Tuesday, November 30, 2010


It's not often I post twice in one day (actually, I've never done this), but I found this really fucked up video that I had to share with you all because I am terrified and need to alleviate the pain. I found this ad for Orangina while I was surfing around Pajiba.com and immediately subjected everyone in the 20sb chat to its heinous creepiness so I wouldn't be alone. I feel so violated right now. This is just...no.



I hate you, Internet.


Yup, it's Bloggerstock time again, and this month I was fortunate enough to be paired with Michael Venske over at React/Impact. At first I was worried that this was clearly NOT a match, because if you happen to read his blog, it's classy as shit. I mean, dude writes about the New York Film Festival and everything.

However, when he emailed me his post, the first thing he told me was that he "liked my disclaimer," which kind of got me excited because I thought he was coming on to me. Then I remembered that my blog actually has a parental guidance button.


Then after exchanging emails, Michael admitted that he was writing my guest post while half in the bag. That is fucking amazing. I mean, we've all done it, but everyone that's seen me while in my natural state I'm sort of feeling less productive knows that I can barely string together a few coherent sentences, let alone write a full post. I think I just found a new blogoverse friend- or my partner in the greatest heist movie never made.

Anyway, here's his post. To read what I'm not thankful for this month, head over to Gabriel's joint, Playful Paradox.


Hey, I'm Michael, today's guest blogger from Walk | On | Red. If you're looking for your daily dose of That Ain't Kosher, you can find Nugs guest blogging on Gabriel's Playful Paradox. Also visit Walk | On | Red and see what Jennifer from Starving, Insatiable has to say!
Q:     So, what's this Bloggerstock nonsense all about anyway?
A:    Bloggerstock is a group of bloggers blogging on other bloggers' blogs with all the blog posts linked to one another creating a circle-jerk of bloggy proportions related to one topic.
November's Topic:
This time of year everyone is getting ready for Thanksgiving (in the USA), so a lot of people spend a lot of time thinking about what they ARE thankful for. This time we are turning the tables over! Tell us what you are NOT thankful for!
Before we get to my "unthankfuls," I have to say that I'm excited to be posting on That Ain't Kosher! Any blog that comes with a disclaimer is the tits in my book!


unthankful - 1. Not thankful; ungrateful. 2. Not drawing thanks; unwelcome.
What are you unthankful for?
When I think of the world and all the things to be unthankful for, a few things comes to mind easily: the rising cost of living, cops on a power trip, and farts in enclosed spaces. War, rush hour, and black licorice are a close second. And while I could write extensively on how unthankful I am to overhear my neighbors fornicating, I'm seriously struggling with how to write about what I'm NOT thankful for...

Wait! That's it!
Writer's block coupled with fear! I am NOT thankful for writer's block or fear!
For the past few months I've had an idea for a one-person show, but I can't get it onto the page. For the past few years I've had a story (see my Bloggerstock: Theme Song post) I've wanted to put into words, but I can't. It's possible that subconsciously I assume that if I write said one-person play and story that I'll be putting myself -- heart, soul, reputation, career -- on the line and I could fail.
Yikes! That's some scary stuff to realize!
In an effort to conquer my fear and deal with my writer's block, for five minutes I'm going to do some free-writing with my eyes closed. I'm not going to edit the content or censor myself. The following are just thoughts pushed from my fingers.
Five minutes on the clock. Timer's ready. Set. Write!
I need a fucking desk! There was a Bloggerstock post question a few months ago that asked about what was one your desk... I didn't participate because I don't have a desk. I have a laptop. I don't have a desk. If I had a desktop, I suppose I would need the desk, but I jus take my computer with me everywhere and... That's probably it. I don't have aa homebase to write at. I don't have my "comfort zone." Yeah, I need a desk. I'm moving. Moving in the middle of a middesota winter. I don't know if that registered, I'm gonna type it again: Minnesota winter. Yep. Technically I'm moving tomorrow I think. I need to drop off the remainder of my deposit and then I'll get the keys... I'm not looking forward to moving up four flights of stairs, but at least I'll be warm while I'm busing things in and out of my car up the stairs... I didn't really want to move, but it's one of those crappy grown-up decisions I had to make in an effort to save my home. So I'm leaving, renters are coming in. On the plus side, my new apartment will be right next to my favorite bar. Not that it really matters, but it's always nice to know a nightcap is just a few flights down. Pause. Pause. Pause. The important thing is to keep writighting and keep teh fingers moving. For afew beats there I stopped and let my fingers rest and my brain think. I suppose that's probably a mistake. I turned my screen off so i can't see what I'm writing, I wish I could, but that's probably wise that I can't. I'm kinda in love with editing as I write and it's a serious problem. Subconsciously -- THAT'S TIME!
Okay. I think I know what I need to do: write. every. day. Honestly, that's part of why I separated my acting blog from the-things-I-want-write-about blog -- so I could write about whatever I want and not worry about offending a potential client, director, etc.
Bloggerstock, thanks for helping me get to the root of what's been bothering me!

