The first type is one you watch to be entertained- you know that it's terrible, but you still expect that it will make you laugh, at the very least unintentionally. There will more than likely be attractive actors, usually in various stages of undress; ridiculous dialogue and a ludicrous plot. This type of film is the cornerstone of SMAC's lineup; what our very foundation is based upon (we will return soon, promise). Recent examples include The Mighty Ducks, ThanksKilling, Ed and any of the SyFy Channel movies (excluding Sharktopus, which is a finely crafted masterpiece and should always be regarded as such).
Highly recommended. Seriously.
The second type is so awful, so horrifically atrocious that you can't even get back the viewing hours that you have just spent. Getting through an entire film in this category makes you want to take up a nasty crack habit just so you have a less embarrassing "feat" to bring up at parties. A telling sign of any movie in this lexicon are the shakes, sweating, becoming pale and contemplating suicide a quarter of the way through. Movies in this genre include From Justin to Kelly, Valentine's Day and at least ninety percent of Nicolas Cage's arsenal.
The third and most hazardous type of bad movie is anything and everything Twilight.
As hard as I tried, I could not avoid the fact that a new Twilight film opened last weekend. Sadly, I've actually been dragged to two of them in the theater, and collectively, they were the worst four hours of my life. A couple of my friends made me go see Blue Moon or whatever the fuck it was, and I hadn't read the books or seen the first movie, and I fell asleep for twenty minutes, and I was still able to follow the entire "plot" (spoiler: there are dogs or some shit). During one of the scenes the CGI was so bad that I actually started to laugh. The acting was so painful it was like burning. Kind of like that one time in college when- well, never mind.
The next time was entirely my fault. I offered to take one of my girls who was nursing a break-up wound, on one condition: I was allowed three out-loud comments. I purchased our tickets online so as not to draw attention to myself and attempted to find a seat in the jam-packed theater (we were there opening night- sometimes I am such an amazing friend that I'm jealous of myself). I tried to sit next to some pre-teen Twitard until she threw her arm over the seat and glared at me. Yikes. Who was she saving this for, her imaginary boyfriend? At any rate, my friend and I sat down anyway and I reminded her of our pact. I definitely benefitted more from my makeshift MST3Kthan the audience did; I doubt they appreciated when I referred to the movie as "Twilight: Breaking Hymen." Also I really wanted to incorporate the drinking game that my brother and follow Nip Clique-ers had invented to get me through the evening but I was afraid that I would be dead within ten minutes.
This movie has been out for a week and has already made $362 million internationally. It doesn't matter that all the "films" in this franchise are known to be appallingly awful; apparently, eleven-year-olds (chronologically and otherwise) don't care. Watching the two that I saw was like coating my snatch with honey and then sending a personalized, highlighted E-vite to every bee in North America.
This way to insanity
The only reason that I have actually been anticipating Twilight: Breaking Hymen Part Jesus Fuck How Many of These Are There is that supposedly, this is the last one until everyone involved decides that they want more money. Until I hear otherwise, there are no more Twilights forever. We're free, everybody!
PS- +5 to whoever can name the movie that I shamelessly quoted this post title from.
That noise you heard on Sunday was the splatter of ovaries hitting televisions as they exploded in a sea of "HOLY GOD YES."
This week's The Walking Dead, "Say The Word," picked up right where "Killer Within" left off, with everyone being introduced to Rick (?) and Lori's daughter. Rick was too busy writhing around on the floor trying to win that well-deserved Emmy, so Daryl stepped up and held her and HOLY SHIT KITTENS AND MAGICAL RAINBOWS. Every time he asked the baby if she "liked that, Little Ass-kicker," not a woman on the planet did not respond in the affirmative. The only way the writers could have ensured more Defcon One-r levels of masturbating is if they would have cut to that video of Baby Goose singing the theme song from My Little Pony.
Top that off with Daryl putting flowers on Carol's grave and that's it. I'm done. Your move, other racists.
Apparently getting massively turned on by Daryl cooing to Lori's infant daughter does not make me a sociopath, judging by the Talking Dead that followed "Say The Word" (gotta say, that's a relief). I am, however, a little concerned about the tingly feelings that develop whenever the focus shifts to Batshit Rick (BRick? Let's make this a Thing).
For those of you familiar with the books, you know that Lori's death begins Rick's spiral into becoming completely and totally fucking insane. Also, for those of you familiar with the books, you know exactly who was on the other end of that phone call. I like how they're wasting zero time and not dragging that storyline out (it's AT&T, because Rick was too stupid to switch to Verizon).
Anyway.
I'm a little worried as to what it says about me that the more insane Rick (BRick) gets, the more I'm attracted to him. It can't be just me, right? I mean, his Crazy Face is pretty sexy, even if it's really bloody. Also if you think about it, all of this insane rage porn is to avenge the death of his wife, whether we all hated her or not, so it's kind of devoted and sweet. Kind of. Maybe. Also don't forget- British. He did this once:
I think I'm alone now.
Even The Governor also got in on some cute kid action, until we discovered that his daughter Penny is a zombie that he keeps in a closet, oh haaai.
Again, if you read the comics you knew some of that already, but the show has been deviating, so there's still that element of surprise.
It'll be interesting to see just how important a role Penny plays with all the characters, and just how closely the showrunners follow the books, if you get what I'm saying.
Wait- ew! Not like that. You perverts. She's like seven! I love you all so much.
At any rate, thank you, The Walking Dead, for no longer being a metaphor for my sex life. Between Daryl holding babies and BRick and his one-man zombie destroyer, after next week I'll most likely be pregnant.
