Thursday, April 07, 2011


So yesterday I got this interesting email from my friend who I'll refer to as "Bri-Winning." Bri-Winning and I have known each other for a while and he likes to send me comments on my writing, even though he's not actually a writer.

The email had the usual shit in it- "what's up, how you been, you've dropped off the planet so call me bitch etc. etc." Little does he know that Jewish girls are schooled  in guilt trips and thus this sort of shit never works on me, so whatever.

Anyway, Bri-Winning totally redeemed himself because he is actually a regular disciple of That Ain't Kosher and does leave the occasional compliment, which, as we all know, is definitely the way to this girl's loins heart. Apparently what he really wanted to let me know was that the review I just wrote of Nicolas Cage's Ghost Rider was the most ingenious piece of prose he'd ever laid eyes on and he was curious as to how one might partake in the Horrible Movie Review extravanganza.

OK, so some of that was completely fabricated. Basically he just wanted to jump on the Nugs Train and analyze a shitty Nic Cage film with the rest of us. Since he's not a blogger, he can't technically participate in the 'ring, but he is sarcastic and hilarious, so I told him to send me what he came up with and I'd post it here. You know, 'cause I'm charitable and such.

So here's my partner in snark of many years, Bri-Winning, with his review of The Rock. Feel free to show him your love. With comments, yo! You little pervs.

The Rock

Whereas the typical action movie involves some version of The Rock, such as Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, Jean Claude Van Damme…you get the picture, one of my all-time favorites is actually called The Rock.  Yes, it’s our good friend Nicholas Cage again with his co-star Ed Harris and the unshakably awesome Sean Connery (with the exception of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen).  And of course, thrown in for good measure and no particular reason, Candyman himself (ring a bell horror movie fans?) plays arguably the baddest guy of them all (my favorite line: “I’m not a soldier, Major.  The day we took hostages we became mercenaries.  And mercenaries get paid.  I want my FUCKING money!”).

You may notice I said “arguably” the baddest guy…because guess what?  It’s a movie with a moral goddamn conundrum!  Ed Harris plays a former US black ops officer whose troops died without recognition for their actions.  He holds the entirety of San Francisco hostage with biological weapons held at Alcatraz to extort federal funds to pay off the families of the deceased.  Well noble intentions often lead to ignoble consequences. The mercenaries steal all the rockets and kill everyone in San Francisco…oh wait that was a dream I had.  Ahem…what I meant to say is that our heroes swoop in to save the day: Stanley Goodspeed (Cage), a chemical weapons specialist who was never meant to be in the field, and John Mason (Connery), a former secret service agent that was the only person to ever escape Alcatraz.  Well, since Mr. Mason has a secret underwater passage into Alcatraz full of flame jets and everything short of an invisible bridge and latin stepping stones (yes, I am making reference to Connery’s role in The Last Crusade), everything will be fine!  Good thing the team does not see their impending doom coming, because that gives us plenty of irony to ponder in the wee hours.  After Cage’s and Connery’s secret team tries to take out Harris’ troops and all die (except of course our brave heroes), it’s up to the odd couple (James Bond and our National Treasure) to save the day.

The rest of the movie is great, just lots of action scenes as they defuse every bomb imaginable in some pretty unique and boss (yes I said boss) scenes.  Eventually everyone is saved and Connery and Cage bond intensely just short of a shower scene.

Editor's Note: Did anyone else just go to a frightening mental place?

One of my favorite movies of the 1990s.  At least watch the first scene to see someone shrivel up from being exposed to a make-believe biological weapon…

If you'd like to get in on next month's 'Ring, drop me an email at by April 20th. We hit the fucking lottery with debut reviews coming in from Mandy MooreLor, and Sara Nips (you guys promised!), as well as the regular Round Table of Win, so you KNOW it'll be incredibly epic.

1 comment:

Apfel said...

Hahahh I loved it!! I might actually download the movie I have a lot of free time to pass :p

I loved the labels too "proof that people actually love me" :P