went blond once; for my junior prom. It was not a good look.

My mom makes the best mashed potatoes in the world. Ever. No arguments.

QUESTIONS FROM CHRISTOPHER:

1) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Oh god. This is like Sophie's Choice, only less depressing and horrible. I'll spare you all the analysis of every single superpower of every character in the DC and Marvel universes (univi?) and just go with Genius Billionaire Playgirl Philanthropist.

2) If you had to move away from where you live, where would you like to move?

Um, already done. See: entire post.

3) If you could see any five bands in concert (past or present), who would they be?

Can I pick Radiohead again? Yes, because it's my blog and whatever I say goes. Besides them (another four times): Led Zeppelin, The Black Keys, Beastie Boys and Daft Punk.

4) You get to spend a week with a celebrity of your choice; who is it?

I think we all know this one. If I mention his name one more time I'm going to come up on police reports.

5) You have unlimited funding for a day; what would you do?

First I would give a million dollars each to my friends and immediate family members. Then I would bank a few mil in savings and never touch it again. Then I would invest in a private island with my own litter of adorable puppies, and purchase a jet to take me there whenever I wanted. Then I would fire the owner of the Mets and the Jets because I can do a better job than both of those clowns. Then I would buy the NHL and get the season started again because SERIOUSLY???? COME ON!

Then I would buy Baby Goose. Because why the fuck not?

6) If you could have any restaurant located IN your house, what would it be?

Ray's Pizza. YES.

7) Favorite superhero?

Second childhood crush: Superman. Faster than a speeding bullet, if you get what I'm sayin.

8) What was your very first blog about?

This is my first blog. Winner and still champion.

9) Drink of choice?

Alcoholic? Anything with vodka. Non-alcoholic? Chocolate milk. I'm an eight-year-old.

10) Biggest pet peeve?

People with bad grammar, especially when they mess up their homophones. Ugh, HATE.

11) How many awards have you gotten (blogging or otherwise)?

This brings the Blogging Awards total to eight. I also won some community awards as a kid, but I can't remember them because that was like eleventy billion years ago.

11 POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS:

Allison @ My Quarter-life Crisis

Bobby@ BooyaBobby

Erin@ The Post Modern Talko

Gina @ The Hitchhiker's Guide Through Insanity

(Different) Gina @ This Is Not Your Blog

Ginny@ Ginny in Boston

Jorge @ Every -ist and Every -ism

Lily @ Is It Too Early For a Martini?

Rio @ Good Music, Bad Math

Tabs @ I Am, Therefore I Do

Tits @ Dancing on the Bar of Life

11 OBLIGATORY QUESTIONS: (Meaning please validate me)

1) If you could only eat one kind of chocolate forever, which type of chocolate would it be?

2) If you could have one celebrity for your "Cheat List," who would it be?

3) What is the one habit you have that you really wish you could break? For example, I swear like a sailor on leave and I know how incredibly not attractive it is, but I really can't help it.

4) What is your favorite condiment? (CondimENT. You little perverts.)

5) What's your one vice? (Alcohol, cigarettes, New Jersey...)

6) Who is the family member you're the closest to?

7) Pick one: Pizza, bagels, hot dogs or pretzels?

8) What, in your opinion, is the most quotable movie of all time?

9) I like that favorite superpower question. Let's go with that.

10) Besides Brooklyn (obviously), what is your favorite type of accent?

11) Describe the perfect zombie apocalypse. And make it sexy.

I like that Blogging Awards are once again a Thing, especially because I've been given one. You don't have to do this, but if you don't, I'll be sad, and that does mean more puppy pictures, so it's really your call.

                        I am not above bribery, FYI.

Happy Chanukkah everyone!

Nugs and Tits Do Thanksgiving (Hahaha. "Do.")