I usually don't do reviews of things I actually enjoy because then I can't make fun of them. However, this week's episode of The Walking Dead, "Killer Within,"was such a major sack-punch (if I had a sack) that I HAVE to discuss it. All my friends are talking about it so I would feel kind of left out if I didn't. So here's a new thing that I'm trying out. If it turns out to be wildly popular, this is Volume 1. If it doesn't, eh, I tried.
If you watch the show and/or are a fan of the books but haven't gotten this far yet, I would recommend that you not read this post, because then you'll know what happened and might think I'm a bitch, even more than you probably already do. If, like me, you witnessed the emotional fallout in real time, then cool. All systems go.
Being on the West Coast, I should really know to avoid Facebook on Sundays and Tuesdays, when my friends will unfailingly post about that night's respective episodes of TWD and/or Sons of Anarchy. I had shut off my laptop but unfortunately was too stupid to remember to turn off my phone, so while I was eating my dinner this alert popped up from Booyabobby:
Our wish finally came true! But damn that was heart breaking.
As an avid reader of the comics, I could only assume that he was referring to the anticipated and celebrated death of Lori Grimes, one of the worst and most reviled characters in the history of network television, although I was surprised that this was the episode that the event took place. Lilly, the character that shoots Lori in the books, hadn't even been introduced on the show, and Lori's baby had yet to be born (Also, fans of the show, is that the worst pregnant stomach ever, or what? What did they put in there, a NERF ball?).
Zombie Baby? Or BOOBIES?!?!?!
Then again, Carol was still around, so that whole Sophia deal was completely out of whack with the timeline as well.
BTW, thanks for forgetting that I'm three hours behind you, Bobby.
I decided to quit with the neurotic, Jew-y psychoanalysis and just watch the damn episode, already. It started out hilariously with Glenn and Maggie being caught boning in the tower and getting "yeah, man" looks from Rick and Daryl. That scene easily goes into my Top 20 Walking Dead moments. Everyone's reactions were totally realistic- Maggie was mortified; Glenn was like, "check me out- I just got laid"; the men were all up in that shit.
That, of course, was short-lived because the generators all started blaring and the walkers began to pour in. The Atlanta Gang immediately commenced with the killing, slicing heads and stabbing all over the place.
Meanwhile, back in Mayberry- sorry, I meant Woodbury- Andrea continued to skank it up and try to get into the pants of both Merle and The Governor. He's who this election really needed, IMO. Imagine how awesome that would be.
This dude for President of Everything.
She and Michonne were, in fact, planning on taking Merle to find Daryl, but because The Governor spoke more than two words to her, Andrea wants to stay now. What the fuck happened to Andrea? She used to be cool, kind of. Then she jumped on Shane's dick and became a sniveling little twelve year old with floopy hands and whiny facial expressions.
I've also been expecting a lot more from Michonne this season. She's one of the most popular characters in the comics, and save for a bad-ass entrance at the end of last season, she hasn't done jack except stroll mopily around the house and tell Andrea why they can't trust people. I guess she did off her zombie pets, and that was kind of cool, but dude, if I had access to a katana blade I would use it to hand things to people. But anyway.
As Andrea attempted to slut it out in Mayberry, the Atlanta Gang was busy taking names in the prison. Fucking Andrew from episode 2 showed up while Rick was busy trying to save his friends. God, Andrew. Good timing. Fortunately Rick didn't have time for any of that shit and killed him.
PS- I found out at Comic-Con that Andrew Lincoln is actually super, super British. As if the weapon carrying and the copious ass-kicking weren't enough, he just got exponentially hotter, oh haaaai.
Wow, I am really fucked up.
Of course, as much I'd been reveling in how great this episode had been so far, I still remembered the spoiler (!!!!!!) Bobby had posted on my Facebook wall earlier and couldn't escape that nagging lump in my throat (that's what she said). TWD did not skimp on the brutal deaths this week. Carol is missing and we're not entirely sure whether she made it out. She never really had a clear purpose but still, that kind of sucks. The first gut-wrencher, however, came in the form of the episode's MVP, T-Dawg, who pushed Carol out of the way when the walkers had them cornered and ran directly into the line of fire, giving Carol a chance to escape or at least get a solid head start. I'd heard that T-Dawg would have a bigger role this season, having more than two lines and maybe even some character development. Guess not. RIP, T-Dawg. From what we could tell from your four syllables, you were pretty awesome.
Here's a clip of IronE Singleton on this week's Talking Dead. You can tell he's just as nice a guy as everyone says and I hope he books a ton more acting gigs after this.
Lori had the distinct attribute of being one of those characters that I absolutely despised up until the very minute that I realized they were a total goner. This is impressive considering that it's only been accomplished by very few others- Jack Shepard, Marissa Cooper, Daffy Duck.
While running from the walkers, Lori chose that exact moment to go into labor and ushered Maggie and Carl into the boiler room (finally! Carl "stays in the fucking house!"). Maggie was forced to play midwife until Lori started excessively bleeding, because she would of course probably have a zombie baby. Meanwhile Carl is off to the side like, "oh great, the first vagina I ever see and it's my mom's."
Lori realized that something was up with her kid and told Maggie she would have to cut her open and extract the baby from her stomach, most likely killing her in the process. The world went "YAY!" but then we had to watch her say goodbye to Carl. The scene is below, and it's heartbreaking.
