SMAC: ASSHOLES EDITION

You guys are in for a very special edition of SMAC this month. I was actually going to skip the July movie reviews altogether, seeing as how I've been going through some incredibly overwhelming shit (more on that at a later date) and I've also been letting my Childhood Trauma posts pile up. I sent out an email that let everyone know that SMAC was a no-go for July, and we would pick up again next month.

And then. AND. THEN. I found out a few days ago that Season of the Witch had come out on DVD. I had waiting for this since the day it had been released in theaters and was met with a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Its final score was a 7%, which I had been warned by Sara Nips that it didn't even deserve. I was intrigued. I must see this movie.

My genius plan was to have the July theme of SMAC be "Season of the Witch," where we all watch the movie and review it for someone else's blog. We already did a Nic Cage-themed 'ring back in April, and it was so mentally damaging that I swore I would never watch another one of his movies ever again, but seriously, this one deserves a post of its very own.

Unfortunately for me, no one else was willing to take one for the team. I figured that at the very least, my girls in the Nip Clique would be the wingwomen- you know, the friends that hook up with the ugly guy so you can have quality sexytimes with the totally hot piece of ass you picked up at the bar, only to discover that he's dumb as a fucking stump and/or secretly a leprechaun? Not that that's ever happened to me. On either side. However, apparently this movie is so bad, so heinously awful that even my best bloggy friends were like, "hell, no!" and left me to suffer through the torturous twenty minutes that I got through. Thanks a lot. And you guys all claim love.

Basically, here's what I got from the time that I spent (actually) watching Season of the Witch: There's some chick that everyone thinks is a witch, and the other characters have to bring her to some village. That's about it. We don't learn her name, although I suspect that's because even the fictional character was embarrassed to be part of this movie and chose not to reveal who she actually was. Ron Perlman was in this movie, BTW- Ron Perlman! I sincerely hope his performance in this pile of shit doesn't scare you guys away from ever watching Sons of Anarchy or either of the Hellboy films, because both of those (especially SOA) are pretty substantial and if you haven't experienced them yet, you should.

The costumes and props are pretty hilarious; the whole thing reminded me of when I used to play Oregon Trail. Honestly, I would have welcomed the dysentery at that point- it would have given me an excuse to get away from the movie.

Also, in the spirit of the NCH scale, what is UP with this dude's hair? I absolutely give this one a category all its own. I don't even... what the fuck.

At least go to a SuperCuts, in the name of all that doesn't suck!

In the twenty minutes (actually, 18.75) I spent wondering how Nicolas Cage ever earned an Academy Award, I really did attempt to make it to the end. As the creator of SMAC, I really hate to let you guys down, but I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I've finally found the one film that defeated me; the one that even I couldn't get all the way through. I thought it couldn't be done, ever. That is quite the accomplishment- congratulations, Season of the Witch.

I am officially mad at all of you for forcing me to go through this misery by myself. No more sexual favors (and don't think you can get away with hiding in my treehouse, Lor- I've briefed him on the situation and he knows what's up).

You guys owe me. Huge.