For those of you who are living in 1) a foreign country B) outer space or COPERNICUS) anywhere else I forgot, it's Thanksgiving weekend in the US. Normally I would commemorate this event with a post but I stupidly agreed to cook and bake this year, so I've been running around like a ferret on speed for the past 48 hours and forgot to write one.

Luckily I have two blogs, and over on Snark and Sex, Coyote Tits took the Thanksgiving reins (oh haaaai) and put up a blog entry dictating how to survive the holiday at your significant other's house. Since I contributed to a good third of that, the work was pretty much done for me and I just decided to post our joint effort here as well. Plus this gives me another chance to shamelessly promote myself, so there's that.

Whether you're spending this Thanksgiving alone and depressed, or you're with your date's family and depressed, or with your own family and depressed, here's mine and Tits' sacred manual of rules on how to withstand the holidays.

PS- there's a drinking game! You're welcome.

Tits' genius advice is in blue; my infinite wisdom is in red.

1. Do Not bring your dog. I don't care how cute Precious is and that she's normally so well-behaved and fits in your purse. Don't do it. Especially if they are Tits' dogs (below). She likes to think she's an awesome mom but it's really because she lets them get away with fucking murder because they're so adorable and she's a pushover.





As cute as they are, remember that they will hog all the food and/or attention.

2. Do Not wear sweat pants, Ugg boots and an old tank top. At least try to look like you are making an effort.


3. Do Not complain about the food. I don't care if it doesn't taste like your grandma's mashed potatoes, and so what that they have oysters at their dinner. Keep your bitching to yourself.


4. If you have a food allergy tell someone in advance. My sisters are lactose intolerant and so we tell everyone like 20 times in advance or bring our own food. Don't show up and be like "yeah I'm gluten free, vegan and allergic to garlic."


5. Do Not try to have sex at their house. Can you spell awkward? Nugs: That never happened to me that one time in college or anything. 


6. Do Not flirt with someone who isn't your date. I don't care if his older brother is Brad fucking Pitt, wait till after Thanksgiving to flirt with him. Nugs: Unless said brother is Baby Goose. Then all bets are totally off, and no one would blame you. Especially me.





7. Do Not get drunk - Even if the family makes you fucking insane, try to limit yourself to enough wine to just get you tipsy.


8. Do Not smoke. Anything. Even if offered. This is clearly a trick. Again, this never happened to me, ever.


9. Do Not bring up taboo topics. Find out what they are in advance and avoid them at all costs. Whether this be religion, politics, cats vs. dogs, Dancing With the Stars or the New York Yankees a.k.a. the Evil Empire, learn what gets your date's family all wonky and DO NOT DISCUSS.


10. Do know how to dress. CANNOT BE STRESSED ENOUGH. I don't care if your "best feature" is your amazing rack; it's probably not the best idea to shove it in his parents' face. Usually a nice pair of jeans and a dressy top that doesn't put the goods on display is your best bet. Unless, of course, his brother is Baby Goose. See Rule #6.


11. Do know how to win over every family member individually. While this may seem like the ultimate in horrific situations, don't commit suicide just yet. Basically the key to mastering this art is what I (and the US Army) refer to as "Divide and Conquer:"

THE MOM: This is the most difficult, since showing up at her Thanksgiving feast is an admission that you're being railed on the regular by her baby boy (doesn't matter what his birth order is; he will ALWAYS be her baby boy). The trick to winning over his mother is to go on and on about how amazing her son is (not in that way, because GROSS). Also offer to help out during dinner as often as you can, especially with dishes. Getting his mom to love you is by far the most important because if she hates you, it only goes downhill from there. Seriously, I've been there with a mom hating me. I always like to volunteer to bring something like cookies or wine.

THE DAD: The males of the family are always easier for me, probably because I'm half a dude myself and I realize now how weird that made me sound. The best strategy for the father is innocent flirting- "oh, Mr. Gosling, I see where your son gets his great ass. Eyes! I meant eyes." Just kidding. Never talk about anyone's ass. Keep it to neutral topics such as intelligence and snappy dressing, or radiation levels.