The speech Lori gave to Carl when she told him he would have to take care of everyone, including his father, was handled with grace, sincerity and real emotion. It was one of the most realistic scenes I've watched on television since I can remember, and it was made even more difficult when Carl volunteered to shoot his own mother in the head so she wouldn't turn. Maggie left the room, we heard a gunshot and then Carl emerged, all stoic and Child of the Corn like. He's not an annoying, useless little shit anymore, and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Both Sarah Wayne Callies (who played Lori) and writer Robert Kirkman claim that Lori is dead, gone and off the show completely, but Callies totally lied about her character's fate this season so as not to spoil fans, and we never actually witnessed Carl shooting her in the head, so you never know. I really hope we get to see Zombie Lori. That would be sweet.
Also, now that Lori is gone, we'll probably never find out whose baby it actually is, either, since the comics never tell us. My theories are as follows:
If the baby ever jumps directly into Andrea, it's Shane's. (Chris Hardwick suggested this on an episode of Talking Dead once. I think that was genius.)
If the baby won't stay in the fucking womb, it's Rick's. ("Baby! Stay in the fucking womb." "NO!" "Yup, it's mine.")
I think if you take an informal poll, you'll find that the scene where most people lost it is where Rick sees his daughter (not mentioned in the episode, but if you read the comics, you know) and figures out that his wife is dead. Andrew Lincoln deserves all the fucking awards. Just all of them. Emmy, Golden Globe, American Kennel Club, Award for Obscure Abbreviations, Jamy Toaster, whatever. Hell, just elect him President.
The moment was borderline "what's-in-the-box," but the dude's wife was just killed. Seriously. BTW, this marks a turning point in the books where Rick begins a spiral into becoming a complete fucking mental patient.
There's a reason The Walking Dead is one of my favorite television shows, and it's episodes like "Killer Within" that I would probably force my friends to watch to prove my point. This show does not fuck around, and although "Killer Within" was a terrible idea when I am PMS'ing and the leftover Halloween candy was not within arms' length, I am so grateful for quality programming and not more crap like Honey Boo Boo.
About a week ago I saw a commercial for the HP Envy Ultrabook. The product didn't impress me all that much (everyone knows that I'm a total whore for Apple), but the song used in the ad left a lasting impression. Unfortunately I couldn't get my Shazam up fast enough, so I was stuck looking for it online.
I had no idea how to accomplish this- I didn't know the name of the song, and I also had no clue who the fuck the artist was. So I texted Rio from Good Music, Bad Math and asked him to give me the name of a site that would point me in the right direction. He sent me to Yahoo! Answers and told me that not only would someone probably be able to assist me with my query, but it was also a goldmine of stupidity when it came to the postings on that site. The categories on Yahoo! Answers cover basically everything, ranging from Sports, Travel, Entertainment & Music, Food & Drink, Business & Finance, Politics & Government, and my personal favorites, Pregnancy & Parenting and Science & Mathematics. The level of idiot that I found while perusing through the questions on there was absolutely mind blowing. I think I must have forwarded Rio like eleven of them before he started totally ignoring me.
The greatest request I found on Yahoo! Answers, and possibly in the history of the American education system, was this one. I didn't even believe it myself after staring at it for a solid two-three minutes so I screen-capped it so you all could confirm that it is, in fact, real:
LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
I don't know who wrote this but I think they are actually 100% serious. I wonder if they know Amanda Bieber. Also if you Google this, it has its own category (type in "yahoo answers walk on sun").
Since this is apparently for a "seasns" test (I'm guessing "science," but it's been a while since I was in school so maybe this is a new subject that I don't know about), I'm actually going to help this person out and let them know why walking on the sun is an impossibility, unless you are Smash Mouth, and no one cares about them. 1) The sun is super far away, like at least 100 miles, so driving there is kind of a pain in the ass. Also it's really round, so good luck finding parking. B) It's a gigantic ball of gas, so it smells really bad. ARCTIC FOX) It's hot there all the time. I guess you could go at night though, or in the winter, like a few virtuosos suggested. DD) The only food that the sun likes to eat is Raisin Bran, so it's probably a cheap date and doesn't tip well.
What a dick.
If you still can't believe that anyone could actually be this dumb, the link to the original post is here. 'Merica.
BTW, I did find my song. It's "Promises," by London dubstep band Nero, and it is an awesome addition to my gym playlist.
So it's October now, which usually gets me super excited because it's my favorite time of the year. Both my mom's birthday and Halloween are at the end of the month, and everyone that meets me for five seconds knows that I go totally jazz hands for Halloween.
The weather is perfect- that consummate temperature that's just in between cold and hot, with no humidity, so I can bust out my chunky boots and adorable accessories at night but still have free reign to slip on what might be considered "less than subtle" attire during the day (read: I think you know).
October is also the best sports month- football is just heating up, hockey begins and the MLB postseason gets underway. It's also the NBA pre-season, but being a casual Knicks fan I don't care enough about that to actually pay attention.
This year, however, October has pretty much brought on a massive raindown of Epic Fail. While my friends and family back in NYC have been playing up this country-wide heatwave to their full advantage, LA seems to have missed the memo that hi, it's Fall now. For the past month or so Southern California residents have been "enjoying" insane temperatures in the 90's and 100's. I tried to go outside for a run this weekend and as soon as I walked out of my apartment I immediately was like FUCK NO. It was like those scenes in the SyFy Channel movies where the editing is sped up and backwards.
Dear Los Angeles:
NO.
Sincerely, Everyone.
This has also been an incredibly depressing year in sports for me. The Mets are absolutely fucking terrible- I mean, terrible to the point that I didn't watch more than five full baseball games on TV. I think they're something like 7,000 games under .500. At least I learned my lesson from last season and didn't put money down on the Sox. R.A. Dickey may win the Cy Young this year, though, so that's a small consolation prize.
