Power Play: MLB 2012 Postseason Edition

Every year, my family bets on which Major League Baseball team will be the best in every division, win the pennant and ultimately dominate the Fall Classic. If we're feeling really ambitious, we add special categories such as Most and Least Improved, and we also try to guess who will be awarded the Cy Young and MVP. I usually school everyone, but my brother recently joined in so my track record's been slipping the past few years. We claim that this is all just for fun, but I never learned the true meaning of that word so the loser's self-respect and dignity is usually at stake.

Last season I propositioned my friend Johnny Sacks, the creator of Living With Balls, to get in on this with me as well, and I'm ecstatic to report that he got his ass kicked. You can read the full post here.

This year I've been less inclined to watch as many games, as my Mets are fucking humiliating and therefore I know that they're not coming anywhere close to relevancy. Lily likes to make fun of me, but seriously, Lily? You're a Cubs fan and are obviously just bitter and hateful.

Chicago Cubs Official Site. This is just sad.

I'll put up a more detailed post this weekend predicting my winners and losers for the entire postseason, but here's something I thought of first, just for fun, letting you all know which teams are acceptable to root for. Thanks to Alexandra, the only entity associated with Philadelphia that doesn't make me want to dry heave, for putting up the article that inspired me to write this.

ATLANTA BRAVES

I'm a Mets fan. Fuck those guys.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES

I'm pulling for Baltimore for a few specific reasons:

1) They almost, almost managed to steal the AL East from the Yankees, until of course Jeter and Co. managed to wrestle it back. Whether they accomplished this through a hefty payment plan or sexual favors remains to be seen.

B) This is the first time the O's have achieved anything of this magnitude in almost thirty years. Who knows when this will happen again? Plus if Baltimore winds up playing DC in the Fall Classic I might get to think of a cool name for the Series. Any ideas?

UNICORN) This:




+5.

CINCINNATI REDS

The only real beef I have with the Reds is that I didn't pick them to make the postseason this year (I narrowly went with Milwaukee for the second Wild Card), and then they did. So I feel kind of like I got the shaft, and not in a sexy way. Other than that, though, I have no issues with rooting for them.

DETROIT TIGERS

This one was kind of a lock, wasn't it? I would have to say that I'm down with cheering for this team. I love their manager, Jim Leyland, who's like a hundred years old, and with the Lions cratering after a promising 2011-12 season, Detroit could use a boost in morale.

NEW YORK YANKEES

Supporting the Yankees makes you a horrible, soulless minion of Satan that also probably listens to Justin Bieber. This is never OK. Go to jail.

OAKLAND A'S

The one year I don't go with the A's for "Most Improved," and they finally make the playoffs. Just out of spite, I'm going to go with NO. I hope they fail.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS

San Fran won the title two years ago, so it would be nice to see someone else get a crack at this. Other than that, I have nothing against them.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

The Cards are matched up against Atlanta for the Wild Card as I type this, so I'm rooting for them. Because seriously, FUCK THOSE GUYS.

TEXAS RANGERS

The Rangers are so good that I feel like they'll have plenty of chances to get to the World Series. You can root for them, but there are so many first-timers on here, or at least teams that haven't had a crack at this since I watched Maleficent turn into the dragon. I much prefer to go hard for Baltimore or Detroit.



Not the Yankees, though. Never, ever the Yankees.

WASHINGTON NATIONALS

While it is true that the Nats share a division with the Mets, and therefore by all intensive purposes I should hate them, the former Montreal Expos went from supremely sucking to holding the best record in major league baseball. It'll be interesting to see what they can do with this, and honestly, the Mets are so bad that there was really no competition anyway.

I'm going to end this so I can have it up in time for the end of the game, and also so I can find out who you guys are rooting for (Yankees/Braves fans need not apply. Even you, Tits). Check back in a couple of days for my intelligent, researched, thought-provoking analysis of the 2012 MLB postseason, and feel free to leave your choices in the comments below.

WHAT IN THE FUCK.

Occasionally, because I hate myself, I look at videos like this one that I found on Topless Robot:



Seriously, who comes up with this shit? This is the most truly terrifying glimpse into the future I've ever experienced in my life. All of you who made fun of me for being afraid of Teddy Ruxpin now know what the fuck I was talking about.