Michael Venske (Walk | On | Red) is a Minneapolis-based actor & educator whose career highlights include hugging Grammy-award winner Chuck Mangione and being paid. Michael has been blogging on and off for nearly ten years. Read other subjective thoughts at Walk | On | Red or his acting blog.

Monday, November 29, 2010


Thanksgiving is over, and holy shit, am I stuffed. I anxiously wait for Turkey Day every year because A) hello, food and B) it’s the only day of the “holiday season” that I can actually share with my yule-logging friends.

My brothers, who are both in corporate retail, had to work through dinner this year. My mom thinks of this as like the Eighth Deadly Sin- somewhere between Gluttony and Sloth- (isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about, though?) and this left she and my grandmother to pick up the cooking slack.

Let me address the prosecution by stating that I am in no way a fuck-up in the kitchen. Last year Thanksgiving was at my place, and I made pretty much everything while my brother lay on the couch and claimed that he couldn’t “reach” anything to help me (BTW, he’s 6’3).

However, no delicacy I’ve ever whipped up can compare to my mom’s culinary handiwork. Not only has she mastered the all the traditional holiday treats, but she also puts her own delicious, creative spin on everything. I lost count of how many times she threw me out of the kitchen and smacked my hands away because of excessive “nibbling.” But how will she know when the food is suitable for the belly if I don’t taste-test it first? (Shout-out to Christina for agreeing with me via the magic of Twitter.) When it comes to holiday cooking I usually let my mom do her own thing, because if I contribute anything it will definitely result in some sort of 911 call.

After I proceeded to stuff myself to the point where I had to change into stretchy pants, it was time to lounge on my grandma’s insanely comfortable sofa and watch the Jets kick the shit out of the Bengals. Once I realized that the people in the apartment across the street could totally see me doing my victory dance like a retard, I decided to scrap that and leave dirty holiday season greetings for all my friends. (“Prepping the Turkey:” innocent Thanksgiving ritual or kinky, sexual fetish? Discuss.)

While I was busy writing NSFW messages on text and Facebook (the ones between Lor and I are especially disturbing), I noticed that Rockstar had left me a wall post demanding that I consummate my annual laziness with a viewing of Thankskilling on Hulu.

This just sells itself, no?
Now, for those of you who have not yet had the honor of being introduced to this epic masterpiece, I feel very, very sorry for you. This cinematic glory was first launched into my life thanks to a hilarious review from McGriddle Pants at Serenity Now!! Insanity Later, without whom my world would be a dark and desolate place with no hope. Nothing I can say will even do this “movie” justice, so just take my advice, because in this case it’s worth more than naked pictures of Jon Hamm, and just download it.

Or just try and find the naked pics of Jon Hamm. Either way, you win.
I was also dumb enough to venture into Manhattan this weekend to window shop during the Black Friday sales. I barely escaped with all my limbs intact, because I’m stupid. And also small.

Anyway, Thanksgiving Weekend 2010 is officially over, but the holiday season is my absolute favorite time to be in New York City, and I’ll be posting about it soon over spiked hot chocolate. In the meantime, here’s a list of what I was thankful for this year:

-Naked pictures of Jon Hamm (I know they’re out there)
-Chocolate and/or milkshakes
-New York City pizza
-New York City in general
-My mom’s cooking
- Justin Bieber is not an American citizen, so there’s a chance he might be deported
- NBC decided not to cancel Chuck (SCORE!)
-The Walking Dead
-At least I have the Jets
-The Beatles are on iTunes!!!
-Bad Religion’s new album
-College football!
-Words that sound dirty no matter what the context (insert, extend, hard…)
-The beautiful awful-ness of the SyFy Channel Original Movies
-You all voted me Featured Blogger on 20sb (<3 <3 <3) (PS- everyone go over there and vote for Mandy Moore for December)
-The Nip Clique
-This blog- cheaper than therapy and just as effective
-My friends (blogoverse, terrestrial, and those of you that have blended into both), family and everyone else that’s helped me through one of the most difficult and shittiest years of my life so far. I’d be a lot more fucked up if it weren’t for each and every one of you. Thank you, really. Nugs loves you.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


If you’re an avid supporter of my blog you may have noticed two recurring themes: One, my constant ingenious assassination attempts against Justin Bieber; and two, my undying devotion to live music.

Since I can’t actively try to kill that little shit without drawing attention to myself and therefore creating a hefty criminal record (ha…creating. Let’s go with that), this month’s Aural Sex is focused on the healthier part of my obsession- those particular concerts that changed my life, that inspired me, or that stirred something in me I never knew I had. Here’s my list:

(Some of these aren't from the actual shows that I went to, because I couldn't find the posters for those. Obviously, they were all in the tri-state area.)



I’d already seen Bad Religion at Warped Tour a billion years ago, but this show was so much better because it was their 30th Anniversary Tour, so this one was entirely about them. They played for about an hour and a half, and while they focused mostly on this past decade, they did some of their old stuff, too. Everyone went nuts for “Los Angeles is Burning,” which is my absolute favorite BR song. Their encore was like, four songs long, also.

I’m also crazy for Off With Their Heads, a punk band from Minnesota that have a song called “Fuck This, I’m Out.” If that doesn’t make you want to at least check them out, you have failed me.

I’m most in my element when I attend punk shows, even when I go alone. Most of my friends don’t listen to the genre, so I usually have to go by myself, which gives me the opportunity to scream, jump around and act like a total lunatic. Bad Religion is arguably one of the most influential punk acts ever, so seeing them live was one of the most cathartic musical experiences of my life.


I’d been tracking this band for YEARS before I finally saw them perform this summer, and it was everything I expected. Shiny Toy Guns uses crazy visuals to amp up what are sadly under-discovered tracks that have just recently earned more of a following thanks to their advertisement deal with Lincoln.

I totally embarrassed myself at this show with my camera, but it was worth it because I finally got to see them live. They played EVERYTHING.


I don’t give a shit what anyone says- Steve Perry is one of the most incomparable rock vocalists of all time, and Journey has some of the most superior tracks to come out of the ‘70’s and ‘80’s (“Don’t Stop Believin’” isn’t even their best song, but if it gets them the recognition they deserve, I’ll take it). Did you guys even know that lead guitarist Neal Schon played with Santana when he was only a teenager? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I make zero apologies for my unhealthy infatuation respectful admiration for Journey.  I’m so into them that I even paid 25 bucks to see a Journey tribute band by myself and got incredibly angry when they busted out “Oh, Sherrie.” That’s not a Journey song! (When I mentioned this to my dad he got really quiet, and then suggested I “talk to somebody.”)

When I found out they were playing in 2008, I asked everyone I know to go with me and (understandably), they all turned me down. I was dating The Sexaholic at the time and he started laughing; then finished with, “Oh, you were serious? Oh. Then no.”

Luckily, my dad is a Journey fan, and he also loves Cheap Trick. He wasn’t too ecstatic about the concept of seeing Heart, but I was, because I love them, and he also can’t resist my sad puppy face (I do have the tendency to be rather adorable).

The entire show was great- Heart can still rock out, and Cheap Trick put on an absolutely stellar performance that I would have expected from artists 20 years younger. Journey was the last band on and I was the youngest one there, and I knew every word to every song. Of course, when I told this to all my friends, they all got that look on their faces.

I don’t care, dude. I would still see Journey again. I would rather see them with Steve Perry than with some guy that they found on Youtube, but at least I can say that I saw Journey live.


During my first couple of years of college I interned for a guy who was a few years older than me, so our taste in music was pretty much on par.  One afternoon I was in his office, doing assistant-y stuff, when he asked me what my plans were later. Someone had given him tickets to that night’s QOTSA/NIN show, and he couldn’t make it, so he was offering them to me.