The Jets aren't much better, and now with the acquisition of Tim Tebow we get to boast two quarterbacks that can't throw the ball! Awesome! And even though this wasn't technically in October, we're currently the joke of the NFL and most sports programming thanks to this game:
Every time I relive this I die a little.
Note: NBC Sports actually laughed when recapping this.
Which brings me to hockey: I may have taken some comfort in the fact that the Rangers had a shot to go really far this year, but oh wait! Hockey's been canceled. The NHL and the NHL Player's Association failed to reach a monetary agreement and therefore shut down the 2012-2013 season, for now anyway. A lot of the NHL players are dealing with the lockout by playing in Europe, which resulted in new Ranger Rick Nash injuring his shoulder (of course).
I've discussed this with my brother and a few of my Canadian friends, and they all run the gamut from devastated to suicidal. I wonder what people do in Canada when there's no hockey. Chug Molson? Play Rush albums? Moose hunt?
As if this weren't enough, I think I remember telling you guys that a couple of months ago, the hard drive on my brand new MacBook crashed. Well, if I didn't, it did. So that happened, and I lost half of my music files, which I've been fighting with Apple to get back for a good two weeks now.
At least my grief has been somewhat assuaged by the fact that it's impossible to cancel Halloween, although I still haven't decided on my costume yet. Ginny and I were discussing this over on her blog yesterday, and so far she has helped me narrow it down to three distinct possibilities:
1) The Uhura costume from Star Trek.
Now while this may seem like a waste of money, you all know me, and what are the odds that I will actually wear this again, frequently, in public, for no other reason than I HAVE A STAR TREK DRESS?
B) A TARDIS dress. BTW, I recently came across a video of Matt Smith citing his love for Breaking Bad and Radiohead. Dude. I'm in.
What is the plural of TARDIS, by the way? TARDI? TARDISes?
BABY MARMOSET) Either Mileena or Kitana from Mortal Kombat. I would do this because I loved the game as a kid, as did most of my friends; however, wearing either one of these would probably require starving myself until the 31st. I'll also be in New York, where it could possibly be pretty cold.
What do you guys think?
Also while you're at it, and if you have the time and aren't worried about the remainder of your sanity, cruise over to the sidebar and check out my newest feature, Tits From Last Night (or just click this handy link). It's not porn (unless you want it to be- oh haaaai), but rather a compilation of some of the most hilarious exchanges between myself and Coyote Tits. Basically what it comes down to is that I'm a demented, inconsiderate asshole and it's a wonder she puts up with me or even that I have any friends at all, but read this anyway. It's kind of funny sometimes.
I've spent a lot of the last 29 years of my life waiting. I waited for my boobs to grow (and now I wish I still hadn't crossed that bridge), I waited for college acceptance letters, I waited to turn 21 so I could- well, we all know how this story ends.
Not actual events.
Now that I've reached all the milestones that I can actually pass without wanting to sob profusely into a bottle of Captain, pretty much the only thing I'm anticipating retardedly is the new season of Game of Thrones. Just watching the opening of this show gives me major jazz hands.
For those of you that haven't been introduced to this cultural phenomenon, Game of Thrones has unseated Lost as the greatest television event ever since Darlton copped out with that bullshit ending. For those of you that don't have HBO (which I ordered solely to watch this show), I suggest Netflix or thepiratebay.org no! no! That's illegal and a horrible internet crime. I also recommend reading the books, which the series itself is based on. They're long, but if you have the patience, well worth the time and effort. If you don't like spoilers, though, only read the first two, since Season Three is coming in 2013. Almost a whole year!!! Seriously, HBO? NO.
I thought that my obsession with this show meant a surefire trip to the mental ward, but as it turns out, half of everyone I know is hooked on Game on Thrones, too. My friends and I watch it together on Facebook and both my brothers, who also love it, can discuss it on the phone with me for hours. As soon as I move back to the City (more on that in a future post), I'm anticipating Sunday night HBO viewing parties where I may or may not dress up as that crazy bitch Cersei Lannister, who I admit is a psycho but at least she gets to see Jaime naked OH HAAAAI.
That... is an awful big sword.
The persuasive powers of GoT are so hypnotic that they may have even convinced Coyote Tits, who has finally caved and has promised to check out Season One. I did have to agree, in return, to read the Harry Potter series, but it's a small price to pay to earn more GoT disciples.
Anyway, the guys at Topless Robot, an awesome site that clearly shares in my fanatic nerd-dom, apparently also can't wait for the third season of GoT. I check Topless Robot a few times a week, and when I went there today, this video came up:
There really isn't much else I can say besides this is the most incredible thing on the internet, ever. Words can't even describe how funny this is. It might be better than porn.
Only one annual event has been known to bring out festive Christmas caroling even though I'm a Jew; my delighted jazz hands and (some may say) psychotic celebratory squeeing. It sure as Hell isn't my birthday anymore- in case you missed memos 1, B and MYSTICAL DIVING NARWHAL, Christ, I'm old.
No, the magical yearly occurrence that causes my unhinged tendencies to emerge in full force is the Discovery Channel's SHARK WEEK!, which I anticipate every year and become more and more breathlessly eager for, especially during the summer as the first day grows closer. I post about this every time it's on because I am not insane at all, in any way.