This is worse than if Justin Bieber got elected President.

BRB, going to kill myself.

Oh, Canada! (Nugs Vs. Allison Edition: STANLEY CUP)

This is it, guys: the final round of the Stanley Cup Championships, for some reason not called the Finals (that was the last round). At any rate, Allison and I have been recapping the NHL Postseason for you, pretending you care, and also for our own validation. We awarded ourselves one point each for whomever called the Quarter and Semifinals, two for the Finals and three for whichever one of us correctly predicted the Stanley Cup.

Whichever one of us loses has to post their most loathed teams' logo on their blog for an entire month. As a lifelong Rangers fan and New Yorker, I hate everything about the Philadelphia Flyers and want them all to fall into a fiery pit of murder and despair. 

As one my favorite resident Canucks and die-hard Montreal Canadiens supporters, Allison's worst nightmare is a world where the Bruins reign triumphant (sorry about last year, Allison). 

Let's recap the Final round of the 2012 NHL Postseason, shall we, and see who's crying into their beer?

Oh, fuck. I guess that would be me.

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 3:

WESTERN CONFERENCE

LOS ANGELES KINGS over PHOENIX COYOTES

LA managed to pull off another amazing run, losing only one game to Phoenix and sending the Coyotes home. This means that there will be Stanley Cup games played in my current residence, and I will absolutely try to sell myself for tickets. FYI, my fingers are tiny but double-jointed, and I can curl my tongue into odd shapes. Just sayin.

POINT: BOTH

EASTERN CONFERENCE

NEW JERSEY DEVILS over NEW YORK RANGERS

I can't even discuss this without getting violently ill. Not only did the Rangers get eliminated, but we lost to fucking New Jersey. I cried, and cursed, and may have thrown my drink at a sailor at the bar (it was Fleet Week). I don't know. I was watching this in New York, and my brother wore his Devils jersey in the bar and got booed. That was pretty magical. Other than that, the Rangers just fucking lost it. They got outplayed, dropping their offense and forgetting to score. In Game 5 the Devils scored three times in the first half of the first period, and twice in the first five minutes! Come on, boys! Get your heads out of your asses! Lundqvist had no backup and the Rangers looked like a peewee hockey team. You know what? On second thought, we don't deserve to win. Fuck this shit. 

My only consolation is that the Rangers are a fairly young team, with little to no playoff experience, and next year better be ready to repeat and go all the way. 

See how mad I am? I couldn't even laugh when I just said "all the way."

POINT: ALLISON

FINALS ROUND POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 9, ALLISON 7

Not even the fact that Allison has pretty much lost is enough to console me. Stupid Devils.

NUGS vs. ALLISON, STANLEY CUP:

NUGS: KINGS over DEVILS

I don't think that anyone is going to have a heart attack when I go with LA on this one. Why?

For one, Los Angeles is technically my hometown now, and even though I'm definitely going to have to deal with obnoxious bandwagonners who weren't even aware that a Los Angeles hockey team even existed, (see: Clippers fans) it IS pretty awesome that the Kings are contenders for the coolest trophy in the history of sports (GQ agrees with me).

Second: LA seems to be the team that surprised everybody this postseason. One of my friends, born in Vancouver, is an ardent Canucks fan, and during the Finals he sent me a text about how his guys had left him humiliated. I wouldn't be so embarrassed; I could have sworn that the Kings had just destroyed the Canucks AND The Blues and were well on their way towards the Cup. It turns out I was right. No one predicted the Canucks' loss; they put in a valiant effort. He just better not root for New Jersey or we'll have a real beef (see below and my entire postseason recap).

LA made pretty quick waste of Vancouver, St. Louis and Phoenix, losing two games in the entire postseason and becoming the first eighth seed team in NHL history to eliminate both the Number One and Number Two seeds and move on to the final round. However, these will be the games that prove just how formidable the Kings really are. They have yet to face an Eastern Conference team and play hockey their way, and the Devils more than match up against their skill and drive. This particular LA team has never won a Cup, and the last time the Kings even made it to the playoffs was in 1993. The Devils have some solid veterans on the ice, backed arguably by the greatest goalie of all time, Martin Brodeur. Jonathan Quick is incredible, but he doesn't have 21 years of experience in the net. 

