So... We're Pretty Much All Fucked, Then?

Being from Brooklyn, I'm pretty skeptical by nature (I'm not entirely sure what one has to do with the other, but let's roll with it), so this whole "Mayan-end-of-the-world Theory" hasn't exactly left me a quivering mess. I'm usually pretty calm about this stuff, unless it involves wild turkeys, or sock monkeys.

What a dick.

Lately though, there have been some impending signals that I just can't seem to ignore. For example, being based out of Southern California as of recently, I can't help but notice the swarm of mini-quakes that have frequented the West Coast over the past few months. They've apparently even gone further into the country, spreading like my legs in the presence of a British accent (hey, if the world is going to end, I may as well go out enjoying myself).

Also, this year saw the demise of R.E.M. and to a lesser extent, Jet, as well as the tragic passing of Beastie Boys' MCA, Michael Clarke Duncan, Phyllis Diller, Tony Scott, Sally Ride, Neil Armstrong and Ray Bradbury. Not to mention, on the same day Neil Armstrong died, Snooki gave birth to what I'm pretty sure will grow up to be the Smoke Monster from Lost.

Is this some weird Rosemary's Baby-type shit?
Because if so I am OUT.

Another tell-tale sign of the Apocalypse- these people are still alive:

Also this asshole. And he owns a Batmobile. A fucking Batmobile.

So not only am I processing all this crazy shit and trying to figure out who gets my Ryan Gosling Blu-Rays in the aftermath (Ginntastic), but then I wake up this morning to this insane fuckery from Uproxx:

http://www.uproxx.com/tv/2012/09/everybody-panic-here-is-a-two-headed-snake/

WHAT.

OK, so I thought of three things when I first saw this:

1) How does this snake take a shit?
B) How long until this is a SyFy Channel movie, and how awesome will it be?
COBRA COMMANDER) HOLYFUCKINGHELL A TWO-HEADED SNAKE MGHSVDFDJDISDCHDGVSDCDKCHJDB OH MY GOD EVERYBODY DIE. What if there's like, a High Council of two-headed snakes, like a Legion of Doom, that has meetings and stuff, trying to take over the Earth?

What the fuck, Mother Nature? Who told you this was OK? Why would you do this? Why? WHY?

I hate you. I hate you so, so much. You are one sick bitch.

Although +5 to the parents that named their kid Preston Logan. I may be dating myself (and we all know that's the only dating I'm actually taking part in), but any Bill and Ted reference is a win in my book.