2012 is SHARK WEEK!'s 25th anniversary, so they are guaranteeing extra dance-worthy moments. Can you name any other television program that has stayed this consistently awesome for two and a half decades? No. You cannot. Law and Order was on for 20 years before it was canceled, and it was pretty cool, but that even started sucking after a while. To prove that SHARK WEEK! is truly the greatest event in TV history, I have teamed up with Trista from Tristachio to bring you the most excellent video you will ever find on the Internet, even counting porn. Enjoy.
PS- we're definitely thinking of making this Youtube deal a monthly Thing. Kittens BAM-POW'ing to Batman? Penguins waddling to Golden Girls? Let us know what you like- we're taking requests, and we're aware of what we just opened ourselves up to.
Haha. "Opened ourselves up."
This year's host of SHARK WEEK! is Philip DeFranco, who apparently is some dude from YouTube who I've never even heard of. Here's his Wikipedia, and I'm less than overwhelmed (so I guess I'm... whelmed?). Though I did just come across this bit of info, and now I can't wait:
"Philip DeFranco, of 'The Philip DeFranco Show' on Revision3 will host the nightly event, asking people to Tweet their votes using hashtags that will appear on the screen and to vote through a live poll on Facebook. The results will be tabulated and the item garnering the most votes that night will fall victim to the shark's 6" long razor-sharp teeth and crushed to bits for all the country to see."
However, everything else about SHARK WEEK! is super badass, as usual. I'm preparing for this like some women plan for their wedding, and I probably just found another reason why I'm single. I have an enormous shark pillow and an Air Swimmer.
Also, although I pleaded with everyone I know to buy me this dress, none of you assholes listened so I guess I'll just have to wait until next year.
Come on! It's a big birthday!
I also bought Shark Bites, like I do every year, only this time, I actually tricked some of my friends into sharing my insanity and they are coming over to enjoy the SHARK WEEK! Drinking Game with me. This Game is a highly celebrated phenomena which includes several steps to getting wasted within ten minutes, including changing the channel when you see those pussy-ass nurse sharks that don't eat people. I often like to add my own varieties such as chugging your drink when you see either a Great White or a Hammerhead, or downing a double shot when a shark attacks an animal or a baby. Bonus if that animal is a seal.
AHAHAHAHAHA YES!!!!!!!
PS- I may or may not have photoshopped a picture of myself, as a shark, with Chompie, the Discovery Channel's SHARK WEEK! mascot.
Guess which one.
Our children would be shark-cellent.
Just in case you guys are thinking of skipping this and watching, I don't know, like CNN or something, I am no longer accepting any of the excuses I got last year, such as:
"I don't have cable."
"I'm getting married that day."
"I'm in the emergency room."
"I'm in prison."
"I'm allergic to fun."
Here are some of the new episodes of SHARK WEEK! that will help you with your decision to call out to work with Ebola:
AIR JAWS APOCALYPSE Sunday, Aug. 12, 9pm
Two idiotic photographers try to get WAY too close to a hulking Great White named Colossus who apparently dominates- and eats- all other sharks in his path. This should be pretty funny.
SHARKZILLA Monday, Aug. 13, 9pm
This would be worth watching if only for the SyFy Channel-ish title alone. This is an entire hour dedicated to the Megalodon, which apparently is the largest shark ever (EVER!). I give it an over-under of seven minutes until I'm completely shit-faced. MYTHBUSTERS' JAWSOME SHARK SPECIAL Monday, Aug. 13, 10pm Mythbusters AND sharks? Two of my favorite things on TV at the same time? Where do I sign? SHARK FIGHT Wednesday, Aug 15, 9pm
There better be pillows and toenail painting, and not some sentimental crap about survivors or some bullshit.
For a complete schedule of all things sharktastic, go to the Discovery Channels' SHARK WEEK! website:
Old episodes of last year's SHARK WEEK! are going on right now on the Discovery Channel, but I'll forgive the fact that your TV isn't on because maybe you didn't know that. I'll be on my couch, all week, with my sharkalicious snacks and my flying remote control shark, already planning 2013's festivities.
Today is a tragic day in the history of children everywhere, chronologically and otherwise:
Baby Beluga has died.
For the three of you (or, perhaps, the foreigners) who are not aware of the existence of Baby Beluga, allow me to induct you into the heartwarming world of timeless stories and songs.
I, like many of my friends, was introduced to Baby Beluga by Raffi, the singer-songwriter who touched all our hearts with joy when he sang and strummed his guitar along to "Mr. Sun," "Down By The Bay," "Willoughby Wallaby Woo" and "Bananaphone." I must have made my parents take me to see Raffi in concert at least 37 times. I also used to act out his songs in their bedroom, except when he sang about the Spider on the Floor. That was kind of fucked up, Raffi. I hate spiders.
Anyway, this morning, when I went to Entertainment Weekly's website, I was unsuspectedly greeted by this horrendous shocker, which I immediately posted on Facebook and then forwarded to everyone I knew.
I feel like half of my life has been a lie, and I've been forced to re-evaluate everything I've learned in my formative years. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loved "Wheels on the Bus."
Will I find out tomorrow that that bus got towed? I was also really into "Frere Jacques" even though I had no idea what the fuck I was saying until a few years later when I found out you had to be French to know what the lyrics meant. But since I was like five and didn't know about this whole "discrimination" concept, I really didn't care. Raffi was amazing, and his songs were captivating. Get a load of his awe-inspiring three-disc miracle here.
I remember when I was in pre-school, Baby Beluga was the greatest form of musical composition ever created. I still remember all the lyrics, and also that it was directly responsible for a time period of about two to three years where I was obsessed with whales. I also recall REALLY wanting to be "older" so I could have a banana phone. I still want, one, actually. That would be badass.