Considering they had one of their worst seasons in recent memory last year, New Jersey probably REALLY wants a win. It's going to be pretty tough for the Kings to skate by (see what I did there?) with just one loss. They have shown to be fairly aggressive on the ice, however, much like a lot of Eastern Conference teams, and although you can argue that while the Devils have some years on LA, have you really taken a good look at those dudes? The Kings are fucking massive. 

At this point it's anyone's prize. While I (and apparently most sports analysts) do believe that the Kings are going to win their first Stanley Cup this year, it won't be easy. I'm guessing at least 6 games.

Third- FUCK THAT SHIT. No way in Hell am I predicting a Stanley Cup for the Devils, especially when they just knocked out my boys. LA needs to take this. My dignity depends on it.

ALLISON: KINGS over DEVILS

Ding Dong the Rangers are Gone.

I will admit that I first bet against the Rangers because A) They played the Senators in the first round and B) Nugs was diehard for them, so I had to be THAT guy and bet against her just for shits and giggles. But as the rounds went on I noticed that the Rangers were the only "winners" that barely squeaked by each round - and ultimately lost. They didn't dominate at all and I'd argue the Sens or the Caps could have easily beat them had things gone just slightly different. There were no blow outs. I'll allow Nugs to lick her wounds and such, but the fact is the Stanley Cup final will be The New Jersey Devils VS The Los Angeles Kings - two teams I'm sure very few people counted on being in this position.

Who will I choose? Do I even care? Well, I have to pick a team - regardless of my previous loyalties.

I'm going to go with LA.

Why? Well, two reasons. I'm enjoying their cinderella story. They're a team with fighting spirt who have knocked out many of the best teams in the West. Vancouver, St. Louis, and Phoenix - all with ease. My second reason is a more patriotic one, the Kings are full of Canadians. Way more Canadians than New Jersey. And let's face it, The Great One, Wayne Gretzky, once called himself a King and we all still love him.

I know I pretty much have no chance at winning this bet overall, but I might as well take a chance and pick what most would call an underdog team, but I don't really think you can think of them that way now. Their 8th place status really has no effect on what's happened this play-off season.

Well, we both picked the Kings, so technically we both won, but I'll have more points, so yay for patriotism? Whatever. The Rangers are out, so Los Angeles better slam their shit against the glass. I hope the Devils get swept, and shut out every single game. Not only that, but I hope the heat from my tears melts the ice when the Devils come out, and it traps them underneath and they all drown.

And... DIE (Version 2.0)

Over a week has passed since the illustrious miracle/humiliating shitshow that was the Radiohead concert that I went to in Santa Barbara. A lot of you (a.k.a. three people) are probably all, "where the hell is the blog post detailing this momentous event?" You most likely figured I 


1) had a massive stroke and/or coronary brought on from the ecstasy and/or lunacy I experienced before I even arrived at the venue, which would not have been a totally out of the way guess, BTW;


B) drowned in a sea of my own tears, brought on when they played anything, all night;


or


PIRANHA) got arrested for refusing to leave the Bowl hours after the band left and attempting to find new and interesting ways to track down the band members and explain why I should accompany them on the rest of their tour. Also not a totally out of the way guess, BTW.

Fortunately (?) for you guys (and also for me), I was just really lazy and am just getting around to posting today. I was going to apologize for the extended hold time, but then I remembered that I just took an eight-month break, so haaaai.


Haha. "Hold."


Anyway. My boss' fiancee called me to warn me that the weather forecast for Santa Barbara was pretty shitty- 50 degrees and rainy, and that the venue didn't allow umbrellas. Regardless of the fact that the SB Bowl was run by a bunch of assholes, she could have said that there were flash floods and hailstorms and I still would have traveled on foot, so this did not deter me at all. This just proved to me that, much like everything else on the planet, Thom Yorke clearly controls the weather as well, since SoCal now resembled England. I grabbed a hooded sweatshirt and trash bags and we were out the door.


After 2 1/2 hours in the car, where I spent the entire ride doing that thing that dogs do where they get super excited that they're going to the park, we finally arrived right as Radiohead took the stage. 






We totally missed the opening act because of traffic, which I'm kind of bummed about because they are pretty badass. I mean, they opened for Radiohead so they must have been worth checking out live. If you guys are interested in listening for yourselves, they're called Other Lives and their link is here.


