Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: I Was Saying Boo-Urns)

The NHL postseason is over, and I have to admit to being wrong.

Allison and I have been recapping the Stanley Cup playoffs for you, going through every round and predicting who will advance. We also did this last year, and despite Allison being born and raised in Hockey Country, I won with so many points that even I felt bad for her. This year Allison got the gold star, so we've both been equally humiliated. 

This is a weird feeling, since I'm right about stuff practically all the time. I don't know what to do about this. 

You can see Allison's gloating on her blog, My Quarter-life Crisis.

NUGS' RECAP:

In calling this series, I definitely wanted Chicago to win. Like, really, really badly. I'm pretty positive that everybody hates the Bruins, unless you live in Boston and are therefore a totally obnoxious sports fan by default (except if you're Ginny- love you), but seeing as how they decimated the Rangers in the Semifinals, I was more than ready to see the Bruins go down. 

However, I had to be logical, and I truly believed that the Stupid Boo-urns were the more able team. I did predict a seven game series, and a lot of OT, but I assumed that the Bruins' massive size and physicality would lead them to their second Cup since 2011. 

Last night it seemed as if Boston would take the series into Game Seven- they dominated the Blackhawks and eventually scored. It remained 1-0 until Allison's boyfriend and Chicago captain Jonathan Toews tied it up in the second. 

FYI, Allison: You may want to let Toews in on the fact that you two are, in fact, together. Then again, I'm waiting to let Baby Goose know. It has to be just the right time- you know, after our second child is born.

Yeah...I don't...arms...I'm sorry, what?

Then the third period happened, and Boston scored again, making it 2-1. I breathed a little easier, thinking that I would have at least one more game to consider what sort of present I would request that Allison send me in the mail. Then came the last minute, and the Hawks scored again- twice. Center Dave Bolland's goal sealed the deal for Chicago and the Stanley Cup was theirs, for the second time in four years. I wish the Conn Smythe had been awarded to him instead of Patrick Kane, who admittedly is a fantastic player but sucks ass as a human being.

I am disappointed in my loss, but this does mean public humiliation for the Stupid Boo-urns. So really, I can't be that upset. Also, remember that Allison failed miserably last year, and she's the one that's Canadian. So you could sort of consider this a victory for America Junior, I guess. 

Also, keeping with the theme of "Nugs Looks Like a Dumbass," Iron Man called this series as well, down to the number of games. I should bring him to Vegas. Lily also said that the Hawks would win, but that's probably only because she's from Chicago and loves them. She's a Cubs fan, too, so I never really listen to her.

Because I apparently haven't learned anything from any of this, I'm calling it now: Rangers 2014. In 4.

ALLISON'S RECAP:

This wasn't easy, and there were a lot of doubters, but sticking by Chicago from the start was a wise move for me. Their series against Minnesota was fairly predictable, but the games against Detroit, LA and Boston weren't easy. I had faith in them because I knew they had the talent. I knew that a team can't have the kind of regular season record they did and go down without a fight. They fought hard and they won. I'll admit to having my doubts about them a few times, but I decided to be loyal to my choice and not flip flop. Throughout the playoffs many people questioned the abilities of some of  the players. Jonathan Toews wasn't scoring enough, Corey Crawford had a weak glove-side, blah blah blah. It seemed like the media just didn't want them to win. I found myself wanting to punch Don Cherry last night because of his bias towards Boston. Of course he wanted Boston to win, as a former coach of the organization, but as a sports reporter you need to talk about both teams' strengths and weaknesses. 

Obviously, I would be 100x more excited if the Habs had won the Cup (I would have called in sick today probably), but I've always had a lot of respect for the Blackhawks  - so I don't consider this a bandwagon jump. Leaf fans are, of course, making this victory all about them. As if Chicago beat Boston on their behalf. Newsflash, Chicago doesn't give a shit about your sad first round loss! This isn't about you!

Editor's Note: Agreed. This was clearly all for the Rangers fans.

For those of you who didn't watch last night's game, I'll give you a quick rundown. So in the first period Boston was all over us - outshooting us and eventually scoring. Cory Crawford played amazingly. With all those shots on net he did an fantastic job keeping it a one-goal game going into the second. 

Toews tied it up in the second and things stabilized for Chicago.

The third period was insane - probably one of the most exciting finals I've seen in a while. Boston came back and scored giving them a 2-1 lead. For most of the third period it seemed that a game 7 was likely,  but then it happened.

With just over a minute left Brian Bickell scored to tie up the game. Overtime seemed to be the most likely scenario. Then it happened again...Bolland scored with less than a minute left on the clock. The Chicago Blackhawks won Lord Stanley's Cup.

