Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I haven’t done Bloggerstock in a while, but I felt like I should contribute something because Alex told me in chat that it was the one year anniversary this month, and hey, I like commemorating shit. My Aural Sex column turns one this month, as well, and SMAC is celebrating its half-year birthday (you can do that, because I say so). There’s a lot going on in June, people. Pump up the valium.

Anyway, the last time I did Bloggerstock I got paired up with Mandy Moore and Molls so it would be pretty impossible for them to match that one. (BTW, Mollie has been going through some pretty rough shit as of late, so if all of you could keep her in your heart, that would be really awesome.)

HAHAHA. Wrong. For the Bloggerstock Anniversary Edition, I get to post for K. Syrah while I host Risha on That Ain’t Kosher! It’s like, are you kidding me??? Boner parade! (PS, Rish- I should have guessed that you liked it on top.)

You can read my contribution to this month's Bloggerstock Edition on Shoes Never Worn, but before you do that, dive into this helping of sexy right here. Picture Risha saying this stuff with her hot accent.


Hi, I’m Risha and I blog on you can read me anything, which is a collection of rants, moaning and general nonsense. Which also sums up my Bloggerstock post for this month! I’m hosting Nyx this month; so do go read her post, which is full of awesome. Between Nyx & Nugs, I’m in a fantastic BlogSandwich!

The theme for this month is “Before there were blogs” to commemorate Bloggerstock’s first anniversary! We’re meant to dig up our old diaries and journals and post a piece from our former, non-blogging selves. 

Unfortunately, I don’t have any of my truly awful “I’m sixteen and I hate the world” journals with me here. I do, however, have my “I’m 21 and I’m travelling and I am such a pretentious little shit” journals.

I am truly sorry for putting you through this.


Traveling always makes me long for another few hours of traveling time, to discover beautiful new cities and, in some way, make them mine. On trains or side roads, I hear so many accents and languages, people who seem like they had interesting things to say or the kind of energy that would envelop you in laughter and fun.

I wish I could have known them.

An Autumn Window In Den Haag

Perhaps in a parallel universe, we shall have been good friends or perhaps even lovers.

But, for now, a surreptitious glance shall do as we go about our lives, conversations bumping against each other and your voice cutting through all the chatter & train sounds that overwhelm every journey.

Your voice is as distinct as your ice blue eyes.

This is every French cliche, ever. Versailles, France.

I am listening in to conversations I don’t understand in languages I don’t know. There is something that is both humbling and liberating about being unsure of whether you can communicate even if you wanted to. My mumbled “Vielen Dank” ,“Merci beaucoup”, “Dank je wel” , “Gracias”, “Köszönöm” at every held-open door and pushed-ticket window, is jumbled up in English pronunciation and terrible language skills. Yet, people smile with broad grins and nods at every failed attempt to not butcher a language alien to my tongue.

On trains to somewhere else, a backpack overhead and feet aching, I play “Guess the language” in my head.
I will never know if I was right and if I won.

Brugge really is a fucking fairytale town. Brugge, Belgium.

I have a camera full of monuments. Places seen on films that broke my heart or made me sing, backdrops to famous scenes and dancing montages.

And now, they are suffused with a knowing, a touch, and a breath of all that it has seen and held. A shared space, a known story.

The Eiffel Tower, Paris, France

I walk around these spaces on gloomy afternoons, the sky overcast and threatening. People stop to ask if I need help with my map and I am stunned by the humanity that surrounds me.

People love their cities, their towns, and little foreign girls who look lost.

I was drenched in a downpour, watched the rubbish bin tumble down a cobbled street and hail smash into windscreens.

Only stepping into a new place exhilarates me more.

The bridge over the Danube, connecting the cities of Buda and Pest. Budapest, Hungary.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


A few years ago I met this guy. For the sake of this post (and hilarity), we'll call him "Hands."

Hands and I had one of those friendships where everyone assumed that we were dating. We always showed up at parties together, and he gave me rides home. We followed each other around. There was obvious flirting, verbally and physically. If we were at a table together I would practically sit in his lap. We were both definitely in the stage of serious like.

Of course, this is me, so nothing ever happened. No clothes ever came off, except coats. The only deep penetration I ever experienced with this guy was purely mental. For reasons I won't get into here, because the list is both long and irrelevant to the story, we decided not to be together.

