Saturday, August 20, 2011

SMAC: The Shellator Edition

A lot of you may be wondering what happened to this month’s edition of SMAC (I say “may” because we all know that really isn’t the case. Please just validate me).

The reason you didn’t see anything hilarious or painful on the 2nd of this month is because we’ve all been busy concocting a mad scheme to humiliate celebrate everyone’s favorite Nip Cliquer (there was a poll), Shelly from Starting Over.

Her birthday is today, and in the grand Nip Tradition of forcing all of us to come to terms with the aging process, we decided to change the name of the anagram from Shitty Movie Awareness Club to Shelly Movie Awareness Club. You’re welcome, Shells. <3<3<3

For the last couple of months, there have been emails, spreadsheets (of course), smoke signals and carrier pigeons in order to get this party started. So not only did we manage to pull this off in time for The Shellator’s actual birthday, I’m totally impressed that we did this completely behind her back. And Shells, if you did actually figure this out, please just let us have this.

Not like I would have an issue with anyone I got paired up with, but I’m stoked to be posting for Rio. I also convinced Risha to add in some commentary, so it’s kind of like the best threesome in the history of blogging. If you feel like skipping the rest of this intro, you can scroll down and read Ginny’s review of Short Circuit, whenever she gets it to me. BTW, the entire Nip Clique have been campaigning for months to get Gin voted Featured Blogger, and it finally worked. Mob mentality FTW!

Anyway, you can see the list of bloggers who worship The Shellator below, along with their choices of Shelly-based movies. We’re all waiting for her to pretend to be pissed off, but then be like, “Oh dear!” and be super embarrassed but also secretly laugh.

We love you, Shells- we hope this is your best birthday ever! And uh, please vlog your face when you read this post.


GINNY with Short Circuit
NUGS and RISHA with Beauty and the Beast
RIO with Scooby Doo
LILY with Alice In Wonderland
COYOTE ROSE with 2009’s Star Trek
MANDY MOORE with Now & Then
TABS with Star Wars
HARLEY with The Aristocats

And now- Ginny brings it.

This month for the shitty movie review ring we're mixing it up. First of
all it's Shelly birthday! Happy birthday Shelly! Second of all we picked movies to review that remind us of Shelly. Lastly, this is not a shitty movie and if you tell me you don't like this movie I'm going to think there is something wrong with you.

Editor’s note: I TOTALLY agree. This movie is awesome.

When I think of Shelly I think of cats and animals. If a live robot came to Shelly's house I have no doubt she would take it it in and have a little robot pet. That's not a very good hint to the movie I'm reviewing so I'll just tell you. In honor of Shelly I'm reviewing Short Circuit. Johnny Five is the original Wall-E!

In case you haven't seen this classic 80s movie this is what you need to know. There's a robot (number 5) that gets struck by lightning and becomes alive. He escapes from Nova and Nova wants their pricey robot back. Steve Guttenburg along with some random indian dude that has the best lines in the whole movie try to get the robot back since they created the robot and their boss is pissed.

Now Ally Sheedy takes in Number Five because her character Stephanie takes in every animal under the sun! She's got cats, skunks, dogs, bunnies, geese, kittens, and now a robot who she thinks is an alien. Yeah because my first impression when I see a robot is that it must be an alien. Stephanie is the reason why this movie reminds me of Shelly. How many cats can I have? Not enough. At least this is what I imagine Ally Sheedy says in this movie because this woman has a zoo in her house.

Now the Indian engineer sneaks in these lines that have me dying laughing.

"I am thinking she is a virgin, or at least she used to be."

"With excitement like this who is needing enemas?"

Driver: "He can't shoot us with that lazer can he?"
Ben: "I am not knowing!"
Driver: "Would he kill me if I stop?"
Ben: "Who is to say?"
Driver: "Will he kill me if I don't stop?"
Ben: "Again I am shrugging!"

At the end of this movie Steve Guttenberg invites Alley Sheedy to live him on some huge amount of land his family has in another state. She hesitates for five seconds and then asks him how he feels about animals. That's right Guttenberg, Ally Sheedy is taking all her animals with her and you can't stop her!  Shelly should be cast in the remake.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I'll Probably Die Alone. NBD.

My attention span blows today, so while I was supposed to be creating documents for work, I decided to screw around on the Internetz. There's this one website I always go to,, because it's an excellent source of pop culture headlines, shirtless Ryan Gosling pics and general snarkiness.

 Actually, I should probably watch my surfing in case I get fired. Oh haaaai Employee of the Month.

Anyway, I'm constantly on Pajiba because they post a whole bunch of shit that's either current (movie/TV news), thought-provoking (promising actors that have since lost their relevancy) or include more sarcasm and witty commentary than an early episode of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

But sometimes, there's paranoia-inducing, mind-blowing shit like the crap you see here.

The worst offender is Dustin, who's always writing about shit I definitely should not be subjecting my inner child to on a daily basis. I should have learned my lesson back in November when I clicked on a link for a commercial that he had dubbed awkward enough to cause arousal, yet also fear. I was so consumed with similar conflicting emotions that I decided to write a post on this anomaly and share it with the world. Um, you're welcome?

Last night, he posted this, which I made the mistake of clicking on right before bed:

Do not be misled by the angelic title. This will fuck you up.

You'd think that would be enough to convince me to stay away, but I am an idiot. Dustin's newest article was seemingly a progress report on the post-Harry Potter career of actor Daniel Radcliffe, so I figured there was nothing that could possibly cause me to lose any sleep or to send me to any kind of soundproof, padded room. Well, guess again. Instead it contained a trailer for his new movie:

A few weeks ago I made a promise to a few of my friends that I would finally check out the Harry Potter franchise, seeing as how I had never read any of the books or seen any of the films.

Yeah, no. That's not happening.

Dolls are terrifying. Look at their faces. They're waiting for me to die so they can steal my soul and that's how people go to Hell. Unless of course the clapping monkeys kill you first. That's how they roll, yo. None of this "inanimate object" BS. Don't be fooled.

I can't be the only one who is probably going to be really fucked up by this trailer. Who writes shit like this? Who walks around thinking this is OK? What the- no. Just no.

I hate you so much.