The first type is one you watch to be entertained- you know that it's terrible, but you still expect that it will make you laugh, at the very least unintentionally. There will more than likely be attractive actors, usually in various stages of undress; ridiculous dialogue and a ludicrous plot. This type of film is the cornerstone of SMAC's lineup; what our very foundation is based upon (we will return soon, promise). Recent examples include The Mighty Ducks, ThanksKilling, Ed and any of the SyFy Channel movies (excluding Sharktopus, which is a finely crafted masterpiece and should always be regarded as such).
Highly recommended. Seriously.
The second type is so awful, so horrifically atrocious that you can't even get back the viewing hours that you have just spent. Getting through an entire film in this category makes you want to take up a nasty crack habit just so you have a less embarrassing "feat" to bring up at parties. A telling sign of any movie in this lexicon are the shakes, sweating, becoming pale and contemplating suicide a quarter of the way through. Movies in this genre include From Justin to Kelly, Valentine's Day and at least ninety percent of Nicolas Cage's arsenal.
The third and most hazardous type of bad movie is anything and everything Twilight.
As hard as I tried, I could not avoid the fact that a new Twilight film opened last weekend. Sadly, I've actually been dragged to two of them in the theater, and collectively, they were the worst four hours of my life. A couple of my friends made me go see Blue Moon or whatever the fuck it was, and I hadn't read the books or seen the first movie, and I fell asleep for twenty minutes, and I was still able to follow the entire "plot" (spoiler: there are dogs or some shit). During one of the scenes the CGI was so bad that I actually started to laugh. The acting was so painful it was like burning. Kind of like that one time in college when- well, never mind.
The next time was entirely my fault. I offered to take one of my girls who was nursing a break-up wound, on one condition: I was allowed three out-loud comments. I purchased our tickets online so as not to draw attention to myself and attempted to find a seat in the jam-packed theater (we were there opening night- sometimes I am such an amazing friend that I'm jealous of myself). I tried to sit next to some pre-teen Twitard until she threw her arm over the seat and glared at me. Yikes. Who was she saving this for, her imaginary boyfriend? At any rate, my friend and I sat down anyway and I reminded her of our pact. I definitely benefitted more from my makeshift MST3Kthan the audience did; I doubt they appreciated when I referred to the movie as "Twilight: Breaking Hymen." Also I really wanted to incorporate the drinking game that my brother and follow Nip Clique-ers had invented to get me through the evening but I was afraid that I would be dead within ten minutes.
This movie has been out for a week and has already made $362 million internationally. It doesn't matter that all the "films" in this franchise are known to be appallingly awful; apparently, eleven-year-olds (chronologically and otherwise) don't care. Watching the two that I saw was like coating my snatch with honey and then sending a personalized, highlighted E-vite to every bee in North America.
This way to insanity
The only reason that I have actually been anticipating Twilight: Breaking Hymen Part Jesus Fuck How Many of These Are There is that supposedly, this is the last one until everyone involved decides that they want more money. Until I hear otherwise, there are no more Twilights forever. We're free, everybody!
PS- +5 to whoever can name the movie that I shamelessly quoted this post title from.
It's pretty common knowledge that I'm a sports fanatic- I keep insisting on posting about ESPN-type shit even though no one comments on them (or, most likely, even reads them). So everyone is probably thinking that I'm all up in the Summer Olympics.
I do have an enormous amount of respect for the competing athletes. Have you guys seen the stamina that these people have? Sometimes I get winded just walking up the stairs to the laundry room, especially in ninety degrees. My favorite part of the Olympics so far was when Ginntastic was telling me about all the gymnastics, and I realized I was on my 47th Cheez-It. Clearly by "favorite" I actually mean "embarrassing."
I'm so alone.
However, I totally do not get this whole Ryan Lochte deal. I mean, from the neck down, YES. But from the neck up? Not so much. His face kind of looks like evolution stopped just short right before it got to him.
Yeah no.
Also, Lochte seems like a massive douche (even his mom thinks so!), and he pees in pools! Gross. There is only room for one Ryan, and it is NOT you. Go home.
That's what I'm talkin' about. I'll be in my room.
Besides that, have any of you noticed some of the "sports" that are vying for medals this year? I mean, sure, there are worthy categories such as soccer, football, basketball, volleyball, swimming and gymnastics; but allow me to introduce you to some of the more ridiculous "games" that they have going on: Handball Rowing Shooting Table Tennis Badminton Horse Dressage (come on, now)
Recently I also found out from Coyote Tits that the Olympics also has a spot for trampolines. I thought she was kidding until we had this conversation on Facebook:
Nugsthey have trampolines?
are you fucking with me? Coyote Titsno
this is an actual sport, it's already given out its medals Nugsno it's not
just because it's played doesn't mean it's a sport Coyote Titsi mean it doesn't say Olympic sports
its Olympic games Nugstrampoline isn't a game
it's something five year olds do in the backyard
and walking? is there a medal if you can do that and chew gum at the same time too? Coyote Titsonly if you are playing Olympic ping-pong Nugs ok, stop
this shit can't be real
why isn't napping in the Olympics? Coyote Titshahahahaha NugsI would win all the medals
all of them
(You can read Tits' version of the Olympic phenomenon here. Why no one has published a book filled with our conversations yet, I have no idea. We are WAY funnier than Texts From Last Night, and that shit is a bestseller. Practically.)