Thom apologized a bunch of times for the rain, which was really nice of him, but no one seemed to care that we were all getting dumped on- Radiohead has such a rabid fan base that I doubt anyone even noticed.


The band played all the tracks from The King of Limbs, opening the set with "Bloom," and almost everything from In Rainbows, which is a fucking masterpiece and one of their best albums. The last song they played before their two (!) encores was "Idioteque," which is when my hands started squee'ing all over the place. I was probably like a 15-year-old boy touching boobs for the first time. Also incorporated into the setlist were iTunes tracks "Identikit," "The Daily Mail" and "Staircase," which are also incredible and all Radiohead fans should download them immediately. The only other songs they played that weren't really recent were "Planet Telex," from The Bends (my favorite of their records), and PARANOIDANDROIDOHMYGODHOLYSHIT, which closed out the night. In case you haven't figured it out yet, that was when I totally fangirl'd out and started sobbing profusely. It was extremely embarrassing and I'm probably fortunate that I still have a job. 






There is actual video footage of me crying like a toddler; however, it will not be shown due to that whole "anonymity" deal. And also because I'm vain as fuck.


Also my boss told me that Sawyer from Lost was standing right in front of us, but I saw him and I think it was just some dude who looked like him from the side. Doesn't matter; no one could detract from my Radiohead experience. Not even anyone who looks like this with his shirt off:

OK, maybe a little.

I never buy souvenirs at concerts anymore, but this was Radiohead, so of course I shelled out a disgusting amount of cash and bought a bunch of shit that I will totally regret when my next bank statement comes in the mail. 

Of course one show wasn't enough, so on Saturday I stayed home to watch Coachella's live YouTube feed. Dude, those people got "There, There," "Everything In Its Right Place," and "KARMA POLICE" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) along with everything else that we heard in Santa Barbara. WHAT. 






As soon as I heard the opening to "Karma Police" I lost my shit. I am so glad I live alone. 


I am beyond stoked that I FINALLY got to see Radiohead live (one might say "insane," but I already put a disclaimer up above, so their opinion is already invalid). There were four years between Hail to the Thief and In Rainbows, and another four between In Rainbows and The King of Limbs, so I'm guessing it will be a while before their next tour. When that happens I hope it doesn't sell out in 12 seconds, and even if it does, I am not above jail time. 

SMAC: The Shellator Edition

A lot of you may be wondering what happened to this month’s edition of SMAC (I say “may” because we all know that really isn’t the case. Please just validate me).

The reason you didn’t see anything hilarious or painful on the 2^nd of this month is because we’ve all been busy concocting a mad scheme to humiliate celebrate everyone’s favorite Nip Cliquer (there was a poll), Shelly from Starting Over.

Her birthday is today, and in the grand Nip Tradition of forcing all of us to come to terms with the aging process, we decided to change the name of the anagram from Shitty Movie Awareness Club to Shelly Movie Awareness Club. You’re welcome, Shells. <3<3<3

For the last couple of months, there have been emails, spreadsheets (of course), smoke signals and carrier pigeons in order to get this party started. So not only did we manage to pull this off in time for The Shellator’s actual birthday, I’m totally impressed that we did this completely behind her back. And Shells, if you did actually figure this out, please just let us have this.

Not like I would have an issue with anyone I got paired up with, but I’m stoked to be posting for Rio. I also convinced Risha to add in some commentary, so it’s kind of like the best threesome in the history of blogging. If you feel like skipping the rest of this intro, you can scroll down and read Ginny’s review of Short Circuit, whenever she gets it to me. BTW, the entire Nip Clique have been campaigning for months to get Gin voted Featured Blogger, and it finally worked. Mob mentality FTW!

Anyway, you can see the list of bloggers who worship The Shellator below, along with their choices of Shelly-based movies. We’re all waiting for her to pretend to be pissed off, but then be like, “Oh dear!” and be super embarrassed but also secretly laugh.

We love you, Shells- we hope this is your best birthday ever! And uh, please vlog your face when you read this post.