He did kiss me once, when I told him that I might be moving to LA for work (we all know how that turned out). It was only a kiss, and it never led to anything else, but it was really good. Like, really good. I didn't fall over or anything, but my theory that we would have amazing chemistry was pretty much confirmed. That made it even worse when I found that I did have to leave, and we had to say goodbye to each other permanently, adding "living 3000 miles across the country" to our reasons of why a relationship would never work. It sucked hard.

Anyway, a few weeks after I left for LA, I was sitting in my apartment alone, thinking about how my job was horseshit, all my friends were back East and how I had wasted my opportunity with Hands. We hadn't communicated since (an unspoken decision on both of our parts), and I had spent a lot of time thinking about him, due to the fact that my employers gave me no work and I sat around doing nothing all day. I signed onto Facebook to see how life was continuing without me and noticed that he was awake (before noon? On a Tuesday? That was bizarre) and had posted a Facebook status.

I forget what it said, but the first thing I realized was that in lieu of "there," he had put "their." I was mesmerized, yet horrified. Dude. You are TWENTY-NINE. Employed (kind of). Educated. What the fuck is this?

I immediately called Hurricane, a really close friend who also knew Hands and had spent the past few weeks letting me ramble about what an idiot I was for not at least trying anything out.

"Hey. How you holding up?"
"Have you been on Facebook today?"
"Not yet. What's up?"
"He used the wrong 'there.'"
"Oh. Shit."
"So. I guess you're cured."
"Oh yeah."
"Going out tonight?"

I know this makes me weird, but terrible grammar both baffles and horrifies me. A guy could be Ryan Gosling's twin and if he misappropriates the English language I will just walk away.

OK, maybe not.
A while ago I met a guy who was so dumb that I slept with him just to get him to shut the fuck up; now I would have probably just excused myself from the conversation. In my defense though, he was a work of art.

There was also, in case we all forgot, my saga with Brainy Smurf, which almost forced me to take a torch to humanity in general.

Correct usage of commas gets me hot. If a guy mistreats his run-ons, what's he going to do to his clauses? Apostrophes are big with me, too. Days of the week do not need them at the end! They are for possession, people!

On a related note, I recently met someone who kicked my ass across the room at Words With Friends, and because of this, I now want to roofie him so hard that he wakes up in a different state with his pants around his neck. (PS, Nip Clique- he actually made a roofie joke. Start our genetic mash-up ASAP.) Proper handling of semi-colons guarantees at least one future alimony check, so it'll be interesting to see where this goes, if I ever see him again.

Probably not, since now he knows I'm certifiably insane.

Friday, May 13, 2011


It's not Tuesday.

I will defend myself by stating that this post is NOT LATE. First of all, it's Friday the 13th today, so I figured this was a good day to post instead of the usual Tuesday. Because I'm scary. BAM.

I also wanted to give you even more time to get your stuff in. And only three more of you actually did it. Really, you guys? Really? You had like two months. FAIL. No more waiting. You lose.

For those that did manage to send me your music picks, you are all countless shades of awesome. Thank you for participating in this month's edition of Aural Sex. I can't pay you or anything, because my first paycheck hasn't come in yet and I'm surviving on tap water and soup, but um... YAY? Do you accept sweaty hugs? Or straddling?

Anyway, for May's Guest Minions Edition of Aural Sex, I recruited some of my friends to send me their favorite bands and most anticipated summer albums. I would have done it myself, but you all get more than enough of me every month, and besides, I'm equal parts busy and lazy.

So, uh, yeah. I'm out of funny today because I'm working fourteen hour days and barely even remembered to post this. So here you go. I highly recommend that you download all most of these.

PS- I totally wasn't kidding about the straddling. I don't have a lot going on.

Allison was my very first guest post so I'm psyched to have her at That Ain't Kosher. Despite being from Canada, her taste in music puts mine to shame. Fun fact about Allison and I (put the camera away, you disgusting pervs!)- I wrote for her "iTunes Playlist Tuesday" last month when I sent her a Birthday Playlist. Keep on giving, yo.

1) LungsFlorence + the Machine: Strong female voices are few and far between in the music biz, which is why when one comes along I get super excited. Florence Welch has some powerful pipes - but it's not just pop music, there's real heart and grit to her songs. I can listen to this album from start to finish and not skip a track.