If this is any of his relatives let me know. I'll be right over.

SIBLINGS: Dealing with siblings is usually more manageable due to the fact that your date will probably brief you on the situation prior to your arrival. If one of their brothers or sisters is exceptionally unbearable you'll most likely have been prepared for it way in advance. For the regular, more normal siblings, mastering them should be relatively (see what I did there?) more simple: 

• BROTHERS: Brothers are pretty painless- just sit down in front of the TV and watch the football game with them. If you're a fan, don't hold back with the commentary. If you're not, let them know that you're "trying to get into it." Also, it helps if you're moderately attractive. Just sayin. 
• SISTERS: Contrary to what my scintillating personality may have you believing, I am, in fact, of the feminine persuasion, so I am aware that the best way to charm a woman is to let her talk about herself. Find out from your date what she's into and ask her questions, and let her dominate the conversation. You're in.

12. Do use this handy guide from HappyPlace.com with your own family. You'll thank us later.

Good luck with whatever you're dragged to this holiday season, and remember that I'm always thankful for all of you. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and I mean that in every possible way.

NIPOCALYPSE NOW!

This weekend I was sitting on Mandy Moore's couch giving a makeover to Yvonne Lehead when I got a text from Sara Nips (there are so many sexy things about that sentence). The entire Nip Clique has been super excited for her upcoming Vegas honeymoon because let's be honest, The Hangover has nothing on our more-than-slight homoeroticism.

Even though we're spread (haha. "Spread") all over the country, with two of us on other continents, most of us are East Coast based, so imagine, if you're not too afraid, the reaction that Mandy and I had when Nips shot me a sext announcing that Andy was thinking of changing their honeymoon destination to my hometown of New York City.

After we had finished "Squee-ing" and cavorting around in heterosexual matrimony, Mandy and I pulled ourselves together and concocted a plan to get Nips over to our side of the flag. Apparently she didn't need that much convincing because her next message was a request for a list of fun stuff to do in New York to help sway Andy over to the Dark Side (join us! We have roofies).

I of course immediately agreed to this because A) making lists and spreadsheets and color coding shit is like having sex to me and B) anything that lures Sara Nips into my dungeon bathtub ninja lair automatically equals WIN.

I sent her like a three-page email of the REAL New York City, color coded by section with links to the most important food, music, bars and classic sights. Apparently this made her day because not only did Nips forward this to all our friends, but posted quotes from the email on Facebook. Later I was told that my "real" NYC guidebook was hilarious, so for all of you who are planing a trip here, I decided to help you out and post it for you.

So here's how to do New York City on a bargain, the RIGHT way, without coming across as a desperate tourist or angry foreigner. Frommers, you are officially my bitch.

My email to Sara Nips is below:


Yay! You're coming to NY! (Please???)

Anyway, it was a total mistake to ask me to email you fun stuff to do because this is now a project for me. I'm color coding and organizing this shit.

PS- I didn't even have to look this stuff up. I JUST KNEW. OH HAAAAI.

PART 1: FOOD

I understand that since you guys are coming from Louisiana I have a lot to live up to, but NYC has some of the most amazing food in the world. 

PIZZA:

Before you attempt New York pizza eating, I must teach you the art:

1) It must be thin crust- none of this deep dish bullshit. Seriously, what the hell is that?

2) It must be a little heavier on the cheese- just enough to be heavy, yet not "extra."

3) Toppings are not acceptable. The only ones that are are extra sauce, extra cheese, and pepperoni, since at this point it's considered a classic. 

4) It must be extra drippy with the oil (I call this "Joker Mouth").

Why so delicious???

If you must get rid of the excess, you may tilt the pizza at an angle, but under no circumstances may you wipe the oil off with a napkin, ESPECIALLY if you are a dude. Any guy that does this must immediately have his balls removed and be forced to wear a dress, with a big, red letter "P" pinned to his chest.

