Dead Space Vol. 3- Prison Break!

As always, there are spoilers for the graphic novels in here. So if you care, don't click on the links.

One might think that this post is going up so far behind the episode airing because I'm aiming for dramatic effect, considering The Walking Dead comes back THIS WEEKEND OMGJAZZHANDSOMGJFGDGHJKDVCVCVJCVJKVHBJXHVCBXJ!!!!!!

One would be wrong. I'm just lazy.

Made to Suffer opens with the appearance of Tyreese! Holy shit! Not only is Tyreese awesome, but he's played by Cutty from The Wire, which is the most brilliant program ever created for television. If you have never seen it, trust me- buy it now. You are missing out. Besides the 2013 Ravens, The Wire is probably the only thing that Baltimore has to be proud of.

Tyreese's gang includes himself and a family of three, which is weird because isn't his daughter's boyfriend supposed to show up in this bitch? Oh right- more than one black guy attracts zombies.

Never mind. His daughter, Julie, I assume, is the fifth member, but who the fuck knows with this show? The mom gets bitten on the arm, so Tyreese's gang is all, "cool, let's keep her alive instead of immediately preventing her zombification by killing her. Oh hey, her terrified pre-teen son."

They wander around for a while before coming across the Prison. I don't know why I didn't make this connection before, but we can totally do a Six Degrees game with Sarah Wayne Callies, kind of. In 2005, when she was on Prison Break, (also first-rate programming, if you get the chance to check that out), her character spent all her time in a prison and there was a character called The Governor. Also, she was a morphine addict, and most likely still would have made a better mom than Lori Grimes.

We then cut to Mayberry, where Andrea is trying to look all pretty and shit for her new boyfriend. I'm still confused as to why Andrea is so fucking stupid. I guess I can see not noticing the undead kid in the closet, especially if you're a clueless moron. But how do you completely miss a room with fish tanks full of fucking decapitated heads? That's a pretty messed up hobby. I mean, it's not like The Governor is harboring an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.

 

Glenn and Maggie are still being held captive, and Glenn does a super bad-ass trick where he fashions weapons out of zombie bones. He and Maggie get re-kidnapped by Merle and are ordered to be taken into someplace called the "screamer pit," which, frankly, sounds kind of sexual.

Meanwhile, the Atlanta Gang continues to make their way towards The Governor's camp, continuing to point out how useless Michonne is even though she's the only one who knows where they're going and also brought them food. The entire town of Mayberry has conveniently forgone all security at this point and everyone just waltzes in all, "oh haaaai." Michonne immediately goes to kick The Governor's ass and in doing so finds Penny, whom she mistakes for a regular child until she pulls off the bag and sees the little zombie face. The Governor pleads with Michonne not to hurt his daughter but she isn't having any of that shit and drives a sword through Penny's head. Then there's a ridiculously mind-blowing fight where Michonne breaks one of the fish tanks and slams one of the glass shards into The Governor's eye. Andrea walks in in the middle of all this and is all, "NO!" Whatever, Andrea. We're all already tired of you.

Readers of the books will understand why Michonne hates The Governor so much; he does some pretty horrific things to her on the page. In the TV show, however, he's just an incredible asshole. There is no denying that The Governor is a scumbag, but he hasn't really done anything personally to Michonne to warrant a loathing this formidable. Yet.

Back at the Prison, Carl, who clearly does not watch enough horror movies, runs out to investigate a strange noise and runs into Tyreese and his crew. He shoots and kills the Bitten Mom and then pulls a gun on the rest of them, which prompts them to refer to Carl as a "man." While last season this would have seemed like a ludicrous concept, Carl is actually shaping up to be not totally useless. Well played, writers and/or Chandler Riggs.

So everyone escapes from Mayberry except for Daryl, who has probably chosen to stay behind in order to look for his brother. The Governor, who has apparently taped some paper towel over his eye, captures him and parades him in front of the residents. He informs them that Daryl is a terrorist, and that Merle is his brother and that now there needs to be a showdown between them. I recommend a dance-off, with lifts and glitter leggings. That would be amazing.

NOT GAY.

I'm guessing the writers won't kill Daryl, since he's the definition of "fan favorite," but he's not in the novels so basically they can do whatever they want. These last two months have been real nail-biters, especially for me because I bite my nails. Personally, I think Rick is going to come back, save both Daryl and Merle and kick some Governor ass. Then everyone is going to make out.