This Month’s SHELLY MOVIE AWARENESS CLUB Swap List:

GINNY with Short Circuit

NUGS and RISHA with Beauty and the Beast

RIO with Scooby Doo

LILY with Alice In Wonderland

COYOTE ROSE with 2009’s Star Trek

MANDY MOORE with Now & Then

TABS with Star Wars

LORRAINE, NICOLE SWEENEY and SARA NIPPLES with Susie Q

HARLEY with The Aristocats

And now- Ginny brings it.

This month for the shitty movie review ring we're mixing it up. First of

all it's Shelly birthday! Happy birthday Shelly! Second of all we picked movies to review that remind us of Shelly. Lastly, this is not a shitty movie and if you tell me you don't like this movie I'm going to think there is something wrong with you.

Editor’s note: I TOTALLY agree. This movie is awesome.

When I think of Shelly I think of cats and animals. If a live robot came to Shelly's house I have no doubt she would take it it in and have a little robot pet. That's not a very good hint to the movie I'm reviewing so I'll just tell you. In honor of Shelly I'm reviewing Short Circuit. Johnny Five is the original Wall-E!

In case you haven't seen this classic 80s movie this is what you need to know. There's a robot (number 5) that gets struck by lightning and becomes alive. He escapes from Nova and Nova wants their pricey robot back. Steve Guttenburg along with some random indian dude that has the best lines in the whole movie try to get the robot back since they created the robot and their boss is pissed.

Now Ally Sheedy takes in Number Five because her character Stephanie takes in every animal under the sun! She's got cats, skunks, dogs, bunnies, geese, kittens, and now a robot who she thinks is an alien. Yeah because my first impression when I see a robot is that it must be an alien. Stephanie is the reason why this movie reminds me of Shelly. How many cats can I have? Not enough. At least this is what I imagine Ally Sheedy says in this movie because this woman has a zoo in her house.

Now the Indian engineer sneaks in these lines that have me dying laughing.

"I am thinking she is a virgin, or at least she used to be."

"With excitement like this who is needing enemas?"

Driver: "He can't shoot us with that lazer can he?"

Ben: "I am not knowing!"

Driver: "Would he kill me if I stop?"

Ben: "Who is to say?"

Driver: "Will he kill me if I don't stop?"

Ben: "Again I am shrugging!"

At the end of this movie Steve Guttenberg invites Alley Sheedy to live him on some huge amount of land his family has in another state. She hesitates for five seconds and then asks him how he feels about animals. That's right Guttenberg, Ally Sheedy is taking all her animals with her and you can't stop her!  Shelly should be cast in the remake.

SMAC: ASSHOLES EDITION

You guys are in for a very special edition of SMAC this month. I was actually going to skip the July movie reviews altogether, seeing as how I've been going through some incredibly overwhelming shit (more on that at a later date) and I've also been letting my Childhood Trauma posts pile up. I sent out an email that let everyone know that SMAC was a no-go for July, and we would pick up again next month.

And then. AND. THEN. I found out a few days ago that Season of the Witch had come out on DVD. I had waiting for this since the day it had been released in theaters and was met with a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Its final score was a 7%, which I had been warned by Sara Nips that it didn't even deserve. I was intrigued. I must see this movie.

My genius plan was to have the July theme of SMAC be "Season of the Witch," where we all watch the movie and review it for someone else's blog. We already did a Nic Cage-themed 'ring back in April, and it was so mentally damaging that I swore I would never watch another one of his movies ever again, but seriously, this one deserves a post of its very own.

Unfortunately for me, no one else was willing to take one for the team. I figured that at the very least, my girls in the Nip Clique would be the wingwomen- you know, the friends that hook up with the ugly guy so you can have quality sexytimes with the totally hot piece of ass you picked up at the bar, only to discover that he's dumb as a fucking stump and/or secretly a leprechaun? Not that that's ever happened to me. On either side. However, apparently this movie is so bad, so heinously awful that even my best bloggy friends were like, "hell, no!" and left me to suffer through the torturous twenty minutes that I got through. Thanks a lot. And you guys all claim love.

Basically, here's what I got from the time that I spent (actually) watching Season of the Witch: There's some chick that everyone thinks is a witch, and the other characters have to bring her to some village. That's about it. We don't learn her name, although I suspect that's because even the fictional character was embarrassed to be part of this movie and chose not to reveal who she actually was. Ron Perlman was in this movie, BTW- Ron Perlman! I sincerely hope his performance in this pile of shit doesn't scare you guys away from ever watching Sons of Anarchy or either of the Hellboy films, because both of those (especially SOA) are pretty substantial and if you haven't experienced them yet, you should.