Now that you've got that down, here are the best pizza places in the City. Basically anywhere you go for pizza in New York is going to be better than 90% of the country, but these are the standouts:

Ray's- There's only one ORIGINAL original, and it's on West 11th and Sixth Avenue. All other Ray's are cheap imitations. This is not only the greatest pizza, but the greatest food you will ever eat in your life. I took Rish and Nicole here, and they nicknamed it "sex pizza."

Rosario's- God, this pizza is amazing. The best part is is that this is right across from Arlene's Grocery so I constantly eat this before work. 

I HEAR YOU JUDGING ME!

2 Bro's- These are all over Manhattan- I think there are like six of them. It's really good, and one slice is only 99 cents. Two slices and a drink are $2.75. Oh yeah.

You guys might also like Two Boots- it's cajun-style. There's one in Grand Central, although I wouldn't recommend buying any food there, since the prices are basically as much as your plane tickets, one in each of the "Villages," and one in Hell's Kitchen.

FOOD GROUPS:

New York City has different food groups than the rest of us: pizza, bagels, hot dogs and pretzels. The best bagels in the City are at Tal Bagels- there are a bunch of them, but the one you want is on 86th and 1st. In the winter they warm them up for you.

There are two kinds of famous hot dogs in NYC- Gray's Papaya (although the fries aren't that great) and Sabrett's, which are the original "dirty water dogs" that everyone and their cat knows about. Bonus- most Gray's are open 24 HOURS.

Pretzels can be found at every single corner in Manhattan, and they're usually huge.

Secondary food groups:

Garlic Knots: The best garlic knots are at this place that I can't remember the name of on Houston, but they are mouth-watering. 

Black and White Cookies: These taste like cake, and they are fucking delicious. The best ones are at Russian bakeries in Canarsie in Brooklyn. In fact, just let me buy these for you. I know what's up.

Falafel: just walk around and you'll find falafel carts. 

Cheesecake: New York City cheesecake is like a new religion. The best one is just straight up plain, and it can be found at Junior's at 1515 Broadway. The original is at Flatbush and DeKalb in Brooklyn.

PS- DO NOT go to Lindy's for your cheesecake. They may be famous, but they cost WAY too much money and the cake tastes lemony. FAIL.

RESTAURANTS:

Most restaurants in New York are ridiculously overpriced and you'll hate yourself for spending so much money, but I'll recommend some anyway, because hey, they don't cost nearly as much as your wedding right? Right? Oy.

The best deli of all time is Katz's Deli in the East Village. The sandwiches cost eleventy million dollars and they only take cash, but GOOD GOD are they ridiculous. Also take a picture of yourselves standing under the Katz's Deli sign because you have to.

Magniolia Bakery is actually really cheap and just check out the shit they have. If they delivered I would never leave the house, honestly. There are a whole bunch of them but I like the one on 59th Street right by the subway best.

Cafeteria- This is open 24 hours a day and is set up to look like a high school lunchroom (um, hence the clever name). The macaroni and cheese at this place should be illegal. If someone told me it had crack in it, I'd be like, "Yup. Makes sense." It's on 17th and 7th Avenue.

FYI- All I did was type "Cafeteria" into Google and the restaurant came up. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!!!

PS- the waiters are REALLY cute but also totally gay, so everyone wins. They also have melty chocolate cake, so say goodbye to my thighs.

Eatery- I always get the Watermelon Martini and the Mac and Cheese. Also, once my friend had to be lookout while two people we didn't know totally boned in the bathroom. Good times. It's in Midtown on 9th Avenue.

If you want Chinese food, I like Pig Heaven. It's somewhere in the low 80's on 2nd Avenue. All the chicken dishes are excellent.

If you want something cheaper, you could go for Ollie's. It's sort of Chinese fast food, but still pretty decent. The best one is in the 60's near Lincoln Center.

