Wednesday, November 27, 2013

NUGS AND TITS "DO" THANKSGIVING: THE SLACKER EDITION

This Thanksgiving, I've come to the not-shocking-at-all revelation that I'm super lazy, especially considering I haven't put up a post in like eleven years. I really wanted to commemorate the celebration by writing something that expressed my gratitude for all of you, but like I said before, super lazy, but also, super-GENIUS oh haaaai.

Last Thanksgiving, Coyote Tits and I decided to impart our infinite holiday brilliance by providing you all with a guide to dealing with the families of your significant others. I was single at the time, but now I'm not, and I've met the parents several times since then, but I'm pretty sure that his mom has already tried to find out if any/all of her friends have available daughters. So take this advice and do with it what you will.

Because I'm not 100% indifferent, I did decide to return to That Ain't Kosher and put up a blog entry. Unfortunately for you guys, it's pretty much the re-post of last year's Thanksgiving Family Rules. However, it does contain some pretty substantial tips on how to secretly get drunk at your own house, so you're welcome.

If you want a better read, head over to Tits' blog, where she's been way more on top of this than I have.

AHAHAHAHAHA. "On top."

Tits' acute knowledge is in blue; my agile proficiency is in red.
  1. Do Not bring your dog. I don't care how cute Precious is and that she's normally so well-behaved and fits in your purse. Don't do it. Nugs: Especially if they are Tits' dogs (below). She likes to think she's an awesome mom but it's really because she lets them get away with fucking murder because they're so adorable and she's a pushover.

    As cute as they are, remember that they will hog all the food and/or attention.
  2. Do Not wear sweat pants, Ugg boots and an old tank top. At least try to look like you are making an effort.

  3. Do Not complain about the food. I don't care if it doesn't taste like your grandma's mashed potatoes, and so what that they have oysters at their dinner. Keep your bitching to yourself.

  4. If you have a food allergy tell someone in advance. My sisters are lactose intolerant and so we tell everyone like 20 times in advance or bring our own food. Don't show up and be like "yeah I'm gluten free, vegan and allergic to garlic."

  5. Do Not try to have sex at their house. Can you spell awkward? Nugs: That never happened to me that one time in college or anything. 

  6. Do Not flirt with someone who isn't your date. I don't care if his older brother is Brad fucking Pitt, wait till after Thanksgiving to flirt with him. Nugs: Unless said brother is Baby Goose. Then all bets are totally off, and no one would blame you. Especially me.


  7. Do Not get drunk - Even if the family makes you fucking insane, try to limit yourself to enough wine to just get you tipsy.

  8. Do Not smoke. Anything. Even if offered. This is clearly a trick. Again, this never happened to me, ever.

  9. Do Not bring up taboo topics. Find out what they are in advance and avoid them at all costs. Whether this be religion, politics, cats vs. dogs, Dancing With the Starsor the New York Yankees a.k.a. the Evil Empire, learn what gets your date's family all wonky and DO NOT DISCUSS.

  10. Do know how to dress. CANNOT BE STRESSED ENOUGH. I don't care if your "best feature" is your amazing rack; it's probably not the best idea to shove it in his parents' face. Usually a nice pair of jeans and a dressy top that doesn't put the goods on display is your best bet. Unless, of course, his brother is Baby Goose. See Rule #6.

  11. Do know how to win over every family member individually. While this may seem like the ultimate in horrific situations, don't commit suicide just yet. Basically the key to mastering this art is what I (and the US Army) refer to as "Divide and Conquer:"
THE MOM: This is the most difficult, since showing up at her Thanksgiving feast is an admission that you're being railed on the regular by her baby boy (doesn't matter what his birth order is; he will ALWAYS be her baby boy). The trick to winning over his mother is to go on and on about how amazing her son is (not in that way, because GROSS). Also offer to help out during dinner as often as you can, especially with dishes. Getting his mom to love you is by far the most important because if she hates you, it only goes downhill from there. Tits: Seriously, I've been there with a mom hating me. I always like to volunteer to bring something like cookies or wine.

THE DAD: The males of the family are always easier for me, probably because I'm half a dude myself and I realize now how weird that made me sound. The best strategy for the father is innocent flirting- "oh, Mr. Gosling, I see where your son gets his great ass. Eyes! I meant eyes." Just kidding. Never talk about anyone's ass. Keep it to neutral topics such as intelligence and snappy dressing, or radiation levels.

