Friday, July 02, 2010


My friend Sara at Sara Swears A Lot recently put up a post about which fictional characters she'd fuck if she got the chance. I thought it was a great idea, so I'm stealing it, only I made a top 10 instead of a top 5 so she can't accuse me of anything.

Here's my list. While I was compiling all this, I realized that between this and the post I did about shit that I'm afraid of, I'm baffled as to why I'm not heavily medicated.

10- JOHNNY CAGE, Mortal Kombat

I'm not much of a gamer anymore but when I was a kid, when Mortal Kombat first came out, I used to wreck that shit. Johnny Cage was supposed to be the "comic relief," and as we've all figured out by now, I'm pretty funny so I need someone who can keep up with me. The last time I played Mortal Kombat, this is what the Johnny Cage character used to look like:

Then they made a really shitty movie and he was played by this guy, whoever the hell he is:

Now, with the advent of technology and graphics, I discovered that this is apparently the new Johnny Cage:

DAMN. I've been missing out. If I actually were Sonya Blade I really would finish him. Get it?

Nice work, Midway. Up top.

9- LION-O, Thundercats

Normally I don't go for gingers, but Lion-O was pretty sexy. Thundercats was my favorite cartoon as a kid and Lion-O was their Lord, so I was sold. Plus I was like four, so I hadn't yet been schooled on the whole bestiality concept. Now whenever I watch old episodes and anyone yells out "Thundercats, ho!!!" it takes on a whole different meaning. I wanted to be Cheetara SO badly. I still do, actually.

Reportedly, there's a Thundercats remake planned for 2011. When I heard about that I almost creamed myself.

Update- this is the guy that did Lion-O's voice:

There's a panty-loosener for you. Thanks for crushing my dreams.

8- SMITH (Clive Owen), Shoot 'Em Up

Not only is Smith played by my future husband Clive Owen, but he has some of the coolest assassination scenes ever to grace the big screen. He shoots a carrot through a dude's face and manages to pump someone full of bullets while still banging Monica Bellucci. That is so badass. Also, he takes care of a little kid while he's brutally killing all these people. Aw.

7- TRENT LANE, Daria

I was never lucky enough to have any friends with hot older brothers- all their siblings were either girls, younger, or butt. So while I've never been in Daria's position, I totally get why she was crushing so hard on Trent. I understand that he was animated, but if he were real, he'd probably be pretty cute. He also played in a band, and growing up around musicians, that's always been a wet spot for me, even if the band in question seems like they were pretty awful. If Trent were 3D I'd totally be his groupie.

6- SUPERMAN, various incarnations

I first got introduced to the Superman character because the first movie is one of my dad's favorites. Then I started collecting the comics, and soon I was hooked.

Superman is the greatest of all the superheroes because he has all the best powers. He can fly, and he has x-ray vision, super-speed, super-strength and super-hearing, plus a whole bunch of other cool shit that I can't even list here because I'll run out of time. He also has the ability to fool everyone just by putting on a pair of glasses, but that most likely has more to do with people being idiots than anything else.

Superman is arguably the only superhero that's considered an American icon. There have been a ton of incarnations of the character, but the best is Christopher Reeve in the first two films:

Brandon Routh is hot, but the last movie was a cultural abortion, so he doesn't count. Neither does Smallville, which I honestly tried to get into, but I found it really fucking boring.

I've always thought Superman was awesome, but I knew I would hit that when he manipulated time to save Lois Lane from dying. That's fucking love, right there. I hope for her sake that "faster than a speeding bullet" deal doesn't apply to ALL areas, if you get what I'm saying.

5- PETER PETRELLI (Milo Ventimiglia), Heroes

Peter Petrelli starts out as a nurse, then becomes a paramedic, so you know he actually cares about people and he's not a total dick. He's also shirtless a lot and one of his special powers is that he can do amazing things with his hands. Plus, have you seen this guy?

I would tap that day and night.

4- SPIKE (James Marsters), Buffy the Vampire Slayer

All my friends were into Angel, but I always liked Spike. Spike was an asshole, and let's be honest, that's who I'm into. Later he was redeemed with a soul, but that still didn't really change him all that much because he was in love with Buffy even without one. When he and Buffy started doing it all over the place, man, that was hot. They were the best couple on the show, hands down. When he sacrificed himself at the end of the show, that was it for me. I cried like a little bitch.

Not to mention he was British- basically any accent guarantees that I'll be on my back with my legs in the air in less than five minutes. Except for New Jersey.

Jersey sucks.

3- DESMOND HUME (Henry Ian Cusick), Lost

I LOVED Desmond. He was one of the first big reveals of the show ("what's in the hatch?"), he was a little crazy, he brought the sci-fi with all the time travel and he was half-naked a lot. If that weren't enough, he and Penny had one of pop culture's most epic love stories- "The Constant" is one of the most beautiful hours of television I've ever seen. Now THAT'S sexy.

2- JAMES "SAWYER" FORD (Josh Holloway), Lost

Sawyer was the best character on Lost. He started out as the guy you were supposed to find really obnoxious because he was such a prick, but all the stuff he said was actually pretty funny. He was also really smart- he was always reading and making references to literary classics.

I hated Kate, but the scene in the cage where they finally boned was the hottest thing I'd ever seen on basic cable. I kind of felt bad for Jack when he had to watch them, but that went away real fast. I'm so glad my blinds were down and I live alone. Also, on the island timeline he was a conman, but in the altverse he was a cop, so either way you had handcuff access.

Later when he was with Juliet, who was my favorite female character, Sawyer got even better because we saw a completely new, vulnerable side of him, and it's always sexy when guys show that. They were such a great couple and her death scene wrecked me for like three days.

Sawyer was so hot because he was the best of both worlds- he started out as the hard, angry asshole but later turned out to be naked- figuratively and literally (score!). Seriously, he was shirtless for like, 2/3 of the show. Thank you, writers!

1- DEAN WINCHESTER (Jensen Ackles), Supernatural

Dean Winchester is SUCH a badass. He struts around in leather and denim, kicking copious amounts of demon ass to a soundtrack that sounds pretty much exactly like what I have on my iPod. He has an amazing classic car that's his real first love, although he gets so much tail that the chicks practically take numbers (those skanks). He has a great relationship with his brother, and he got sent to hell and literally crawled out of there to beat up some more demons (word). Plus he's played by Jensen Ackles, the hands-down most bangable guy on TV. I hear he just got married, too. Bitch.

Good lord, would I do horrible things to this man. Some of them are so bad they haven't even been invented yet.

Honorable Mention- I'd Switch Teams For That:

SLOAN (Emmanuelle Chriqui), Entourage

I'm strictly dickly, but if I absolutely had to give up the pickle for one night, I'd pick Sloan. For one thing, every guy I know has her picture in his spank bank. Also, before she and E got engaged on Entourage, she had him salivating like Britney Spears at an In-N-Out for the show's entire run, even during their break-up. Even as one who takes the penis, sometimes I look at Sloan and think, "damn, E, nice work." TV needs more women like Sloan. She's awesome, and makes Entourage watchable again.

Sloan and E:

So there's my list of fictional characters I would bone. Click on the link at the top to get Sara's version, and let me know who you would do if they were real. Also, don't judge. I was an interesting kid.

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