After I picked myself up off the floor, I called my brother. I knew not inviting him to a free Nine Inch Nails concert was akin to taking an aluminum bat to his car after having his best friend fuck the girl he was in love with right in front of him.

The show itself was fucking insane- I still think about it as if it happened yesterday. It’s easily in my Top 5, and even though I’m no longer at that company, that guy is hands-down one of the best bosses ever.


I often go to concerts by myself, because my taste is radically dissimilar from that of the rest of my group, but The Prodigy is the first live show I ever saw unaccompanied. It was totally agonizing, especially because there were two couples groping each other in front of me, but that changed after about half an hour because I met a guy who I still hang out with five years later. We started chatting, exchanged email addresses, and a friendship based on an insanely nerd-tastic love of music and sci-fi developed from there. This year for my birthday he even bought me a PS3 and didn’t even laugh at me too hard when an alien ate my head.

So, thanks, D. This entire post is for you.


Actual concert ticket purchased by me. I saved it.
I actually took my dad to this show for one of his birthdays because he loves Foo Fighters and likes Weezer’s old stuff. I’m a fan of Hot Hot Heat, too, so this was a triple Music O for me.

I’ve probably seen Foo Fighters five or six times by now. Dave Grohl is a musical mastermind and every live show is completely new- it’s like how a Catholic schoolgirl feels when she walks into a sex shop for the first time. If you haven’t seen them yet, GO.

As for Weezer, I would definitely recommend their older material, although I would have to put them in the "lame" category recently. However, they do have a shout-out to Lost on their latest CD, so I might check it out.



Besides having the distinction of being the first ever free show that I’ve attended, seeing The Used play the 2003 Warped Tour was also a bonding moment for my brother and I.

Before anyone knew who the hell The Used actually were, my brother used to hang out with them, and they invited him to watch their set at Warped. I thought that he took me along to be nice, but he later told me it was because I had a camera phone and he didn’t. Um, thanks.

Anyway, not only did I get to hang with the guys in The Used, I also met a few of the other bands and had the opportunity to lounge on the corner of the stage while they shot a video of their performance. Considering the occupation that I currently hold, that isn’t a big deal anymore, but back then, it was pretty fucking sweet.

Spending time with my brother and realizing that we shared a common interest also helped cement the relationship we have now. We go to shows together all the time, but it’s this first one that really sealed everything.

NO DOUBT (2000)

No Doubt’s Return of Saturn tour was the first one I was ever allowed to see without parental supervision. I was in high school and my best friend was the first one of us to get her license, so seven of us piled into her parents’ van and drove all the way to New Jersey. We all thought that attending a concert by ourselves and staying out past midnight made us total bad-asses (note: it did not. It wasn't even a school night).

Gwen Stefani annoys the shit out of me now, but I’ll never forget the experience of seeing her perform. I can always tell when an artist truly revels in being onstage, and she loved every minute of it. It made that particular girls’ night out that much more unforgettable.

GREEN DAY (1995)

There are two musical moments that I credit with steering me in the direction that I ultimately wound up in. One of them was when I saw Almost Famous, which I won’t go into again because you’re all probably totally sick of that by now.

The other was the release of Green Day’s Dookie in 1994 and subsequent tour. When that record came out I was really young and still poisoning my ears with Wilson Phillips and Nelson (all of you can go fuck yourselves- I already said I was really young).  Then I went to my cousin’s house and heard “Longview” blasting from his stereo, and that was it. My entire CD collection went into the trash, and my mom was horrified forever.

Dookie was the first CD I ever bought for myself, with my own money, and I played it over and over again until I wore it out. When I learned that my cousin was going to see Green Day live, I pretty much forced him to take me with him.  I’m sure he was really stoked for that one. He’s a lot older than me and I was a major cock-block, considering he brought a date with him also. In retrospect, he was pretty cool for agreeing to it. I’m not exaggerating when I say that that show completely altered my life.

Discovering Green Day totally transformed my taste in music. I became a punk addict and used my love for the band to spin-off into the mid-nineties So-Cal scene and artists that dominated the grunge genre. While all of my friends were collecting NSYNC and Britney Spears albums, I was filling my CD booklets with Rancid and The Offspring. Later on I fell in love with The Clash, The Ramones, and the pioneers of the '70's New York and UK punk scenes as well.