If this is any of his relatives let me know. I'll be right over.
SIBLINGS: Dealing with siblings is usually more manageable due to the fact that your date will probably brief you on the situation prior to your arrival. If one of their brothers or sisters is exceptionally unbearable you'll most likely have been prepared for it way in advance. For the regular, more normal siblings, mastering them should be relatively (see what I did there?) more simple: 
  • BROTHERS: Brothers are pretty painless- just sit down in front of the TV and watch the football game with them. If you're a fan, don't hold back with the commentary. If you're not, let them know that you're "trying to get into it." Also, it helps if you're moderately attractive. Just sayin. 
  • SISTERS: Contrary to what my scintillating personality may have you believing, I am, in fact, of the feminine persuasion, so I am aware that the best way to charm a woman is to let her talk about herself. Find out from your date what she's into and ask her questions, and let her dominate the conversation. You're in.
12. Do use this handy guide from HappyPlace.com with your own family. You'll thank us later.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and remember that there is always coffee, booze, and football to get you through the holidays. And if not, there's always FIRE!




Friday, July 12, 2013

Drown, Motherfuckers: A Review Of Your New Favorite Movie

Depending on how long you've been following That Ain't Kosher, you're probably aware that I'm obsessed with sharks. In fact, the word "obsessed" probably doesn't even cover it. My enthusiasm for sharks is probably akin to how Ron Burgundy feels about scotch.



Sharks are ridiculously awesome, except for those pussy-ass Nurse Sharks that don't eat people. Every year I host a party for Shark Week, although to be honest that party is usually in my head. When I went to Sea World recently (more on that in an upcoming post) I totally embarrassed Iron Man by making him go through the shark exhibit at least four times that I can remember.

One of the most excellent ways to commemorate sharks (besides Shark Week, of course) is to watch one of the SyFy Channel's Original Movies. A surprising number of them contain the word "shark" in the title, with my personal favorites being Dinoshark, Megashark vs. Giant Octopus, and of course, the greatest moment in cinematic history, Sharktopus. (I also just found out that SyFy has bestowed us all with a movie called Kaw. That isn't even a real word! I love this so much.)


For your viewing pleasure, here is a list of the SyFy Channel Original Movies so you can plan the rest of your life. You're welcome.

Continuing with this storied tradition, SyFy debuted another Original last night with what is probably the second-best title for any film of all time (Sharktopus still wins): Sharknado.


Due to the fact that SyFy films usually premiere on Saturdays, I must believe that television execs have declared The Asylum finally ready for primetime. This is the jackpot, people! Prepare for your minds to be blown.


So apparently, Sharknado was written by some dude named Thunder Levin. THUNDER Levin. Right away this has promise.

I originally assumed that this would be the thinking man's movie of the year; focusing on SharkNATO, a group that handles GovernShark events and keeps oceanic peace. Alas, it did not. Instead, Sharknado centered on a hurricane that swept through Los Angeles, carrying all the sharks in the sea with it. There were sharks  on highways and city streets, in personal pools and IN HOUSES, biting random people and also swallowing them whole. It was amazing.

Perhaps the most exciting part of Sharknado was the cast that it managed to assemble. After begging and pleading with their agents, SyFy was fortunate enough to snag Ian Ziering and Tara Reid as a former couple (IM: "Yeah, right."). To his credit, Ziering, who we all know as the "not hot" dude from 90210, has aged impressively well.


Tara Reid, however, has not.


Yikes.
Also there is no way Tara Reid would have two kids that are like 25. Fail, SyFy Channel.

There was also a scene in the beginning where some Asian guy and some other guy (I couldn't tell where he was from, because his accent kept going away and coming back) were making some kind of deal to trade some shark fins, or something. You may wonder if this scene was important, or if these people would ever be discussed further.

No.

Sharknado is so spectacular because it has all the makings of a consummate SyFy event. It was the perfect way to introduce Iron Man to the wonderful world of SyFy Channel Original Movies, with the heinous overdubbing and ever-changing lighting tones. The green screen was also a standout, especially the scenes in the car. I won't give away any more about that, because if you didn't watch, shame on you. You're obviously allergic to fun.

The characters are all quite appealing, including Tara Reid's boyfriend, who resembled Prince Eric if he drove a windowless van. He shows up, as is typical, for about three minutes looking particularly rapey, gracefully and adroitly recites a Shakesperean sonnet, makes a molesty face and then gets eaten by a shark that's swimming around the house. Then everybody leaves to find 90210's son who everyone totally forgot about until halfway into the movie. Some 22-year-old chick with a shotgun gets mad because 90210 neglected to mention his ex-wife and kids even though they only met like half an hour ago. Stage Five Clinger, perhaps?