This was a pretty depressing day for my childhood, so I'll probably sit around and watch cartoons for the rest of the night. I suggest you all make yourselves a nice PB&J with the crusts cut off, and I will sign off with this:
Usually I don't give a shit about "celebrities," unless I'm mocking them or imagining what they look like naked.
I'm easily distracted.
Recently, however, no one can get away from this whole obnoxious deal with Kristen Stewart, who apparently "cheated" on her "boyfriend" Robert Pattinson with some 80-year-old married dude or something. Personally I find this whole situation ridiculous, as I have a tough time believing that this whole "relationship" was even real to begin with. This would probably be where my mom launches into her rant about how I think everything is a bullshit marketing conspiracy, but seriously. If you think about it:
Nine thousand years ago, when the first Twilight movie was released, it didn't take long for the public to assume that the two stars were actually dating, justliketheircharactersomgnoway!!!!!!!! This seemed like a logical jump; most of the self-proclaimed "Twi-hards" (REALLY???) appeared to be unable to separate fiction from reality.
EXHIBITS A, B and C:
WOW. Holy shit.
Personally, I never got the whole obsession with any of these kids. That three year old that plays the dog or whatever looks like an alpaca and has the acting abilities of a mop tied to a two-by-four, and the other guy looks like an unwashed lesbian, although admittedly he has gotten a little better looking as he's gotten older.
The one I'm really trying to wrap my head around is Kristen Stewart herself.Admittedly, I'm more sexually attracted to waffle fries than I am to women (although I am, strangely, incredibly attracted to waffle fries), but I just don't get her. Supposedly her Twilight alter-ego has two guys ass-to-mouth in love with her; they couldn't cast somebody who at least has a pair of tits? And also more than one facial expression?
She also seems like she'd be a total cunt. I don't know her personally or anything, but I've seen her interviewed, and she always seems to crack out one sparkling gem after another. A couple of years ago she had the proverbial balls to compare being followed by the paparazzi to being violently raped.
Sadly, I got dragged to Breaking Hymen or whatever the fuck it was called and GOOD GOD was that the biggest piece of absolute shit I've ever seen in my life. Sitting in that theater was akin to birthing a malcontent adult sea lion through my ear canal. The one bright spot was when I fell asleep for ten minutes. Oh, and when I bequeathed unto the audience my own Rifftrax. I don't think they appreciated it nearly as much as I did, though.
Also, thanks to the Nip Clique and my brother, who provided me with my very own drinking game. Some highlights included:
Take a drink every time someone glances past the camera longingly at nothing Take a drink every time someone acts with their nipples and/or hair Take a drink every time you sense another member of the Nip Clique praying for you Take a drink every time you think of another way to fake your own death Fuck it, just take a drink
I don't know how I wasn't dead after five minutes.
Now that we're finally coming up on the last of the Shitlight movies out of what, 712 of them, the cast, despite failing miserably critically and commercially with all of their projects that haven't been part of this shamefully atrocious franchise, is probably desperate to distance themselves from anything having to do with these films. What better way to accomplish this than to "break up" the film series' "actual couple?"
Also, considering the recent announcement that Ho White and the Huntsman is getting the sequel treatment, this is pretty good timing for that franchise as well. Before this story broke, did you know anybody besides his family that could tell you the name of the guy who directed that movie? Well, you do now.
FYI, his wife is an "aspiring" actress. This is probably an awesome PR move for her, too.
Kristen Stewart doesn't give a shit about how she comes off in all this. She's currently the highest-paid actress in Hollywood (sick, I know) with a bunch more projects lined up and already has a rep as a first-class bitch. This will change nothing for her. She could have just let this shit go but with all those stupid "public apologies" and statements this is really her fault that this isn't going away. If this were real at all she would have just focused on repairing her personal life instead of issuing a billionty statements to people who really don't care all that much.
Look, I don't actually know any of these people, nor do I give a fuck about what goes on in their lives. I could be way off base with all of this. But judging from the timing of everything, the whole thing seems a little too fabricated, and kind of makes it seem like the entertainment industry thinks that the general public is a bunch of idiots. This pisses me off, but at least I can take some consolation in the fact that there will definitely not be another Twilight movie ever again. EVER.
Occasionally, because I hate myself, I look at videos like this one that I found on Topless Robot:
Seriously, who comes up with this shit? This is the most truly terrifying glimpse into the future I've ever experienced in my life. All of you who made fun of me for being afraid of Teddy Ruxpin now know what the fuck I was talking about.
This is worse than if Justin Bieber got elected President.
By now I'm sure you all know about
the Justice League of America movie that they're totally making because The Avengers made eleventy billion dollars in like four days. It's probably pretty obvious that if I could already have bought my ticket and
camped out in front of the theater, I would have.
Entertainment Weekly is reporting that it could
potentially do massive damage to The Avengers' current record as the third
biggest movie of all time.
Here are the numbers for the latest
Marvel superhero franchise (and potential franchise) films:
THE AVENGERS
Production Budget (not counting marketing costs): 225M
US Gross (so far): 587M
Worldwide Gross: appx 1.3B
That's a shit-ton of cash, yo.
For a detailed report on mine and my friends' take on this movie, go here. Try to stick around until the end, even after my history lesson on superpowers.
Movies Based On Avengers Characters
(Iron Man, The Hulk, Thor, Captain America):
IRON MAN/IRON MAN 2
Combined PB: 356M
Combined DG: 631.M
Combined WWG: 1.2B
Marvel is currently casting Iron Man
3. Apparently The Mandarin is in it. THE MANDARIN, people!!!!
THIS GUY!!!!!