Gary Bettman (aka the Devil) presented the cup to Captain Serious (aka my boyfriend)...Jonathan Toews and he kissed the Cup for the second time in his career. But before that Patrick "The Mullet" Kane was awarded the Conn Smythe trophy for MVP of the playoffs. I would have given it to Crawford - but yeah, Kane did get a lot of goals.

POINTS: ALLISON

FINAL POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 9, ALLISON 11

So that sucked. I don't do well with losing. At any rate, congratulations to Allison, and to the Blackhawks for their awesome and well-deserved conquest. Also congratulations to Chicago goalie Corey Crawford for being super hot. How come I never noticed that before?

Uh, hi.

Did you guys watch any of the Finals? Did you care who won? Do you read my sports posts at all? Or do you really want me to go back to posting pictures of SNAKES THAT CAN OPEN FUCKING DOORS?

Yeah. This is a thing.

Evolution 1; Humanity 0

I was never a fan of Jurassic Park. I know it's considered a classic and everything, but come on. In what actual One Direction Dance Party Hell would somebody greenlight an amusement park where real dinosaurs could get the chance to eat people? Keep in mind this was before Kim Kardashian was around.

You would do it too.

One of the dumbest scenes in that movie was the one with the velociraptors in the cafeteria. It's like, are they serious? Velociraptors were awesome, and also kind of looked like Kim Kardashian now that I think about it, but there's no way they could have figured out how to push against a doorknob. That's where I checked out.



So that film always bugged me because I figured that it could never happen, but then I came across this ridiculous bullshit from Uproxx.com:

http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2013/06/this-video-of-a-snake-opening-a-door-is-the-beginning-of-mankinds-end/

Oh, yes, there is a gigantic snake that KNOWS HOW TO OPEN A FUCKING DOOR. Here's the video again, for those of you that aren't terrified enough:



This is thirteen seconds of the most heart-pounding, gut-punching, soul-crushing horror I have ever seen. Good luck sleeping tonight, everyone.

What is it with you snakes? Why are you such dicks? Is this because Justin Bieber owns a Batmobile?

I'm done. Night, Lois. 

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: Stanley Cuppage)

Well, this blows.

If you're new here, Allison and I have been recapping the NHL postseason by guessing which teams emerge victorious in all four rounds. To make it interesting (and possibly less humiliating for Allison, who's Canadian and should know this stuff), we've been awarding each other one point for each correct prediction in the Quarter- and Semifinals, two for the Finals and three for the Stanley Cup. Whoever wins has to mail the loser a hockey-related gift. We also did this for 2012 and I forget what the actual score was, but I'm pretty positive that it was something like 20,000 to 2, me.  

This year was looking like it was going to probably be the same outcome- and then the Finals happened. I'll give myself a pass on the Western Conference, because I still maintain that that series could have gone either way (that's what she said). But the East? Where the hell did that come from? Now I'm still in the lead, but Allison is steadily approaching. If I get the Stanley Cup wrong, she receives a shiny new gift.

I'm a Jew- we like getting money, not giving it away.

Here's a recap of the Conference Finals round of the 2013 NHL postseason, where I receive no points. 

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 3:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over PITTSBURGH PENGUINS

Not only did the Stupid Bruins win this round and advance to the Stanley Cup finals, but the one-seed Pens got totally swept. I mean, zero games. At all. I can't even explain this. I have no idea what happened. 

POINT: NEITHER

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS over LOS ANGELES KINGS

To Iron Man's credit, he totally called this one. "Chicago is going to destroy LA. 5 games." Yeah, I look like a jackass. 

POINT: ALLISON

FINALS ROUND POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 9, ALLISON 8

I don't like this. I don't like this one bit.



Now, to add to my incompetency, here are our prognostications for the Stanley Cup Final. You can also read Allison's version on her blog, My Quarter-life Crisis.

I fail at life.

BOSTON BRUINS vs. CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

NUGS: STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over HAWKS in 7

That actually just happened.

I feel like Peter Parker when he discovers his first web-shooters, only much less awesome because what came out of my hands is that the BRUINS WILL WIN THE CUP (technically it was wrists with Spider-Man, not hands, but you get what I mean). 

There are so many reasons why everyone should hate the Bruins, even tiny puppies who love anyone and anything as long as it pets them and feeds them cookies:

1) Patrice Bergeron. Patrice is a girl's name. It has no business belonging to a hockey player. 

B) Team owner Jeremy Jacobs is an asshole. He was the head of the owner's group during the lockout and pretty much the reason why we had a shortened hockey season this year. NHL players can't stand him, either. So to give him the Cup would be like rewarding him for being a selfish billionaire. Well done. 