Then again, maybe you shouldn't piss off anyone who can shoot a huge gun and pilot a terribly-CGI'd helicopter. Also, speaking of this, one of the most brilliant scenes in Sharknado was when a shark hung off the bottom of the copter and then ate the girl. It was fucking phenomenal, but sadly I couldn't find any videos or screenshots so you'll just have to trust me.

Honorable Mention: Tara Reid utters the now-classic "We're not all gonna fit in here." And the Emmy goes to... Interesting. Challenge accepted.

The part I was really looking forward to finally appeared in the last four minutes. I had been spoiled by the guys over at Uproxx, who perhaps were anticipating Sharknado nearly as much as I had been. This is how they described the scene that pretty much cemented this as the most definitive archetype in cinematic history since Mansquito, which is saying a lot:

IAN ZIERING CUTS HIMSELF OUT OF A SHARK’S STOMACH WITH A CHAINSAW. WITH. A. CHAINSAW. THIS MEANS THAT EITHER (A) IAN ZIERING GETS SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A GREAT WHITE SHARK WHILE HOLDING A CHAINSAW, (B) IAN ZIERING GETS SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A GREAT WHITE SHARK AND FINDS A WORKING CHAINSAW IN ITS STOMACH, OR (C) IAN ZIERING GETS SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A GREAT WHITE SHARK AND THEN SOMEONE FEEDS THE SHARK A CHAINSAW SO HE CAN FREE HIMSELF.




This movie is the equivalent of online dating circa 1996: I fell in love with it before we even met. The only difference is it turned out to be everything I had hoped it would be and more. 


I cannot WAIT for the inevitable sequel. Bearicane? Piranhacano? Damon Lindelof has so far ruined everything he's ever touched but I have to admit that even I would watch this: 


https://twitter.com/ElizabethBanks/status/355512689419759616


In conclusion, I give you this .jpg of one of the final scenes from Sharknado. It sums up everything about the movie and if this doesn't get you, well, I'm shit out of ideas:




Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: I Was Saying Boo-Urns)

The NHL postseason is over, and I have to admit to being wrong.

Allison and I have been recapping the Stanley Cup playoffs for you, going through every round and predicting who will advance. We also did this last year, and despite Allison being born and raised in Hockey Country, I won with so many points that even I felt bad for her. This year Allison got the gold star, so we've both been equally humiliated. 


This is a weird feeling, since I'm right about stuff practically all the time. I don't know what to do about this. 


You can see Allison's gloating on her blog, My Quarter-life Crisis.



NUGS' RECAP:
In calling this series, I definitely wanted Chicago to win. Like, really, really badly. I'm pretty positive that everybody hates the Bruins, unless you live in Boston and are therefore a totally obnoxious sports fan by default (except if you're Ginny- love you), but seeing as how they decimated the Rangers in the Semifinals, I was more than ready to see the Bruins go down. 


However, I had to be logical, and I truly believed that the Stupid Boo-urns were the more able team. I did predict a seven game series, and a lot of OT, but I assumed that the Bruins' massive size and physicality would lead them to their second Cup since 2011. 

Last night it seemed as if Boston would take the series into Game Seven- they dominated the Blackhawks and eventually scored. It remained 1-0 until Allison's boyfriend and Chicago captain Jonathan Toews tied it up in the second. 

FYI, Allison: You may want to let Toews in on the fact that you two are, in fact, together. Then again, I'm waiting to let Baby Goose know. It has to be just the right time- you know, after our second child is born.

Yeah...I don't...arms...I'm sorry, what?
Then the third period happened, and Boston scored again, making it 2-1. I breathed a little easier, thinking that I would have at least one more game to consider what sort of present I would request that Allison send me in the mail. Then came the last minute, and the Hawks scored again- twice. Center Dave Bolland's goal sealed the deal for Chicago and the Stanley Cup was theirs, for the second time in four years. I wish the Conn Smythe had been awarded to him instead of Patrick Kane, who admittedly is a fantastic player but sucks ass as a human being.

I am disappointed in my loss, but this does mean public humiliation for the Stupid Boo-urns. So really, I can't be that upset. Also, remember that Allison failed miserably last year, and she's the one that's Canadian. So you could sort of consider this a victory for America Junior, I guess. 



Also, keeping with the theme of "Nugs Looks Like a Dumbass," Iron Man called this series as well, down to the number of games. I should bring him to Vegas. Lily also said that the Hawks would win, but that's probably only because she's from Chicago and loves them. She's a Cubs fan, too, so I never really listen to her.

Because I apparently haven't learned anything from any of this, I'm calling it now: Rangers 2014. In 4.

