Thursday, August 09, 2012

So... This Is Real

It's pretty common knowledge that I'm a sports fanatic- I keep insisting on posting about ESPN-type shit even though no one comments on them (or, most likely, even reads them). So everyone is probably thinking that I'm all up in the Summer Olympics.

I do have an enormous amount of respect for the competing athletes. Have you guys seen the stamina that these people have? Sometimes I get winded just walking up the stairs to the laundry room, especially in ninety degrees. My favorite part of the Olympics so far was when Ginntastic was telling me about all the gymnastics, and I realized I was on my 47th Cheez-It. Clearly by "favorite" I actually mean "embarrassing."

I'm so alone.
However, I totally do not get this whole Ryan Lochte deal. I mean, from the neck down, YES. But from the neck up? Not so much. His face kind of looks like evolution stopped just short right before it got to him.

Yeah no.
Also, Lochte seems like a massive douche (even his mom thinks so!), and he pees in pools! Gross. There is only room for one Ryan, and it is NOT you. Go home.

That's what I'm talkin' about. I'll be in my room.
Besides that, have any of you noticed some of the "sports" that are vying for medals this year? I mean, sure, there are worthy categories such as soccer, football, basketball, volleyball, swimming and gymnastics; but allow me to introduce you to some of the more ridiculous "games" that they have going on:

Table Tennis
Horse Dressage (come on, now)

Recently I also found out from Coyote Tits that the Olympics also has a spot for trampolines. I thought she was kidding until we had this conversation on Facebook:

Nugs they have trampolines?
           are you fucking with me?
Coyote Tits no
                     this is an actual sport, it's already given out its medals
Nugs no it's not
          just because it's played doesn't mean it's a sport
Coyote Tits i mean it doesn't say Olympic sports
                    its Olympic games
Nugs trampoline isn't a game
          it's something five year olds do in the backyard
          and walking? is there a medal if you can do that and chew gum at the same time too?
Coyote Tits only if you are playing Olympic ping-pong
Nugs ok, stop
          this shit can't be real
          why isn't napping in the Olympics?
Coyote Tits hahahahaha
Nugs I would win all the medals
          all of them

(You can read Tits' version of the Olympic phenomenon here. Why no one has published a book filled with our conversations yet, I have no idea. We are WAY funnier than Texts From Last Night, and that shit is a bestseller. Practically.)

Also the guy who won the gold in trampolining is named Dong Dong. Try to look at that and not laugh.

Don't get me wrong, some of the crap in the Winter Olympics is pretty retarded too. I mean, what the fuck is curling? That's not a sport; that's housework. Apparently the 2014 Games also have something called Skeleton which better have a fucking dancing puppet wearing a top hat or I'm boycotting everything.

I'm not downplaying the Olympics at all- the athletes contending for the gold, or even the silver or bronze, can say much more for themselves than I ever could. The last marathon that I successfully accomplished was seasons three-four of Doctor Who, and that was without commercials. But synchronized dancing? Really? My friends and I did that at the junior prom. We thought we were awesome.


The Olympics should definitely add some new categories so people start taking them more seriously in 2016. For example: napping. Or eating Cheez-Its. I would rock that shit; just sayin'.


Allison said...

Oh no you didn't just insult curling! Don't make me get all Canadian on your ass!

Also, have you ever rowed a boat? That shit is hard!

And Trampoline - hey now - we won our only gold medal in trampoline. It's like gymnastics really.

As for skeleton, that sport is insane. Do yourself a favour and Google Jon Montgomery. Not only is he a sexy ginger, but he's also hilarious. Plus he competes in a sport where you fucking slide down an icy course head first! Everyone who does that deserves a gold medal for bravery.

A guy I went to high school with just won a bronze medal yesterday in canoe racing. Don't mess around with Canadians in canoes. It's the voyageur in our blood!

But seriously, curling is actually fun.

Melbourne on my mind said...

Skeleton is fucking insanity. It's like tobogganing, but on a bobsled course and FACE FIRST. Oh, and you have no brakes. Presumably it's called skeleton because if you fall off your sled, all that's left by the time your body gets to the end of the course is your skeleton???

The 'sport' I have the biggest problem with is the synchronised swimming. They look psychotic, and who the hell thinks it's a good idea to wear make up and smile while UNDERWATER????? *shudder*

I also strongly applaud the waterpolo players. Because that shit is bananas. Treading water for a millionty years while the opposite team tries to elbow you in the face? Uh, PASS.

Jes said...

You forgot Race Walking. Some dude got throw out from that one for testing positive.

Kimmie said...

I just wrote my big olympic blog as well. I have to agree, I was kind of on board until Lotke busting out his grillz and his bedazzled shoe collection. No white boy can pull that off. Neither can any black boy for that matter. Also, Dong Dong bounced into my heart too.

Nugs said...

All those sports sound fucking nuts. The last impressive thing I did was eat half a carton of ice cream.

I did hike a whole mountain in 45 minutes though, so... yay?

Anonymous said...

I don't get why people are so into the olympics. It's basically just a bunch of people who had nothing to do growing up, so they just took up an obscure event.

Doctors have documented the 10,000 hour rule, which basically says that anybody who does something for 10,000 hours should master said thing.

All I've learned from watching the olympics is a long list of people who had way too much time on their hands growing up.

Also, this is incredibly selfish (and I'm okay with that), but long story short, I'm a senior in college, and I have to do a project this semester that involves starting, maintaining, and promoting a blog, so if you ever get insanely bored and want to stop by, it's

Basically, it's a sometimes serious, sometimes satirical take on why women are better than men, and it goes up Monday, so anytime after that, if you want to check it out, I'd be quite grateful!

Nugs said...

I love how you're shamelessly promoting yourself and you're not even sorry. Of course, if you ever need to promote another blog, I would like to offer myself. Wait, that sounded wrong.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to take you up on that offer of yourself.

But isn't my honestly refreshing? I mean, no beating around the bush, no small talk; I just tell you what I want, and I get to it.

That sounded far more sexual than I intended.

But yeah.

Be there.