Thursday, August 23, 2012

This Is Incredible

I've spent a lot of the last 29 years of my life waiting. I waited for my boobs to grow (and now I wish I still hadn't crossed that bridge), I waited for college acceptance letters, I waited to turn 21 so I could- well, we all know how this story ends.

Not actual events.

Now that I've reached all the milestones that I can actually pass without wanting to sob profusely into a bottle of Captain, pretty much the only thing I'm anticipating retardedly is the new season of Game of Thrones. Just watching the opening of this show gives me major jazz hands.

For those of you that haven't been introduced to this cultural phenomenon, Game of Thrones has unseated Lost as the greatest television event ever since Darlton copped out with that bullshit ending. For those of you that don't have HBO (which I ordered solely to watch this show), I suggest Netflix or no! no! That's illegal and a horrible internet crime. I also recommend reading the books, which the series itself is based on. They're long, but if you have the patience, well worth the time and effort. If you don't like spoilers, though, only read the first two, since Season Three is coming in 2013. Almost a whole year!!! Seriously, HBO? NO.

I thought that my obsession with this show meant a surefire trip to the mental ward, but as it turns out, half of everyone I know is hooked on Game on Thrones, too. My friends and I watch it together on Facebook and both my brothers, who also love it, can discuss it on the phone with me for hours. As soon as I move back to the City (more on that in a future post), I'm anticipating Sunday night HBO viewing parties where I may or may not dress up as that crazy bitch Cersei Lannister, who I admit is a psycho but at least she gets to see Jaime naked OH HAAAAI.

That... is an awful big sword.
The persuasive powers of GoT are so hypnotic that they may have even convinced Coyote Tits, who has finally caved and has promised to check out Season One. I did have to agree, in return, to read the Harry Potter series, but it's a small price to pay to earn more GoT disciples.

Anyway, the guys at Topless Robot, an awesome site that clearly shares in my fanatic nerd-dom, apparently also can't wait for the third season of GoT. I check Topless Robot a few times a week, and when I went there today, this video came up:

There really isn't much else I can say besides this is the most incredible thing on the internet, ever. Words can't even describe how funny this is. It might be better than porn.

If I ever get a cat I'm naming it Tyrion.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Joy To The World!

Only one annual event has been known to bring out festive Christmas caroling even though I'm a Jew; my delighted jazz hands and (some may say) psychotic celebratory squeeing. It sure as Hell isn't my birthday anymore- in case you missed memos 1, B and MYSTICAL DIVING NARWHAL, Christ, I'm old.

No, the magical yearly occurrence that causes my unhinged tendencies to emerge in full force is the Discovery Channel's SHARK WEEK!, which I anticipate every year and become more and more breathlessly eager for, especially during the summer as the first day grows closer. I post about this every time it's on because I am not insane at all, in any way.

2012 is SHARK WEEK!'s 25th anniversary, so they are guaranteeing extra dance-worthy moments. Can you name any other television program that has stayed this consistently awesome for two and a half decades? No. You cannot. Law and Order was on for 20 years before it was canceled, and it was pretty cool, but that even started sucking after a while. To prove that SHARK WEEK! is truly the greatest event in TV history, I have teamed up with Trista from Tristachio to bring you the most excellent video you will ever find on the Internet, even counting porn. Enjoy.

PS- we're definitely thinking of making this Youtube deal a monthly Thing. Kittens BAM-POW'ing to Batman? Penguins waddling to Golden Girls? Let us know what you like- we're taking requests, and we're aware of what we just opened ourselves up to.

Haha. "Opened ourselves up."

This year's host of SHARK WEEK! is Philip DeFranco, who apparently is some dude from YouTube who I've never even heard of. Here's his Wikipedia, and I'm less than overwhelmed (so I guess I'm... whelmed?). Though I did just come across this bit of info, and now I can't wait:

"Philip DeFranco, of 'The Philip DeFranco Show' on Revision3 will host the nightly event, asking people to Tweet their votes using hashtags that will appear on the screen and to vote through a live poll on Facebook. The results will be tabulated and the item garnering the most votes that night will fall victim to the shark's 6" long razor-sharp teeth and crushed to bits for all the country to see."

However, everything else about SHARK WEEK! is super badass, as usual. I'm preparing for this like some women plan for their wedding, and I probably just found another reason why I'm single. I have an enormous shark pillow and an Air Swimmer.