PART 2: MUSIC

My favorite part! Depending on when you come, I may have a whole bunch of shows going on, so I'll be able to treat you guys to to some free live music (I hope you don't expect to pay for any events that I might be hosting while you're out here, because that's adorable). I have a tour coming through in October, and there's also a huge indie music festival called CMJ that covers every music venue in Manhattan. Anyway, here are some awesome venues I can take you to:

EAST VILLAGE: 

Arlene's Grocery

Fontana's

The Continental (check out their drink prices)

Mercury Lounge

Piano's 

The Living Room

Cake Shop

WEST VILLAGE:

Sullivan Hall

The Bitter End

Le Poisson Rouge

Wicked Willy's

The Red Lion

Kenny's Castaways

The Village Lantern

BROOKLYN:

Glasslands

The Bell House

Public Assembly

Union Hall

Union Pool

The Rock Shop

Brooklyn Bowl (A bowling alley that also has INSANE fried chicken)

Trash Bar

Southpaw

Sorry, I'll stop.

PART 3: BARS/CLUBS

I'm not a big fan of clubs AT ALL. I'm too impatient and too broke to stand in line for half an hour to spend 20 dollars on drinks. However, if you must, the ones on 27th/28th street are somewhat decent.

Le Souk at LaGuardia Place is kind of fun on Sundays and Mondays, too.

Bars are better. There are a ton all over the city that you can just walk into just from being out on the street. Actually, I should hook you up with my friend who guest bartends and he can send you a whole list of shit.

There are some I can definitely recommend, though:

Lansdowne Road is pretty cool. It's a sports bar in Hells Kitchen (10th Avenue) and it's around a whole bunch of cool stuff.

The Gael Pub has trivia night every Tuesday. Nerdy guys are hot. Oh, wait- you'll be married by then. But I won't be! It's on 83rd and Third Ave.

Pravda is super expensive but the martinis are amazing. It's near the Meatpacking District, near some other wallet-raping places, where you can make fun of the sorority skanks that fall all over each other like baby deer because they haven't figured out how to drink yet. 

PART 4: STAPLES

You have to go to Times Square. Stay away from the chain restaurants and stores because they're stupidly overpriced and you can probably get them in Louisiana, but just walk through it once so you can say that you did. 


You SHOULD check out:

The Wax Museum (which I will not go into with you because I'm afraid of it)

It rubs the lotion on its skin...

Ripley's Believe It Or Not
Sephora (it's HUGE. I can never just walk away.)

All the cheap-ass souvenir stores

Also go to 5th Avenue and Madison Avenue just so you can say that you were there. Don't buy anything because they fuck you hard and don't even make you a sandwich afterwards or tell you you're pretty.

The gigantic FAO Schwarz has a big clock (I said CLOCK!!!) that sings and is kind of creepy, but is totally awesome anyway. It's on 58th street and 6th Avenue. It's the one from the movie Big where they're dancing on the piano.

 

Go to Yankee Stadium and Madison Square Garden. Also, if you feel you must, go to CitiField where my beloved Mets play. The 7 train is the only train that goes to Citifield from Manhattan because no one else cares about the Mets, sadly. The Yankees Clubhouse store is in Times Square, on 42nd Street between 7th and 8th Ave.

Go to the Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building and the Statue of Liberty, of course.

Get a Metrocard and ride the subway. 

St. Mark's is the best street in New York City. It's on the Lower East Side (8th Street from 3rd Ave to Avenue A) and has awesome record stores, St. Mark's Hotel and St. Mark's Comics. I can't even mention everything cool that ever happened here, so just look at the Wiki page and judge for yourself. PS- I also took Nicole here and we found wings at 3am. WINGS! AT 3 AM!

Go to Grand Central during rush hour and laugh at the butt-pucker.

