Oh, Canada! The Birthday Suit Edition (Volume 2)

Every year on April 12, I team up with Allison from My Quarter-Life Crisis to do something fun and imaginative for her birthday. In 2010, we teamed up for Bloggerstock. In 2011, she commissioned myself and several other unwilling victims participants to send her a Birthday Playlist of songs that are all about her. Narcissist. <3<3<3

Last year... well, last year, we got lazy and I think I just sent her a card or something. Oops. FAIL.

This time, I really wanted to make up for my lack of creative juices (haha. "Juices."), so I decided to go all out. Allison is Canadian (and also from the hometown of my future child support, Ryan Gosling), and she claims that they have very limited access to all things Dunkin' Donuts. This is unacceptable to me, because Dunkin' Donuts brews the world's greatest coffee, so I sent her a packet of that. She was also curious as to how Kit-Kats in this country are consumed (is this Canada or Neptune?), so I threw in a bag of those as well.

Allison and I also decided to make each other mix CD's. This could be because we wanted to keep with our "music" theme, or also because we're terrified of getting older and are desperately trying to hang onto our last shred of immaturity. At any rate, I went a little overboard and chose so many songs that they spilled over onto two discs, because that's how I roll.

I tailored my CD's specifically toward Allison- I included songs that had good beats for running, some picks from the aforementioned birthday post and, of course, the requisite Canadian tuneage. I also made sure to have some songs that were geared towards the two of us and our remarkable, heart-tugging friendship (i.e. The Good Life, One More Time, Raise Your Glass, anything Foo Fighters). Also of course there's some Radiohead on there, because it wouldn't be a Nugs-made product if there weren't.

Here are Allison's Birthday Mixes, for your perusal:

OH, CANADA! PART 1:
All I Really Want- Alanis Morissette
Gold Lion- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Rock & Roll Queen- The Subways
Parallel Universe- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Los Angeles is Burning- Bad Religion
Gold on the Ceiling- The Black Keys
Clumsy- Our Lady Peace
Karma Police- Radiohead
The World Is New- Save Ferris
Alison- Elvis Costello
Raise Your Glass- P!nk
Borderline- Madonna
We Are All Made Of Stars- Moby
The Good Life- Cracker
One More Time- Daft Punk
We Are Young- Fun.
Any Time At All- The Beatles
Shining Light- Ash

OH, CANADA! PART 2:
Move Along- The All-American Rejects
Steady As She Goes- The Raconteurs
Teardrop- Massive Attack
Young Blood- The Naked and Famous
Promises- Nero
Marigold (Live)- Foo Fighters
All I Ever Wanted- The Airborne Toxic Event
Everybody Got Their Something- Nikka Costa
Dog Days Are Over- Florence + The Machine
American Girl- Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
Fight For Your Right- Beastie Boys
Queen- Another One Bites the Dust- Queen
You, Me and the Bourgeoisie- The Submarines
Do Everything Now- Saint Motel
Heartbeats- The Knife
If I Had a Gun- Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds
Since U Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson
Dancing On My Own- Robyn

I did try to be all "forward" and shit and find a bunch of artists that Allison might not know and therefore would discover and think of me whenever she visualized her cooler friends, and I assumed that I did a really good job with this until I received her mix:


AL'S MIX:
Keep The Car Running (Live)- Foo Fighters
Stompa- Serena Ryder
John Lennon- Arkells
Wicked and Weird- Buck 65
Almost Crimes- Broken Social Scene
My Body's a Zombie For You- Dead Man's Bones
Miracle Mile- Down With Webster
Shadow of a Ghost- Emma-Lee
The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead- Final Fantasy
Canada Geese- Gord Downie
The Hazards of Sitting Beneath Palm Trees- Hayden
Seeds- Hey Rosetta!
Alison- Jeremy Fisher
Hayloft- Mother Mother
Top Yourself- The Raconteurs
Yellow Brick Road- Raine Maida
The Bootleg Saints- Sam Roberts
One Great City!- The Weakerthans
Wolves- Whaletooth
No Glamour in the Hammer- Whitehorse
Honeypie- Wil

Wow. FAIL! on my part, again.

There are some parallels (read: a few of the same bands; songs called Alison- see what we did there? We're so clever), but basically, what this tells me is that Allison is way cooler than I am with a much better taste in music. She also thought to put a song from Ryan Gosling's band on there, which I played over and over (and over) again before actually listening to it.

Since today is Allison's birthday, I have a whole new calendar year to think of something to prove that I'm not completely inept. Just know that it will most likely involve Baby Goose, and quite possibly bail money.

Dead Space Vol. 3- Prison Break!

As always, there are spoilers for the graphic novels in here. So if you care, don't click on the links.

One might think that this post is going up so far behind the episode airing because I'm aiming for dramatic effect, considering The Walking Dead comes back THIS WEEKEND OMGJAZZHANDSOMGJFGDGHJKDVCVCVJCVJKVHBJXHVCBXJ!!!!!!

One would be wrong. I'm just lazy.