SNOW LEOPARD) Zdeno Chara is a worthless piece of shit. Observe:

DD) I have nothing against Tuukka Rask in particular, but he's on the Bruins, too. So I'm going to go with "he sucks." Also his name is stupid.

This is one time where I hope that I'm wrong and that Chicago wipes the floor with them and Chara cries. I really want to argue against the Bruins, who barely got out of a Quarterfinal series with the Leafs. (Really??? The Leafs???) They played seven games, including two that went into OT and two that were only decided by one goal. Then came the Semifinals, which we won't get into here in case I have a stroke.

The Finals were up next, against top-seeded Pittsburgh. Everyone put their money on the Crosby-Malkin combination and figured that Boston would get annihilated. Of course that didn't happen, since neither Crosby nor Malkin scored ANY points the entire series and the Pens were swept. One could make the case that the Bruins were just that good during the playoffs, or that both the Rangers and the Penguins played like total shit. I would say that it was probably both. 

In any case, the Bruins are on a high from a strong playoff run, and boast more massive players than Chicago. They're also bigger douchebags (save for the Hawks' Patrick Kane, who is a horrible human being), which makes for a very physical series. This will push Boston past Chicago, just barely, and the series will last seven games. I'm also predicting that at least two will go into overtime.

ALLISON: HAWKS over BRUINS

To sum up Round Three: Huh???

Nugs and I both picked Pittsburgh over Boston because....duh...they were the obvious choice. Little did we know that they would completely fall apart and get beat down in four pitiful games. Shit. Oh well - we both gained nothing from that. We're both losers!

The Chi/LA series also surprised me. I got the result I wanted but I was not that happy with how close some of the games were. Um, you were up 2-0 and you end up tied 3-3 by the end of the third period??? It went into double overtime! Way to give me a heart attack Chicago!

As much as I think Patrick Kane is the scum of the earth, he totally brought his 'A' game this series. Hopefully he keeps scoring against Boston.

I've said all along that if the Habs couldn't pull out a miraculous victory that Chicago would win the Stanley Cup this year. I stand by my original comment for two reasons:

1) The regular season record speaks for itself. They were virtually unstoppable during the shortened season. They are a talented and creative team.

2) Might be a risk, but my only shot at actually winning this bet.

So there they are. Our recaps, forecasts, and my slow descent into dismal failure. The first game was on last night, and Chicago has already won, so I'm looking forward into Allison being able to gleefully rip me apart. 

You can see a full schedule of the 2013 NHL Stanley Cup playoffs here.

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: Round 2)

Round 1 of the NHL playoffs ended yesterday, and my Rangers are still around! Unfortunately for Allison, her Habs didn't make it, but that could be because she lives right near Toronto where she's not allowed to like the Habs. Canadians seem confused. 

Anyway, Round 2 starts tonight with Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa at 7:30 and San Jose vs. LA at 10:00, so our Semifinal picks are going up today. You can see Allison's version on her blog, My Quarter-Life Crisis. We're awarding each other one point for each correct guess in the first two rounds, two points for each in the Finals, and three for the Stanley Cup. Whoever comes out ahead (HAHAHAHA. "Ahead.") gets a hockey-related gift from the loser. So far, just like with last year, I'm winning again. 

Shame on you, Allison. Canada can't claim much, but at least you guys should have hockey. If not, you pretty much get flannel shirts. And Bieber.

Here's a recap of the Quarterfinals, pretending you guys care, and a roundup of our forecasts of the Semifinals. As always, Al is in blue; mine are in red.

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 1:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS over NEW YORK ISLANDERS 

While we both called this one, I can honestly say that watching the Isles play gave me serious doubts. This turned out to be one of the most entertaining series in the entire postseason. The Isles will definitely become a force next year, thanks to John Tavares and the rest of his line. The Islanders definitely earned some respect from their fans and their opponents, and they've become a team to look out for in the seasons to come.

POINT: BOTH

OTTAWA SENATORS over MONTREAL CANADIENS

Personally I don't give a shit about either of these teams because they're Canadian and I'm not, but everyone assumed that Montreal would take this and then they didn't. 

Canadians are weird. They're all nice and stuff and say "sorry" all the time and then when they play hockey they beat the living crap out of each other. Also sometimes they take themselves REALLY seriously.

POINT: NEITHER

NEW YORK RANGERS over WASHINGTON CAPITALS 

Oh, you mean the CRAPITALS????