The costumes and props are pretty hilarious; the whole thing reminded me of when I used to play Oregon Trail. Honestly, I would have welcomed the dysentery at that point- it would have given me an excuse to get away from the movie.

Also, in the spirit of the NCH scale, what is UP with this dude's hair? I absolutely give this one a category all its own. I don't even... what the fuck.

At least go to a SuperCuts, in the name of all that doesn't suck!

In the twenty minutes (actually, 18.75) I spent wondering how Nicolas Cage ever earned an Academy Award, I really did attempt to make it to the end. As the creator of SMAC, I really hate to let you guys down, but I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I've finally found the one film that defeated me; the one that even I couldn't get all the way through. I thought it couldn't be done, ever. That is quite the accomplishment- congratulations, Season of the Witch.

I am officially mad at all of you for forcing me to go through this misery by myself. No more sexual favors (and don't think you can get away with hiding in my treehouse, Lor- I've briefed him on the situation and he knows what's up).

You guys owe me. Huge.

2 GIRLS, 1 CAM: NUGS' 100th POST

So it's come to this: post number 100.

Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far. When I started That Ain't Kosher, I figured maybe four people would be interested in what I had to say and I would give up after a few weeks and go back to watching old episodes of Stargate all day.

Well, too bad for you, because I'm a persistent little asshole. A few months ago a bunch of you voted that I should do a vlog, so I decided to celebrate my hundredth by gracing your screens with my drunken redeye majestic visage. It just so happened that this milestone fell during the weekend of Mandy Moore's epic birthday ridiculousness, so I got her wasted and tricked her into making a guest appearance. I know all of you are quivering with longing, so I'll shut up and get right to it.

So here goes my anonymity, shot to shit. Enjoy. Thanks to Mandy for relinquishing her dignity.

AURAL SEX: NOVEMBER 2010 EDITION

If you’re an avid supporter of my blog you may have noticed two recurring themes: One, my constant ingenious assassination attempts against Justin Bieber; and two, my undying devotion to live music.

Since I can’t actively try to kill that little shit without drawing attention to myself and therefore creating a hefty criminal record (ha…creating. Let’s go with that), this month’s Aural Sex is focused on the healthier part of my obsession- those particular concerts that changed my life, that inspired me, or that stirred something in me I never knew I had. Here’s my list:

(Some of these aren't from the actual shows that I went to, because I couldn't find the posters for those. Obviously, they were all in the tri-state area.)


GREATEST MUSICAL O’S OF MY LIFETIME


BAD RELIGION/THE AGGROLITES/OFF WITH THEIR HEADS (2010)

I’d already seen Bad Religion at Warped Tour a billion years ago, but this show was so much better because it was their 30^th Anniversary Tour, so this one was entirely about them. They played for about an hour and a half, and while they focused mostly on this past decade, they did some of their old stuff, too. Everyone went nuts for “Los Angeles is Burning,” which is my absolute favorite BR song. Their encore was like, four songs long, also.

I’m also crazy for Off With Their Heads, a punk band from Minnesota that have a song called “Fuck This, I’m Out.” If that doesn’t make you want to at least check them out, you have failed me.


I’m most in my element when I attend punk shows, even when I go alone. Most of my friends don’t listen to the genre, so I usually have to go by myself, which gives me the opportunity to scream, jump around and act like a total lunatic. Bad Religion is arguably one of the most influential punk acts ever, so seeing them live was one of the most cathartic musical experiences of my life.

SHINY TOY GUNS (2010)

I’d been tracking this band for YEARS before I finally saw them perform this summer, and it was everything I expected. Shiny Toy Guns uses crazy visuals to amp up what are sadly under-discovered tracks that have just recently earned more of a following thanks to their advertisement deal with Lincoln.

I totally embarrassed myself at this show with my camera, but it was worth it because I finally got to see them live. They played EVERYTHING.