Also the guy who won the gold in trampolining is named Dong Dong. Try to look at that and not laugh.
Don't get me wrong, some of the crap in the Winter Olympics is pretty retarded too. I mean, what the fuck is curling? That's not a sport; that's housework. Apparently the 2014 Games also have something called Skeleton which better have a fucking dancing puppet wearing a top hat or I'm boycotting everything.
I'm not downplaying the Olympics at all- the athletes contending for the gold, or even the silver or bronze, can say much more for themselves than I ever could. The last marathon that I successfully accomplished was seasons three-four of Doctor Who, and that was without commercials. But synchronized dancing? Really? My friends and I did that at the junior prom. We thought we were awesome.
The Olympics should definitely add some new categories so people start taking them more seriously in 2016. For example: napping. Or eating Cheez-Its. I would rock that shit; just sayin'.
This is the noughtie decade's final installment of Aural Sex, so I decided to bitch-slap you with a full load of unimportance. Instead of one list, I gave you a million.
When the millennium hit I was still in high school. Admittedly, my tastes have changed considerably since then (I've even posted that for you guys because my shame has no limitations). I like to think I'm much cooler now, so I've buried that list way down at the bottom as a special treat for you all to compare and contrast.
Sometimes Rise Against's lyrics veer a bit towards the political, but they're worth checking out because their songs are so catchy anyway. Their tunes are melodic while still the epitome of punk, and that's why I love them. They recently played in California, but it was like an hour away from me at some stupid festival where the tickets were 80 bucks. One day I WILL see you live, Rise Against.
I downloaded The Bravery's entire first album- it combines 80's electro-pop with New York City indie rock, and lead singer Sam Endicott even sounds kind of like Morrissey of The Smiths. The Bravery is like a hipster's dream, which means I should have disowned them- but "An Honest Mistake" is SO epic.
I know you're all getting really agitated with how often I rave about Almost Famous and everything associated with it, so I'll just shut up and let all of you discover (or listen to) the soundtrack for yourselves.
Bad Religion was one of the first bands that I became frighteningly obsessed with, and this album contains "Los Angeles Is Burning," my favorite track that they ever released. BTW, they are incredible live.
I discovered Spoon pretty late (like, last year- I know). I have a friend that's so scarily consumed with this band that he pretty much won't even talk to you if you don't listen to them, and he wouldn't accept the fact that I'd never heard anything they'd done. He finally forced me to download this album (and not in a sexy way or anything), and fortunately for me, it's pretty fucking amazing. I'm a convert. Spoon rules.
It was tough to choose between Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga and like, three other CD's, but this one is the most consistent. You should probably download all of them.
It's actually depressing for me to think about this album because U2 only releases complete shit now. However, this was the last of their truly great efforts. While it's no Joshua Tree (or even an Achtung Baby), there are some truly amazing tracks that, when they toured in the aftermath of September 11th, resonated with the entire country.
Bono, you are really obnoxious, BTW. Can you just go back to making great music and stop throwing all your charity work in our faces? Thanks.
When Coldplay debuted with Parachutes in 2000, a lot fans and critics immediately dismissed them as Radiohead rip-offs. With the release of A Rush of Blood to the Head, at least some of those people shut the hell up. At its best, Rush was a great Brit-pop album, and at its worst, you got sick of it because it was immensely overplayed. Plus, you can't argue that "The Scientist" and its companion video are hauntingly beautiful.
I can't wrap this album into one specific genre (their Myspace says "alternative/indie/rock"), so I'll just go with "really fucking British." I will say, however, that Bloc Party is cool enough to have a song featured on The OC AND to not lose their following, so there's that.
Anyway, I actually saw them play live and they really drove home the alt-rock- it's something that I'm really searching for in terms of musical styles right now, so it was vastly appreciated. Bloc Party is pretty awesome. Definitely check them out.
PS- can anyone tell me how to pronounce the lead singer's name? I have no fucking idea.
I recently did a post on how listening to Green Day changed my entire musical direction, and it's because of Dookie that I became a lifelong punk and alt-rock devotee. However, with the release of American Idiot, Green Day cemented themselves as juggernauts of the genre. The album became a multi-platinum powerhouse and catapulted the band into icon status. I've grown tired of the CD by now, because it's been really overplayed, but I'm psyched that with the opening of a Broadway musical, I can now put Green Day in the same category as The Who without irony.