Now that we're safely onto the Semis, I can move onto my next round of stress-inducing coronaries. So we won, but barely. I predicted six games, but we were again forced into 7. Fortunately, the seventh game barely registered and the Craps didn't even make it onto the board. It was quite sad, really. The Craps didn't even allow themselves to die with dignity- Ovechkin later had this to say about their elimination:

Ovi on refs: "Not saying there was a phone call, but they wanted Game 7. For ratings. You know, lockout, escrow, league must make profit"

I hope this year's MVP votes aren't already in. He should be traded to Philly. 

Anyway, the Blueshirts won, and that's what counts. I'll no longer have to look at Holtby's smug dick face every time he makes a save. Also on the plus side, Bobby and I can be friends again. 

RANGERS FOREVER.

POINT: BOTH

BOSTON BRUINS over TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS 

It's not so much that the Bruins won, but it's that the series ended the way that it did. Tabs actually cried when Toronto got knocked off, which I completely respect because this makes her a true fan. The Leafs played an entire round, bringing in a Game 7 that resulted in an OT win for Boston.

The question remains, though- was this a result of an incredible Quarterfinal show for the Leafs, or was Boston way off their game (no pun intended)? I'm going with the latter. I'd like to believe that Toronto is on their way to becoming more of a postseason mainstay, but somehow I think they just got hot at the right time and were met with a Bruins lineup that was a little shaken up.

POINT: BOTH

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS over MINNESOTA WILD

Honestly, I'm surprised Minnesota won one game. You can blame injuries all you want, but the fact remains that Chicago is the much better team. Not only would they probably have defeated any team they played in the first round, but they will more than likely win the Cup this year. The Wild, who lack effectiveness and experience, never had a chance.

POINT: BOTH

DETROIT REDWINGS over ANAHEIM DUCKS

I'm especially proud of this one because everyone thought I was clinically insane for predicting that the Wings would win. Essentially, my precognition was that Detroit's crazy power forwards would prevail over Anaheim's nasty goaltending, and that turned out to be accurate. It was a great series and an intense matchup- it went to Game 7, just like I suspected. 

POINT: ME

SAN JOSE SHARKS over VANCOUVER CANUCKS

What the fuck? Can anyone explain how this happened?

POINT: NEITHER

LOS ANGELES KINGS over ST. LOUIS BLUES

Honestly, this could have gone either way. The Blues were eliminated by LA last year, so I knew they would be out for blood this time around. After St. Louis took the first two in a row, I thought that Allison may have gotten this point. LA came back though, and the series went to six games. The Blues played well, and tied the series, but eventually Quick's intense goaltending skills and LA's overall defense led to their advancement. 

POINT: ME

QUARTERFINALS POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 6, ALLISON 4

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 2:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS vs. OTTAWA SENATORS

NUGS: PENS over SENS in 6

I totally overestimated the Pens- or underestimated the Islanders- and had them demolishing their opponents in 5 games in the Quaterfinals. While the Pens ultimately won the first round, it was an uphill struggle, with the Isles definitely outplaying them in a couple of games. While the Pens' Crosby-Malkin line is still arguably the most formidable on the ice, Fleury proved to be less than stellar in the net once again and wound up getting pulled in favor of their back-up goalie. Meanwhile, John Tavares and his Isles struck a significant amount of fear into the Pens and their fans- look for them in many more postseasons to come. 

Many still seem to think that the Pens are on their way to what would be their second Stanley Cup in under 5 years. GM Ray Shero is making the correct moves, starting Vokoun in goal for tonight's first game at the Consol. 

The Sens, however, are a crapshoot- did they advance due to their own athletic abilities or because the Habs played like total shit? Sorry Allison- I know you love them, but I watched a few of those games. Except for that one matchup where everyone on the ice got in a fight, which was amazing, I really wasn't that impressed.

One thing the Sens do have in their corner is their goalie, Craig Anderson, who had a 1.49 GAA and is a Vezina Trophy finalist. Also it helps that when you add a letter to their name, "Sens" doesn't come out as "Penis."

Just sayin.

Also "Sens" and "Pens" rhyme and that's funny.

Based solely on my observations of both teams in the Quarterfinals, I'm going to give this to the Pens. However, it will go to a Game 6.

ALLISON: SENS over PENS

I'm basing this purely on my round one observations. The Pens did not destroy the Isles as I had originally predicted. Yeah, they won the series, but NYI really did put up a fight. The Sens were extremely determined during their series against my beloved Habs. They pretty much killed us. There was no mercy. Sens are coming off of a pretty awesome win, and Pittsburgh is coming off of a struggle - I'm giving this one to Ottawa.