JOURNEY/HEART/CHEAP TRICK (2008)

I don’t give a shit what anyone says- Steve Perry is one of the most incomparable rock vocalists of all time, and Journey has some of the most superior tracks to come out of the ‘70’s and ‘80’s (“Don’t Stop Believin’” isn’t even their best song, but if it gets them the recognition they deserve, I’ll take it). Did you guys even know that lead guitarist Neal Schon played with Santana when he was only a teenager? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I make zero apologies for my unhealthy infatuation respectful admiration for Journey.  I’m so into them that I even paid 25 bucks to see a Journey tribute band by myself and got incredibly angry when they busted out “Oh, Sherrie.” That’s not a Journey song! (When I mentioned this to my dad he got really quiet, and then suggested I “talk to somebody.”)

When I found out they were playing in 2008, I asked everyone I know to go with me and (understandably), they all turned me down. I was dating The Sexaholic at the time and he started laughing; then finished with, “Oh, you were serious? Oh. Then no.”

Luckily, my dad is a Journey fan, and he also loves Cheap Trick. He wasn’t too ecstatic about the concept of seeing Heart, but I was, because I love them, and he also can’t resist my sad puppy face (I do have the tendency to be rather adorable).

The entire show was great- Heart can still rock out, and Cheap Trick put on an absolutely stellar performance that I would have expected from artists 20 years younger. Journey was the last band on and I was the youngest one there, and I knew every word to every song. Of course, when I told this to all my friends, they all got that look on their faces.

I don’t care, dude. I would still see Journey again. I would rather see them with Steve Perry than with some guy that they found on Youtube, but at least I can say that I saw Journey live.

QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE/NINE INCH NAILS (2006)

During my first couple of years of college I interned for a guy who was a few years older than me, so our taste in music was pretty much on par.  One afternoon I was in his office, doing assistant-y stuff, when he asked me what my plans were later. Someone had given him tickets to that night’s QOTSA/NIN show, and he couldn’t make it, so he was offering them to me.

After I picked myself up off the floor, I called my brother. I knew not inviting him to a free Nine Inch Nails concert was akin to taking an aluminum bat to his car after having his best friend fuck the girl he was in love with right in front of him.

The show itself was fucking insane- I still think about it as if it happened yesterday. It’s easily in my Top 5, and even though I’m no longer at that company, that guy is hands-down one of the best bosses ever.

THE PRODIGY (2005)

I often go to concerts by myself, because my taste is radically dissimilar from that of the rest of my group, but The Prodigy is the first live show I ever saw unaccompanied. It was totally agonizing, especially because there were two couples groping each other in front of me, but that changed after about half an hour because I met a guy who I still hang out with five years later. We started chatting, exchanged email addresses, and a friendship based on an insanely nerd-tastic love of music and sci-fi developed from there. This year for my birthday he even bought me a PS3 and didn’t even laugh at me too hard when an alien ate my head.

So, thanks, D. This entire post is for you.

HOT HOT HEAT/WEEZER/FOO FIGHTERS (2005)

Actual concert ticket purchased by me. I saved it.

I actually took my dad to this show for one of his birthdays because he loves Foo Fighters and likes Weezer’s old stuff. I’m a fan of Hot Hot Heat, too, so this was a triple Music O for me.

I’ve probably seen Foo Fighters five or six times by now. Dave Grohl is a musical mastermind and every live show is completely new- it’s like how a Catholic schoolgirl feels when she walks into a sex shop for the first time. If you haven’t seen them yet, GO.

As for Weezer, I would definitely recommend their older material, although I would have to put them in the "lame" category recently. However, they do have a shout-out to Lost on their latest CD, so I might check it out.

Maybe.

THE USED (WARPED TOUR, 2003)

Besides having the distinction of being the first ever free show that I’ve attended, seeing The Used play the 2003 Warped Tour was also a bonding moment for my brother and I.

Before anyone knew who the hell The Used actually were, my brother used to hang out with them, and they invited him to watch their set at Warped. I thought that he took me along to be nice, but he later told me it was because I had a camera phone and he didn’t. Um, thanks.

Anyway, not only did I get to hang with the guys in The Used, I also met a few of the other bands and had the opportunity to lounge on the corner of the stage while they shot a video of their performance. Considering the occupation that I currently hold, that isn’t a big deal anymore, but back then, it was pretty fucking sweet.

Spending time with my brother and realizing that we shared a common interest also helped cement the relationship we have now. We go to shows together all the time, but it’s this first one that really sealed everything.