Made to Suffer opens with the appearance of Tyreese! Holy shit! Not only is Tyreese awesome, but he's played by Cutty from The Wire, which is the most brilliant program ever created for television. If you have never seen it, trust me- buy it now. You are missing out. Besides the 2013 Ravens, The Wire is probably the only thing that Baltimore has to be proud of.

Tyreese's gang includes himself and a family of three, which is weird because isn't his daughter's boyfriend supposed to show up in this bitch? Oh right- more than one black guy attracts zombies.

Never mind. His daughter, Julie, I assume, is the fifth member, but who the fuck knows with this show? The mom gets bitten on the arm, so Tyreese's gang is all, "cool, let's keep her alive instead of immediately preventing her zombification by killing her. Oh hey, her terrified pre-teen son."

They wander around for a while before coming across the Prison. I don't know why I didn't make this connection before, but we can totally do a Six Degrees game with Sarah Wayne Callies, kind of. In 2005, when she was on Prison Break, (also first-rate programming, if you get the chance to check that out), her character spent all her time in a prison and there was a character called The Governor. Also, she was a morphine addict, and most likely still would have made a better mom than Lori Grimes.

We then cut to Mayberry, where Andrea is trying to look all pretty and shit for her new boyfriend. I'm still confused as to why Andrea is so fucking stupid. I guess I can see not noticing the undead kid in the closet, especially if you're a clueless moron. But how do you completely miss a room with fish tanks full of fucking decapitated heads? That's a pretty messed up hobby. I mean, it's not like The Governor is harboring an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.

 

Glenn and Maggie are still being held captive, and Glenn does a super bad-ass trick where he fashions weapons out of zombie bones. He and Maggie get re-kidnapped by Merle and are ordered to be taken into someplace called the "screamer pit," which, frankly, sounds kind of sexual.

Meanwhile, the Atlanta Gang continues to make their way towards The Governor's camp, continuing to point out how useless Michonne is even though she's the only one who knows where they're going and also brought them food. The entire town of Mayberry has conveniently forgone all security at this point and everyone just waltzes in all, "oh haaaai." Michonne immediately goes to kick The Governor's ass and in doing so finds Penny, whom she mistakes for a regular child until she pulls off the bag and sees the little zombie face. The Governor pleads with Michonne not to hurt his daughter but she isn't having any of that shit and drives a sword through Penny's head. Then there's a ridiculously mind-blowing fight where Michonne breaks one of the fish tanks and slams one of the glass shards into The Governor's eye. Andrea walks in in the middle of all this and is all, "NO!" Whatever, Andrea. We're all already tired of you.

Readers of the books will understand why Michonne hates The Governor so much; he does some pretty horrific things to her on the page. In the TV show, however, he's just an incredible asshole. There is no denying that The Governor is a scumbag, but he hasn't really done anything personally to Michonne to warrant a loathing this formidable. Yet.

Back at the Prison, Carl, who clearly does not watch enough horror movies, runs out to investigate a strange noise and runs into Tyreese and his crew. He shoots and kills the Bitten Mom and then pulls a gun on the rest of them, which prompts them to refer to Carl as a "man." While last season this would have seemed like a ludicrous concept, Carl is actually shaping up to be not totally useless. Well played, writers and/or Chandler Riggs.

So everyone escapes from Mayberry except for Daryl, who has probably chosen to stay behind in order to look for his brother. The Governor, who has apparently taped some paper towel over his eye, captures him and parades him in front of the residents. He informs them that Daryl is a terrorist, and that Merle is his brother and that now there needs to be a showdown between them. I recommend a dance-off, with lifts and glitter leggings. That would be amazing.

NOT GAY.

I'm guessing the writers won't kill Daryl, since he's the definition of "fan favorite," but he's not in the novels so basically they can do whatever they want. These last two months have been real nail-biters, especially for me because I bite my nails. Personally, I think Rick is going to come back, save both Daryl and Merle and kick some Governor ass. Then everyone is going to make out.

I said not gay!

I would also like to point out that SyFy brainlessly decided that this Sunday is the night that they are finally going to air Battlestar Galactica: Blood and Chrome- directly opposite the return of The Walking Dead. I'm of course not a television program director, but this seems like just about the dumbest move they could possibly make. I have On Demand so I can catch one of them later but still. TWD already has an established audience that is anticipating Season 3.2 probably more than the birth of their first child. I loved BSG, but there is no way I'm missing zombies on TV.

Anyway, let me know if you tuned into this, and what you thought of the episode. I promise I will recap Season 3.2 in a more timely manner, and uh, sorry about my epic fail.

Zero Dark Thirty

I'll bet you've all spent the last month sitting at your laptops, anxiously hitting the reload button until I put up my next post, wondering where I've been. I didn't die; I didn't become a world traveler or get offered a new employment opportunity anywhere remotely in the six figures. No, I'm just really fucking lazy and lack motivation. Sorry, kids.