My love for Green Day has died down considerably since then, especially after “Time of Your Life” came out and pansy-ass twelve year olds pretended that they loved the band when they had NO idea what else had been previously released. However, no one can argue that Green Day is a fucking powerhouse and that American Idiot is already considered a classic. I would absolutely see them again- but only if they played their old stuff.

THE BANGLES (1980-something)

This was the very first concert I ever went to. I don’t remember what year it was, but I think I was like three. My parents say that Susanna Hoffs looked at me when they did “Walk Like An Egyptian,” and this is most likely why I’m so involved with music now. Foreshadowing, yo.

OK, probably not. But I still listen to The Bangles today. Seriously, “Eternal Flame” is one of the best songs written about love in the eighties.

Here’s a weird fact: Hoffs is married to the guy that directed the Austin Powers movies. Turn that one around for a while.



A few months ago I found out that Social Distortion, who I’ve been stalking not at all frighteningly consumed with for almost 15 years, was embarking on a double-legged US tour. First I was totally bummed out because they were coming nowhere near LA. I even wrote a post pleading with them to play there. I promised to degrade myself for tickets, and it was extremely humiliating. Then I almost wet myself when I realized that we were going to be in New York at exactly the same time, but the tickets were 50 bucks and I’m broke as hell.

I told my dad over the phone and he was all, “oh, sorry, that sucks.” Then a few days later he dropped the bomb that he’d looked up Social Distortion’s tour dates and found out that they’re coming to Los Angeles a couple of weeks after my birthday, and he’d gotten me two tickets as a present.

I was speechless on the other end for so long that I think my dad thought I was clinically dead. I don’t know whether he’d had the tickets all along and wanted to surprise me, or he decided to get them for me after that first call, but I think he just won some sort of Award for Dads that hasn’t yet been invented. Social Distortion is one of my all-time favorite bands that NEVER tours, and I’m pretty sure that I’ll cream myself at the show, if I even make it there. I might die from delirium first.

BTW, if anyone EVER wants to get me Radiohead tickets, I can’t pay you or anything. However, I do have an interestingly shaped tongue and tiny yet dexterous fingers. Just saying.

Friday, November 12, 2010


So, every month, 20sb hosts this feature entitled "Featured Blogger for (Insert Month Here)." Since I'm such the philanthropist (you hush!), I always make sure I go into the forums and nominate one of my friends from the Nip Clique. Then I make sure to threaten whoever runs that shit with dentist gas- or bake them special brownies. Choose your own adventure.

Maybe it's the blinding power of my ginormous rack, but for the last two months, someone from my group has actually won. In September it was The Danaconda, and October brought on Sara Nips. This month I rallied for Allison.

So, she didn't win, and that sucks. But when I went to the site to find out who actually did take the category, I found out that everyone who frequents 20sb must be seriously hammered, because I've now been elected President.

No, just kidding. That would never happen, because I'm a Jew. But I am the newest Featured Blogger.

Honestly, I was shocked I was nominated. Sara Nips started the chain, and all my friends chimed in soon after. I just figured they were being polite. Then when November came around, Nipples Sweeney started a new forum demanding that I be announced as the winner, and pretty soon everyone else joined the club.

What the fuck? Are you all high? There are SO many blogs that have way more followers and much better writing.
But you know what? I'm not questioning. This award is chosen by thousands of other bloggers, so it really does mean a lot to me. I actually called a bunch of friends and family members to tell them about it (I'm a loser). I don't have a speech prepared or anything, so I'll just say THANK YOU. Seriously. I mean it. I love you.

And now DNug has to record his rap album. With me, Nips and Niplily on back-up, I sense more awards. (Grammys, yo. Check out the show in 2012.) No more excuses, DNug. You promised.

So, thank you again, all of you. The Nipocalypse is in full force!

Oh, and see you all in Vegas.

PS- Mandy Moore is up for December. Get over there and vote!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


It’s been a long-ass time since I checked my wallet and realized that I was stupidly low on cash. So of course I decided to take a weekend road trip (HOORAY FOR POVERTY!). I commissioned Ginntastic and let her know I was in dire need of some toxic refreshments, and it took her all of two seconds to give me a when and where.