2) Eureka, Mother Mother: This band from Vancouver, British Columbia (that's in Canada) features a male lead, two females who play keys and sing harmony vocals, a bassist and drummer. The music is fun and dancy - only with clever lyrics and interesting vocals. I loved their last album, O My Heart, so much much that I was worried about this one disappointing me - but it did not.

3) ColliderSam Roberts: This album just came out, but I love it already. This is the Montreal artists' fourth full length album, and each one has had a slightly different sound. I'd say this record is his most rock & roll yet. The single, "I Feel You," is probably the most bluesy and gritty track he's ever released. I've seen Sam live several times, but I'd love to see tracks from this album live.

Thanks for inviting me to help with your music column Nugs!

Tits is one of my best bloggy friends ever. How much do I love this girl? Let's count the ways.

1) She sends me sexy texts about office supplies (yellow legal pads give me fetish dreams)
B) The Nip Clique recently pooled our 35 cent life savings together and sent her a birthday gift basket of chocolate and midgets. (Just kidding about the chocolate)
Meerkat) Have you seen her legs? She is so hot. 
BONUS) Even though she likes Fallout Boy (I know.), I am still letting her post for me. Take a look:

Okay so like three months weeks ago, Nugs asked me to give her the three Cd's I am most anticipating in the next couple months. And like the awful friend I am, i am just now getting it to her. Yeah, I blame that life thing i sometimes have some semblance of. Since Nugs already covered the epic new Foo Fighters Album, i am going to leave it off my list even though my heart beats with death of a thousand suns for the Foo Fighters.

Vices and Virtues by Panic! at the Disco (March 22): Okay so technically I already own this album. I totes bought it the day it was released. Mock if you must (and most of you must) I love Panic almost as much as I loved Fall Out Boy (I'm still in mourning over the break-up). Even though they are now a duo instead of a quartet, it doesn't feel like anything is missing from the sound. Vices and Virtues is the perfect mix of A Fever You Can't Sweat Out and Pretty. Odd. It tends to fall back on the original Panic! sound but with some sweet notes from their foray into beatles-esque that was their second CD.
This Loud Morning by David Cook (June 28): So I totally admit I still watch American Idol, and I voted for David Cook. I was pretty much won over by him when he turned Lionel Richie's Hello into an Emo song. I'm excited to see what he's going to do for his sophomore Cd. He debuted the lead-off song The Last Goodbye on Idol a couple weeks ago, and it was hands down the best song sung on Idol in the last year. He has a talent and a musicality that current Idol contestants are just lacking.
Gravity Happens by Kate Voegele (May 24): Singer-Songwriter-Musician and current One Tree Hill cast member Voegele has been hard at work on her third CD. Voegele has a very current interesting sound similar to Sara Bareilles, with a little bit of a harder edge. Voegele plays both piano and guitar and she could certainly be the new face of Chick-Rock ala Alanis Morissette except with a less angry-lesbian vibe. I love her second Cd, A Fine Mess, and i'm sure i'm going to love this one too.
Bonus: Somewhere in the Stratosphere by Shinedown (May 3): Not really a CD of new music, Shinedown is releasing a 2 CD/ 2DVD set of music from live sets from both their acoustic and electric tours. I happen to love their last album, Sound of Madness, even though i was never really a Shinedown fan previously. So i'm excited to get a listen to this album, i expect the competing versions of stripped down to electric are going to cause me to have some sort of eargasam. I willing to place bets that i like the acoustic version a little bit better.


I don't know David that well, but he seems pretty cool. He also informed me that this is his first guest post, so essentially, I stole a dude's V-card. I wish it were the first time. 

HAHAHA! No, seriously.

1.  The Dears - Super amazing band out of Montreal, Canada.  The lead singer (Murray Lightburn) has been called 'the black Morrissey'.  That's about as good a description as any.  Their lyrics are amazing, and the music is intense.  Check this out, you will thank me.

2.  Counting Crows - Call me a wuss if you must, but I LOVE Counting Crows.  The first time I head them was many years ago.  The song was Angels Of The Silences, and it was unlike anything else I'd heard in popular music at the time.  I was singing along to it, even though I didn't even know the right words.  No other band has done this for me since.  If I could pick one band to create a concept album based on my life, Counting Crows would be it.  Their songs somehow cut down to the emotional core of things better than any other band I know.  If all you know of them is the hits like Mr. Jones and Long December, you're missing out on some even better stuff.