At any rate, the last month has had some recent developments which, as my duty (haha. "Duty.") as a blogger, I feel I should share with you all. Let's run it down in list form, because I'm pretty sure you're all too busy and/or impatient to sit through an hour's worth of my shit:

1) Let's get the biggest deal out of the way first: as much as I tried to avoid this like Taylor Swift avoids actual talent, I finally turned thirty. Despite a minor freakout, it actually doesn't feel that different from 29, mostly because I'm still giggling at words like "feel."

Despite being knocked down by a heavy case of the "Mutant Cold," I had a relatively nice, low-key birthday in New York City, with a guest appearance from one of my favorite Bloggi, Tabs, who flew in from Canada for the funeral procession. Since I was sick, I couldn't do everything I had anticipated, and I'll be having a do-over this summer. I expect way more of you to be there, so get on that right now.

Hitting thirty also won me the coveted "Last Chance Blogger" Bootleg award over at 20sb, which is interesting because didn't I also win this shit last year? How old do you people think I am? I was also up for "Most Opinionated," but seeing as how Tits and I were both nominated, we probably split the vote and that's why neither of us won.  Oh, well- thank you anyway! It's awesome to know that you guys love me so much that you thought I was ancient even when I wasn't.

(Also, shout-out to Ginny, who was voted "Best 20sb Contributor." I would make an "In My Pants" joke here but I honestly can't think of one right now.)

B) I'm still on the job hunt. At this point I'm basically trying for anything; however, I did apply for a social media job with the New York Rangers that I am absolutely 100% under-qualified for. I managed not to make a complete ass of myself and not send a cover letter that basically stated OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU PICK ME I LOVE THE RANGERS PICK ME PICK ME LKJKFJKHJGSDFJHFJKLKVNFJNCHSZVCJNFKLNDFJFHDVHVBGJFGBGHBF
PS- I want your goalie to impregnate me. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Yeah, so that didn't happen. Probably a genius idea on their part.

THUNDERCAT) The best part of being back in New York is definitely having the chance to reconnect with my friends and family. My brothers housed me for my first two weeks, and despite having the sound effects to NHL 13 permanently lodged in my brain, it was great to hang with them after being physically separated for seven months.

After that, it was time to hit up everyone I hung with in school. I'm still in touch with 90% of them, and within two days I was back with my old crowd. One of them in particular, who has made a brief appearance on this blog as Bri-Winning, was the first one to invite me out, and in doing so introduced me to the guy I'm currently dating.

You did read that right, FYI- the Mayan calendar was probably another year off because I managed to trick some poor dude into keeping me around after conversing with me for more than five minutes. Heretofore dubbed "Iron Man," we've been together a little over a month, and he seems relatively normal. I've already met or know most of his friends and they're all cool as shit, too. Iron Man has yet to see my robot collection or any of my Star Trek memorabilia, so I haven't fucked this up. Yet. There won't be much written about him here, but the relationship will be drawn out over on Snark & Sex, because he doesn't know that one exists.

I'm fucking amazing.

In case you're all wondering, my Iron Man doesn't look at all like RDJ's Iron Man, or I already would have roofied him into marriage.

Please. I'm taken, not dead.

So there it is- my last month, laid out for you (haha. "Laid"). I still need to get to my last Dead Space recap in time for the second half of the season, and I also need to get off my ass and come up with new ideas for my next few posts. So I am still alive, and functional (?), and I will be around more. I promise.

I love you.

PS- we're looking for guest bloggers over at S&S. If you want to share how your met your significant others or what your first date was like, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com. We need you from now until Valentine's Day.

Nugs and Tits Do Thanksgiving (Hahaha. "Do.")

For those of you who are living in 1) a foreign country B) outer space or COPERNICUS) anywhere else I forgot, it's Thanksgiving weekend in the US. Normally I would commemorate this event with a post but I stupidly agreed to cook and bake this year, so I've been running around like a ferret on speed for the past 48 hours and forgot to write one.

Luckily I have two blogs, and over on Snark and Sex, Coyote Tits took the Thanksgiving reins (oh haaaai) and put up a blog entry dictating how to survive the holiday at your significant other's house. Since I contributed to a good third of that, the work was pretty much done for me and I just decided to post our joint effort here as well. Plus this gives me another chance to shamelessly promote myself, so there's that.

Whether you're spending this Thanksgiving alone and depressed, or you're with your date's family and depressed, or with your own family and depressed, here's mine and Tits' sacred manual of rules on how to withstand the holidays.

PS- there's a drinking game! You're welcome.

Tits' genius advice is in blue; my infinite wisdom is in red.

1. Do Not bring your dog. I don't care how cute Precious is and that she's normally so well-behaved and fits in your purse. Don't do it. Especially if they are Tits' dogs (below). She likes to think she's an awesome mom but it's really because she lets them get away with fucking murder because they're so adorable and she's a pushover.





As cute as they are, remember that they will hog all the food and/or attention.

2. Do Not wear sweat pants, Ugg boots and an old tank top. At least try to look like you are making an effort.


3. Do Not complain about the food. I don't care if it doesn't taste like your grandma's mashed potatoes, and so what that they have oysters at their dinner. Keep your bitching to yourself.