NEW YORK RANGERS vs. BOSTON BRUINS

NUGS: MY BLUESHIRTS over STUPID BOO-URNS in 7

This is not a biased answer because I die for the Rangers and loathe the Bruins. It happens to be a formal, educated guess based on my knowledge of the sport and my observations of Round 1. 

And it's also a biased answer because I die for the Rangers and loathe the Bruins.

Boston could barely get out of a Quarterfinal round vs. the Leafs. I mean, really? Everyone was predicting a sweep and they went into an OT Game 7. The Bruins are generally very good but they almost fell to a team that hasn't won anything in almost 50 years and doesn't even realize that "Leafs" isn't even a real word. Well played, Boston. Well played.

Meanwhile, my boys succeeded in giving me another stroke this year by being forced into seven games again; fortunately Game 7 against the Craps barely even registered. We totally schooled Ovenchicken and his stupid Crapitals, and we're definitely ready to take on the Bruins. If they could hardly triumph over the Leafs, there's NO CHANCE they'll be victorious against us.

What concerns me about this matchup is that in Round 1, both of us struggled to defeat teams that we should have eclipsed in six games or less. This will make for a solid Round 2, and will cue a string of small heart attacks for me.

ALLISON: RANGERS over BRUINS

Now that the Bruins have embarrassed the Leafs successfully, I can go back to hating their stupid faces and throw this one to the Rangers.

Editor's Note: Strongly agree. I was saying Boo-Urns.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS vs. DETROIT REDWINGS

NUGS: HAWKS over WINGS in 6

Chicago is the team in the West that most NHL fans and analysts believe have a chance to take home the Cup. They lost 12 games all season and dominated Minnesota in the Quarterfinals. 

Now that they're matched against postseason stalwarts Detroit, expect at least 6 games in this series. Not only do the Redwings have a couple of unnerving forwards in Datsyuk and Zetterberg, but their defense is getting scarier as well. 

The Redwings are also very familiar with the NHL postseason, having made 22 consecutive appearances. Both teams are recent Cup winners- the Wings in '08 and the Hawks in '10- so they're both used to playing to win. This will be a very competitive series, but ultimately, the honor will go to the Hawks.

ALLISON: HAWKS over WINGS

Chicago will win the cup. P.S. Toews is hot. That is all.

Oh haaaai.

LOS ANGELES KINGS vs. SAN JOSE SHARKS

NUGS: KINGS over SHARKS in 5

I have no idea how the Sharks, perennial playoff chokers, totally swept the Canucks in the first round. That was probably a mistake. Maybe they'll win one game in San Jose, but there's no way they're advancing past the Semis.

ALLISON: KINGS over SHARKS

I have no effin' clue. I really didn't pay much attention to either of these teams much. Sure, let's go LA - why not?  Chicago will kill either of these teams in Round 3.

Keep in mind that there were a lot of upsets in the first round, so more than likely, we're totally wrong again. Let us know who you guys are rooting for in the comments below, and if you agree with our picks. Notice how I didn't say "disagree," because we don't care about that.

Eight-Legged Freak-Out

So the other day, I was on Facebook looking at random shit when I noticed that one of my friends had posted this:



WHAT THE FUCK.

The chances of me ever having the chance to go to Brazil, although it used to sound awesome, are right up there with landing a seven-figure job or getting five minutes alone with Baby Goose without them ending in a restraining order, but still. NO. This is just- no. I'm done. What circle of Hell is this? This is terrible.

Spiders don't stand a chance. Just sayin.

Everybody that knows me is aware that out of everything in life, bugs are the things that I hate the most, except for like, nuclear war and Justin Bieber. Remember this dude? I couldn't sleep for a week and a half after I found it in my bathroom.

Who said that this was OK??????

Spiders are the worst. I've always been petrified of them. Growing up, I used to get my brothers to run in and crush them mercilessly; now I make my boyfriend do it for me. Last week I was about to get in the shower when I noticed a small web in the corner and I swear to God the scream that I let out woke up dogs in the next three towns. Iron Man ran in because he probably thought I fell down or something and I was standing there, terrified, staring at the floor.

Me: There's a spider! In the bathroom.
IM: Where? 
(I point to it. He's probably seen crumbs bigger than that.)
IM: Are you serious?
Me: OH MY GOD KILL IT OH MY GOD.
(He kills it. Kind of.)
Me: OH MY GOD IT RAN AWAY.
IM: It didn't run away. 
Me: It's not in the napkin.
IM: This is retarded. Get in the shower.

Over the course of the day I kept looking all over his apartment for what I now consider my most worthy adversary.