If you're huge into music, like me, you probably remember the mass amounts of hype undulating around the release of this album, and I can honestly say that it was absolutely well-deserved. These guys were like, nineteen years old when this album came out. That is nuts.
Regardless of the fact that all their songs were about picking up random girls, getting wasted and and going to bars, critics loved this CD. Every song on it is dynamite, and it made a shit-ton of "Best Album" lists. It's not exactly a time-consumer, either: the entire album is less than 40 minutes long. I used to play this CD when I was getting ready to go out with my girlfriends. It made us feel like total bad-asses, even though we so weren't.
Muse is another band that gets unfairly compared to Radiohead. First of all, no one will ever be Radiohead, so that's just a ridiculous statement. And second, no one will ever be Radiohead.
I do hear a little bit of Thom Yorke in Matt Bellamy's voice, though, which is one of the reasons I like them. Another reason is that Muse is another band that encompasses multiple genres. Also, Matt Bellamy is kind of hot. It's too bad he's "dating" that skankho Kate Hudson. He probably has crabs now.
Daft Punk writes electrifying, trippy house music that pop fans can still appreciate (check out the uplifting, dance-able magic of "One More Time"). Now they're all over the place, being sampled by Kanye West, shilling for auto companies and penning the entire score for the new Tron movie (nerdgasm, BTW), but Discovery was the album that really brought Daft Punk into the recognition of the general public.
Songs for the Deaf edges out Rated R by THISMUCH because it features Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters on drums. If you listen to it all the way through, it could be considered a concept album, as it follows a road trip while tuning into radio stations. Even though it's technically not considered part of the actual CD, the video for "No One Knows" is hilarious even though I'm kind of afraid of that creepy-ass deer.
Songs for the Deaf was the QOTSA album that garnered them the most critical acclaim and its first US gold certification. I should also point out that they are sick live.
Best Track: No One Knows
Most Hysterical Track: The album contains an incomplete version of Rated R's "Feel Good Hit of the Summer," with all the lyrics replaced with laughing. It's SO wrong to laugh at this, but you can't help it.
I've already told you guys the story of how I first fell in love with The Postal Service. I'm not really that big on electronica, but there's something about them that I can't tear myself away from. When you consider that one half of the band is the dude from Death Cab and that Give Up features back-up vocals from Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley, two bands I don't even like, my infatuation with The Postal Service gets even weirder.
Give Up has the distinction of being Sub-Pop's best-selling album since Nirvana's Bleach. Since then, their singles have been used in numerous advertisements, including a bunch of promotional efforts for the United States Postal Service.
Unfortunately, their best work, an eerily stunning cover of that shitty Phil Collins song "Against All Odds," isn't on this album. However, you won't be disappointed with the CD. Just listen to it.
The reason I chose this album over Turn On the Bright Lights (which is also stellar in its own right) is because with Antics, the band evolves into who they are now and what they're likely to become. With the release of Antics, Interpol still relies heavily on bass and drums but comes out more polished, delivering what feels like the ultimate New York City basement bar experience.
Plus my friends like to change the lyrics of "Slow Hands" to "Small Hands" just to make fun of me.
I've mentioned before that my fixation with Foo Fighters is borderline unnatural. I was actually bummed that The Colour and the Shape came out in the 90's because then I couldn't add it to this list. Every single album that they released this decade could have made it on here, but their last record, Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace, was the return of the band that I first loved- Dave Grohl was angry again, and therefore made the second-best CD of his Foo Fighters career. Dave Grohl, take note: You are amazing at everything you do, but you are best when you scream.
Is This It is one of those rare instances when a debut album really kicks the shit out of you and lets you know that a band has really broken onto the scene. It's difficult for me to find an artist that's just simple New York City garage band rock, so when I do, I hold on for years. That's The Strokes.
Best Track: It's a toss up: either Last Nite or Someday. I could go with either.
Sea Change is so hard (SOHARD!) to put into words that I'll just recommend that you listen to the album. Everyone in my circle raves about it, though, if that's any indication.
Best Track: Paper Tiger. This is VERY closely followed by It's All In Your Mind.
Please. Like you DIDN'T think there would be any Radiohead on here. You're probably shocked that there are only two.
When I first heard Kid A I was literally blown away. My psychotic addiction to Radiohead had started in 1997, when I first heard "High and Dry," the lead single off of The Bends. It's now to the point where I get offended if somebody says that they don't like Radiohead, and I was actually angry that some of their albums came out in the 90's so I couldn't include them in this compilation. Basically, what it comes down to is that Thom Yorke is a genius and everything he releases is a masterpiece. Anyone who disagrees with me is wrong.
Anyway.