PART 5: CHEAP SHIT/BARGAINS

The NY Pass is really cheap- about 60 bucks- and it gets you into a bunch of the main NYC attractions (Times Square, Statue of Liberty, etc). No strip clubs, though, sorry. :(

20at20 is where you can sign up for certain Off-Broadway plays for only 20 bucks. It's not going on right now but it may come back in the Fall. I saw like, 11 of them a few years ago.

Walking- seriously- I walk EVERYWHERE in New York. It's the best way to see stuff and you meet the most insane people. Plus your legs will look fucking fantastic. Here's a site to get you started, but you also have Central Park, Bryant Park (where the Project Runway fashion show is), Washington Square Park in the West Village (the "Dog Park!" It's adorable!) and multiple other walking paths.

All those food carts that I mentioned above. Seriously some of the biggest excitement ever to enter your mouth. Sorry, Andy. <3

PART 6: SHOPPING

Basically, walk into whatever store you want, but here are my favorites:

Kim's Video and Music- seriously the best and most eclectic music store ever. They have everything from Blu-Ray to vinyl, and they always have in-store performances. I'm there at least twice a month. They're on 1st and 1st in the East Village (my favorite area of NYC. I'm moving there.)

Bleecker Bob's- Another awesome record store, this time in the West Village on 3rd Street. They always have cool shit for a bargain, and on weekends they're open until 3am.

STRAND- This a famous bookstore in Union Square, with a Kiosk in Central Park. They sell rare and used books, too, and CD's and DVD's. If you stop in, be sure to get a STRAND tote bag to post on Tits' wall so she gets jealous.

Forbidden Planet- one of the most famous comic book stores in the history of comics. The New York store is the only FP store that's not in the UK, and it's located in Union Square right near the subway. It has everything- comics, toys, action figures, graphic novels, trading cards, apparel, event notices- I have literally spent hours in this place. I also DO NOT in any way have a picture of the storefront as the home screen on my phone. And by DO NOT, I mean I am totally lying.

Shut up! You don't own me.

Midtown Comics- second only to Forbidden Planet. There are three locations- one is literally right across from Grand Central, on 40th street, one is in Times Square, and one is downtown, on Fulton. Although that kind of defeats the purpose of the "Midtown" part, but OK.

Sunshine Cinema- not really "shopping," but they show cool, "new classics" on weekends at midnight. Recent stellar choices include Rocky Horror, Back to the Future and the MUPPET MOVIE! More convincing: My ex took me here on our first date and I immediately gave him sexytimes. BAM! FTW. It's on Houston (pronounced like the TV show, not like the TX city).

Jack's 99 cent Store- Like Walmart for even bigger cheap-asses. It has everything, including Halloween costumes. There are two- one across from Bryant Park and one on 32nd and Madison.

Ricky's- this is basically the Starbucks of NYC costume cosmetics stores since there's one every five steps. They have a lot of weird, colorful shit like wigs, glitter makeup, dirty magnets and basically whatever else you can think of that you don't want to display on the fridge when grandma comes over.

Or do you???

Whole Foods- I fucking love whole foods. I'm pretty sure they have my picture up in corporate to warn the employees as to when I come in. The art to shopping here is to ask to "try" stuff and then keep coming back to "try" stuff again.

Anyway, there's a gigantic one on Houston Street that is THREE STORIES complete with a bakery and beauty section. I'm not allowed in there without adult supervision. I've been told my O Face comes out.

Toys in Babeland- EXACTLY what you think it is. (You're welcome, Andy)

So that was it- my bible of shit to do while you stay in New York. If anyone ever needs a tour guide, feel free to hit me up. I accept Visa, AmEx and Mastercard. But not Discover, that little ginger bastard.

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

Thanksgiving is over, and holy shit, am I stuffed. I anxiously wait for Turkey Day every year because A) hello, food and B) it’s the only day of the “holiday season” that I can actually share with my yule-logging friends.

My brothers, who are both in corporate retail, had to work through dinner this year. My mom thinks of this as like the Eighth Deadly Sin- somewhere between Gluttony and Sloth- (isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about, though?) and this left she and my grandmother to pick up the cooking slack.