Sorry, I'll stop.
THOR
PB: 150M
DG: 181M
WWG: 449.3M
Marvel is planning a second Thor
movie. Also, Chris Hemsworth's career has blown up since the first Thor.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
PB: 140M
DG: 176.6M
WWG: 369.7M
I personally thought this film sucked a lot of ass, but I
guess people liked it, since there are plans for a sequel. Also, Captain A
is a wuss and one of the worst superheroes ever. Even Shelly hates him, and Shelly likes everyone. "Oh, I'm small and everyone is mean to me. I'll take some drugs and get some superpowers!" Whatever.
THE HULK
Combined PB: 274.5M
Combined DG: 267M
Combined WWG: 508.6M
It was recently announced that there
are talks for a rebooted franchise built around Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk/Bruce
Banner.
However, there are no plans for a
stand-alone series for Black Widow or Hawkeye. That's retarded. Have you seen Jeremy Renner's arms?
Mm-hm. That is all kinds of Special Ops, if you get what I'm sayin'. And you guys ALWAYS get what I'm sayin' (I'm not very subtle).
X-MEN
(Includes Combined Production
Budgets, Domestic Grosses and Worldwide Grosses for X-Men, X2, X-Men: The Last
Stand and X-Men: First Class)
Combined PB: 570M
Combined DG: 753M
Combined WWG: 1.5B
There will, of course, be a sequel to
First Class. They are also planning an Origins project around Magneto. I pray
that this stars Michael Fassbender. And um, his junk.
Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
WOLVERINE:
PB: 150M
DG: 179.8M
WWG: 374.8M
The only real disappointment of the
X-Men franchise, I heard that they scrapped plans for the Origins series until
the success of First Class, when Fassbender stole the movie and they brought it
back with Magneto.
SPIDER-MAN
(Includes Spider-Man 1, 2 and 3)
Combined PB: 597M
Combined DG: 1.1B
Combined WWG: 2.5B
At the time, the first Spider-Man had
the biggest opening of all time, becoming the first film to pass the 100M mark.
It later became surpassed by its sequel. Spider-Man earned 114M its opening
weekend and 39M in a single day.
The PB on this summer's The Amazing
Spider-Man is 175M, and it's one of the film industry's most highly anticipated films of the
year. My friends and I are personally not that jazzed about it, but I'll still probably see it
anyway. It is a superhero movie.
FANTASTIC FOUR
(Includes Fantastic Four and Fantastic Four: Rise of the
Silver Surfer)
Combined PB: 207.5M
Combined DG: 286.6M
Combined WWG: 618.9M
Marvel is currently rebooting this
series. Hopefully it'll be better than the shit sandwich that was the first one. Also, I'm guessing Chris Evans will NOT make an appearance, although that would be kind of funny.
DAREDEVIL
PB: 80M
DG: 102.5M
WWG: 182.M
ELEKTRA
PB: 65M
DG: 24.4M
WWG: 56.4
Daredevil and Elektra both made about six dollars at the box office. I
heard that Marvel is planning a Daredevil reboot starring Josh Hartnett as Matt
Murdock.
GHOST RIDER
(Includes Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider: Spirit of
Vengeance)
Combined PB: 177M
Combined DG: 167.6M
Combined WWG: 347.4
The PB for the second Ghost Rider was
WAY lower than the first- about 150 million lower, probably due to either A) the performance of the first film or
B) the fact that "starring Nicolas Cage" is enough to keep the entire country away from the movie theater.
DC has less of a well-known lexicon,
and therefore not as many characters to work with. A lot of their upcoming
movies are taken from their graphic novel off-shoot companies (in particular,
Wildstorm, Vertigo and Zuda). Here are the numbers for their most famous, and
recent, franchises. FYI, the CW has also greenlit a series for the DC character
of Green Arrow for this fall. We'll see how well that goes.
I'm not including the Superman and
Batman movies before the 2000's, because those aren't recent enough.
BATMAN
BATMAN BEGINS
PB: 150M
DG: 205.3M
WWG: 372.7M
THE DARK KNIGHT
I feel as if I shouldn't even include
this in here, since The Dark Knight raised the bar for not only comic book
movies, but film in general in regards to acting, writing, directing, cast
credentials, anticipation and box office. HOWEVER- it is, technically a
superhero movie.
PB: 185M
DG: 533.3M
WWG: 1B
The PB for this summer's The Dark
Knight Rises is 250M. THIS is my most anticipated movie of 2012. You could not
pay me enough money not to be there opening day. I'll sneak in if I have to.
The amount of money this movie is going to make is absolutely ridiculous. I
don't even want to know. Also, to prevent against the backlash the Academy
faced when it failed to recognize The Dark Knight, I'm also predicting Oscar
nominations.
UPDATE- guess who just bought her ticket for OPENING NIGHT. IN IMAX.
This girl. OH YEAH.
CATWOMAN
PB: 100M
DG: 40.2M
WWG: 82.1M
This movie, despite being part of the
Batman universe, was a critical mess and failed to perform.
Much like my ex. Zing.
SUPERMAN
SUPERMAN RETURNS
PB: 232M
DG: 200.1M
WWG: 390.9M
This wasn't a certified disaster, but it was
disappointing. Plans for sequels were nixed due to the backlash thrown at the cast, writing and directing. When you think about how awesome the first two Superman movies were, this film did, in fact, blow copious amounts of ass.
Also, my dad and I hated it to the
point where he got really mad and almost asked for his money back. Dad still talks about this. It's like his 'Nam.
