Monday, January 18, 2010


My birthday was yesterday, and I turned 87. No, not really, but it feels that way sometimes. I actually managed to spend said birthday the way I wanted to spend it- watching the SVU marathon and having a nice, quiet dinner with my family before falling asleep to Craig Ferguson (that dude is hilariously fucked up).

Before I went to bed I checked my email, which gave me about 20 updates from Facebook informing me that a bunch of my "friends" had left me birthday messages on my Wall (in caps, because apparently Facebook apps deserve the caps lock button). I had actually gotten pissed off at some of these people because they have my phone number, and could have called me or at least have shot me a text, and I thought they had forgotten what day it was. I mean, I'm not a big fan of celebrating getting older every year, but still. Basically what my "friends" were telling me was that it was more convenient for them to turn on their computer, wait for it to boot up, sit around while Facebook loads, sign in, go to their Friends list, scroll down to my name and type in a generic, unoriginal "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!" message then it would be for them to just find me in their phone and write me a text (and even that's kind of impersonal, but yesterday was a Tuesday, so I'll give my friends the benefit of the doubt and assume they were at work). The only time I've "Walled" someone a Happy Birthday is when I didn't have their number saved (damn Blackberries. I curse the day I got my Curve).

Perhaps what was really insulting were the people on my Friends list who signed onto Facebook yesterday, saw that it was my birthday and decided not to say anything. What fucking assholes. What went through their minds- "nah, she's not worth it. I think I'll post some retarded song lyrics that showcase just how depressed my fucked-up life makes me feel because I can't afford new headgear for my cat."

I hate Facebook. The only reason I have it is because I actually have friends that I would lose touch with if I didn't, because they seem to have forgotten how to use a phone. The fact that using Facebook is considered "social networking" is ridiculous. There is nothing social about it. Writing on someone's Wall has now become a substitute for any and all human interaction. I even tried deleting my account once, but I actually did lose touch with pretty much everyone except my family, through no fault of my own, so I was forced to put it back up. Isn't that sad?

Facebook is good for one thing, though- it shows you how fake people really are. It's helped me realize that as a collective race, I really can't stand human beings. A bunch of times, I've met someone at a party and then five minutes later I've gotten a friend request from them- and we barely spoke! I'll accept them, and then I'll post something suggesting we should hang out, and then- SURPRISE!- I'll get ignored every time (I just went through my list and deleted like, six of these people). I rarely send out friend requests- I think I've done it maybe twice, and they were both to someone I already knew.

The worst offenders are the ones who have like, 4,000 friends- no one on the planet has 4,000 friends. Just because we made eye contact in the supermarket doesn't mean I want you to see photos of my drunken weekend in Vegas. We don't know each other; don't "request" me. There is not one person on my Friends list that I don't actually really know or haven't hung out with.

Anyway, out of everyone who sent me "birthday wishes" yesterday, I can count on one hand the number of people who actually asked me to hang out with them. A few who actually live near me made other plans, doing stuff that I would have actually enjoyed, and "forgot" to invite me. So to them, and to Facebook, I say, Fuck You. Learn to be a friend. Stop being such a selfish asshole. Say what you mean. If you want someone to have a "happy birthday," make it happen. And cross me off your Friends list, because you obviously don't consider me one.

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