Let me address the prosecution by stating that I am in no way a fuck-up in the kitchen. Last year Thanksgiving was at my place, and I made pretty much everything while my brother lay on the couch and claimed that he couldn’t “reach” anything to help me (BTW, he’s 6’3).

However, no delicacy I’ve ever whipped up can compare to my mom’s culinary handiwork. Not only has she mastered the all the traditional holiday treats, but she also puts her own delicious, creative spin on everything. I lost count of how many times she threw me out of the kitchen and smacked my hands away because of excessive “nibbling.” But how will she know when the food is suitable for the belly if I don’t taste-test it first? (Shout-out to Christina for agreeing with me via the magic of Twitter.) When it comes to holiday cooking I usually let my mom do her own thing, because if I contribute anything it will definitely result in some sort of 911 call.

After I proceeded to stuff myself to the point where I had to change into stretchy pants, it was time to lounge on my grandma’s insanely comfortable sofa and watch the Jets kick the shit out of the Bengals. Once I realized that the people in the apartment across the street could totally see me doing my victory dance like a retard, I decided to scrap that and leave dirty holiday season greetings for all my friends. (“Prepping the Turkey:” innocent Thanksgiving ritual or kinky, sexual fetish? Discuss.)

While I was busy writing NSFW messages on text and Facebook (the ones between Lor and I are especially disturbing), I noticed that Rockstar had left me a wall post demanding that I consummate my annual laziness with a viewing of Thankskilling on Hulu.

This just sells itself, no?

Now, for those of you who have not yet had the honor of being introduced to this epic masterpiece, I feel very, very sorry for you. This cinematic glory was first launched into my life thanks to a hilarious review from McGriddle Pants at Serenity Now!! Insanity Later, without whom my world would be a dark and desolate place with no hope. Nothing I can say will even do this “movie” justice, so just take my advice, because in this case it’s worth more than naked pictures of Jon Hamm, and just download it.

Or just try and find the naked pics of Jon Hamm. Either way, you win.

I was also dumb enough to venture into Manhattan this weekend to window shop during the Black Friday sales. I barely escaped with all my limbs intact, because I’m stupid. And also small.

Anyway, Thanksgiving Weekend 2010 is officially over, but the holiday season is my absolute favorite time to be in New York City, and I’ll be posting about it soon over spiked hot chocolate. In the meantime, here’s a list of what I was thankful for this year:

-Naked pictures of Jon Hamm (I know they’re out there)
-Chocolate and/or milkshakes
-New York City pizza
-New York City in general
-My mom’s cooking
- Justin Bieber is not an American citizen, so there’s a chance he might be deported
- NBC decided not to cancel Chuck (SCORE!)
-The Walking Dead
-At least I have the Jets
-The Beatles are on iTunes!!!
-Bad Religion’s new album
-Nerdgasm
-Spanx
-College football!
-Words that sound dirty no matter what the context (insert, extend, hard…)
-The beautiful awful-ness of the SyFy Channel Original Movies
-You all voted me Featured Blogger on 20sb (<3 <3 <3) (PS- everyone go over there and vote for Mandy Moore for December)
-The Nip Clique
-This blog- cheaper than therapy and just as effective
-My friends (blogoverse, terrestrial, and those of you that have blended into both), family and everyone else that’s helped me through one of the most difficult and shittiest years of my life so far. I’d be a lot more fucked up if it weren’t for each and every one of you. Thank you, really. Nugs loves you.

GINN AND JEW(S)

It’s been a long-ass time since I checked my wallet and realized that I was stupidly low on cash. So of course I decided to take a weekend road trip (HOORAY FOR POVERTY!). I commissioned Ginntastic and let her know I was in dire need of some toxic refreshments, and it took her all of two seconds to give me a when and where.

