NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday- I look forward to it every year and usually go all out. If the party’s not at my house, I’m always invited to one or have one to crash. Also, my mom’s birthday is the day before so it was instilled in my brain as a kid that Halloween is THE HOLIDAY- even better than Shark Week.

Preparing for Halloween is definitely a lot easier for girls than it is for guys, probably because we can put “slutty” in front of any noun and make a costume (example: slutty dentist, slutty elf, slutty armchair).

Aren't I delightful?

This is kind of ironic considering it’s also associated with eating a shit-ton of candy, and with the lack of fabric used to make most of the disguises one might expect to find inside any random Party City, that might be the one food you would want to stay away from.

If I hit the gym in my head, it still counts, right?

Anyway, I’m broke this year, so I gave my creativity bone (haha… “bone”) a break and bought a pair of black wings that matched a remarkably skanky dress that neither of my parents would have let me out of the house in ten years ago. Not very inventive, but it also only cost me around ten dollars. Normally I leave New York City for Halloween, because it’s a fucking madhouse, but this year I figured “why the hell not?”

I decided to be a partially good daughter and spend Friday and most of the day Saturday with my mom. My brother was supposed to come for her birthday dinner and then I was going to an 80’s club with my girlfriends. On Sunday (the ACTUAL Halloween), I had plans to hit up the famous parade in the Village with another group of friends and then do the midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Chelsea (I was most ecstatic about this one- I’m still doing the Time Warp in my head).

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BZl7pR-65c&fs=1&hl=en_US]

I was diligent about all this planning. This was going to be the best Halloween ever! Last year I had spent it at a lame party with The Subscription, so this was already better by default. Nothing could go wrong.

You’d think I would know better by now. Of course not, because I am an idiot.

So what happened to totally fuck up my favorite holiday and the most kick-ass weekend of the year? I get a FUCKING COLD.



And not a little case of the sniffles, either- this one is a without-warning, knock-me-on-my-ass, phlegmtastic journey through hell. My brother told me I was retarded if I went out. “But… it’s Halloween! I have wings! Non-returnable!” He just looked at me, and yes, I do realize how stupid I sounded.

I also managed to catch a glimpse of myself when I walked past a mirror- I no longer needed a costume. I looked lovely enough.

I called J and let him know that I was a no-show all weekend.

J: “You’re bailing on Halloween?”
ME: “I know. I’m a fraud.”
J: “Fraud is illegal. You could get arrested for that shit.”
ME: “DUDE. I look like death.”
J: “It’s Halloween. That’s fitting.”
ME: The sound of mucus “I really wish I could.  But I feel like I’m gonna pass out.”
J: “But we need you! You bring the boobs.” (Thanks.)
ME: Hideous, guttural hacking noises
J: “Hot. Well, you know where to find us if you change your mind.”


The next thing I did to admit defeat was to hit up Awesome on Facebook to let her know that I would not be making an ass of myself in her presence this year. Was she “disliking” me or my post? One may never know. (UPDATE: Just my post. She still loves me! Probably because I got her a Snuggie for her birthday last year).

So this year I spent my Halloween on the couch watching old episodes of Oprah with my mom (EPIC FAIL) and relentlessly checking Facebook and blog posts for my friends’ constant photo updates. I have no idea why I would punish myself this way, so don’t bother asking. EVERYONE went out for Halloween this year except me.

ME: “So, Mom, guess who else wound up staying home for Halloween?”
MOM:  “Who?”
ME: “NO ONE! I may as well be a leper with open sores!”


Mom made me chicken alphabet soup and I kept spelling out words such as “sad” and “loser” and showing them to her along with my most “adorable” dejected facial expressions. I almost got all the letters for “pathetic” but I was missing the “h” and the “i.” I thought she might appreciate this grand gesture since she loves Wheel of Fortune, but my efforts went largely ignored.

Anyway, Halloween is over and I’m still downing soup like it’s vodka and blowing through Kleenex like they’re half-naked European boys holding boxes full of orphaned puppies with hundred dollar bills in their mouths.  At least I have no sense of taste or smell, so this is like, the best diet ever!

I’m also popping these monstrosities. What the F, Walgreens? NO.

PS- In case you guys are outraged that I wasn’t watching The Walking Dead, let me remind you that my grandma has no cable and no Internet, which is also why I haven’t been able to post for this long. I'd like to promise that this won't happen again, but we all know how fucking lazy I am. Anyway, I DVR’d that shit back in LA so I don’t miss a second. Don’t leave me any spoilers, or when the zombie apocalypse comes, I’ll totally let them eat you.

Also, I totally called the Giants before the season even started. Congrats, San Fran!