Every time I heard a rustling movement I jumped, just knowing that the spider had come back to take its revenge. It didn't help that Tits kept posting stuff on my Facebook page about murderous insects that put people in comas and shit like that, which she found hilarious but probably scarred me for life. I finally agreed to get into bed, and I lay there, staring at the ceiling. I decided to shake Iron Man awake, and he was less than appreciative. I can't imagine why.

Me: Will you please go find the spider?
IM: It's 3am.
Me: He's waiting for me. He wants my soul.
IM: This is really happening right now.
Me: Please?
IM: Goodnight.
Me: Please?
(At this point he's started ignoring me.)
Me: Please?
Me: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?
IM: Jesus fuck. 
Me: Fine. I'll kill it myself.
(Thirty Minutes Later)
IM: Were you really in the bathroom for half an hour?
Me: ...no.
IM: Did you find it?
Me: ...no.

As of today, that little fucker is still at large, and Iron Man is fully aware that he is dating an insane person (he has actually said, "I'm dating an insane person"). The fact that he has not been bestowed with a medal yet is pretty baffling to me; however, maybe that's what the spider wants. It's probably in the same Legion of Doom as the Two-Headed Snake.

Please still be my friends.

Dead Space Vol. 3- Prison Break!

As always, there are spoilers for the graphic novels in here. So if you care, don't click on the links.

One might think that this post is going up so far behind the episode airing because I'm aiming for dramatic effect, considering The Walking Dead comes back THIS WEEKEND OMGJAZZHANDSOMGJFGDGHJKDVCVCVJCVJKVHBJXHVCBXJ!!!!!!

One would be wrong. I'm just lazy.

Made to Suffer opens with the appearance of Tyreese! Holy shit! Not only is Tyreese awesome, but he's played by Cutty from The Wire, which is the most brilliant program ever created for television. If you have never seen it, trust me- buy it now. You are missing out. Besides the 2013 Ravens, The Wire is probably the only thing that Baltimore has to be proud of.

Tyreese's gang includes himself and a family of three, which is weird because isn't his daughter's boyfriend supposed to show up in this bitch? Oh right- more than one black guy attracts zombies.

Never mind. His daughter, Julie, I assume, is the fifth member, but who the fuck knows with this show? The mom gets bitten on the arm, so Tyreese's gang is all, "cool, let's keep her alive instead of immediately preventing her zombification by killing her. Oh hey, her terrified pre-teen son."

They wander around for a while before coming across the Prison. I don't know why I didn't make this connection before, but we can totally do a Six Degrees game with Sarah Wayne Callies, kind of. In 2005, when she was on Prison Break, (also first-rate programming, if you get the chance to check that out), her character spent all her time in a prison and there was a character called The Governor. Also, she was a morphine addict, and most likely still would have made a better mom than Lori Grimes.

We then cut to Mayberry, where Andrea is trying to look all pretty and shit for her new boyfriend. I'm still confused as to why Andrea is so fucking stupid. I guess I can see not noticing the undead kid in the closet, especially if you're a clueless moron. But how do you completely miss a room with fish tanks full of fucking decapitated heads? That's a pretty messed up hobby. I mean, it's not like The Governor is harboring an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.

 

Glenn and Maggie are still being held captive, and Glenn does a super bad-ass trick where he fashions weapons out of zombie bones. He and Maggie get re-kidnapped by Merle and are ordered to be taken into someplace called the "screamer pit," which, frankly, sounds kind of sexual.

Meanwhile, the Atlanta Gang continues to make their way towards The Governor's camp, continuing to point out how useless Michonne is even though she's the only one who knows where they're going and also brought them food. The entire town of Mayberry has conveniently forgone all security at this point and everyone just waltzes in all, "oh haaaai." Michonne immediately goes to kick The Governor's ass and in doing so finds Penny, whom she mistakes for a regular child until she pulls off the bag and sees the little zombie face. The Governor pleads with Michonne not to hurt his daughter but she isn't having any of that shit and drives a sword through Penny's head. Then there's a ridiculously mind-blowing fight where Michonne breaks one of the fish tanks and slams one of the glass shards into The Governor's eye. Andrea walks in in the middle of all this and is all, "NO!" Whatever, Andrea. We're all already tired of you.

Readers of the books will understand why Michonne hates The Governor so much; he does some pretty horrific things to her on the page. In the TV show, however, he's just an incredible asshole. There is no denying that The Governor is a scumbag, but he hasn't really done anything personally to Michonne to warrant a loathing this formidable. Yet.

Back at the Prison, Carl, who clearly does not watch enough horror movies, runs out to investigate a strange noise and runs into Tyreese and his crew. He shoots and kills the Bitten Mom and then pulls a gun on the rest of them, which prompts them to refer to Carl as a "man." While last season this would have seemed like a ludicrous concept, Carl is actually shaping up to be not totally useless. Well played, writers and/or Chandler Riggs.