I got in on Friday, and our Vodkatronic weekend took effect immediately. Ginntastic and her cousin Ale-xis took me to Dick’s, a seafood place where the waitresses make fun of you and make you wear penis hats. I should totally work there.

The best part about Dick’s (besides the moniker, of course), was that the guy performing the awful Dave Matthews covers was seriously loaded.

PS- not to get all dramatic and mushy on you guys, because I’m so not like that, but Fanueil Hall is beautiful at night. If you haven’t been there, you really should go.

So, yeah. We also met this guy who was in totally in love with Ale-xis and followed her so closely all night she could feel his breath on her face. Not cool, A-hole. He looked like the Mad Magazine guy on a three-day coke bender if he’d just run a marathon. Try to picture that without dry-heaving.

So that was my low-key Friday. Saturday was spent pretending we were back in college, and by that I mean sleeping 'til three, having pizza for “breakfast,” and not going to class. Ginntastic introduced me to Boston’s Channel 38, which plays a spectacular array of food porn. I swear that you have never seen cakes that look as amazing as the shit I saw on those shows. We stared slackjawed at the TV until it was time to get ready to go out with Ale-xis and a couple of her ridiculously hot and awesome friends.

I don’t remember shit about Saturday night as a whole (haha… “hole”), but there’s some funny stuff that went down that’s forever sealed in my brain thanks to Facebook. I do remember that we bar-hopped until last call and that the pictures that I have show us getting progressively more hammered as the night wore on. Probably because we had Ben & Jerry's milkshakes for dinner. YES.

Classy as shit, yo.

PS- Check out Gin’s “come over here” face.

The Harvard bar we started out at was actually a lot cooler than I expected. First of all, I didn’t think people at Harvard actually ventured off campus, but most of them were wasted (and, like, 11 years old. Am I really that ancient? I guess so, because I was ready for feetie pajamas at around 1am). Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I asked them to do math problems or something while they were drunk? “Add the shots in this drink! HAHAHA!”

All the specialty drinks were named after awesome songs, like the Sex Pistols’ “Pretty Vacant,” and since we knew all this (or because we were taking semi-pornographic shots with my camera), the bartender was pretty into us. So, sobriety… that was an interesting concept.

Bartender of the Year? Perhaps.

In between downing shots and Facebook sexting with Mandy Moore, we did manage to meet a copious amount of tools. One of the guys that came over to talk to me mentioned that he loved live music, so I gave him my card and told him I know when a lot of shows are. This guy had NO shot with me or any of my friends, but I figured I would network. At 2am, I got a call from this tool accusing me of having a fake number. Uh, you’re actually talking to me, and I gave you my fucking business card, so how about you’re retarded? Also, you look like a rabbit on steroids. FAIL.

BTW, I have never heard so many Boston accents in my life as I did at that bar- and I’ve been to Red Sox games. It was hilarious.

After our 3am snack of- what else?- CRUNCHY NUGGETS!- we finally hit the sack.

Only the finest white meat...

I got super excited and a little turned on when I woke up later and there was a tiny hand on my boob, but it turned out it was just her cat. The last time I felt a nose on my leg was like, a year and a half ago, though, so I'll take it.

When Gin dropped me off at the bus on Sunday it was fucking nuts how sad I was to leave. When I do eventually have to go back to LA I’m going to be totally devastated, but let’s not think about that right now.

BTW, Ale-xis recently started a blog herself. She’s a little nervous about how she’ll be received because she’s dyslexic and her grammatical skills aren’t great, but to those that have the nerve to say anything, Go Fuck Yourself. Her blog actually has the word "dyslexic" in the title, which makes anyone who comments on her mistakes an idiot. The only reason I’m not going to link to it here is because she has pictures up from this weekend, and I’m still pretending I’m totally anonymous and not friends with 2/3 of you on Facebook, but I really admire her for putting herself out there on the Interwebs. Actually, I’m considering having her guest post for me.  I’m in your corner, Dude!