I got in on Friday, and our Vodkatronic weekend took effect immediately. Ginntastic and her cousin Ale-xis took me to Dick’s, a seafood place where the waitresses make fun of you and make you wear penis hats. I should totally work there.

The best part about Dick’s (besides the moniker, of course), was that the guy performing the awful Dave Matthews covers was seriously loaded.

PS- not to get all dramatic and mushy on you guys, because I’m so not like that, but Fanueil Hall is beautiful at night. If you haven’t been there, you really should go.

So, yeah. We also met this guy who was in totally in love with Ale-xis and followed her so closely all night she could feel his breath on her face. Not cool, A-hole. He looked like the Mad Magazine guy on a three-day coke bender if he’d just run a marathon. Try to picture that without dry-heaving.

So that was my low-key Friday. Saturday was spent pretending we were back in college, and by that I mean sleeping 'til three, having pizza for “breakfast,” and not going to class. Ginntastic introduced me to Boston’s Channel 38, which plays a spectacular array of food porn. I swear that you have never seen cakes that look as amazing as the shit I saw on those shows. We stared slackjawed at the TV until it was time to get ready to go out with Ale-xis and a couple of her ridiculously hot and awesome friends.

I don’t remember shit about Saturday night as a whole (haha… “hole”), but there’s some funny stuff that went down that’s forever sealed in my brain thanks to Facebook. I do remember that we bar-hopped until last call and that the pictures that I have show us getting progressively more hammered as the night wore on. Probably because we had Ben & Jerry's milkshakes for dinner. YES.

Classy as shit, yo.
PS- Check out Gin’s “come over here” face.

The Harvard bar we started out at was actually a lot cooler than I expected. First of all, I didn’t think people at Harvard actually ventured off campus, but most of them were wasted (and, like, 11 years old. Am I really that ancient? I guess so, because I was ready for feetie pajamas at around 1am). Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I asked them to do math problems or something while they were drunk? “Add the shots in this drink! HAHAHA!”

All the specialty drinks were named after awesome songs, like the Sex Pistols’ “Pretty Vacant,” and since we knew all this (or because we were taking semi-pornographic shots with my camera), the bartender was pretty into us. So, sobriety… that was an interesting concept.

Bartender of the Year? Perhaps.
In between downing shots and Facebook sexting with Mandy Moore, we did manage to meet a copious amount of tools. One of the guys that came over to talk to me mentioned that he loved live music, so I gave him my card and told him I know when a lot of shows are. This guy had NO shot with me or any of my friends, but I figured I would network. At 2am, I got a call from this tool accusing me of having a fake number. Uh, you’re actually talking to me, and I gave you my fucking business card, so how about you’re retarded? Also, you look like a rabbit on steroids. FAIL.

BTW, I have never heard so many Boston accents in my life as I did at that bar- and I’ve been to Red Sox games. It was hilarious.

After our 3am snack of- what else?- CRUNCHY NUGGETS!- we finally hit the sack.

Only the finest white meat...
I got super excited and a little turned on when I woke up later and there was a tiny hand on my boob, but it turned out it was just her cat. The last time I felt a nose on my leg was like, a year and a half ago, though, so I'll take it.

When Gin dropped me off at the bus on Sunday it was fucking nuts how sad I was to leave. When I do eventually have to go back to LA I’m going to be totally devastated, but let’s not think about that right now.

BTW, Ale-xis recently started a blog herself. She’s a little nervous about how she’ll be received because she’s dyslexic and her grammatical skills aren’t great, but to those that have the nerve to say anything, Go Fuck Yourself. Her blog actually has the word "dyslexic" in the title, which makes anyone who comments on her mistakes an idiot. The only reason I’m not going to link to it here is because she has pictures up from this weekend, and I’m still pretending I’m totally anonymous and not friends with 2/3 of you on Facebook, but I really admire her for putting herself out there on the Interwebs. Actually, I’m considering having her guest post for me.  I’m in your corner, Dude!

Tuesday, November 02, 2010


Halloween has always been my favorite holiday- I look forward to it every year and usually go all out. If the party’s not at my house, I’m always invited to one or have one to crash. Also, my mom’s birthday is the day before so it was instilled in my brain as a kid that Halloween is THE HOLIDAY- even better than Shark Week.