4. If you have a food allergy tell someone in advance. My sisters are lactose intolerant and so we tell everyone like 20 times in advance or bring our own food. Don't show up and be like "yeah I'm gluten free, vegan and allergic to garlic."


5. Do Not try to have sex at their house. Can you spell awkward? Nugs: That never happened to me that one time in college or anything. 


6. Do Not flirt with someone who isn't your date. I don't care if his older brother is Brad fucking Pitt, wait till after Thanksgiving to flirt with him. Nugs: Unless said brother is Baby Goose. Then all bets are totally off, and no one would blame you. Especially me.





7. Do Not get drunk - Even if the family makes you fucking insane, try to limit yourself to enough wine to just get you tipsy.


8. Do Not smoke. Anything. Even if offered. This is clearly a trick. Again, this never happened to me, ever.


9. Do Not bring up taboo topics. Find out what they are in advance and avoid them at all costs. Whether this be religion, politics, cats vs. dogs, Dancing With the Stars or the New York Yankees a.k.a. the Evil Empire, learn what gets your date's family all wonky and DO NOT DISCUSS.


10. Do know how to dress. CANNOT BE STRESSED ENOUGH. I don't care if your "best feature" is your amazing rack; it's probably not the best idea to shove it in his parents' face. Usually a nice pair of jeans and a dressy top that doesn't put the goods on display is your best bet. Unless, of course, his brother is Baby Goose. See Rule #6.


11. Do know how to win over every family member individually. While this may seem like the ultimate in horrific situations, don't commit suicide just yet. Basically the key to mastering this art is what I (and the US Army) refer to as "Divide and Conquer:"

THE MOM: This is the most difficult, since showing up at her Thanksgiving feast is an admission that you're being railed on the regular by her baby boy (doesn't matter what his birth order is; he will ALWAYS be her baby boy). The trick to winning over his mother is to go on and on about how amazing her son is (not in that way, because GROSS). Also offer to help out during dinner as often as you can, especially with dishes. Getting his mom to love you is by far the most important because if she hates you, it only goes downhill from there. Seriously, I've been there with a mom hating me. I always like to volunteer to bring something like cookies or wine.

THE DAD: The males of the family are always easier for me, probably because I'm half a dude myself and I realize now how weird that made me sound. The best strategy for the father is innocent flirting- "oh, Mr. Gosling, I see where your son gets his great ass. Eyes! I meant eyes." Just kidding. Never talk about anyone's ass. Keep it to neutral topics such as intelligence and snappy dressing, or radiation levels.

If this is any of his relatives let me know. I'll be right over.

SIBLINGS: Dealing with siblings is usually more manageable due to the fact that your date will probably brief you on the situation prior to your arrival. If one of their brothers or sisters is exceptionally unbearable you'll most likely have been prepared for it way in advance. For the regular, more normal siblings, mastering them should be relatively (see what I did there?) more simple: 

• BROTHERS: Brothers are pretty painless- just sit down in front of the TV and watch the football game with them. If you're a fan, don't hold back with the commentary. If you're not, let them know that you're "trying to get into it." Also, it helps if you're moderately attractive. Just sayin. 
• SISTERS: Contrary to what my scintillating personality may have you believing, I am, in fact, of the feminine persuasion, so I am aware that the best way to charm a woman is to let her talk about herself. Find out from your date what she's into and ask her questions, and let her dominate the conversation. You're in.

12. Do use this handy guide from HappyPlace.com with your own family. You'll thank us later.

Good luck with whatever you're dragged to this holiday season, and remember that I'm always thankful for all of you. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and I mean that in every possible way.

So... This Is Real

It's pretty common knowledge that I'm a sports fanatic- I keep insisting on posting about ESPN-type shit even though no one comments on them (or, most likely, even reads them). So everyone is probably thinking that I'm all up in the Summer Olympics.

I do have an enormous amount of respect for the competing athletes. Have you guys seen the stamina that these people have? Sometimes I get winded just walking up the stairs to the laundry room, especially in ninety degrees. My favorite part of the Olympics so far was when Ginntastic was telling me about all the gymnastics, and I realized I was on my 47th Cheez-It. Clearly by "favorite" I actually mean "embarrassing."

I'm so alone.

However, I totally do not get this whole Ryan Lochte deal. I mean, from the neck down, YES. But from the neck up? Not so much. His face kind of looks like evolution stopped just short right before it got to him.

Yeah no.

Also, Lochte seems like a massive douche (even his mom thinks so!), and he pees in pools! Gross. There is only room for one Ryan, and it is NOT you. Go home.

That's what I'm talkin' about. I'll be in my room.

