Wednesday, November 27, 2013


This Thanksgiving, I've come to the not-shocking-at-all revelation that I'm super lazy, especially considering I haven't put up a post in like eleven years. I really wanted to commemorate the celebration by writing something that expressed my gratitude for all of you, but like I said before, super lazy, but also, super-GENIUS oh haaaai.

Last Thanksgiving, Coyote Tits and I decided to impart our infinite holiday brilliance by providing you all with a guide to dealing with the families of your significant others. I was single at the time, but now I'm not, and I've met the parents several times since then, but I'm pretty sure that his mom has already tried to find out if any/all of her friends have available daughters. So take this advice and do with it what you will.

Because I'm not 100% indifferent, I did decide to return to That Ain't Kosher and put up a blog entry. Unfortunately for you guys, it's pretty much the re-post of last year's Thanksgiving Family Rules. However, it does contain some pretty substantial tips on how to secretly get drunk at your own house, so you're welcome.

If you want a better read, head over to Tits' blog, where she's been way more on top of this than I have.


Tits' acute knowledge is in blue; my agile proficiency is in red.
  1. Do Not bring your dog. I don't care how cute Precious is and that she's normally so well-behaved and fits in your purse. Don't do it. Nugs: Especially if they are Tits' dogs (below). She likes to think she's an awesome mom but it's really because she lets them get away with fucking murder because they're so adorable and she's a pushover.

    As cute as they are, remember that they will hog all the food and/or attention.
  2. Do Not wear sweat pants, Ugg boots and an old tank top. At least try to look like you are making an effort.

  3. Do Not complain about the food. I don't care if it doesn't taste like your grandma's mashed potatoes, and so what that they have oysters at their dinner. Keep your bitching to yourself.

  4. If you have a food allergy tell someone in advance. My sisters are lactose intolerant and so we tell everyone like 20 times in advance or bring our own food. Don't show up and be like "yeah I'm gluten free, vegan and allergic to garlic."

  5. Do Not try to have sex at their house. Can you spell awkward? Nugs: That never happened to me that one time in college or anything. 

  6. Do Not flirt with someone who isn't your date. I don't care if his older brother is Brad fucking Pitt, wait till after Thanksgiving to flirt with him. Nugs: Unless said brother is Baby Goose. Then all bets are totally off, and no one would blame you. Especially me.

  7. Do Not get drunk - Even if the family makes you fucking insane, try to limit yourself to enough wine to just get you tipsy.

  8. Do Not smoke. Anything. Even if offered. This is clearly a trick. Again, this never happened to me, ever.

  9. Do Not bring up taboo topics. Find out what they are in advance and avoid them at all costs. Whether this be religion, politics, cats vs. dogs, Dancing With the Starsor the New York Yankees a.k.a. the Evil Empire, learn what gets your date's family all wonky and DO NOT DISCUSS.

  10. Do know how to dress. CANNOT BE STRESSED ENOUGH. I don't care if your "best feature" is your amazing rack; it's probably not the best idea to shove it in his parents' face. Usually a nice pair of jeans and a dressy top that doesn't put the goods on display is your best bet. Unless, of course, his brother is Baby Goose. See Rule #6.

  11. Do know how to win over every family member individually. While this may seem like the ultimate in horrific situations, don't commit suicide just yet. Basically the key to mastering this art is what I (and the US Army) refer to as "Divide and Conquer:"
THE MOM: This is the most difficult, since showing up at her Thanksgiving feast is an admission that you're being railed on the regular by her baby boy (doesn't matter what his birth order is; he will ALWAYS be her baby boy). The trick to winning over his mother is to go on and on about how amazing her son is (not in that way, because GROSS). Also offer to help out during dinner as often as you can, especially with dishes. Getting his mom to love you is by far the most important because if she hates you, it only goes downhill from there. Tits: Seriously, I've been there with a mom hating me. I always like to volunteer to bring something like cookies or wine.

THE DAD: The males of the family are always easier for me, probably because I'm half a dude myself and I realize now how weird that made me sound. The best strategy for the father is innocent flirting- "oh, Mr. Gosling, I see where your son gets his great ass. Eyes! I meant eyes." Just kidding. Never talk about anyone's ass. Keep it to neutral topics such as intelligence and snappy dressing, or radiation levels.

If this is any of his relatives let me know. I'll be right over.
SIBLINGS: Dealing with siblings is usually more manageable due to the fact that your date will probably brief you on the situation prior to your arrival. If one of their brothers or sisters is exceptionally unbearable you'll most likely have been prepared for it way in advance. For the regular, more normal siblings, mastering them should be relatively (see what I did there?) more simple: 
  • BROTHERS: Brothers are pretty painless- just sit down in front of the TV and watch the football game with them. If you're a fan, don't hold back with the commentary. If you're not, let them know that you're "trying to get into it." Also, it helps if you're moderately attractive. Just sayin. 
  • SISTERS: Contrary to what my scintillating personality may have you believing, I am, in fact, of the feminine persuasion, so I am aware that the best way to charm a woman is to let her talk about herself. Find out from your date what she's into and ask her questions, and let her dominate the conversation. You're in.
12. Do use this handy guide from with your own family. You'll thank us later.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and remember that there is always coffee, booze, and football to get you through the holidays. And if not, there's always FIRE!