ALLISON'S RECAP:
This wasn't easy, and there were a lot of doubters, but sticking by Chicago from the start was a wise move for me. Their series against Minnesota was fairly predictable, but the games against Detroit, LA and Boston weren't easy. I had faith in them because I knew they had the talent. I knew that a team can't have the kind of regular season record they did and go down without a fight. They fought hard and they won. I'll admit to having my doubts about them a few times, but I decided to be loyal to my choice and not flip flop. Throughout the playoffs many people questioned the abilities of some of  the players. Jonathan Toews wasn't scoring enough, Corey Crawford had a weak glove-side, blah blah blah. It seemed like the media just didn't want them to win. I found myself wanting to punch Don Cherry last night because of his bias towards Boston. Of course he wanted Boston to win, as a former coach of the organization, but as a sports reporter you need to talk about both teams' strengths and weaknesses. 

Obviously, I would be 100x more excited if the Habs had won the Cup (I would have called in sick today probably), but I've always had a lot of respect for the Blackhawks  - so I don't consider this a bandwagon jump. Leaf fans are, of course, making this victory all about them. As if Chicago beat Boston on their behalf. Newsflash, Chicago doesn't give a shit about your sad first round loss! This isn't about you!

Editor's Note: Agreed. This was clearly all for the Rangers fans.

For those of you who didn't watch last night's game, I'll give you a quick rundown. So in the first period Boston was all over us - outshooting us and eventually scoring. Cory Crawford played amazingly. With all those shots on net he did an fantastic job keeping it a one-goal game going into the second. 

Toews tied it up in the second and things stabilized for Chicago.

The third period was insane - probably one of the most exciting finals I've seen in a while. Boston came back and scored giving them a 2-1 lead. For most of the third period it seemed that a game 7 was likely,  but then it happened.

With just over a minute left Brian Bickell scored to tie up the game. Overtime seemed to be the most likely scenario. Then it happened again...Bolland scored with less than a minute left on the clock. The Chicago Blackhawks won Lord Stanley's Cup.

Gary Bettman (aka the Devil) presented the cup to Captain Serious (aka my boyfriend)...Jonathan Toews and he kissed the Cup for the second time in his career. But before that Patrick "The Mullet" Kane was awarded the Conn Smythe trophy for MVP of the playoffs. I would have given it to Crawford - but yeah, Kane did get a lot of goals.

POINTS: ALLISON

FINAL POINTS TALLY: 
NUGS 9, ALLISON 11

So that sucked. I don't do well with losing. At any rate, congratulations to Allison, and to the Blackhawks for their awesome and well-deserved conquest. Also congratulations to Chicago goalie Corey Crawford for being super hot. How come I never noticed that before?



Uh, hi.
Did you guys watch any of the Finals? Did you care who won? Do you read my sports posts at all? Or do you really want me to go back to posting pictures of SNAKES THAT CAN OPEN FUCKING DOORS?

Yeah. This is a thing.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Evolution 1; Humanity 0

I was never a fan of Jurassic Park. I know it's considered a classic and everything, but come on. In what actual One Direction Dance Party Hell would somebody greenlight an amusement park where real dinosaurs could get the chance to eat people? Keep in mind this was before Kim Kardashian was around.

You would do it too.
One of the dumbest scenes in that movie was the one with the velociraptors in the cafeteria. It's like, are they serious? Velociraptors were awesome, and also kind of looked like Kim Kardashian now that I think about it, but there's no way they could have figured out how to push against a doorknob. That's where I checked out.



So that film always bugged me because I figured that it could never happen, but then I came across this ridiculous bullshit from Uproxx.com:

http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2013/06/this-video-of-a-snake-opening-a-door-is-the-beginning-of-mankinds-end/

Oh, yes, there is a gigantic snake that KNOWS HOW TO OPEN A FUCKING DOOR. Here's the video again, for those of you that aren't terrified enough:



This is thirteen seconds of the most heart-pounding, gut-punching, soul-crushing horror I have ever seen. Good luck sleeping tonight, everyone.

What is it with you snakes? Why are you such dicks? Is this because Justin Bieber owns a Batmobile?

I'm done. Night, Lois. 

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: Stanley Cuppage)

Well, this blows.

If you're new here, Allison and I have been recapping the NHL postseason by guessing which teams emerge victorious in all four rounds. To make it interesting (and possibly less humiliating for Allison, who's Canadian and should know this stuff), we've been awarding each other one point for each correct prediction in the Quarter- and Semifinals, two for the Finals and three for the Stanley Cup. Whoever wins has to mail the loser a hockey-related gift. We also did this for 2012 and I forget what the actual score was, but I'm pretty positive that it was something like 20,000 to 2, me.  