Kid A is so phenomenal because it's such a departure from the band's previous works. Radiohead is now known for being largely experimental, but at the time, this was a fairly hazardous move that alienated some of their listeners and critics. Author Nick Hornby called the album "commercial suicide." Fuck you, Nick Hornby. Judging from the band's rabid cult following, it certainly didn't hurt them. Ass.
Best Tracks: I have every song Radiohead has ever given birth to on my iPod (I am so sad), so I'll just narrow it down to the ones that stand out the most.
Everything in Its Right Place How to Disappear Completely Idioteque Motion Picture Soundtrack
Choosing between this and Kid A for the number one slot was tougher than my Accounting final. The main reason I went with In Rainbows is that as soon as I heard it, it became an instant classic, and "Reckoner" easily became one of my top five favorite Radiohead songs. Of course, I downloaded this immediately upon its release without hearing any of the tracks beforehand, but that's how I roll. Radiohead could record an entire LP of pigeons eating vomit and I would buy it for a million dollars.
The best thing about In Rainbows is that it serves as proof as to how loyal their fans are. They first released the album as a digital download as a "pay-what-you-want" deal, including an option to get it for free, and their loyal followers (including myself) actually paid money for the CD. It was totally worth it; every song is monumental. I'm still waiting for Radiohead to to put out a shitty album. I haven't seen them live yet, but I'm kind of afraid to. I might have a heart attack and die.
Best Tracks: I seriously can't pick any. Buy the entire album.
Listening to Anberlin reminds me of when my friends and I used to go Warped Tour back in high school. "Impossible" gets me all nostalgia-y, and it has a good beat, so sometimes I work out to it. I still secretly like some of this pop-punk kind of stuff, although I probably won't admit it now.
A lot of my friends are into The Hold Steady. While I'm not a super-fan, I can appreciate the fact that at least they're making good music and they don't sound like fucking Miley Cyrus.
Plus I'm pretty sure this song this was written about me and my miserable sex life. Almost every single guy I've ever done anything remotely physical with for some reason has had the letter J in either his first or last name. I have no idea why this is (maybe there's an annual convention or something?), but it makes the song even better. I'm there.
I was listening to this song for months before I even knew who the artist was. I'm ignoring the fact that it's like, two more advertisements away from becoming an annoying pop culture staple because it's really fucking good. For some reason this song reminds me of Scottish bagpipes, only more rocking. I also love seeing girls NOT being manufactured into moron pop-tarts. I like this band- I definitely want to hear where their next album takes them.
There are so many great tracks off of This Is Happening- I almost couldn't narrow it down to just one. (This album narrowly missed my Top 20- download this too. There are four or five songs on there that are interchangeable with this one for my Best Of). "I Can Change" explores what Depeche Mode may have sounded like if they had stuck with the synth-pop well into their career, only this is much, much better and more sparkly than "Just Can't Get Enough." The irony is there, too- the song is a desperate plea for a doomed relationship, but the beat is so twinkly that you almost don't even notice.
This would be on here for the title alone, but the fact remains that the song itself is catchy as hell. I had this in my head for days, and the best part was when I busted out "Fuck Yooooooou" in the shower and my mom was like, "What?" The video is a viral marketer's dream, and the track is R&B magic- full of malicious intent yet still so happy and cute. In the year of the recession, who doesn't want someone who knows how to appreciate the simpler, cheaper things? FUCK YOU!
Most Awesome Band Name Of The Decade:
Holy Fuck
Needs no explanation.
Greatest Song Title of the Decade (And Possibly Ever):
Your Child Is Dead (Off With Their Heads, 2008)
Is it frowned upon to find this funny? Because I totally do.
Close Second:
Fuck You (Cee-Lo Green, 2010)
THIS is why the song was a web sensation before anyone even heard it all the way through.
Best Unsigned Artists of the 2000's:
Not all deserving artists are so easily accessible. Here's a list of the ones you can only find if you search the web or go to a shit-ton of live shows.
Jerkagram (Fairfield County, CT)
I know I mentioned these guys before, but I have to give them a second shout-out because they are truly that talented. Jerkagram is finally starting to get the recognition they deserve, with the forthcoming release of their first official EP in early 2011 and drawing more crowds to bigger shows. This fall I saw them open for We Are Scientists, and honestly, they were better.
Anyway, here's where you can download their songs, and if you're around Connecticut, you can catch them this Thursday, the 23rd at the Fairfield Theater Club.
The Ruby Friedman Orchestra (Los Angeles, CA)
The first thing you'll notice about Ruby Friedman is her hair. It's loud, vivacious and immediately takes center stage, much like Ruby herself.
However, all of that will fade into the background as soon as Ruby opens her mouth. You're not just watching a lead singer- Ruby's a frontwoman. Even as she's vocalizing, she's running, jumping and moving around onstage. You never know where to look, so your eyes just tend to follow the sound of her voice. It's absolutely beautiful, yet still carries that essence of rock, punk and old-school blues that one needs to truly be called a star.
