TITS FROM LAST NIGHT

If you guys have been reading this blog long enough, you've probably noticed an abundance of references to my (other) favorite blogosphere nerd goddess, Coyote Tits. And if you haven't noticed my subtle hints to meander on over there, Christ, what do I have to do? Booby shots? Mail-order chocolate? Booby shots? Lap dances? Booby shots? (I am not above any of these, BTW)

Ever since we both started working boring desk jobs last year, the majority of mine and Tits' occupational hours have been consumed with the verbal fellatio that we constantly bestow upon each other. Looking back over our conversations, I've realized that we are so lucky that we've found each other because we have definitely saved two other people. Even Tits' boyfriend has pretty much admitted that if you go for one of us, you're pretty much stuck with both. Hey, package deal, yo.

A few weeks ago, I got the idea to start a section of That Ain't Kosher entitled "Tits From Last Night" based on our deranged, demented discussions. This was actually originally going to be a Tumblr spinoff of both our own blogs, but Tits reminded me that I never finish anything, so I figured this was probably a safer bet. Creating this section took virtually no effort- I basically went through all of our blogs (That Ain't Kosher, Dancing on the Bar of Life and our newest, joint venture with Ginny and LilySnark & Sex), every single Facebook conversation we've had and even some of our texts and emails. It really wasn't that difficult considering my job had given me absolutely no fucking work to do at all, as per usual. Or really, I had dubbed the tasks that they had assigned me to be remedial and therefore unworthy of my time. Combined with the fact that I totally copped the name from Texts From Last Night, this basically added up to become the most unoriginal project ever on the internet. Ever.

Considering that Tits and I go through withdrawal every time we don't talk for a 24-hour period, this page will probably be updated pretty regularly. Think of it as a Texts From Bennett with more boobs and better grammar. So, enjoy. Or, we're sorry.

On: Religion
Tits: I bought you the best present!!
Nugs: I like presents!!!
Nugs: Oh my God, that was totally Jewish of me. I mean I love you.

On: Pop Culture
Nugs: I just found out that Matt Smith from Doctor Who loves Breaking Bad.
Tits: OK...
Nugs: And his favorite band is RADIOHEAD OHMYGODHCLOTIRISTRIADHLULGHLXRIASOGKYSKGSOSYPUD
Tits: If you start sending me pictures of him and Ryan Gosling, I will kill you.

So last night I was on Google Hangouts with Tits, her boyfriend Imac and Imac's 18-year-old sister, who I'm pretty sure is scarred for life now. I love getting on video chat with Tits, because even though it mostly makes me sad because I miss her face SOHARD, it also provides me with even more fodder for pages like this one. Last night was the first time Imac joined in, and even though he had a pretty good idea of what he was getting himself into, I don't really think he could have mentally prepared himself for anything like what went down this time (hahaha. "Went down"). Watching Tits and I together is like Jane Goodall observing chimps in the wild, so it takes a special breed of endurance to deal with the two of us.

As far as I know, Tits still has a boyfriend, but that was a good 15 hours ago, so things may have changed since then.

The following is from a conversation between 7:30pm and 9:30pm. 




On: New Jersey (Enough Said)
Nugs: I'm going to buy you a house. It's worth 5 million dollars. All expenses paid and you never have to work again. It's in New Jersey.
Tits: (pause) Where in New Jersey?
Nugs: Does it matter?
Tits: (briefer pause) Can I sell it on Ebay?
Nugs: No. You have to live there. Forever.
Tits: Oh. Then no.
Nugs: Dude. 5 million dollars. All expenses paid!
Tits: Yeah. Still no.

On: Stalking (It's What's For Dinner)
Nugs: Did you know they make a chair with Ryan Gosling's face?
Tits: Yeah, you've sent me the link 27 times. (Disclaimer: that is a lie.) 
Nugs: OK, so if I buy myself that chair, I'm a creepy stalker. If you buy me that chair, I can't help it; it was a present. 
Tits: Yeah, I don't think so.
Nugs: "What are you doing tonight?" "Oh, nothing. Just sitting on Ryan Gosling's face. What are you doing?"
Tits: Gross.
Imac: You should find out where he lives and make that happen yourself.
Nugs: "Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform?"
Tits: What are you doing? Don't encourage this behavior with her.

