I know you've all been waiting in anticipatory glee for my final five, so here they are, before the New Year. Try not to die of shock that I actually made a deadline.
Trying to decide between #1 and #2 was pretty tough. I almost declared it a tie, but I hate cop-outs, so finally I just ranked them, and you can judge for yourselves.
#5- TYRA BANKS
Tyra Banks needs to shut the fuck up and realize that no one cares about her except for her family (probably). I refuse to watch her show, but I've seen enough clips of her interrupting her guests to talk about herself to know that she's seriously nauseating. Her worst offense was when she put on a fat suit for thirty seconds and told obese women that she "felt their pain," then started referring to herself as fat when she gained four pounds. Her newest violation is believing that she's actually relevant- now that Oprah is going off the air, Tyra copied her by doing the same thing. Don't cry though, we still have America's Next Top Model, which will never, EVER (EVER!) die.
#4- DR. PHIL
Words cannot express how much I hate this man. He's a conceited, pompous, self-important jackass who needs to be stabbed in the face. He expects us to follow his advice on marriage and health when his own marriage sucks and he's a fatass, and he tried to pull an "intervention" on Britney Spears that was followed by cameras. He's a publicity whore that needs to have his license yanked. Any doctor that goes by their first name isn't a real doctor, anyway. Where does he practice, the strip mall in Parsippany?
|I can't even look at him.|
#3- PARIS HILTON
I don't even think I need to explain this one. Paris Hilton has been tormenting the general public since 2003, when her sex tape was "accidentally" leaked right before her dumbass reality show premiered ("accidentally," my ass). Ever since then, she won't go away- perfume, movies, books, even- dear God, no!- CD's. She's photographed with a new "boyfriend" every week and a half. She's a total idiot and always talks in that stupid baby voice whenever she's in public, which seems like it's all the time- she's like the Jillian character on Family Guy. I'd like to watch her do math for about an hour- it would be hilarious. I actually heard that she's been cut out of the will, but even that hasn't been enough to get her to stop being such a fuck-up.
#2- MILEY CYRUS
I can't stand anything about Miley Cyrus. Not only is her own music deplorably awful, but she's supposedly planning to desecrate the Poison classic "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." She's even been photographed wearing an MC5 t-shirt- yeah, like she really knows who they are. She's so desperate to get out of her Disney contract that she's turned into a raging whore that pole-dances in front of eight-year-olds, dates adult underwear models and gets boob tattoos. What's worse, her family is a bunch of backwater hillbillies who are completely supportive of her being an underage, wanton slut- it's like that gross, creepy-as-shit X-Files episode "Home." Her little sister is nine and already imitating her, which scares the hell out of me, mostly because it means that even after Miley, there's more to come. However, it does say a lot about her that she's only been in the public eye for the latter part of the decade and she's already gracing my Top 2. So congratulations, I guess.
|Should I make a "ho-down" joke or is that too easy?|
#1- HEIDI AND SPENCER PRATT
Not only are Heidi and Spencer repulsive by themselves, but they made the number one spot because there are two of them. There are so many adjectives to describe their disgustingness that I don't even know which ones to choose. Heidi is a total idiot and a stuck-up, spoiled brat who was stupid enough to marry Spencer, who is quite possibly the most arrogant dumbass I've ever come across in my life. They both think that they can succeed in the music business, Heidi as a "singer" and Spencer as a "rapper." They apparently turned down a White House invitation because it wasn't "A-List" enough- what else are you waiting for, a chariot pulled by doves? In every photo taken of them their mouths are open- except for one blessed Godsend where they're wearing masks. Whenever they do "charity" work there are always miraculously cameras present. I could go on and on, but really, it's almost dinnertime and I don't want to lose my appetite. I wish someone would kill them- in fact, I nominate myself.
|This is how everyone likes them best. Or at all.|