Besides that, have any of you noticed some of the "sports" that are vying for medals this year? I mean, sure, there are worthy categories such as soccer, football, basketball, volleyball, swimming and gymnastics; but allow me to introduce you to some of the more ridiculous "games" that they have going on:

Handball
Rowing
Shooting
Table Tennis
Badminton
Horse Dressage (come on, now)

Recently I also found out from Coyote Tits that the Olympics also has a spot for trampolines. I thought she was kidding until we had this conversation on Facebook:

Nugs they have trampolines?
           are you fucking with me?
Coyote Tits no
                     this is an actual sport, it's already given out its medals
Nugs no it's not
          just because it's played doesn't mean it's a sport
Coyote Tits i mean it doesn't say Olympic sports
                    its Olympic games
Nugs trampoline isn't a game
          it's something five year olds do in the backyard
          and walking? is there a medal if you can do that and chew gum at the same time too?
Coyote Tits only if you are playing Olympic ping-pong
Nugs ok, stop
          this shit can't be real
          why isn't napping in the Olympics?
Coyote Tits hahahahaha
Nugs I would win all the medals
          all of them

(You can read Tits' version of the Olympic phenomenon here. Why no one has published a book filled with our conversations yet, I have no idea. We are WAY funnier than Texts From Last Night, and that shit is a bestseller. Practically.)

Also the guy who won the gold in trampolining is named Dong Dong. Try to look at that and not laugh.

Don't get me wrong, some of the crap in the Winter Olympics is pretty retarded too. I mean, what the fuck is curling? That's not a sport; that's housework. Apparently the 2014 Games also have something called Skeleton which better have a fucking dancing puppet wearing a top hat or I'm boycotting everything.

I'm not downplaying the Olympics at all- the athletes contending for the gold, or even the silver or bronze, can say much more for themselves than I ever could. The last marathon that I successfully accomplished was seasons three-four of Doctor Who, and that was without commercials. But synchronized dancing? Really? My friends and I did that at the junior prom. We thought we were awesome.


          

The Olympics should definitely add some new categories so people start taking them more seriously in 2016. For example: napping. Or eating Cheez-Its. I would rock that shit; just sayin'.

And... DIE (Version 2.0)

Over a week has passed since the illustrious miracle/humiliating shitshow that was the Radiohead concert that I went to in Santa Barbara. A lot of you (a.k.a. three people) are probably all, "where the hell is the blog post detailing this momentous event?" You most likely figured I 


1) had a massive stroke and/or coronary brought on from the ecstasy and/or lunacy I experienced before I even arrived at the venue, which would not have been a totally out of the way guess, BTW;


B) drowned in a sea of my own tears, brought on when they played anything, all night;


or


PIRANHA) got arrested for refusing to leave the Bowl hours after the band left and attempting to find new and interesting ways to track down the band members and explain why I should accompany them on the rest of their tour. Also not a totally out of the way guess, BTW.

Fortunately (?) for you guys (and also for me), I was just really lazy and am just getting around to posting today. I was going to apologize for the extended hold time, but then I remembered that I just took an eight-month break, so haaaai.


Haha. "Hold."


Anyway. My boss' fiancee called me to warn me that the weather forecast for Santa Barbara was pretty shitty- 50 degrees and rainy, and that the venue didn't allow umbrellas. Regardless of the fact that the SB Bowl was run by a bunch of assholes, she could have said that there were flash floods and hailstorms and I still would have traveled on foot, so this did not deter me at all. This just proved to me that, much like everything else on the planet, Thom Yorke clearly controls the weather as well, since SoCal now resembled England. I grabbed a hooded sweatshirt and trash bags and we were out the door.


After 2 1/2 hours in the car, where I spent the entire ride doing that thing that dogs do where they get super excited that they're going to the park, we finally arrived right as Radiohead took the stage. 






We totally missed the opening act because of traffic, which I'm kind of bummed about because they are pretty badass. I mean, they opened for Radiohead so they must have been worth checking out live. If you guys are interested in listening for yourselves, they're called Other Lives and their link is here.


Thom apologized a bunch of times for the rain, which was really nice of him, but no one seemed to care that we were all getting dumped on- Radiohead has such a rabid fan base that I doubt anyone even noticed.


The band played all the tracks from The King of Limbs, opening the set with "Bloom," and almost everything from In Rainbows, which is a fucking masterpiece and one of their best albums. The last song they played before their two (!) encores was "Idioteque," which is when my hands started squee'ing all over the place. I was probably like a 15-year-old boy touching boobs for the first time. Also incorporated into the setlist were iTunes tracks "Identikit," "The Daily Mail" and "Staircase," which are also incredible and all Radiohead fans should download them immediately. The only other songs they played that weren't really recent were "Planet Telex," from The Bends (my favorite of their records), and PARANOIDANDROIDOHMYGODHOLYSHIT, which closed out the night. In case you haven't figured it out yet, that was when I totally fangirl'd out and started sobbing profusely. It was extremely embarrassing and I'm probably fortunate that I still have a job. 






There is actual video footage of me crying like a toddler; however, it will not be shown due to that whole "anonymity" deal. And also because I'm vain as fuck.


Also my boss told me that Sawyer from Lost was standing right in front of us, but I saw him and I think it was just some dude who looked like him from the side. Doesn't matter; no one could detract from my Radiohead experience. Not even anyone who looks like this with his shirt off:

OK, maybe a little.

