Sunday, July 31, 2011

Do You Hear What I Hear? (Probably Not)

Today marks an incredibly important day in the history of ever:

It's SHARK WEEK 2011!

I am super excited- one might perhaps even say I am... shark-cited?

For those of you who don't know about my unnatural obsession curious fascination with sharks (i.e. missed the post I wrote last year commanding you all to watch the Discovery Channel), let me defend myself by reminding you that Dude! It's SHARKS. They probably know they're awesome and jump around all, "yeah, I'm a shark. What's up motherfucker? Time to get eaten."


Also in 2006 there was an episode that aired called 10 Deadliest Sharks where the mako shark was "teased and baited with chum."

That sounds sexy.

My birthday is in 6 months. Just putting that out there.
Anyway, I prepare for Shark Week! every year. I announce its arrival to everyone who I'm 95% sure won't have me committed, sometimes even weeks in advance, whether it be through phone calls, emails, or bouncing around excitedly like a retarded chihuahua on speed. I mark the impending date on all three of my calendars. I hit up the local supermarket for shark-related snacks. I even have a drinking game prepared, courtesy of, which is extra-frightening considering I'll be watching most of the shows by myself (thanks a lot, assholes). I also invented a new activity, where the word "shark" is incorporated into everyone's every day lexicon, a la the Smurfs, only less eye-gougingly irritating. For example:

"What the shark?"
"Shark, yeah!"
"That's shark-tastic!"
"Please pass the shark."

This year Shark Week! is hosted by SNL's Andy Samberg (of "Dick In A Box" and "I Just Had Sex" fame). He's usually pretty funny so I definitely approve of this pairing. The new line-up for 2011 promises to be just as shark-sational as last year, and I've provided a schedule for you guys so you know when exactly to call out sick to work. 

Some of the highlights include:

ROGUE SHARKS- premiering Monday, August 1st, 9pm
Basically this is Jaws, but on TV and with multiple attacks by multiple sharks. I can't wait to see a bunch of douchebags in swimming trunks get eaten. This is gonna be sweet.

KILLER SHARKS- premiering Tuesday, August 2nd, 9pm
Keeping with the theme of "sharks rule," this documentary focuses on unsuspecting travelers in the 50's that are all, "lala, we'll go on vacation and ignore the fact that there are SHARKS IN THE WATER." Dumbasses.

SHARK CITY- premiering Thursday, August 4th, 9pm
With what is decidedly the coolest name for a show ever, this portion of Shark Week! focuses on a handful of our subjects as individuals as they hunt, eat and size each other up. Look for the special interview where the head shark is like, "yeah, I've been a shark for about four years now. My hobbies include swimming around, chilling with my wife and baby sharks and chewing on peoples' legs. My favorite band is Radiohead."

Personally, I would also like to see a guest appearance by Sharktopus, but one can only dream.

Old episodes of Shark Week! are going on right now so the fact that your TV isn't on is inherently disturbing. I myself am parked in front of the Discovery Channel with my Shark Bites, pausing only to alert you all by writing this post. 

Breakfast of Champions

If you do decide to partake in the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, let me know how it goes, and what your favorite experience (or six) was. 

See you all in a week.


Anonymous said...

This might be the first time I've ever been sad about not being able to watch Shark Week. It's largely because I think Samberg is HOT, but still. So, if I was there, I'd totally watch it with you.

Kay Bee said...

I love that not only are you advocating Shark Week (which, btw, is all sorts of awesome), but you also know about the Sharktopus. I, too, would like to see some Sharktopus action.

Penny Lane said...

Sharks! Sharks! Sharks!!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

These shark week drinking games are AWESOME. Can I have just the drinking though without the sharks? No? No? No?



Tina said...

I love Shark Week; it teaches me how to survive in the shark-infested waters of Hawaii. :)

PS: BAHAHAHAHA at the girl with the shark on her crotch!

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

I have never watched Shark Week... am I the only effing person on the planet who can say that? I just dont see the appeal.