This year was looking like it was going to probably be the same outcome- and then the Finals happened. I'll give myself a pass on the Western Conference, because I still maintain that that series could have gone either way (that's what she said). But the East? Where the hell did that come from? Now I'm still in the lead, but Allison is steadily approaching. If I get the Stanley Cup wrong, she receives a shiny new gift.

I'm a Jew- we like getting money, not giving it away.

Here's a recap of the Conference Finals round of the 2013 NHL postseason, where I receive no points. 




NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 3:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over PITTSBURGH PENGUINS
Not only did the Stupid Bruins win this round and advance to the Stanley Cup finals, but the one-seed Pens got totally swept. I mean, zero games. At all. I can't even explain this. I have no idea what happened. 
POINT: NEITHER

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS over LOS ANGELES KINGS
To Iron Man's credit, he totally called this one. "Chicago is going to destroy LA. 5 games." Yeah, I look like a jackass. 

POINT: ALLISON

FINALS ROUND POINTS TALLY: 
NUGS 9, ALLISON 8


I don't like this. I don't like this one bit.



Now, to add to my incompetency, here are our prognostications for the Stanley Cup Final. You can also read Allison's version on her blog, My Quarter-life Crisis.

I fail at life.

BOSTON BRUINS vs. CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS
NUGS: STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over HAWKS in 7
That actually just happened.

I feel like Peter Parker when he discovers his first web-shooters, only much less awesome because what came out of my hands is that the BRUINS WILL WIN THE CUP (technically it was wrists with Spider-Man, not hands, but you get what I mean). 


There are so many reasons why everyone should hate the Bruins, even tiny puppies who love anyone and anything as long as it pets them and feeds them cookies:

1) Patrice Bergeron. Patrice is a girl's name. It has no business belonging to a hockey player. 

B) Team owner Jeremy Jacobs is an asshole. He was the head of the owner's group during the lockout and pretty much the reason why we had a shortened hockey season this year. NHL players can't stand him, either. So to give him the Cup would be like rewarding him for being a selfish billionaire. Well done. 


SNOW LEOPARD) Zdeno Chara is a worthless piece of shit. Observe:


DD) I have nothing against Tuukka Rask in particular, but he's on the Bruins, too. So I'm going to go with "he sucks." Also his name is stupid.

This is one time where I hope that I'm wrong and that Chicago wipes the floor with them and Chara cries. I really want to argue against the Bruins, who barely got out of a Quarterfinal series with the Leafs. (Really??? The Leafs???) They played seven games, including two that went into OT and two that were only decided by one goal. Then came the Semifinals, which we won't get into here in case I have a stroke.


The Finals were up next, against top-seeded Pittsburgh. Everyone put their money on the Crosby-Malkin combination and figured that Boston would get annihilated. Of course that didn't happen, since neither Crosby nor Malkin scored ANY points the entire series and the Pens were swept. One could make the case that the Bruins were just that good during the playoffs, or that both the Rangers and the Penguins played like total shit. I would say that it was probably both. 

In any case, the Bruins are on a high from a strong playoff run, and boast more massive players than Chicago. They're also bigger douchebags (save for the Hawks' Patrick Kane, who is a horrible human being), which makes for a very physical series. This will push Boston past Chicago, just barely, and the series will last seven games. I'm also predicting that at least two will go into overtime.

ALLISON: HAWKS over BRUINS
To sum up Round Three: Huh???

Nugs and I both picked Pittsburgh over Boston because....duh...they were the obvious choice. Little did we know that they would completely fall apart and get beat down in four pitiful games. Shit. Oh well - we both gained nothing from that. We're both losers!

The Chi/LA series also surprised me. I got the result I wanted but I was not that happy with how close some of the games were. Um, you were up 2-0 and you end up tied 3-3 by the end of the third period??? It went into double overtime! Way to give me a heart attack Chicago!

As much as I think Patrick Kane is the scum of the earth, he totally brought his 'A' game this series. Hopefully he keeps scoring against Boston.

I've said all along that if the Habs couldn't pull out a miraculous victory that Chicago would win the Stanley Cup this year. I stand by my original comment for two reasons:

1) The regular season record speaks for itself. They were virtually unstoppable during the shortened season. They are a talented and creative team.

2) Might be a risk, but my only shot at actually winning this bet.

So there they are. Our recaps, forecasts, and my slow descent into dismal failure. The first game was on last night, and Chicago has already won, so I'm looking forward into Allison being able to gleefully rip me apart. 

You can see a full schedule of the 2013 NHL Stanley Cup playoffs here.