So everyone escapes from Mayberry except for Daryl, who has probably chosen to stay behind in order to look for his brother. The Governor, who has apparently taped some paper towel over his eye, captures him and parades him in front of the residents. He informs them that Daryl is a terrorist, and that Merle is his brother and that now there needs to be a showdown between them. I recommend a dance-off, with lifts and glitter leggings. That would be amazing.

NOT GAY.

I'm guessing the writers won't kill Daryl, since he's the definition of "fan favorite," but he's not in the novels so basically they can do whatever they want. These last two months have been real nail-biters, especially for me because I bite my nails. Personally, I think Rick is going to come back, save both Daryl and Merle and kick some Governor ass. Then everyone is going to make out.

I said not gay!

I would also like to point out that SyFy brainlessly decided that this Sunday is the night that they are finally going to air Battlestar Galactica: Blood and Chrome- directly opposite the return of The Walking Dead. I'm of course not a television program director, but this seems like just about the dumbest move they could possibly make. I have On Demand so I can catch one of them later but still. TWD already has an established audience that is anticipating Season 3.2 probably more than the birth of their first child. I loved BSG, but there is no way I'm missing zombies on TV.

Anyway, let me know if you tuned into this, and what you thought of the episode. I promise I will recap Season 3.2 in a more timely manner, and uh, sorry about my epic fail.

Zero Dark Thirty

I'll bet you've all spent the last month sitting at your laptops, anxiously hitting the reload button until I put up my next post, wondering where I've been. I didn't die; I didn't become a world traveler or get offered a new employment opportunity anywhere remotely in the six figures. No, I'm just really fucking lazy and lack motivation. Sorry, kids.

At any rate, the last month has had some recent developments which, as my duty (haha. "Duty.") as a blogger, I feel I should share with you all. Let's run it down in list form, because I'm pretty sure you're all too busy and/or impatient to sit through an hour's worth of my shit:

1) Let's get the biggest deal out of the way first: as much as I tried to avoid this like Taylor Swift avoids actual talent, I finally turned thirty. Despite a minor freakout, it actually doesn't feel that different from 29, mostly because I'm still giggling at words like "feel."

Despite being knocked down by a heavy case of the "Mutant Cold," I had a relatively nice, low-key birthday in New York City, with a guest appearance from one of my favorite Bloggi, Tabs, who flew in from Canada for the funeral procession. Since I was sick, I couldn't do everything I had anticipated, and I'll be having a do-over this summer. I expect way more of you to be there, so get on that right now.

Hitting thirty also won me the coveted "Last Chance Blogger" Bootleg award over at 20sb, which is interesting because didn't I also win this shit last year? How old do you people think I am? I was also up for "Most Opinionated," but seeing as how Tits and I were both nominated, we probably split the vote and that's why neither of us won.  Oh, well- thank you anyway! It's awesome to know that you guys love me so much that you thought I was ancient even when I wasn't.

(Also, shout-out to Ginny, who was voted "Best 20sb Contributor." I would make an "In My Pants" joke here but I honestly can't think of one right now.)

B) I'm still on the job hunt. At this point I'm basically trying for anything; however, I did apply for a social media job with the New York Rangers that I am absolutely 100% under-qualified for. I managed not to make a complete ass of myself and not send a cover letter that basically stated OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU PICK ME I LOVE THE RANGERS PICK ME PICK ME LKJKFJKHJGSDFJHFJKLKVNFJNCHSZVCJNFKLNDFJFHDVHVBGJFGBGHBF
PS- I want your goalie to impregnate me. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Yeah, so that didn't happen. Probably a genius idea on their part.

THUNDERCAT) The best part of being back in New York is definitely having the chance to reconnect with my friends and family. My brothers housed me for my first two weeks, and despite having the sound effects to NHL 13 permanently lodged in my brain, it was great to hang with them after being physically separated for seven months.

After that, it was time to hit up everyone I hung with in school. I'm still in touch with 90% of them, and within two days I was back with my old crowd. One of them in particular, who has made a brief appearance on this blog as Bri-Winning, was the first one to invite me out, and in doing so introduced me to the guy I'm currently dating.

You did read that right, FYI- the Mayan calendar was probably another year off because I managed to trick some poor dude into keeping me around after conversing with me for more than five minutes. Heretofore dubbed "Iron Man," we've been together a little over a month, and he seems relatively normal. I've already met or know most of his friends and they're all cool as shit, too. Iron Man has yet to see my robot collection or any of my Star Trek memorabilia, so I haven't fucked this up. Yet. There won't be much written about him here, but the relationship will be drawn out over on Snark & Sex, because he doesn't know that one exists.