I said not gay!

I would also like to point out that SyFy brainlessly decided that this Sunday is the night that they are finally going to air Battlestar Galactica: Blood and Chrome- directly opposite the return of The Walking Dead. I'm of course not a television program director, but this seems like just about the dumbest move they could possibly make. I have On Demand so I can catch one of them later but still. TWD already has an established audience that is anticipating Season 3.2 probably more than the birth of their first child. I loved BSG, but there is no way I'm missing zombies on TV.

Anyway, let me know if you tuned into this, and what you thought of the episode. I promise I will recap Season 3.2 in a more timely manner, and uh, sorry about my epic fail.

Minority Report

I know I'm late on my Dead Space analysis. My New York move finally came through, so I'm just now settling in. I'll get to it sometime before Season 3.2. Or, before they kill off another minority.

So, yeah, about that: I'm finally a New Yorker again. I'm crashing at my brothers' place in Brooklyn until I figure out exactly where it is I'm going with my life, but hey: at least I'm here. I hadn't even left the terminal at LAX before I updated my Current City on Facebook, to which Penny Lane responded,

I love how you wasted no time changing your city to New York, NY.

Fuckin' A, I did. Peace out, LA.

I did, in fact, manage to find some incredible girlfriends there, which in Los Angeles is more arduous a task than locating a pair of real jugs, and of course all of this happened after I had already booked my flight because the Irony Fairy is real. My last night in LA was spent at my friend's acoustic singer-songwriter performance, where I was serenaded and may or may not have actually cried a little (guess which one). All my girls came out to see me off and Kitty knitted me a scarf, which I then slept in because we're practically lesbians. Then we all drank some wine and cried a lot, and I got on the plane.

PS- everyone leave comments about how amazing the scarf is, because I want Kitty to go into business with this. Maybe if enough people love it she'll actually listen to me.

The plane ride was relatively uneventful- no Quadrant of Crying Babies (which sounds like it could be the next title in the Song of Ice and Fire series), although there was an old dude snoring behind me for a good three hours. There was an also an unbelievably magnificent guy two rows in front of me- he looked like Baby Goose if he hadn't slept or showered in a week. I wanted to kidnap him and make him read me the dictionary all day. You know, after the dirty stuff. He was no question my future second husband, so of course all I did was stare at the back of his head and leave without saying anything. Dying alone, 100%.

My first weekend in New York has been spent with my family, due to the fact that last night began Chanukkah in the Nugs house. I did have a gift for my brothers, and while they were certainly very appreciative, they felt no Jewish guilt whatsoever in the fact that they got me (and the rest of my family) absolutely jack shit. Whatever, yo. We're all poor. I also sent Ginny's cats a Christmas gift, and apparently, it made them so high that they turned on each other and one kicked the other in the face. You can get a glimpse of all the carnage here. 'Merica.

He's also a little molester. It's true. He grabbed my boob once in my sleep.

Of course, to acknowledge Chanukkah, a major Jewish holiday, I visited the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center because that's an awesome way to ignore my cultural heritage. Holiday season in New York, while freezing my proverbial balls off, is the optimum time to visit the City because it's one of the things that we're famous for- in addition to the Tree, we have the Skating Rink, the Rockettes, the store windows, Macy's- I won't even go on because I've already posted about this, so you can read all about it here. Times Square, on the other hand, doesn't count because no genuine New Yorker gives a fuck about Times Square.

I did, however, receive a couple of gifts to commemorate the holiday. I've been wearing out the aforementioned scarf from Kitty, and I've been really tempted to tell people I made it myself because I've gotten a ton of compliments on it and I have no real discernable talents of my own.

Also, almost as cool, I've been granted the Liebster Award from Christopher at Mixed Drinks & Mixed Feelings! It's been awhile since I've won an award for blogging, so this is pretty great. He also handed this out to my friends (and fellow New Yorkers) Penny Lane and Natalie Paige, so that makes it even better.

Basically, the Liebster Award is given to blogs you think deserve recognition- those with less than 200 followers. You then post 11 random things about yourself, answer 11 questions from the person who gave you the award, make up 11 questions of your own, and bestow the Liebster on 11 unlucky victims of your choosing. So here are my 11 facts:

The one thing about myself that I absolutely hate is my middle name. It totally doesn't fit the rest of my personality and I will never tell anyone what it is. So don't bother asking. Not even with tequila.

