Thursday, February 21, 2013

Eight-Legged Freak-Out

So the other day, I was on Facebook looking at random shit when I noticed that one of my friends had posted this:


The chances of me ever having the chance to go to Brazil, although it used to sound awesome, are right up there with landing a seven-figure job or getting five minutes alone with Baby Goose without them ending in a restraining order, but still. NO. This is just- no. I'm done. What circle of Hell is this? This is terrible.

Spiders don't stand a chance. Just sayin.
Everybody that knows me is aware that out of everything in life, bugs are the things that I hate the most, except for like, nuclear war and Justin Bieber. Remember this dude? I couldn't sleep for a week and a half after I found it in my bathroom.

Who said that this was OK??????
Spiders are the worst. I've always been petrified of them. Growing up, I used to get my brothers to run in and crush them mercilessly; now I make my boyfriend do it for me. Last week I was about to get in the shower when I noticed a small web in the corner and I swear to God the scream that I let out woke up dogs in the next three towns. Iron Man ran in because he probably thought I fell down or something and I was standing there, terrified, staring at the floor.

Me: There's a spider! In the bathroom.
IM: Where? 
(I point to it. He's probably seen crumbs bigger than that.)
IM: Are you serious?
(He kills it. Kind of.)
IM: It didn't run away. 
Me: It's not in the napkin.
IM: This is retarded. Get in the shower.

Over the course of the day I kept looking all over his apartment for what I now consider my most worthy adversary.

Every time I heard a rustling movement I jumped, just knowing that the spider had come back to take its revenge. It didn't help that Tits kept posting stuff on my Facebook page about murderous insects that put people in comas and shit like that, which she found hilarious but probably scarred me for life. I finally agreed to get into bed, and I lay there, staring at the ceiling. I decided to shake Iron Man awake, and he was less than appreciative. I can't imagine why.

Me: Will you please go find the spider?
IM: It's 3am.
Me: He's waiting for me. He wants my soul.
IM: This is really happening right now.
Me: Please?
IM: Goodnight.
Me: Please?
(At this point he's started ignoring me.)
Me: Please?
Me: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?
IM: Jesus fuck. 
Me: Fine. I'll kill it myself.
(Thirty Minutes Later)
IM: Were you really in the bathroom for half an hour?
IM: Did you find it?

As of today, that little fucker is still at large, and Iron Man is fully aware that he is dating an insane person (he has actually said, "I'm dating an insane person"). The fact that he has not been bestowed with a medal yet is pretty baffling to me; however, maybe that's what the spider wants. It's probably in the same Legion of Doom as the Two-Headed Snake.

Please still be my friends.

Thursday, February 07, 2013

Dead Space Vol. 3- Prison Break!

As always, there are spoilers for the graphic novels in here. So if you care, don't click on the links.

One might think that this post is going up so far behind the episode airing because I'm aiming for dramatic effect, considering The Walking Dead comes back THIS WEEKEND OMGJAZZHANDSOMGJFGDGHJKDVCVCVJCVJKVHBJXHVCBXJ!!!!!!

One would be wrong. I'm just lazy.

Made to Suffer opens with the appearance of Tyreese! Holy shit! Not only is Tyreese awesome, but he's played by Cutty from The Wire, which is the most brilliant program ever created for television. If you have never seen it, trust me- buy it now. You are missing out. Besides the 2013 Ravens, The Wire is probably the only thing that Baltimore has to be proud of.

Tyreese's gang includes himself and a family of three, which is weird because isn't his daughter's boyfriend supposed to show up in this bitch? Oh right- more than one black guy attracts zombies.

Never mind. His daughter, Julie, I assume, is the fifth member, but who the fuck knows with this show? The mom gets bitten on the arm, so Tyreese's gang is all, "cool, let's keep her alive instead of immediately preventing her zombification by killing her. Oh hey, her terrified pre-teen son."

They wander around for a while before coming across the Prison. I don't know why I didn't make this connection before, but we can totally do a Six Degrees game with Sarah Wayne Callies, kind of. In 2005, when she was on Prison Break, (also first-rate programming, if you get the chance to check that out), her character spent all her time in a prison and there was a character called The Governor. Also, she was a morphine addict, and most likely still would have made a better mom than Lori Grimes.

We then cut to Mayberry, where Andrea is trying to look all pretty and shit for her new boyfriend. I'm still confused as to why Andrea is so fucking stupid. I guess I can see not noticing the undead kid in the closet, especially if you're a clueless moron. But how do you completely miss a room with fish tanks full of fucking decapitated heads? That's a pretty messed up hobby. I mean, it's not like The Governor is harboring an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.


Glenn and Maggie are still being held captive, and Glenn does a super bad-ass trick where he fashions weapons out of zombie bones. He and Maggie get re-kidnapped by Merle and are ordered to be taken into someplace called the "screamer pit," which, frankly, sounds kind of sexual.

Meanwhile, the Atlanta Gang continues to make their way towards The Governor's camp, continuing to point out how useless Michonne is even though she's the only one who knows where they're going and also brought them food. The entire town of Mayberry has conveniently forgone all security at this point and everyone just waltzes in all, "oh haaaai." Michonne immediately goes to kick The Governor's ass and in doing so finds Penny, whom she mistakes for a regular child until she pulls off the bag and sees the little zombie face. The Governor pleads with Michonne not to hurt his daughter but she isn't having any of that shit and drives a sword through Penny's head. Then there's a ridiculously mind-blowing fight where Michonne breaks one of the fish tanks and slams one of the glass shards into The Governor's eye. Andrea walks in in the middle of all this and is all, "NO!" Whatever, Andrea. We're all already tired of you.

Readers of the books will understand why Michonne hates The Governor so much; he does some pretty horrific things to her on the page. In the TV show, however, he's just an incredible asshole. There is no denying that The Governor is a scumbag, but he hasn't really done anything personally to Michonne to warrant a loathing this formidable. Yet.

Back at the Prison, Carl, who clearly does not watch enough horror movies, runs out to investigate a strange noise and runs into Tyreese and his crew. He shoots and kills the Bitten Mom and then pulls a gun on the rest of them, which prompts them to refer to Carl as a "man." While last season this would have seemed like a ludicrous concept, Carl is actually shaping up to be not totally useless. Well played, writers and/or Chandler Riggs.

So everyone escapes from Mayberry except for Daryl, who has probably chosen to stay behind in order to look for his brother. The Governor, who has apparently taped some paper towel over his eye, captures him and parades him in front of the residents. He informs them that Daryl is a terrorist, and that Merle is his brother and that now there needs to be a showdown between them. I recommend a dance-off, with lifts and glitter leggings. That would be amazing.

I'm guessing the writers won't kill Daryl, since he's the definition of "fan favorite," but he's not in the novels so basically they can do whatever they want. These last two months have been real nail-biters, especially for me because I bite my nails. Personally, I think Rick is going to come back, save both Daryl and Merle and kick some Governor ass. Then everyone is going to make out.

I said not gay!
I would also like to point out that SyFy brainlessly decided that this Sunday is the night that they are finally going to air Battlestar Galactica: Blood and Chrome- directly opposite the return of The Walking Dead. I'm of course not a television program director, but this seems like just about the dumbest move they could possibly make. I have On Demand so I can catch one of them later but still. TWD already has an established audience that is anticipating Season 3.2 probably more than the birth of their first child. I loved BSG, but there is no way I'm missing zombies on TV.

Anyway, let me know if you tuned into this, and what you thought of the episode. I promise I will recap Season 3.2 in a more timely manner, and uh, sorry about my epic fail.