Everything You Know Is Wrong Forever

Today is a tragic day in the history of children everywhere, chronologically and otherwise:

Baby Beluga has died.

For the three of you (or, perhaps, the foreigners) who are not aware of the existence of Baby Beluga, allow me to induct you into the heartwarming world of timeless stories and songs.

I, like many of my friends, was introduced to Baby Beluga by Raffi, the singer-songwriter who touched all our hearts with joy when he sang and strummed his guitar along to "Mr. Sun," "Down By The Bay," "Willoughby Wallaby Woo" and "Bananaphone." I must have made my parents take me to see Raffi in concert at least 37 times. I also used to act out his songs in their bedroom, except when he sang about the Spider on the Floor. That was kind of fucked up, Raffi. I hate spiders.

Anyway, this morning, when I went to Entertainment Weekly's website, I was unsuspectedly greeted by this horrendous shocker, which I immediately posted on Facebook and then forwarded to everyone I knew.

I feel like half of my life has been a lie, and I've been forced to re-evaluate everything I've learned in my formative years. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loved "Wheels on the Bus."



Will I find out tomorrow that that bus got towed? I was also really into "Frere Jacques" even though I had no idea what the fuck I was saying until a few years later when I found out you had to be French to know what the lyrics meant. But since I was like five and didn't know about this whole "discrimination" concept, I really didn't care. Raffi was amazing, and his songs were captivating. Get a load of his awe-inspiring three-disc miracle here.

I remember when I was in pre-school, Baby Beluga was the greatest form of musical composition ever created. I still remember all the lyrics, and also that it was directly responsible for a time period of about two to three years where I was obsessed with whales. I also recall REALLY wanting to be "older" so I could have a banana phone. I still want, one, actually. That would be badass.

This was a pretty depressing day for my childhood, so I'll probably sit around and watch cartoons for the rest of the night. I suggest you all make yourselves a nice PB&J with the crusts cut off, and I  will sign off with this:


Stay strong.