I never buy souvenirs at concerts anymore, but this was Radiohead, so of course I shelled out a disgusting amount of cash and bought a bunch of shit that I will totally regret when my next bank statement comes in the mail. 

Of course one show wasn't enough, so on Saturday I stayed home to watch Coachella's live YouTube feed. Dude, those people got "There, There," "Everything In Its Right Place," and "KARMA POLICE" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) along with everything else that we heard in Santa Barbara. WHAT. 






As soon as I heard the opening to "Karma Police" I lost my shit. I am so glad I live alone. 


I am beyond stoked that I FINALLY got to see Radiohead live (one might say "insane," but I already put a disclaimer up above, so their opinion is already invalid). There were four years between Hail to the Thief and In Rainbows, and another four between In Rainbows and The King of Limbs, so I'm guessing it will be a while before their next tour. When that happens I hope it doesn't sell out in 12 seconds, and even if it does, I am not above jail time. 

Don't Call It A Comeback

Or, call it what you want. Whatever. I've been gone for like eight months. Let's do this.

This is not an April Fool's Day joke, yo. I know what you're thinking.

I'm not going to be one of those bloggers that's all, "sorry I left," and then offers up a bunch of shit reasons as to why I haven't posted in almost a year. The truth is, you probably don't care, and after a few months weeks hours of checking to see whether or not I've been updating, you realized that I was probably too lazy and moved on to other blogs that more deserving of your time and effort.

Yeah, well, I am sorry. It turns out I do have a soul- or just a Jewish mother who practically took a class in guilt-tripping and was all like, "at least let your adoring public know that you're not dead." I tried to explain that I don't have an adoring public, just a few people who really wanted me to start writing again (one of them, my friend Jorge, is one of the new additions to my blogroll- more on that later. You can blame him and Coyote Tits for being the two who really got my ass in gear. Tits' definition of "loving text messages" are "I don't see a post from you yet, bitch." Disclaimer: we may both have been slightly hammered at the time.

So, right- the vanishing act that I pulled back in August. When I last left That Ain't Kosher I think I had just moved back to LA. I was still sponging off both of my parents, hoping for either a) that sweet unemployment check or b) that my extreme flexibility skills would finally come in handy in the job market ("able to put legs behind head" combined with "ninja napping" would have definitely worked if I took over HR, is all I'm saying). I'd been promised a new job in California but based on the stellar track record I'd experienced I was basically planning on hitting up all the local fast food chains I could think of.

So far, this work situation has been a relatively cush deal- I'm the right hand to the CEO at an indie film production company. When I'm not working from home (which means sleeping in!), I sometimes get to travel to cool places like London, and if I'm there long enough, I'll get to go to all the film festivals next year. I also get to read scripts before they're developed, and I spend a lot of time doing nerdy shit like research and designing spreadsheets, which is pretty much my sexual chocolate.

Someone please buy me a shirt that says this. I'll be yours forever. KTHNX. <3

Bonus: I never have to deal with actors, producers, directors and anyone else that would probably act like a complete asshole. My boss basically relies on me for everything, though, even things that he could do in two seconds, and never gives me any follow-up, so I'm pretty much ready to start looking for something else. We'll see how shit goes down.

Speaking of working from home, I'm finally back in my own place! My girls in the Nip Clique have been fostering my illegal obsession decorating skillz by sending me robot accessories and Gosling pictures, so keep coming back for news on that front.

Haha. "Coming."

Oh haaaai, future alimony check.

I don't think it's really necessary to get into the mind-blowingly miserable deal that is my social life. While again, I have the Nip Clique to keep me from going completely insane, there are only like two people here that bring my tolerance level up to eleven, and neither of them are of the penis variety. I spent the Fall and Winter taking leisurely escapes from LA and managed to hit Chicago with Lily (twice!), Missouri with Shelly and Nicole, and FINALLY got in that weekend in NOLA with Sara, where she got me loaded for my birthday. Yvonne, that freeloading bitch, came on all the trips with us and then ran away with all our cash and liquor. We have no idea where she is right now- last I heard she was on her way to Boston to steal a bunch of shit from Ginny. My next planned vacation is for the last two weekends in May when I embark on the Nugs East Coast Tour. If any of you are around, hit me up! We should totally hang.

Oh yeah, my birthday- so that happened. I have nine months left of my second decade. I'm turning thirty in January.

FUCK ME.

Anyway, I haven't been totally away from the blogging community. I've still been pretty active on 20sb, and I've even tricked some of you into thinking I deserved a Bootleg Award (technically, I wasn't a Last Chance Blogger yet, so I can take it again this year! I'm starting my campaign now. I have cookies). I'm also still 1/5 of the Snark Squad- we also won a Bootleg for Best Group Blog, which was truly awesome. You guys are the best.

So I'm back. I can't promise anything life-changing or even eloquently witty, because I am definitely not yet back in the game. I can, however, give you an updated TAK, like changes to the blogroll and a new layout (soon! I promise), SMAC and quite possibly Aural Sex, epic guest posters and the eventual return of my acerbic humor and inappropriate commentary. I promise I will never, ever leave all of you for this long again.