I was at the top of my class in first grade. The first time I got a B, I cried.

My first childhood crush was Lion-O from Thundercats. I was four.

I have never broken a bone or sprained anything. This is a total miracle because I'm always tripping over my own feet or falling all over myself.

I have one published piece of writing; it's a poem that's in an eighth-grade textbook.

I have never eaten Nutella. 

The first concert I ever saw was the Bangles. I was really young, probably around three.

My family's heritage is about 70% Russian, yet I've never been there and can't speak the language.

I have no tattoos and no piercings, due to the fact that I am terrified of needles.

I went blond once; for my junior prom. It was not a good look.

My mom makes the best mashed potatoes in the world. Ever. No arguments.

QUESTIONS FROM CHRISTOPHER:

1) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Oh god. This is like Sophie's Choice, only less depressing and horrible. I'll spare you all the analysis of every single superpower of every character in the DC and Marvel universes (univi?) and just go with Genius Billionaire Playgirl Philanthropist.

2) If you had to move away from where you live, where would you like to move?

Um, already done. See: entire post.

3) If you could see any five bands in concert (past or present), who would they be?

Can I pick Radiohead again? Yes, because it's my blog and whatever I say goes. Besides them (another four times): Led Zeppelin, The Black Keys, Beastie Boys and Daft Punk.

4) You get to spend a week with a celebrity of your choice; who is it?

I think we all know this one. If I mention his name one more time I'm going to come up on police reports.

5) You have unlimited funding for a day; what would you do?

First I would give a million dollars each to my friends and immediate family members. Then I would bank a few mil in savings and never touch it again. Then I would invest in a private island with my own litter of adorable puppies, and purchase a jet to take me there whenever I wanted. Then I would fire the owner of the Mets and the Jets because I can do a better job than both of those clowns. Then I would buy the NHL and get the season started again because SERIOUSLY???? COME ON!

Then I would buy Baby Goose. Because why the fuck not?

6) If you could have any restaurant located IN your house, what would it be?

Ray's Pizza. YES.

7) Favorite superhero?

Second childhood crush: Superman. Faster than a speeding bullet, if you get what I'm sayin.

8) What was your very first blog about?

This is my first blog. Winner and still champion.

9) Drink of choice?

Alcoholic? Anything with vodka. Non-alcoholic? Chocolate milk. I'm an eight-year-old.

10) Biggest pet peeve?

People with bad grammar, especially when they mess up their homophones. Ugh, HATE.

11) How many awards have you gotten (blogging or otherwise)?

This brings the Blogging Awards total to eight. I also won some community awards as a kid, but I can't remember them because that was like eleventy billion years ago.

11 POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS:

Allison @ My Quarter-life Crisis

Bobby@ BooyaBobby

Erin@ The Post Modern Talko

Gina @ The Hitchhiker's Guide Through Insanity

(Different) Gina @ This Is Not Your Blog

Ginny@ Ginny in Boston

Jorge @ Every -ist and Every -ism

Lily @ Is It Too Early For a Martini?

Rio @ Good Music, Bad Math

Tabs @ I Am, Therefore I Do

Tits @ Dancing on the Bar of Life

11 OBLIGATORY QUESTIONS: (Meaning please validate me)

1) If you could only eat one kind of chocolate forever, which type of chocolate would it be?

2) If you could have one celebrity for your "Cheat List," who would it be?

3) What is the one habit you have that you really wish you could break? For example, I swear like a sailor on leave and I know how incredibly not attractive it is, but I really can't help it.

4) What is your favorite condiment? (CondimENT. You little perverts.)

5) What's your one vice? (Alcohol, cigarettes, New Jersey...)

6) Who is the family member you're the closest to?

7) Pick one: Pizza, bagels, hot dogs or pretzels?

8) What, in your opinion, is the most quotable movie of all time?

9) I like that favorite superpower question. Let's go with that.

10) Besides Brooklyn (obviously), what is your favorite type of accent?

11) Describe the perfect zombie apocalypse. And make it sexy.

I like that Blogging Awards are once again a Thing, especially because I've been given one. You don't have to do this, but if you don't, I'll be sad, and that does mean more puppy pictures, so it's really your call.

                        I am not above bribery, FYI.