Monday, June 03, 2013

Oh, Canada! (Nugs Vs. Allison 2013 Edition: Round 3)

Round 3 of the NHL Playoffs started this Saturday, so of course I didn't post until today (I have an excuse, though- I was on vacation. More on that after the postseason). Allison, of course, got everything in on time, because she doesn't procrastinate like I do. You can see that version on her blog, My Quarter-Life Crisis

Here's a recap of the Semifinals so you can witness the demolition of Allison in the points department. It isn't pretty. Unless you're me. 

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 2:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS over OTTAWA SENATORS
Was this really a question? I know Allison is Canadian and everything, but I don't particularly like the Pens either and even I saw this coming (that's what she said). Anderson is an incredible goalie, but even he wound up getting pulled in favor of Pittsburgh's formidable four lines. This was barely a series. 
POINT: ME

STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over MY BLUESHIRTS 
FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK. DIE SLOWLY.


POINT: NEITHER

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS over DETROIT REDWINGS
I knew this would go to seven games, but the series itself was thrilling to watch. Chicago won, then Detroit came back to triumph three times in a row. The Hawks, who had been struggling and quite frankly playing beneath themselves, returned to take the last three. It was intense, and Chicago fans were no doubt left with a nail-biting Semifinals. The Hawks, however, came out on top, and Allison and I both gained another point.
POINT: BOTH

LOS ANGELES KINGS over SAN JOSE SHARKS
This was an easy series to call, but it lasted a bit longer than either of us (and possibly anybody) expected. With a sweep of Vancouver and an impressive three wins against LA, the Sharks may be ones to watch next year.
POINT: BOTH

QUARTERFINALS POINTS TALLY: 
NUGS 9, ALLISON 6

This does not look good for the Canadian. In our blogs or the NHL. (BURN!)



NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 3:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS vs. STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS
NUGS: PENS over BRUINS in 6
Please. Like I would actually pick Boston (and Chara) to win anything. Fail.


Also now I kind of have to secretly go for the Penguins because I just realized that Left Wing James Neal looks uncannily like Iron Man, which I was dumb enough to actually tell him. It's not just me, either- people that know us are also struck by the resemblance. 


I'm still technically anonymous, so I won't post Iron Man's picture here, but I will put in a photo of Neal so you can see my predicament. So now not only is Iron Man's team officially better than mine, and could potentially win the Cup, but he's practically a mirror image of one of the most talented guys on the ice.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

ALLISON: PENS over BRUINS
Funny enough the four teams with the chance to win the Cup have each won it once in the past four seasons. 

Editor's Note: Truth. Pittsburgh, Chicago, Boston and LA have all just earned the Cup in the past four years, in that particular order.


I think Shitsburgh will win - and I say this without any bias. I might hate Boston, but I honestly believe they won't beat the Penguins.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS vs. LOS ANGELES KINGS
NUGS: KINGS over HAWKS in 7
This one was tougher because both of these teams could easily contend for the Cup. Chicago has incredible forwards and are coming off of a President's Trophy win. Both the Kings and the Hawks are pretty evenly matched in their offense and defense, and both of their goalies have a scary postseason GAA (LA's Jonathan Quick has a 1.50; Chicago's Corey Crawford is just under that at 1.70). 

However, the Hawks' struggles against the Wings in the Semifinals have shown that once again, once the playoffs roll around, the regular season means nothing. Quick is looking to extend his status (AHAHAHA. "Extend.") as an elite goaltender with a repeat Cup win, and this will help LA advance to the Cup finals just over Chicago in 7. 

ALLISON: HAWKS over KINGS
Chicago is just a talented team. Yes, they surprisingly stumbled against Detroit, but they pulled it together in the end. The trouble with the Red Wings series was that Detroit was playing like they had nothing to lose and it almost worked in their favour. If Chicago brings out their strong forwards and has tighter goaltending against LA they should win it.

Also, I want to see my NHL boyfriend Jonathan Toews kiss that cup again. If it can't be the Habs, I'd be happy with the President's Trophy winners to get it.


Editor's Note: I'll still take James Neal since I've changed the locks on Lundqvist. Also I just realized that sometimes he looks like Aladdin.


Now it's bothering me.


Since I'm so late on this, the Finals have already began, and I'm well on my way to being completely wrong. Oops. At least I'll have a(nother) excuse to drink. 

Those were our predictions for the Conference Finals of the 2013 NHL postseason. As always, feel free to agree with us in the comments, unless you root for the Bruins. Then you don't count.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: Round 2)

Round 1 of the NHL playoffs ended yesterday, and my Rangers are still around! Unfortunately for Allison, her Habs didn't make it, but that could be because she lives right near Toronto where she's not allowed to like the Habs. Canadians seem confused. 