Transform and roll out.

AURAL SEX: GUEST MINIONS EDITION

It's not Tuesday.

I will defend myself by stating that this post is NOT LATE. First of all, it's Friday the 13th today, so I figured this was a good day to post instead of the usual Tuesday. Because I'm scary. BAM.

I also wanted to give you even more time to get your stuff in. And only three more of you actually did it. Really, you guys? Really? You had like two months. FAIL. No more waiting. You lose.

For those that did manage to send me your music picks, you are all countless shades of awesome. Thank you for participating in this month's edition of Aural Sex. I can't pay you or anything, because my first paycheck hasn't come in yet and I'm surviving on tap water and soup, but um... YAY? Do you accept sweaty hugs? Or straddling?

Anyway, for May's Guest Minions Edition of Aural Sex, I recruited some of my friends to send me their favorite bands and most anticipated summer albums. I would have done it myself, but you all get more than enough of me every month, and besides, I'm equal parts busy and lazy.

So, uh, yeah. I'm out of funny today because I'm working fourteen hour days and barely even remembered to post this. So here you go. I highly recommend that you download all most of these.

PS- I totally wasn't kidding about the straddling. I don't have a lot going on.

ALLISON, MY QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS

Allison was my very first guest post so I'm psyched to have her at That Ain't Kosher. Despite being from Canada, her taste in music puts mine to shame. Fun fact about Allison and I (put the camera away, you disgusting pervs!)- I wrote for her "iTunes Playlist Tuesday" last month when I sent her a Birthday Playlist. Keep on giving, yo.

1) Lungs, Florence + the Machine: Strong female voices are few and far between in the music biz, which is why when one comes along I get super excited. Florence Welch has some powerful pipes - but it's not just pop music, there's real heart and grit to her songs. I can listen to this album from start to finish and not skip a track.

2) Eureka, Mother Mother: This band from Vancouver, British Columbia (that's in Canada) features a male lead, two females who play keys and sing harmony vocals, a bassist and drummer. The music is fun and dancy - only with clever lyrics and interesting vocals. I loved their last album, O My Heart, so much much that I was worried about this one disappointing me - but it did not.

3) Collider, Sam Roberts: This album just came out, but I love it already. This is the Montreal artists' fourth full length album, and each one has had a slightly different sound. I'd say this record is his most rock & roll yet. The single, "I Feel You," is probably the most bluesy and gritty track he's ever released. I've seen Sam live several times, but I'd love to see tracks from this album live.

Thanks for inviting me to help with your music column Nugs!

COYOTE TITS, DANCING ON THE BAR OF LIFE

Tits is one of my best bloggy friends ever. How much do I love this girl? Let's count the ways.

1) She sends me sexy texts about office supplies (yellow legal pads give me fetish dreams)

B) The Nip Clique recently pooled our 35 cent life savings together and sent her a birthday gift basket of chocolate and midgets. (Just kidding about the chocolate)

Meerkat) Have you seen her legs? She is so hot. 

BONUS) Even though she likes Fallout Boy (I know.), I am still letting her post for me. Take a look:

Okay so like three months weeks ago, Nugs asked me to give her the three Cd's I am most anticipating in the next couple months. And like the awful friend I am, i am just now getting it to her. Yeah, I blame that life thing i sometimes have some semblance of. Since Nugs already covered the epic new Foo Fighters Album, i am going to leave it off my list even though my heart beats with death of a thousand suns for the Foo Fighters.

Vices and Virtues by Panic! at the Disco (March 22): Okay so technically I already own this album. I totes bought it the day it was released. Mock if you must (and most of you must) I love Panic almost as much as I loved Fall Out Boy (I'm still in mourning over the break-up). Even though they are now a duo instead of a quartet, it doesn't feel like anything is missing from the sound. Vices and Virtues is the perfect mix of A Fever You Can't Sweat Out and Pretty. Odd. It tends to fall back on the original Panic! sound but with some sweet notes from their foray into beatles-esque that was their second CD.

This Loud Morning by David Cook (June 28): So I totally admit I still watch American Idol, and I voted for David Cook. I was pretty much won over by him when he turned Lionel Richie's Hello into an Emo song. I'm excited to see what he's going to do for his sophomore Cd. He debuted the lead-off song The Last Goodbye on Idol a couple weeks ago, and it was hands down the best song sung on Idol in the last year. He has a talent and a musicality that current Idol contestants are just lacking.

Gravity Happens by Kate Voegele (May 24): Singer-Songwriter-Musician and current One Tree Hill cast member Voegele has been hard at work on her third CD. Voegele has a very current interesting sound similar to Sara Bareilles, with a little bit of a harder edge. Voegele plays both piano and guitar and she could certainly be the new face of Chick-Rock ala Alanis Morissette except with a less angry-lesbian vibe. I love her second Cd, A Fine Mess, and i'm sure i'm going to love this one too.