Preparing for Halloween is definitely a lot easier for girls than it is for guys, probably because we can put “slutty” in front of any noun and make a costume (example: slutty dentist, slutty elf, slutty armchair).

Aren't I delightful?
This is kind of ironic considering it’s also associated with eating a shit-ton of candy, and with the lack of fabric used to make most of the disguises one might expect to find inside any random Party City, that might be the one food you would want to stay away from.

If I hit the gym in my head, it still counts, right?
Anyway, I’m broke this year, so I gave my creativity bone (haha… “bone”) a break and bought a pair of black wings that matched a remarkably skanky dress that neither of my parents would have let me out of the house in ten years ago. Not very inventive, but it also only cost me around ten dollars. Normally I leave New York City for Halloween, because it’s a fucking madhouse, but this year I figured “why the hell not?”

I decided to be a partially good daughter and spend Friday and most of the day Saturday with my mom. My brother was supposed to come for her birthday dinner and then I was going to an 80’s club with my girlfriends. On Sunday (the ACTUAL Halloween), I had plans to hit up the famous parade in the Village with another group of friends and then do the midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Chelsea (I was most ecstatic about this one- I’m still doing the Time Warp in my head).


I was diligent about all this planning. This was going to be the best Halloween ever! Last year I had spent it at a lame party with The Subscription, so this was already better by default. Nothing could go wrong.

You’d think I would know better by now. Of course not, because I am an idiot.

So what happened to totally fuck up my favorite holiday and the most kick-ass weekend of the year? I get a FUCKING COLD.

And not a little case of the sniffles, either- this one is a without-warning, knock-me-on-my-ass, phlegmtastic journey through hell. My brother told me I was retarded if I went out. “But… it’s Halloween! I have wings! Non-returnable!” He just looked at me, and yes, I do realize how stupid I sounded.

I also managed to catch a glimpse of myself when I walked past a mirror- I no longer needed a costume. I looked lovely enough.

I called J and let him know that I was a no-show all weekend.

J: “You’re bailing on Halloween?”
ME: “I know. I’m a fraud.”
J: “Fraud is illegal. You could get arrested for that shit.”
ME: “DUDE. I look like death.”
J: “It’s Halloween. That’s fitting.”
ME: The sound of mucus “I really wish I could.  But I feel like I’m gonna pass out.”
J: “But we need you! You bring the boobs.” (Thanks.)
ME: Hideous, guttural hacking noises
J: “Hot. Well, you know where to find us if you change your mind.”

The next thing I did to admit defeat was to hit up Awesome on Facebook to let her know that I would not be making an ass of myself in her presence this year. Was she “disliking” me or my post? One may never know. (UPDATE: Just my post. She still loves me! Probably because I got her a Snuggie for her birthday last year).

So this year I spent my Halloween on the couch watching old episodes of Oprah with my mom (EPIC FAIL) and relentlessly checking Facebook and blog posts for my friends’ constant photo updates. I have no idea why I would punish myself this way, so don’t bother asking. EVERYONE went out for Halloween this year except me.

ME: “So, Mom, guess who else wound up staying home for Halloween?”
MOM:  “Who?”
ME: “NO ONE! I may as well be a leper with open sores!”

Mom made me chicken alphabet soup and I kept spelling out words such as “sad” and “loser” and showing them to her along with my most “adorable” dejected facial expressions. I almost got all the letters for “pathetic” but I was missing the “h” and the “i.” I thought she might appreciate this grand gesture since she loves Wheel of Fortune, but my efforts went largely ignored.

Anyway, Halloween is over and I’m still downing soup like it’s vodka and blowing through Kleenex like they’re half-naked European boys holding boxes full of orphaned puppies with hundred dollar bills in their mouths.  At least I have no sense of taste or smell, so this is like, the best diet ever!

I’m also popping these monstrosities. What the F, Walgreens? NO.

PS- In case you guys are outraged that I wasn’t watching The Walking Dead, let me remind you that my grandma has no cable and no Internet, which is also why I haven’t been able to post for this long. I'd like to promise that this won't happen again, but we all know how fucking lazy I am. Anyway, I DVR’d that shit back in LA so I don’t miss a second. Don’t leave me any spoilers, or when the zombie apocalypse comes, I’ll totally let them eat you.

Also, I totally called the Giants before the season even started. Congrats, San Fran!