Also, although I pleaded with everyone I know to buy me this dress, none of you assholes listened so I guess I'll just have to wait until next year.

Come on! It's a big birthday!
I also bought Shark Bites, like I do every year, only this time, I actually tricked some of my friends into sharing my insanity and they are coming over to enjoy the SHARK WEEK! Drinking Game with me. This Game is a highly celebrated phenomena which includes several steps to getting wasted within ten minutes, including changing the channel when you see those pussy-ass nurse sharks that don't eat people. I often like to add my own varieties such as chugging your drink when you see either a Great White or a Hammerhead, or downing a double shot when a shark attacks an animal or a baby. Bonus if that animal is a seal.

PS- I may or may not have photoshopped a picture of myself, as a shark, with Chompie, the Discovery Channel's SHARK WEEK! mascot.

Guess which one.

Our children would be shark-cellent.
Just in case you guys are thinking of skipping this and watching, I don't know, like CNN or something, I am no longer accepting any of the excuses I got last year, such as:
"I don't have cable."
"I'm getting married that day."
"I'm in the emergency room."
"I'm in prison."
"I'm allergic to fun."

Here are some of the new episodes of SHARK WEEK! that will help you with your decision to call out to work with Ebola:

AIR JAWS APOCALYPSE Sunday, Aug. 12, 9pm
Two idiotic photographers try to get WAY too close to a hulking Great White named Colossus who apparently dominates- and eats- all other sharks in his path. This should be pretty funny.

SHARKZILLA Monday, Aug. 13, 9pm
This would be worth watching if only for the SyFy Channel-ish title alone. This is an entire hour dedicated to the Megalodon, which apparently is the largest shark ever (EVER!). I give it an over-under  of seven minutes until I'm completely shit-faced.
Mythbusters AND sharks? Two of my favorite things on TV at the same time? Where do I sign?
SHARK FIGHT Wednesday, Aug 15, 9pm
There better be pillows and toenail painting, and not some sentimental crap about survivors or some bullshit.

For a complete schedule of all things sharktastic, go to the Discovery Channels' SHARK WEEK! website:

Old episodes of last year's SHARK WEEK! are going on right now on the Discovery Channel, but I'll forgive the fact that your TV isn't on because maybe you didn't know that. I'll be on my couch, all week, with my sharkalicious snacks and my flying remote control shark, already planning 2013's festivities.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Everything You Know Is Wrong Forever

Today is a tragic day in the history of children everywhere, chronologically and otherwise:

Baby Beluga has died.

For the three of you (or, perhaps, the foreigners) who are not aware of the existence of Baby Beluga, allow me to induct you into the heartwarming world of timeless stories and songs.

I, like many of my friends, was introduced to Baby Beluga by Raffi, the singer-songwriter who touched all our hearts with joy when he sang and strummed his guitar along to "Mr. Sun," "Down By The Bay," "Willoughby Wallaby Woo" and "Bananaphone." I must have made my parents take me to see Raffi in concert at least 37 times. I also used to act out his songs in their bedroom, except when he sang about the Spider on the Floor. That was kind of fucked up, Raffi. I hate spiders.

Anyway, this morning, when I went to Entertainment Weekly's website, I was unsuspectedly greeted by this horrendous shocker, which I immediately posted on Facebook and then forwarded to everyone I knew.

I feel like half of my life has been a lie, and I've been forced to re-evaluate everything I've learned in my formative years. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loved "Wheels on the Bus."

Will I find out tomorrow that that bus got towed? I was also really into "Frere Jacques" even though I had no idea what the fuck I was saying until a few years later when I found out you had to be French to know what the lyrics meant. But since I was like five and didn't know about this whole "discrimination" concept, I really didn't care. Raffi was amazing, and his songs were captivating. Get a load of his awe-inspiring three-disc miracle here.

I remember when I was in pre-school, Baby Beluga was the greatest form of musical composition ever created. I still remember all the lyrics, and also that it was directly responsible for a time period of about two to three years where I was obsessed with whales. I also recall REALLY wanting to be "older" so I could have a banana phone. I still want, one, actually. That would be badass.

This was a pretty depressing day for my childhood, so I'll probably sit around and watch cartoons for the rest of the night. I suggest you all make yourselves a nice PB&J with the crusts cut off, and I  will sign off with this:

Stay strong.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

So... This Is Real

It's pretty common knowledge that I'm a sports fanatic- I keep insisting on posting about ESPN-type shit even though no one comments on them (or, most likely, even reads them). So everyone is probably thinking that I'm all up in the Summer Olympics.