BLOG-GASMS

Nugs You should make him buy you a pony
Tits I'd just settle for flowers
Nugs But ponies are so cute
Tits Where would I keep a pony?
Nugs As your friend, I volunteer my house
Tits Uh where would you keep a pony in your apartment?
Nugs OK, you're missing the point
Tits No I get the point, I just don't get the praticality
Nugs Is that really what's important here? THERE ARE PONIES
Tits Really? Fuck the pony, it's going to look way tiny under me
       A horse would be better
Nugs I've never once had the desire to fuck a pony. That would hurt
Tits I mean riding it. Ponies are tiny and I'm tall
Nugs We seriously should make a book out of our conversations

Nugs They have trampolines?
          Are you fucking with me?
Tits No
        This is an actual sport, it's already given out its medals
Nugs No it's not
          Just because it's played doesn't mean it's a sport
Tits I mean it doesn't say Olympic sports
        It's Olympic games
Nugs Trampoline isn't a game
          It's something five year olds do in the backyard
         And walking? Is there a medal if you can do that and chew gum at the same time too?
Tits Only if you are playing Olympic ping-pong
Nugs OK, stop
          This shit can't be real
          Why isn't napping in the Olympics?
Tits hahahahaha
Nugs I would win all the medals
         All of them

Tits: Dude, we'd medal in procrastinating. Actually we would never show up to get the medals.

Tits: I was grateful to end the date as early as I could without being mean about it, and immediately called Nugs to tell her everything. I have to say the best part of this whole debacle is the series of texts I have been getting from Nugs about it. Some of her quips include:
-Are you chained in a basement?
-Are you still alive? Was he waiting outside with a Photoshop of your first eight kids?
-If I haven't heard from you in a few days and there's a new purse called The Coyote Rose, I'm putting
out an Amber Alert.
-Hiding in the Bushes is the new chocolates. I should know. I mean. Wait.
-He's like John Cusack in Say Anything, only with a rotting animal carcass.

On: Neuroses FTW (a.k.a. Nugs Is Single Because...)
Nugs: Who baked him cookies? He doesn't have a sister. Who else is baking for him?
Tits: Bitch they are probably a package of store bought Oreos


FACEBOOK GEMS:


Tits I think your mom had this book:




Nugs 100% yes.

Nugs Chloroform. We should make it a thing.

Nugs I'm like a seven year old boy.
Tits I'm going to agree with you.


Nugs When you go to the "iWork" page on the Cloud there's a huge picture of a fucking giraffe.
(long silence) 
Nugs I took a screenshot and saved it. I named it "fucking giraffe."
Tits How are you an adult?

Nugs Will there be an incredibly stunning and witty brunette best friend with a great rack in book 2?
Tits Not currently.
Nugs I guess you're leaving out the "brunette" part. That's cool, I always wanted to go red.

Nugs I've mailed the tequila; it will be there shortly.

Tits I applied to four new jobs yesterday.
Nugs If they don't like you I can always kill them.

Nugs I think potato chips are like the ninth wonder of the world
The eighth being Kennedy 

Nugs yesterday I was looking for Halloween costumes and then started looking for your dogs.
I am now THAT FRIEND
Tits I know, you texted me
And I found it hilarious and Imac was like "I don't get it"
Nugs Especially the part about Kennedy being naked because she's a whore
And whores don't need clothes

Tits (re: Imac) We don't know that his mom isn't like yours.
Nugs If it were my mom she would already have predicted which genes are dominant.

Tits (re: Imac) So this happened:
Me: Are you going to freak out if I change my FB to say "in a relationship"?
Him: No, but I think you have to get that approved so no freakout necessary.
Unless you're in a relationship with Nugs...

Nugs (re: pick-up lines) He's going to be soft and gentle with my “most prized possession?”
That's my Dr. Who Sonic Screwdriver. I mean, I love it, but I don't want it in my hoo.
No offense, Dude.
Tits I just don't understand how guys think this shit is going to woo us
Nugs Or it's like, when guys hang out of the car and scream shit out of the window
Do they think we're going to run after them and be all, "WAIT! Come back so I can have sex with you!!!!"

A Glimpse Into Our Future:
Tits I've shown plenty of people my boobs
Nugs hahahahaha
I've shown you my boobs
Tits Exactly
Nugs Can you imagine if we put that on Youtube?
Tits We'd be viral in like a day
We'd have Hefner calling us to do a spread in Playboy
Nugs We wouldn't even have to say stuff that made sense
I remember when you first started dating Imac
And you were like, "hold on, I need to get on Skype with my friend so I can look at her boobs"
And he was like, "um...does this occur frequently?” 
Tits hahahaha
That's right
Next time we should do it right in front of him and see if he freaks
I said something to him the other day about you not caring if we were like sister wives
He thought that was funny
Nugs We pretty much already are
Tits Exactly
Nugs Except if it's Gosling
Then you can watch, but that's it

A Testament To Tits' Patience, Courtesy of My iPhone:
Nugs: Look what I found at Staples!!!!



Nugs: PS- did I not mention that I am at STAPLES?????
Tits: Try not to have sex with any supplies.
Nugs: It's tough. The Ticonderoga display says "World's Best Pencil." So clearly, I have to buy it. Or something else. Out of principle.
Tits: Yeah, but not "World's Best Pencil Disk."
Nugs: But World's Best! Imagine the genetics!
*awkward pause*
Nugs: I need help.

Nugs: ٜ ______________________________ ٜ <------- whale
Tits: WTF?
Nugs: ٜ _________________ ٜ <------- baby whale
Tits: You're an asshole.









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