Her band is amazingly talented, as well- they're all accomplished, seasoned musicians in their own right and add the perfect element to the Ruby Friedman Orchestra's live performances. Watching them play is akin to a nature geek seeing an episode of Life on the Discovery Channel- picture the expression on their face as they watch the lion stalk the antelope. That's the rush you'll get at an RFO show- listening to the Orchestra is like having an out-of-body experience. Their music straddles multiple genres- rock, pop, funk and more than a little bit of jazz- and Ruby performs it all like she has an IV drip in her veins for each one.
BTW, their next show is scheduled for January 16th at The Troubadour here in LA- I'll be there, and you should plan on going if you're around. If you can't make it, here's where you can download their music.
Right This Second (Brooklyn, NY)
Right This Second is just starting out, but don't let that deter you, because the musicians have actually been playing for years. They've been on the New York City indie music scene for a while and are just now coming together as a four-piece.
Their sound encompasses every genre of rock you can cram into one description, and their influences range from the classic (Zep) to the obscure (TV On The Radio). You can tell when you hear them perform- every song sounds different. They also do an interesting interpretation of Radiohead's "No Surprises," which of course I'm totally into because RADIOHEAD! Bonus: their drummer is a chick.
If you can't make it to their next show, which is at the Trash Bar in Brooklyn on December 30th, you can always download their material here.
Most Horrific Cultural Abortions of the Decade:
Have you guys realized that pop culture has gotten heinously obnoxious lately? Like, I don't even want to turn on the TV or watch movies anymore. Sad. Here's why:
Music Videos Are Totally Irrelevant
I used to love MTV. Even though they had original programming, most of it was centered around music videos. Does anyone remember 120 Minutes? Headbanger's Ball? Even TRL? Beavis and Butthead is still one of my favorite shows to watch on DVD, and the best part was when they would watch videos and make fun of them. Now MTV doesn't even play videos anymore. VH1 still kind of does, but they've been bounced to that tiny mid-a.m. chunk when no one is awake. I get it- they have to make room for shitstorms like 12-Year-Old Mom and Bret Michael's House of Herpes.
Vampires Are Sucking The Life Out Of Decent Programming
This sparkly, lovesick vampire trend annoys the shit out of me. I wrote a whole post on this like a year ago hoping that the simple power of my words would cause the whole thing to die down but NO. It looks like this isn't going away.
The worst part of this whole thing is absolutely the moron-fest that is Twilight. I totally do not get why all my otherwise intelligent, competent girlfriends are so obsessed with this shit. I hate all those stupid kids, the movies are awful and the books are for 12-year-olds. Die, already. DIE!
Hollywood Remakes/Sequelizes EVERYTHING
When I was in junior high my friends and I remade that episode of 90210 where Brenda finds a dog and feeds him bologna; then the dog gets sick or something and runs away. 15 years later, BAM! New 90210. Where's my damn royalty check?
Hollywood hasn't had an original idea since... I don't even know. Now they just dust off the archives and find out which of the High School Musical stars needs the least amount of money. You know someone is going to let Bieber make a 3D remake of Back to the Future. If that happens I'll travel back in time and kill not only Bieber, but also his parents so they can't meet and therefore procreate.
Celebrity Kids
Can someone please tell me what is up with this stupid trend of all these celebrity kids deciding that they want to be just like their parents and not get actual jobs like working at a mall or something? They all have to act or model, or even worse, SING.
Some of them are just barely tolerable, but the worst are Will Smith's kids. One of them had the nerve to try to become the next Karate Kid (some advice: you're not), and his daughter had that hellacious "Whip My Hair" crap that some people surprisingly actually liked.
Oh, and think about this: Parents: Will and Jada. Kids: Willow and Jaden.
NO.
Justin Bieber
If I could murder anyone and get away with it, it would be this little tool. Hell, if I could murder anyone and NOT get away with it, it would still be him. There are not enough synonyms for the word "hate" to accurately describe my feelings for Justin Bieber. Can someone please explain to me what this kid does, and why everyone is in love with him? I can't even pinpoint exactly what bugs me about him the most. I just loathe him. If I could drop him into a hot barrel of coals pulled across a burning lava pit by a trio of angry gorillas who hadn't eaten in weeks, I would. I don't even understand why this kid brings out so much of my rage, but I would love to see him suffer a horrible, flamey death. Is that wrong?
And now, perhaps to make up for my murderous rants and child-like visions of Justin Bieber's slow, turtorous demise, I bring you:
The Mortification Rotation, Pre-2000 Edition:
I kept these buried under my punk and alt-rock CD's. I am so ashamed of this list.
BTW, I saw the Backstreet Boys in concert like, four times. I had t-shirts.
So the decade has come to an end, as has my indispensable guide to pop-culture (but only until January). I'll probably come around (hahaha... "come") again in a few days, anyway, so don't feel like, too sad or anything.