3.  Yeah Yeah Yeahs - M.A.P.S. is just the beginning, people.  It's music to dance/commit crimes/make love to.  Pure, unfiltered awesome, straight to your eardrums.  This is the kind of stuff I like to play if I want to get amped up before going out somewhere to party.  Granted, I don't go out all that much, but the point stands.  Plus, I think the singer (Karen O) is totally hot in an alternative kind of way.   

Lily is my heterosexual wife. Whenever I think of her, this happens:

She lives in Chicago so I am definitely planning on visiting her. Soon. Eventually. For now I'll have to settle for sharing a blog with her because I am BROKE.

BTW, she has a SUPER important job interview this week so you all should go over there and send her inappropriate vibes. 

Hola, I’m Lily from Is it too early for a martini? And I volunteered to write for Aural Sex to ramble about my favorite bands. Not only because they’re so awesome, but because every time I talk about them people give my blank stares as if I had the energy to make up imaginary bands. So, thank you Nugs, for letting me bore your readers with the following:

Favorite Band 1: Brand New
This is a band I feel I grew up with. I started listening to them in high school when their first album Your Favorite Weapon came out. It was all angst-y emo stuff about friends fucking each other over. I thought it was an appropriate soundtrack to those eventful years. Then we both grew up a little more. In 2003, the high school sophomore me bought Deja Entendu. Still kind of angst-y, still kind of emo, but not as much. Then The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me came out. I copped it because I heard one song on TV, and was like “oh man! That’s by Brand New?!” As I was listening to it, I thought damn, it’s like Jesse Lachey was following me around this year … One day I was browsing around my favorite nerdy electronics store and saw their latest album Daisy. I bought it. But let me just say, according to my iTunes play count, I haven’t really heard any of it. 

Fave Songs:
“Sic Transit Gloria … Glory Fades”
“The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot”
“Soco Amaretto Lime”
“You Won’t Know”

Favorite Band 2: The Pipettes
If you like awful music you’ll like these girls. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not BAD per se … it’s just horrible British Pop… or good British Pop… depending how you look at it. The first time I heard The Pipettes, I was in my friends’ dorm room. Procrastinating because I didn’t want to go finish my lab because I thought it was awkward that I had just boned my lab partner… and it wasn’t even that good. My friend was back from doing a study abroad in Austria, so she was very eager to introduce us to new things. She played this little song called “Pull Shapes”. This quickly became our anthem for pre-partying frat party pre-parties (basically we pre-partied the pre-party). What made me fall in love with them? They wear polka-dots. I love polka-dots. They also have little hand movement for their songs. There’s instructional videos for them on YouTube. I may or may not have spent 2 days learning them… 

Fave Songs:
“Our Love Was Saved By Spacemen”
“Pull Shapes”
“One Night Stand”
“It Hurts To See You Dance So Well”

Favorite Band 3: The Click Five
Honestly, I don’t know how or why I started listening to them. All I remember was that it was my sophomore year in college, and I was hanging out in my dorm room listening to Pandora and then BAM! My ears were graced by catchy pop songs. They’re the first band I play when I’m sad and need to be cheered up, stat. Plus, they’re just really good to listen to when just having a really chill day.

Fave Songs: 
“Time Machine” - which was used for a Disney Theme Parks or Universal Studios commercial.
“Just The Girl”
“Say Goodnight”
“Good Day”

Thanks, guys, for getting me your music picks. And also thanks to Tits for not mentioning Fallout Boy (much). I have no idea what I'm doing for June, when Aural Sex celebrates its first birthday (!), but I can promise that... well, I can promise I'll put a column up. That's all I got.

Monday, May 02, 2011


I am SUPER stoked for this month's edition of the Horrible Movie Blogring because:

A) We've FINALLY chosen a name! After a lot of arguing, tears and a massive, nipply slumber party where vodka and water balloons made their requisite appearances, I give you the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, a.k.a SMAC. Special thanks to Coyote Tits for letting me basically cop her idea for myself (PS- it's her birthday this week! Feel free to drop by her blog and leave lots of inappropriate pics. She likes ponies. Hairless ones).

2) Have you guys seen the list of participants this month? It makes my loins eyes wet. We have the regular psychos who actually take the time each month to sacrifice their dignity, and now, for the first time, I have almost the entire Nip Clique in on this. When I was preparing the swap list for May I almost cried tears of happiness. I am seriously THAT EXCITED.