I'm fucking amazing.

In case you're all wondering, my Iron Man doesn't look at all like RDJ's Iron Man, or I already would have roofied him into marriage.

Please. I'm taken, not dead.

So there it is- my last month, laid out for you (haha. "Laid"). I still need to get to my last Dead Space recap in time for the second half of the season, and I also need to get off my ass and come up with new ideas for my next few posts. So I am still alive, and functional (?), and I will be around more. I promise.

I love you.

PS- we're looking for guest bloggers over at S&S. If you want to share how your met your significant others or what your first date was like, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com. We need you from now until Valentine's Day.

The More You Know

It's probably not news to anyone that at the time of this post, 26 people were murdered in a Newtown, Connecticut grade school yesterday morning. 20 of those people were little kids. One was a teacher trying to protect her students from the gunman.

http://www.cnn.com/2012/12/15/us/connecticut-school-shooting/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

The shooter, who I will not glorify any further by naming here, had forced his way into the school. He was a 20 year old kid. It was also reported that he killed his mother and, when he was satisfied with his handiwork, himself. His older brother had to disable his Facebook page when he was erroneously identified as the suspect.

News reports say that the gunman suffered from a personality disorder, which calls into question exactly how the fuck this 20-year-old deranged fucking lunatic was able to get his hands on a loaded murder weapon in the first place. There are extensive background checks for minimum wage jobs at McDonald's, yet this douchebag manages to score an assault rifle? I can't be the only one that sees the epic fail in this.

I found out about the events that occurred late yesterday morning when I logged onto Facebook. I was all set to post about how stoked I was to go see The Hobbit, but I was immediately flooded with status updates about Sandy Hook. Some of my friends admittedly went a little overboard- yes, it was a tragedy; yes, it was sick and senseless and disturbing and horrible; yes, it hit close to home for myself, my family and a lot of my friends (I went to high school about 20 minutes away from Newtown)- but posting news updates and photos and angry rants every five minutes is not going to make anything go away, and will only feed into what this nutjob would have wanted.

(I'm also looking at you, news anchors and media shitstorm. Interviewing parents and even worse, terrified and sobbing children, is probably the most disgusting ploy for ratings I can even imagine. No. Go home.)

One of the most awful parts of this is probably that while this asshole will inevitably be rewarded with a Movie of the Week/feature film/countless magazine covers, in a few weeks no one will remember the names of any of the victims, including the teachers that died shielding their students from bullets.

Some have said that it's too bad that the killer turned the gun on himself, since now none of the victims' families will have the chance to take him out themselves. I'm looking at it this way: I hope the worst is over, and as strange as this sounds, we as a country can look at this in a positive way. Call your friends and family and tell them you love them. Spend time with them if they're located in your vicinity. Do unexpected nice things for random strangers.

Yesterday, inspired by these events, I gave two dollars to a homeless guy and he acted like it was a check for a million bucks. Then, on the way to the movies, I stopped at a pharmacy to get snacks, and paid for the woman behind me since she only had two items in her hand. I didn't even tell her; just let the cashier know that the "next girl was taken care of" and left. I didn't say anything to my brother, either. Was it a huge gesture? No. Her total was like five dollars. However, I felt that with my actions I had just said a massive "fuck you" to a guy that had just murdered a bunch of little kids.

Also, maybe this will help improve the US as a whole, and force a tighter rein on gun control and a better healthcare system which recognizes mental disabilities. I'm not saying this could have been prevented with Healthcare- clearly this dude was severely unhinged- but at least steps could have been taken and at least he could have seen a shrink or something. Apparently there were "warning signs," although emailing people and saying "yo, I'm thinking of shooting up an elementary school tomorrow; don't tell anyone" probably doesn't count as a harbinger so much as a massive fucking RED FLAG. I'm not placing immediate blame on anyone but him; however, maybe if someone had paid closer attention to his distress calls this would never have occurred.

Basically what we have to do right now is pull through this together. Attempt to stay positive and not dwell on the past. Try to return to your normal lives. Eat, sleep, watch TV, go see The Hobbit. Let out your frustrations in any way you can, if you so choose- I've obviously done this in my writing, like so many of us (two excellent examples I've found in the blogosphere of people affected by this tragedy are Christopher from Mixed Drinks & Mixed Feelings and Rainey from A Rainey Day with a Chance of Sunshine- especially poignant because Sandy Hook was her elementary school). Be thankful for what and who you have with you right now, because honestly, they may not be there when you come home tonight.

And to make us feel (marginally) better, here is a basket of tiny puppies.