I don't feel the need to read magazines anymore. Sometimes when I'm flying or riding on a train I'll pick up an Entertainment Weekly or a Billboard, but that's it. Basically, magazines all tell me the same shit- I don't need to lose weight or have a boyfriend, but here are tips to lose weight and snag a boyfriend. No wonder girls are so confused.
Cosmo is probably the worst- it's always the same headlines, worded slightly differently, that let you know exactly what your guy likes in bed. Hint: it's sex. I'm all for being creative, but some of that stuff is ridiculous: "Grab it and twist!" I don't know about you, but I never wanted to end my night in the emergency room, unless it involves me and a very hot doctor. Also, the surveys they do are ludicrous- they claim to interview "real men" about what they "really notice" about women- and not one of them ever mentions a gigantic rack. Those weren't my eyes you were trailing drool into for the last twenty minutes.
I recently had to take a train to visit my mom, and I went to the newsstand to pick up some marginal reading. I settled on Blender- at least it's about music, kind of. While I was standing there, I noticed the other magazines on the stand- does anyone remember Tiger Beat? I totally read that like, 20 years ago! Anyway, it's still around, and so is 16, and BOP, and all the shit I looked through when I was a kid. The same people aren't on the cover, though; I listened to Debbie Gibson and New Kids on the Block (don't lie, you know you did too). Honestly, I didn't know who the fuck any of these kids were. Some of them looked like they were barely in middle school.
Maybe I'm alone in this, but it seems as if there's a hierarchy of child celebrity/pornography and the lengths that they'll go to to reach that status:
I) Child Pornography
II) Child Beauty Pageants
III) Child Actors/Singers
IV) Suri Cruise
What the fuck is up with that one, BTW? She's three and wearing lipstick and high heels to match her $300 dresses and peacoats. When I was three I was wearing Flapdoodles and OshKosh and playing in the mud. I understand that Tom Cruise is dressing vicariously through her, but that's just not right.
What I really don't get about this whole "kiddie worship" deal is this whole pop music business. The Jonas Brothers are all sinfully ugly and their music sucks, but they have Disney up their ass, so they should be OK for a while. All the High School Musical dudes are most likely cocksnatchers, but as long as they keep it hidden, little girls will continue to love them. Miley Cyrus seems to have no discernable talent whatsoever, and she's a gigantic whore, but her fanbase is so huge that even after Disney inevitably sues her after her sex tape and her naked pictures come out, she'll still be set for life. The marketing behind all these kids makes my head spin- they've even managed to transcend their "talent" (HA!) into an adult fanbase. I hang out with people in their thirties that listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, and they refer to these people by their first names, like they're friends. I'm ashamed to even write that sentence.
Speaking of Justin Bieber, have any of you seen this kid? First of all, I don't even know what he does. Does he act? Sing? Sell lifted car parts? Orchestrate suicide bombings? I'd never even heard of him until like, two months ago. Second, do girls really find him attractive? Look at this little punk:
He looks like a six-year-old girl. I could kick his ass! That "gang" sign he's making is laughable. I get that as someone in my twenties I'm past the demographic that his marketing team is going for, but I can admit when a kid is decent looking. Check out his People magazine spread:
He looks like a borderline retard with a lesbian seagull haircut. And seriously, what is this kid doing with a People magazine cover? Malcolm McLaren died earlier this week; where's his cover? I'm offended for him. The entire publishing industry should be ashamed of themselves. (If you don't know who Malcolm McLaren is, stop reading and Google him. The man was a visionary and should be celebrated.)
I've heard this kid interviewed a bunch of times and he really thinks he's hot shit. I'd like to shoot him out of a cannon or take a tire iron to his face. According to the People article, his mom had him as a teenager- if that's true, then Justin Bieber is one of the greatest arguments for birth control I've ever seen.
I know my rant isn't going to change anything. I'd just like to see the occasional talented "celebrity" lauded instead of a little twelve-year-old who sings about butterflies or whatever. At least Debbie Gibson produced her own shit, although now she's in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, so draw your own conclusions.
Being stuck in LA for the last month has really sent my Bullshit Meter through the roof. I realize that it's only in the 60's here, but it's pretty obvious that the real reason people aren't going outside during the day is because they're afraid their plastic bodies will melt in the sun. The Oscars were this past weekend and I couldn't have one conversation without some nominees' name being dropped (in nickname form, no less). On Monday, I went to a Kings game with my friend and we were the only girls not wearing fake eyelashes, tank tops and six inch stiletto heels. Um, do these whores realize that the game is played on an ice rink? That's cold? My brain needs something that doesn't fit into the "fake" category STAT.