Bonus: Somewhere in the Stratosphere by Shinedown (May 3): Not really a CD of new music, Shinedown is releasing a 2 CD/ 2DVD set of music from live sets from both their acoustic and electric tours. I happen to love their last album, Sound of Madness, even though i was never really a Shinedown fan previously. So i'm excited to get a listen to this album, i expect the competing versions of stripped down to electric are going to cause me to have some sort of eargasam. I willing to place bets that i like the acoustic version a little bit better.

DAVID SHORTT, MY LIFE ALONE

I don't know David that well, but he seems pretty cool. He also informed me that this is his first guest post, so essentially, I stole a dude's V-card. I wish it were the first time. 

HAHAHA! No, seriously.

1.  The Dears - Super amazing band out of Montreal, Canada.  The lead singer (Murray Lightburn) has been called 'the black Morrissey'.  That's about as good a description as any.  Their lyrics are amazing, and the music is intense.  Check this out, you will thank me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw3ruwwewFo

2.  Counting Crows - Call me a wuss if you must, but I LOVE Counting Crows.  The first time I head them was many years ago.  The song was Angels Of The Silences, and it was unlike anything else I'd heard in popular music at the time.  I was singing along to it, even though I didn't even know the right words.  No other band has done this for me since.  If I could pick one band to create a concept album based on my life, Counting Crows would be it.  Their songs somehow cut down to the emotional core of things better than any other band I know.  If all you know of them is the hits like Mr. Jones and Long December, you're missing out on some even better stuff.

3.  Yeah Yeah Yeahs - M.A.P.S. is just the beginning, people.  It's music to dance/commit crimes/make love to.  Pure, unfiltered awesome, straight to your eardrums.  This is the kind of stuff I like to play if I want to get amped up before going out somewhere to party.  Granted, I don't go out all that much, but the point stands.  Plus, I think the singer (Karen O) is totally hot in an alternative kind of way.   

LILY, IS IT TOO EARLY FOR A MARTINI?

Lily is my heterosexual wife. Whenever I think of her, this happens:

She lives in Chicago so I am definitely planning on visiting her. Soon. Eventually. For now I'll have to settle for sharing a blog with her because I am BROKE.

BTW, she has a SUPER important job interview this week so you all should go over there and send her inappropriate vibes. 

Hola, I’m Lily from Is it too early for a martini? And I volunteered to write for Aural Sex to ramble about my favorite bands. Not only because they’re so awesome, but because every time I talk about them people give my blank stares as if I had the energy to make up imaginary bands. So, thank you Nugs, for letting me bore your readers with the following:

Favorite Band 1: Brand New

This is a band I feel I grew up with. I started listening to them in high school when their first album Your Favorite Weapon came out. It was all angst-y emo stuff about friends fucking each other over. I thought it was an appropriate soundtrack to those eventful years. Then we both grew up a little more. In 2003, the high school sophomore me bought Deja Entendu. Still kind of angst-y, still kind of emo, but not as much. Then The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me came out. I copped it because I heard one song on TV, and was like “oh man! That’s by Brand New?!” As I was listening to it, I thought damn, it’s like Jesse Lachey was following me around this year … One day I was browsing around my favorite nerdy electronics store and saw their latest album Daisy. I bought it. But let me just say, according to my iTunes play count, I haven’t really heard any of it. 

Fave Songs:

“Sic Transit Gloria … Glory Fades”

“The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot”

“Degausser”

“Soco Amaretto Lime”

“You Won’t Know”

Favorite Band 2: The Pipettes

If you like awful music you’ll like these girls. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not BAD per se … it’s just horrible British Pop… or good British Pop… depending how you look at it. The first time I heard The Pipettes, I was in my friends’ dorm room. Procrastinating because I didn’t want to go finish my lab because I thought it was awkward that I had just boned my lab partner… and it wasn’t even that good. My friend was back from doing a study abroad in Austria, so she was very eager to introduce us to new things. She played this little song called “Pull Shapes”. This quickly became our anthem for pre-partying frat party pre-parties (basically we pre-partied the pre-party). What made me fall in love with them? They wear polka-dots. I love polka-dots. They also have little hand movement for their songs. There’s instructional videos for them on YouTube. I may or may not have spent 2 days learning them… 

Fave Songs:

“Our Love Was Saved By Spacemen”

“Pull Shapes”

“One Night Stand”

“It Hurts To See You Dance So Well”

Favorite Band 3: The Click Five

Honestly, I don’t know how or why I started listening to them. All I remember was that it was my sophomore year in college, and I was hanging out in my dorm room listening to Pandora and then BAM! My ears were graced by catchy pop songs. They’re the first band I play when I’m sad and need to be cheered up, stat. Plus, they’re just really good to listen to when just having a really chill day.

Fave Songs: 

“Time Machine” - which was used for a Disney Theme Parks or Universal Studios commercial.

“Just The Girl”

“Say Goodnight”

“Good Day”

Thanks, guys, for getting me your music picks. And also thanks to Tits for not mentioning Fallout Boy (much). I have no idea what I'm doing for June, when Aural Sex celebrates its first birthday (!), but I can promise that... well, I can promise I'll put a column up. That's all I got.