Speaking of the swap list, every time the reviews go up I inevitably get complaints that I left people out. Well, guess what? When this 'ring started in January I had four people, including myself. Now I have between 15-20 every month, and I can't remember who goes where (hmmm... sounds sexy. Call me <3). No more assuming- if you want in, send me a goddamn email, or you're not invited.

Squirrel) Not only do I get to post my assault on From Justin to Kelly for Sara Nips (SQUEEEE!!!!!), but this month I got to host Tsa for the first time ever!

Tsa is another one of my best bloggy friends because she was actually insane cool enough to show me around San Francisco when I visited a few months ago. If she weren't so awesome I would have wondered if there were something wrong with her. There probably is- I mean, she did willingly hang out with me, more than once.
If this pairing gets you totally hot, BTW, you might also want to pick up the third issue of her zine, Be About It- it features a guest post from me about dreams. It's only $2.50, plus shipping.

So, here's Tsa's contribution to SMAC: The Pop Stars Edition. Check out my review on Nips' blog, and don't forget to email me for next month! I'm at thataintkosher83@gmail.com, and emails are due by Friday, May 20th.

Oh snap, my entry this month for the Trainwreck Movie Fest is going on Nugs' blog. I had better not fuck this up. If you don't know me by now, you ain't never ever gonna know me (woooooo-ooooooo). Psyche, I'm Alexandra of the Tsaritsa sez. Check out my site if you like deh funnies.

Pop stars, pop tarts, poop stars. When was the last time you saw a good movie starring an icon from popular music? Take a minute and think about it, I'll wait. When I try to rack my brain over good pop star movies I come up with that one Billie Holiday movie with Diana Ross playing the blues legend, Lady Sings The Blues, and the Selena film with Jennifer Lopez, but after that I'm at a loss. Maybe those two movies were good because the roles the singers played weren't all that different from their day jobs. Remember that Mariah Carey movie? I blanked it out from my memory. I'm just trying to say that pop starlets aren't usually amazing actors, and the movies they chose to take part in usually suck the big one-- and that's not saying they suck in a horrendously hilarious way but in a blinding myself by gouging my eyes out with a spork kind of way. All of that aside, what if I told you that a movie existed that is amazingly bad as it is superbly thrilling and features not only pop stars but rappers? Lots of them. Do I have your attention?

State Property 2 is the movie I was hinting at. Written, directed and starring Dame Dash, co-founder of Roc-A-Fella Records, which explains a lot as SP2 is kind of like a big wank-off to Dame's importance in the music and crime world. If you've never heard of him before but you know of Roc-A-Fella Records (the other co-founder is Jay-Z), don't be too hard on yourself. I'm here to hold your hand for the rest of the post if you need me to. Kidding. No one cares or ever talks about Dame Dashbecause he's an asshole as Kanye West will tell you. Getting back on track, SP2 is a sequel but watching the first State Property is not a requirement, and actually I would warn against it. The sequel is a vast improvement over the original; it's funny and silly where the first film took itself too seriously and fell very flat in its delivery. The first time I viewed SP2 my mom happened to be in the living room with me reading through a magazine, but I kept catching her looking up to watch the movie. She even laughed a few times. SP2 is mom-approved, if that tells you anything.

Aside from Dame and his ego (both prominent figures) the movie also stars Beanie Sigel, Freeway and Omillio Sparks, three Philly rappers, as well as Mariah Carey (as a high-maintenance girlfriend), Ol' Dirty Bastard of the Wu-Tang Clan (as a snot-nosed burger flipper), and a slew of other hip-hoppers that I could name but I'll spare you. The story-line is incredibly weak and pretty much non-existent. Have you ever listened to a skit on a hip-hop album? If you answered yes, good. If not, go download some hip-hop albums before you continue reading this. The movie is basically a series of set-ups for silly skits, a la "Deeez Nuuuts" and "The Doctor's Office" on Dr. Dre's game-changing album The Chronic. Some of the skits in SP2 are really funny, spit-take funny at times, but even the most hilarious selection of skits can feel empty when there isn't a plot to carry them.

To end this on a positive note, State Property 2 is the kind of movie that you watch when you have a bunch of friends over and you want to talk and have fun but also have something ridiculous going on in the background. According to iMDB the word "fuck" is used in the film about 270 times, so that's a good drinking game right there.