Lately it seems like I'm not even safe when I watch television. Every three seconds there's a new "reality" show that pops up and invades my otherwise pleasant existence. Remember when it came out that the The Hills was scripted and everybody freaked out like someone had just found Moses in an Ed Hardy outlet store in New Jersey? Please. Like any show on TV can accurately qualify as "reality." If I ran the networks, I would make sure that reality shows were actually real. Here's how I would make over the worst offenders:
AMERICAN IDOL: I have the greatest idea ever for this show. While the contestants sing, suspend them over a shark tank. With every negative comment from the judges (especially that asshole Simon Cowell), the rope gets lower and lower. Then, at the end of the night, the contestant that gets voted off gets dropped into the tank and eaten. The crunching sounds, of course, would be magnified by the microphone.
I would totally watch that.
SURVIVOR: There are no actual "survivors" on this show. Does anyone really believe that the producers would let any of their cash cows die of starvation or get seriously injured? Hell, no. I say let these people really "survive"- throw them into a different locale every year. Start off with Harlem, and switch it up. South Detroit, South Central LA, anywhere where you can get shot just for making eye contact. Then tuck the cameramen away in a nice, secluded apartment with a doughnut and coffee spread and let the fun begin.
DANCING WITH THE STARS: On my show, "dancing" means "shoot at their feet so they have to move around a lot to live." Also, the general public would get to pick who would be on the show, and they would fire the guns themselves. Note: I have shitty aim.
THE APPRENTICE: Donald Trump would work for me. I'm a fan of hard labor.
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES: I really don't give a shit about these overprivileged, underworked, egotistical bitches from Orange County and the Upper East Side. Show me the "Real" Housewives of Bumfuck, Idaho that sit around all day watching Maury, eating bonbons and growing their asses out of their trailers. The hour would fly by.
TOOL ACADEMY: The girls on this show would get to beat their boyfriends with actual tools (hence the clever title). The "winner" gets hacked with a chainsaw.
I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE: The contestants are all from my list of Most Annoying Celebrities, and the island is the island from Lost, which no one can find. That way just when they think they get to leave, SURPRISE!- the island won't let them, and they all stay there forever, until everyone is killed by the Smoke Monster for being obnoxious.
THE REAL WORLD: Take seven strangers that have just graduated from college and follow them around with cameras as they try to live in a shitty apartment in a poorly lit area, apply for jobs, struggle with car payments and eventually have to move back in with their parents. So, basically, record the lives of everyone else on the planet that isn't being sheltered by MTV.
Just don't change Jersey Shore. I have a feeling the kids on that show really are that dumb.
My birthday was yesterday, and I turned 87. No, not really, but it feels that way sometimes. I actually managed to spend said birthday the way I wanted to spend it- watching the SVU marathon and having a nice, quiet dinner with my family before falling asleep to Craig Ferguson (that dude is hilariously fucked up).
Before I went to bed I checked my email, which gave me about 20 updates from Facebook informing me that a bunch of my "friends" had left me birthday messages on my Wall (in caps, because apparently Facebook apps deserve the caps lock button). I had actually gotten pissed off at some of these people because they have my phone number, and could have called me or at least have shot me a text, and I thought they had forgotten what day it was. I mean, I'm not a big fan of celebrating getting older every year, but still. Basically what my "friends" were telling me was that it was more convenient for them to turn on their computer, wait for it to boot up, sit around while Facebook loads, sign in, go to their Friends list, scroll down to my name and type in a generic, unoriginal "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!" message then it would be for them to just find me in their phone and write me a text (and even that's kind of impersonal, but yesterday was a Tuesday, so I'll give my friends the benefit of the doubt and assume they were at work). The only time I've "Walled" someone a Happy Birthday is when I didn't have their number saved (damn Blackberries. I curse the day I got my Curve).
Perhaps what was really insulting were the people on my Friends list who signed onto Facebook yesterday, saw that it was my birthday and decided not to say anything. What fucking assholes. What went through their minds- "nah, she's not worth it. I think I'll post some retarded song lyrics that showcase just how depressed my fucked-up life makes me feel because I can't afford new headgear for my cat."
I hate Facebook. The only reason I have it is because I actually have friends that I would lose touch with if I didn't, because they seem to have forgotten how to use a phone. The fact that using Facebook is considered "social networking" is ridiculous. There is nothing social about it. Writing on someone's Wall has now become a substitute for any and all human interaction. I even tried deleting my account once, but I actually did lose touch with pretty much everyone except my family, through no fault of my own, so I was forced to put it back up. Isn't that sad?
Facebook is good for one thing, though- it shows you how fake people really are. It's helped me realize that as a collective race, I really can't stand human beings. A bunch of times, I've met someone at a party and then five minutes later I've gotten a friend request from them- and we barely spoke! I'll accept them, and then I'll post something suggesting we should hang out, and then- SURPRISE!- I'll get ignored every time (I just went through my list and deleted like, six of these people). I rarely send out friend requests- I think I've done it maybe twice, and they were both to someone I already knew.