I do have an enormous amount of respect for the competing athletes. Have you guys seen the stamina that these people have? Sometimes I get winded just walking up the stairs to the laundry room, especially in ninety degrees. My favorite part of the Olympics so far was when Ginntastic was telling me about all the gymnastics, and I realized I was on my 47th Cheez-It. Clearly by "favorite" I actually mean "embarrassing."

I'm so alone.
However, I totally do not get this whole Ryan Lochte deal. I mean, from the neck down, YES. But from the neck up? Not so much. His face kind of looks like evolution stopped just short right before it got to him.

Yeah no.
Also, Lochte seems like a massive douche (even his mom thinks so!), and he pees in pools! Gross. There is only room for one Ryan, and it is NOT you. Go home.

That's what I'm talkin' about. I'll be in my room.
Besides that, have any of you noticed some of the "sports" that are vying for medals this year? I mean, sure, there are worthy categories such as soccer, football, basketball, volleyball, swimming and gymnastics; but allow me to introduce you to some of the more ridiculous "games" that they have going on:

Table Tennis
Horse Dressage (come on, now)

Recently I also found out from Coyote Tits that the Olympics also has a spot for trampolines. I thought she was kidding until we had this conversation on Facebook:

Nugs they have trampolines?
           are you fucking with me?
Coyote Tits no
                     this is an actual sport, it's already given out its medals
Nugs no it's not
          just because it's played doesn't mean it's a sport
Coyote Tits i mean it doesn't say Olympic sports
                    its Olympic games
Nugs trampoline isn't a game
          it's something five year olds do in the backyard
          and walking? is there a medal if you can do that and chew gum at the same time too?
Coyote Tits only if you are playing Olympic ping-pong
Nugs ok, stop
          this shit can't be real
          why isn't napping in the Olympics?
Coyote Tits hahahahaha
Nugs I would win all the medals
          all of them

(You can read Tits' version of the Olympic phenomenon here. Why no one has published a book filled with our conversations yet, I have no idea. We are WAY funnier than Texts From Last Night, and that shit is a bestseller. Practically.)

Also the guy who won the gold in trampolining is named Dong Dong. Try to look at that and not laugh.

Don't get me wrong, some of the crap in the Winter Olympics is pretty retarded too. I mean, what the fuck is curling? That's not a sport; that's housework. Apparently the 2014 Games also have something called Skeleton which better have a fucking dancing puppet wearing a top hat or I'm boycotting everything.

I'm not downplaying the Olympics at all- the athletes contending for the gold, or even the silver or bronze, can say much more for themselves than I ever could. The last marathon that I successfully accomplished was seasons three-four of Doctor Who, and that was without commercials. But synchronized dancing? Really? My friends and I did that at the junior prom. We thought we were awesome.


The Olympics should definitely add some new categories so people start taking them more seriously in 2016. For example: napping. Or eating Cheez-Its. I would rock that shit; just sayin'.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Dolphins Are Assholes

Last night I got off a plane and when I turned my phone back on, I had about seventy billion texts about the Curiosity Mars landing.

Science! Fuck yeah!
I love how every time there's a new development in the world of science, my friends and family automatically think, "who is the biggest loser I know one person that would definitely appreciate this vital piece of information?"

Thanks, guys.

Dying alone, thanks.

What's possibly even more awesome is that I had been traveling back from New Mexico, which is like, the alien capital of the world. I didn't see any, of course, unless you count myself. I feel like there should be a dating joke somewhere in here (Men are from Mars, anyone? Thank you! I'll be here all week!), but I'll save that for my other blog, because my co-bloggers are WAY funnier than I am.

At any rate, the first message I got came from Rio (who happens to pen Good Music, Bad Math) who sent me this:


I think it says a lot of my character that my mind immediately went here:

Apparently scientists have been working to prove that dolphins are smarter than we are, but do you see dolphins landing on a planet that can't hold liquid water? No. You do not. Plus dolphins are fucking gang rapists that eat their young. This just shows that the human race, although plentiful with douchebags ourselves, can really step it up if we pull our heads out of our asses.

So score one for us, and dolphins, suck my balls. Proverbially.