Anyway, Round 2 starts tonight with Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa at 7:30 and San Jose vs. LA at 10:00, so our Semifinal picks are going up today. You can see Allison's version on her blog, My Quarter-Life Crisis. We're awarding each other one point for each correct guess in the first two rounds, two points for each in the Finals, and three for the Stanley Cup. Whoever comes out ahead (HAHAHAHA. "Ahead.") gets a hockey-related gift from the loser. So far, just like with last year, I'm winning again. 

Shame on you, Allison. Canada can't claim much, but at least you guys should have hockey. If not, you pretty much get flannel shirts. And Bieber.



Here's a recap of the Quarterfinals, pretending you guys care, and a roundup of our forecasts of the Semifinals. As always, Al is in blue; mine are in red.


NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 1:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS over NEW YORK ISLANDERS 
While we both called this one, I can honestly say that watching the Isles play gave me serious doubts. This turned out to be one of the most entertaining series in the entire postseason. The Isles will definitely become a force next year, thanks to John Tavares and the rest of his line. The Islanders definitely earned some respect from their fans and their opponents, and they've become a team to look out for in the seasons to come.
POINT: BOTH

OTTAWA SENATORS over MONTREAL CANADIENS
Personally I don't give a shit about either of these teams because they're Canadian and I'm not, but everyone assumed that Montreal would take this and then they didn't. 

Canadians are weird. They're all nice and stuff and say "sorry" all the time and then when they play hockey they beat the living crap out of each other. Also sometimes they take themselves REALLY seriously.



POINT: NEITHER

NEW YORK RANGERS over WASHINGTON CAPITALS 
Oh, you mean the CRAPITALS????

Now that we're safely onto the Semis, I can move onto my next round of stress-inducing coronaries. So we won, but barely. I predicted six games, but we were again forced into 7. Fortunately, the seventh game barely registered and the Craps didn't even make it onto the board. It was quite sad, really. The Craps didn't even allow themselves to die with dignity- Ovechkin later had this to say about their elimination:

Ovi on refs: "Not saying there was a phone call, but they wanted Game 7. For ratings. You know, lockout, escrow, league must make profit"

I hope this year's MVP votes aren't already in. He should be traded to Philly. 

Anyway, the Blueshirts won, and that's what counts. I'll no longer have to look at Holtby's smug dick face every time he makes a save. Also on the plus side, Bobby and I can be friends again. 

RANGERS FOREVER.


POINT: BOTH

BOSTON BRUINS over TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS 


It's not so much that the Bruins won, but it's that the series ended the way that it did. Tabs actually cried when Toronto got knocked off, which I completely respect because this makes her a true fan. The Leafs played an entire round, bringing in a Game 7 that resulted in an OT win for Boston.

The question remains, though- was this a result of an incredible Quarterfinal show for the Leafs, or was Boston way off their game (no pun intended)? I'm going with the latter. I'd like to believe that Toronto is on their way to becoming more of a postseason mainstay, but somehow I think they just got hot at the right time and were met with a Bruins lineup that was a little shaken up.
POINT: BOTH

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS over MINNESOTA WILD
Honestly, I'm surprised Minnesota won one game. You can blame injuries all you want, but the fact remains that Chicago is the much better team. Not only would they probably have defeated any team they played in the first round, but they will more than likely win the Cup this year. The Wild, who lack effectiveness and experience, never had a chance.

POINT: BOTH

DETROIT REDWINGS over ANAHEIM DUCKS
I'm especially proud of this one because everyone thought I was clinically insane for predicting that the Wings would win. Essentially, my precognition was that Detroit's crazy power forwards would prevail over Anaheim's nasty goaltending, and that turned out to be accurate. It was a great series and an intense matchup- it went to Game 7, just like I suspected. 

POINT: ME

SAN JOSE SHARKS over VANCOUVER CANUCKS
What the fuck? Can anyone explain how this happened?


POINT: NEITHER

LOS ANGELES KINGS over ST. LOUIS BLUES
Honestly, this could have gone either way. The Blues were eliminated by LA last year, so I knew they would be out for blood this time around. After St. Louis took the first two in a row, I thought that Allison may have gotten this point. LA came back though, and the series went to six games. The Blues played well, and tied the series, but eventually Quick's intense goaltending skills and LA's overall defense led to their advancement. 
POINT: ME

QUARTERFINALS POINTS TALLY: 
NUGS 6, ALLISON 4

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 2:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS vs. OTTAWA SENATORS
NUGS: PENS over SENS in 6



I totally overestimated the Pens- or underestimated the Islanders- and had them demolishing their opponents in 5 games in the Quaterfinals. While the Pens ultimately won the first round, it was an uphill struggle, with the Isles definitely outplaying them in a couple of games. While the Pens' Crosby-Malkin line is still arguably the most formidable on the ice, Fleury proved to be less than stellar in the net once again and wound up getting pulled in favor of their back-up goalie. Meanwhile, John Tavares and his Isles struck a significant amount of fear into the Pens and their fans- look for them in many more postseasons to come. 