The worst offenders are the ones who have like, 4,000 friends- no one on the planet has 4,000 friends. Just because we made eye contact in the supermarket doesn't mean I want you to see photos of my drunken weekend in Vegas. We don't know each other; don't "request" me. There is not one person on my Friends list that I don't actually really know or haven't hung out with.
Anyway, out of everyone who sent me "birthday wishes" yesterday, I can count on one hand the number of people who actually asked me to hang out with them. A few who actually live near me made other plans, doing stuff that I would have actually enjoyed, and "forgot" to invite me. So to them, and to Facebook, I say, Fuck You. Learn to be a friend. Stop being such a selfish asshole. Say what you mean. If you want someone to have a "happy birthday," make it happen. And cross me off your Friends list, because you obviously don't consider me one.
I know you've all been waiting in anticipatory glee for my final five, so here they are, before the New Year. Try not to die of shock that I actually made a deadline.
Trying to decide between #1 and #2 was pretty tough. I almost declared it a tie, but I hate cop-outs, so finally I just ranked them, and you can judge for yourselves.
#5- TYRA BANKS
Tyra Banks needs to shut the fuck up and realize that no one cares about her except for her family (probably). I refuse to watch her show, but I've seen enough clips of her interrupting her guests to talk about herself to know that she's seriously nauseating. Her worst offense was when she put on a fat suit for thirty seconds and told obese women that she "felt their pain," then started referring to herself as fat when she gained four pounds. Her newest violation is believing that she's actually relevant- now that Oprah is going off the air, Tyra copied her by doing the same thing. Don't cry though, we still have America's Next Top Model, which will never, EVER (EVER!) die.
#4- DR. PHIL
Words cannot express how much I hate this man. He's a conceited, pompous, self-important jackass who needs to be stabbed in the face. He expects us to follow his advice on marriage and health when his own marriage sucks and he's a fatass, and he tried to pull an "intervention" on Britney Spears that was followed by cameras. He's a publicity whore that needs to have his license yanked. Any doctor that goes by their first name isn't a real doctor, anyway. Where does he practice, the strip mall in Parsippany?
I can't even look at him.
#3- PARIS HILTON
I don't even think I need to explain this one. Paris Hilton has been tormenting the general public since 2003, when her sex tape was "accidentally" leaked right before her dumbass reality show premiered ("accidentally," my ass). Ever since then, she won't go away- perfume, movies, books, even- dear God, no!- CD's. She's photographed with a new "boyfriend" every week and a half. She's a total idiot and always talks in that stupid baby voice whenever she's in public, which seems like it's all the time- she's like the Jillian character on Family Guy. I'd like to watch her do math for about an hour- it would be hilarious. I actually heard that she's been cut out of the will, but even that hasn't been enough to get her to stop being such a fuck-up.
#2- MILEY CYRUS
I can't stand anything about Miley Cyrus. Not only is her own music deplorably awful, but she's supposedly planning to desecrate the Poison classic "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." She's even been photographed wearing an MC5 t-shirt- yeah, like she really knows who they are. She's so desperate to get out of her Disney contract that she's turned into a raging whore that pole-dances in front of eight-year-olds, dates adult underwear models and gets boob tattoos. What's worse, her family is a bunch of backwater hillbillies who are completely supportive of her being an underage, wanton slut- it's like that gross, creepy-as-shit X-Files episode "Home." Her little sister is nine and already imitating her, which scares the hell out of me, mostly because it means that even after Miley, there's more to come. However, it does say a lot about her that she's only been in the public eye for the latter part of the decade and she's already gracing my Top 2. So congratulations, I guess.
Should I make a "ho-down" joke or is that too easy?
#1- HEIDI AND SPENCER PRATT
Not only are Heidi and Spencer repulsive by themselves, but they made the number one spot because there are two of them. There are so many adjectives to describe their disgustingness that I don't even know which ones to choose. Heidi is a total idiot and a stuck-up, spoiled brat who was stupid enough to marry Spencer, who is quite possibly the most arrogant dumbass I've ever come across in my life. They both think that they can succeed in the music business, Heidi as a "singer" and Spencer as a "rapper." They apparently turned down a White House invitation because it wasn't "A-List" enough- what else are you waiting for, a chariot pulled by doves? In every photo taken of them their mouths are open- except for one blessed Godsend where they're wearing masks. Whenever they do "charity" work there are always miraculously cameras present. I could go on and on, but really, it's almost dinnertime and I don't want to lose my appetite. I wish someone would kill them- in fact, I nominate myself.
This is how everyone likes them best. Or at all.
So there we have it- my list of Most Annoying Celebrities of the 2000's. Feel free to post your own opinions- although I don't see how anyone could disagree with me, but whatever. Happy New Year, everyone- see you in 2010!