NO DOUBT (2000)

No Doubt’s Return of Saturn tour was the first one I was ever allowed to see without parental supervision. I was in high school and my best friend was the first one of us to get her license, so seven of us piled into her parents’ van and drove all the way to New Jersey. We all thought that attending a concert by ourselves and staying out past midnight made us total bad-asses (note: it did not. It wasn't even a school night).

Gwen Stefani annoys the shit out of me now, but I’ll never forget the experience of seeing her perform. I can always tell when an artist truly revels in being onstage, and she loved every minute of it. It made that particular girls’ night out that much more unforgettable.

GREEN DAY (1995)

There are two musical moments that I credit with steering me in the direction that I ultimately wound up in. One of them was when I saw Almost Famous, which I won’t go into again because you’re all probably totally sick of that by now.

The other was the release of Green Day’s Dookie in 1994 and subsequent tour. When that record came out I was really young and still poisoning my ears with Wilson Phillips and Nelson (all of you can go fuck yourselves- I already said I was really young).  Then I went to my cousin’s house and heard “Longview” blasting from his stereo, and that was it. My entire CD collection went into the trash, and my mom was horrified forever.

Dookie was the first CD I ever bought for myself, with my own money, and I played it over and over again until I wore it out. When I learned that my cousin was going to see Green Day live, I pretty much forced him to take me with him.  I’m sure he was really stoked for that one. He’s a lot older than me and I was a major cock-block, considering he brought a date with him also. In retrospect, he was pretty cool for agreeing to it. I’m not exaggerating when I say that that show completely altered my life.

Discovering Green Day totally transformed my taste in music. I became a punk addict and used my love for the band to spin-off into the mid-nineties So-Cal scene and artists that dominated the grunge genre. While all of my friends were collecting NSYNC and Britney Spears albums, I was filling my CD booklets with Rancid and The Offspring. Later on I fell in love with The Clash, The Ramones, and the pioneers of the '70's New York and UK punk scenes as well.

My love for Green Day has died down considerably since then, especially after “Time of Your Life” came out and pansy-ass twelve year olds pretended that they loved the band when they had NO idea what else had been previously released. However, no one can argue that Green Day is a fucking powerhouse and that American Idiot is already considered a classic. I would absolutely see them again- but only if they played their old stuff.

THE BANGLES (1980-something)

This was the very first concert I ever went to. I don’t remember what year it was, but I think I was like three. My parents say that Susanna Hoffs looked at me when they did “Walk Like An Egyptian,” and this is most likely why I’m so involved with music now. Foreshadowing, yo.

OK, probably not. But I still listen to The Bangles today. Seriously, “Eternal Flame” is one of the best songs written about love in the eighties.

Here’s a weird fact: Hoffs is married to the guy that directed the Austin Powers movies. Turn that one around for a while.

FUTURE AMAZINGLY EPIC SHOW THAT IS GUARANTEED TO MAKE MY HEAD EXPLODE:


SOCIAL DISTORTION (2011)

A few months ago I found out that Social Distortion, who I’ve been stalking not at all frighteningly consumed with for almost 15 years, was embarking on a double-legged US tour. First I was totally bummed out because they were coming nowhere near LA. I even wrote a post pleading with them to play there. I promised to degrade myself for tickets, and it was extremely humiliating. Then I almost wet myself when I realized that we were going to be in New York at exactly the same time, but the tickets were 50 bucks and I’m broke as hell.

I told my dad over the phone and he was all, “oh, sorry, that sucks.” Then a few days later he dropped the bomb that he’d looked up Social Distortion’s tour dates and found out that they’re coming to Los Angeles a couple of weeks after my birthday, and he’d gotten me two tickets as a present.

I was speechless on the other end for so long that I think my dad thought I was clinically dead. I don’t know whether he’d had the tickets all along and wanted to surprise me, or he decided to get them for me after that first call, but I think he just won some sort of Award for Dads that hasn’t yet been invented. Social Distortion is one of my all-time favorite bands that NEVER tours, and I’m pretty sure that I’ll cream myself at the show, if I even make it there. I might die from delirium first.

BTW, if anyone EVER wants to get me Radiohead tickets, I can’t pay you or anything. However, I do have an interestingly shaped tongue and tiny yet dexterous fingers. Just saying.