Many still seem to think that the Pens are on their way to what would be their second Stanley Cup in under 5 years. GM Ray Shero is making the correct moves, starting Vokoun in goal for tonight's first game at the Consol. 

The Sens, however, are a crapshoot- did they advance due to their own athletic abilities or because the Habs played like total shit? Sorry Allison- I know you love them, but I watched a few of those games. Except for that one matchup where everyone on the ice got in a fight, which was amazing, I really wasn't that impressed.



One thing the Sens do have in their corner is their goalie, Craig Anderson, who had a 1.49 GAA and is a Vezina Trophy finalist. Also it helps that when you add a letter to their name, "Sens" doesn't come out as "Penis."

Just sayin.

Also "Sens" and "Pens" rhyme and that's funny.

Based solely on my observations of both teams in the Quarterfinals, I'm going to give this to the Pens. However, it will go to a Game 6.

ALLISON: SENS over PENS





I'm basing this purely on my round one observations. The Pens did not destroy the Isles as I had originally predicted. Yeah, they won the series, but NYI really did put up a fight. The Sens were extremely determined during their series against my beloved Habs. They pretty much killed us. There was no mercy. Sens are coming off of a pretty awesome win, and Pittsburgh is coming off of a struggle - I'm giving this one to Ottawa.

NEW YORK RANGERS vs. BOSTON BRUINS
NUGS: MY BLUESHIRTS over STUPID BOO-URNS in 7


This is not a biased answer because I die for the Rangers and loathe the Bruins. It happens to be a formal, educated guess based on my knowledge of the sport and my observations of Round 1. 

And it's also a biased answer because I die for the Rangers and loathe the Bruins.

Boston could barely get out of a Quarterfinal round vs. the Leafs. I mean, really? Everyone was predicting a sweep and they went into an OT Game 7. The Bruins are generally very good but they almost fell to a team that hasn't won anything in almost 50 years and doesn't even realize that "Leafs" isn't even a real word. Well played, Boston. Well played.

Meanwhile, my boys succeeded in giving me another stroke this year by being forced into seven games again; fortunately Game 7 against the Craps barely even registered. We totally schooled Ovenchicken and his stupid Crapitals, and we're definitely ready to take on the Bruins. If they could hardly triumph over the Leafs, there's NO CHANCE they'll be victorious against us.

What concerns me about this matchup is that in Round 1, both of us struggled to defeat teams that we should have eclipsed in six games or less. This will make for a solid Round 2, and will cue a string of small heart attacks for me.

ALLISON: RANGERS over BRUINS

Now that the Bruins have embarrassed the Leafs successfully, I can go back to hating their stupid faces and throw this one to the Rangers.

Editor's Note: Strongly agree. I was saying Boo-Urns.



WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS vs. DETROIT REDWINGS
NUGS: HAWKS over WINGS in 6



Chicago is the team in the West that most NHL fans and analysts believe have a chance to take home the Cup. They lost 12 games all season and dominated Minnesota in the Quarterfinals. 

Now that they're matched against postseason stalwarts Detroit, expect at least 6 games in this series. Not only do the Redwings have a couple of unnerving forwards in Datsyuk and Zetterberg, but their defense is getting scarier as well. 

The Redwings are also very familiar with the NHL postseason, having made 22 consecutive appearances. Both teams are recent Cup winners- the Wings in '08 and the Hawks in '10- so they're both used to playing to win. This will be a very competitive series, but ultimately, the honor will go to the Hawks.


ALLISON: HAWKS over WINGS

Chicago will win the cup. P.S. Toews is hot. That is all.


Oh haaaai.
LOS ANGELES KINGS vs. SAN JOSE SHARKS
NUGS: KINGS over SHARKS in 5


I have no idea how the Sharks, perennial playoff chokers, totally swept the Canucks in the first round. That was probably a mistake. Maybe they'll win one game in San Jose, but there's no way they're advancing past the Semis.

ALLISON: KINGS over SHARKS

I have no effin' clue. I really didn't pay much attention to either of these teams much. Sure, let's go LA - why not?  Chicago will kill either of these teams in Round 3.

Keep in mind that there were a lot of upsets in the first round, so more than likely, we're totally wrong again. Let us know who you guys are rooting for in the comments below, and if you agree with our picks. Notice how I didn't say "disagree," because we don't care about that.