2013's reboot Man of Steel has a PB
of 175M. Most Superman fans (and myself) are very apprehensive about this
movie. I'm not sure how well it will do- it's been moved around a few times;
reactions to stills and casting have not been great and people are still pissed about Superman Returns. I'm guessing it's a fail, but I'll form a better opinion closer to the date. I'll also
wait for reviews to decide whether or not to spend my money.
WATCHMEN
PB: 138M
DG: 107.5M
WWG: 184.7M
Everyone said that this couldn't be adapted onto the screen, and they were right. The reaction was awful (except
for the great beginning sequence, the film itself was underwhelming). However, DC are planning sequels, in the form of graphic novels.
Check out how the poster claims that the movie is "From the Visionary Director of 300." Considering the collapse of Watchmen,the abortion that was Sucker Punch and the crap in between those two that I've never even heard of, I'm going with Yeah. No.
Of course, based on the critical and commercial death of Watchmen, DC and Warner Bros. went with the only logical choice to direct Man of Steel- Zack Snyder. Again.
GREEN LANTERN
PB: 200M
DG: 116.6M
WWG: 222M
This bombed pretty badly, although I
heard that DC wants to do a sequel anyway. I didn't see it. Valiant effort, but no dice.
Also, DC has been looking for a
vehicle for Wonder Woman, and this JLA film may be their way of trying to get that off
the ground. They recently tried a TV pilot, and it was a total failure. The
costume looked like one of those dog costumes from Party City. Apparently they've
been trying to get a movie going for years, and that hasn't worked either.
I would totally see this movie. Twice.
If you look at the numbers between
Marvel and DC, Marvel's box office and critical reception are far better than
DC's (not counting The Dark Knight- that movie is an anomaly). They also have a
larger lexicon, which attracts a bigger fanbase and allows for more
movies/spin-offs/franchises/merchandise, and constantly introduce more recent
characters that keep evolving, which equals a younger audience. DC recently
tried this with the "New 52," which rebooted their older franchises
such as Superman, and it was not met with a lot of critical acclaim, or the
best reception from fans. Characters such as Superman and Batman will always be
fan favorites, but older audiences (i.e. parents) are tougher to break into.
In order to even come close to
mirroring the numbers of The Avengers, the JLA movie needs to modernize
itself.
The characters in The Avengers are
played by actors that we know, for the most part: RDJ (hell-O), Scarlett Johansson,
Samuel L. Jackson, Chris Evans.
Stop! In the name of love.
Spider-Man was an Avenger at one point, so if
they choose to include him in the next movie, that would be one more face that
kids would know, since after The Amazing Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield should
expect his career to explode.
With the exception of Christian Bale,
who may not even continue in the role of Batman, the JLA movie will have to
completely rely on new faces and cast a lot of well-known actors. Considering
they can't get any Wonder Woman projects off the ground, this may be more
difficult than we think (I still say the dog would be great). I'd also like to see how the new Superman movie does-
if that backfires, they'll have to retool that role as well.
The characters in the Avengers are
also fairly familiar, even to children- the faces of Iron Man, Captain America,
and the like, even without their stand-alone franchises, have been popular for
decades. Spider-Man, an original Avenger, should fit in well with the mix, if they go that route.
Those in the JLA- Superman, Batman,
Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash and Martian Manhunter, have been rendered less
recognizable over the last few decades. With the exception of Superman and
Batman, who are and always will be classic and beloved icons to children, their
parents and the fanboy/girl universe, the characters have to re-establish
themselves. Wonder Woman, arguably the most popular of the remaining four, strongly
appeals to women, but not so much to a general male populace. Not only that,
but her character generally can’t seem to find its footing in modern pop
culture.
Aquaman and The Flash haven’t had any
solo projects (unless you count the parody in Entourage, which the under-12 set hopefully didn’t watch), and you
would be hard-pressed to find anyone, besides your average Comic Con attendee,
who has heard of Martian Manhunter. (I totally don't count, because I'm a loser) DC has chosen to rectify this by churning
out a ton of movies based on their entire lexicon; however, characters such as
The Flash and Lobo (who most likely won’t appear in the JLA movie, unless he's the villain) are not
generally well known with audiences.
Yikes.
Marvel also did itself a huge service
by hiring Joss Whedon- a god within the sci-fi community- to direct
The Avengers and pen the screenplay, which is basically a no-fail way to get asses in seats. Personally I think everything Whedon's ever put out is pretentious and annoying- save for Cabin in the Woods and Buffy, which is one of the most genius television shows ever created- but even I have to admit that this film is pretty amazing.
Warner Bros. has apparently hired
Will Beall to write the JLA film- he’s in good standing with the studio, having
already tried his hand at Gangster Squad and
both the Logan’s Run and Lethal Weapon remakes- but none of those
have been released yet, so there are no numbers as to anything with his name on
it. These four movies will be Beall's first major studio releases, and this is a huge gamble on the studio’s part.
I'll be at two of those, of course, because my husband is in them. Early stills of Gangster Squad feature him with a dog, and also beating some guy over the head with a tire iron. It's like Drive, in the '40's, with puppies! I'll be in my room. Alone.
This one actually kind of turns me on the most. Does that make me a sociopath?
Not to mention that The Avengers has
already made over a billion dollars worldwide, and it has only been in theaters for a
month and a half. That’s one tough record to break.
The point here is that while I'm sure the Justice League
movie will perform successfully, at least worldwide, there is no way in Hell it's coming close to The Avengers' box office. DC needs to re-familiarize themselves
with a younger audience with shorter attention spans, build a more solid
franchise and have a stronger box office draw with a larger family of
characters.