Happy Chanukkah everyone!

Dead Space Vol. 2- BOOM! Panties Drop

That noise you heard on Sunday was the splatter of ovaries hitting televisions as they exploded in a sea of "HOLY GOD YES."

This week's The Walking Dead, "Say The Word," picked up right where "Killer Within" left off, with everyone being introduced to Rick (?) and Lori's daughter. Rick was too busy writhing around on the floor trying to win that well-deserved Emmy, so Daryl stepped up and held her and HOLY SHIT KITTENS AND MAGICAL RAINBOWS. Every time he asked the baby if she "liked that, Little Ass-kicker," not a woman on the planet did not respond in the affirmative. The only way the writers could have ensured more Defcon One-r levels of masturbating is if they would have cut to that video of Baby Goose singing the theme song from My Little Pony.



Top that off with Daryl putting flowers on Carol's grave and that's it. I'm done. Your move, other racists.

Apparently getting massively turned on by Daryl cooing to Lori's infant daughter does not make me a sociopath, judging by the Talking Dead that followed "Say The Word" (gotta say, that's a relief). I am, however, a little concerned about the tingly feelings that develop whenever the focus shifts to Batshit Rick (BRick? Let's make this a Thing).

For those of you familiar with the books, you know that Lori's death begins Rick's spiral into becoming completely and totally fucking insane. Also, for those of you familiar with the books, you know exactly who was on the other end of that phone call. I like how they're wasting zero time and not dragging that storyline out (it's AT&T, because Rick was too stupid to switch to Verizon).

Anyway.

I'm a little worried as to what it says about me that the more insane Rick (BRick) gets, the more I'm attracted to him. It can't be just me, right? I mean, his Crazy Face is pretty sexy, even if it's really bloody. Also if you think about it, all of this insane rage porn is to avenge the death of his wife, whether we all hated her or not, so it's kind of devoted and sweet. Kind of. Maybe. Also don't forget- British. He did this once:



I think I'm alone now.

Even The Governor also got in on some cute kid action, until we discovered that his daughter Penny is a zombie that he keeps in a closet, oh haaai.

Again, if you read the comics you knew some of that already, but the show has been deviating, so there's still that element of surprise.

It'll be interesting to see just how important a role Penny plays with all the characters, and just how closely the showrunners follow the books, if you get what I'm saying.

Wait- ew! Not like that. You perverts. She's like seven! I love you all so much.

At any rate, thank you, The Walking Dead, for no longer being a metaphor for my sex life. Between Daryl holding babies and BRick and his one-man zombie destroyer, after next week I'll most likely be pregnant.

Dead Space Vol. 1- All Dawgs Go To Heaven

I usually don't do reviews of things I actually enjoy because then I can't make fun of them. However, this week's episode of The Walking Dead, "Killer Within," was such a major sack-punch (if I had a sack) that I HAVE to discuss it. All my friends are talking about it so I would feel kind of left out if I didn't. So here's a new thing that I'm trying out. If it turns out to be wildly popular, this is Volume 1. If it doesn't, eh, I tried.

If you watch the show and/or are a fan of the books but haven't gotten this far yet, I would recommend that you not read this post, because then you'll know what happened and might think I'm a bitch, even more than you probably already do. If, like me, you witnessed the emotional fallout in real time, then cool. All systems go.

Being on the West Coast, I should really know to avoid Facebook on Sundays and Tuesdays, when my friends will unfailingly post about that night's respective episodes of TWD and/or Sons of Anarchy. I had shut off my laptop but unfortunately was too stupid to remember to turn off my phone, so while I was eating my dinner this alert popped up from Booyabobby:

Our wish finally came true! But damn that was heart breaking.

As an avid reader of the comics, I could only assume that he was referring to the anticipated and celebrated death of Lori Grimes, one of the worst and most reviled characters in the history of network television, although I was surprised that this was the episode that the event took place. Lilly, the character that shoots Lori in the books, hadn't even been introduced on the show, and Lori's baby had yet to be born (Also, fans of the show, is that the worst pregnant stomach ever, or what? What did they put in there, a NERF ball?).

Zombie Baby? Or BOOBIES?!?!?!

Then again, Carol was still around, so that whole Sophia deal was completely out of whack with the timeline as well.

BTW, thanks for forgetting that I'm three hours behind you, Bobby.

I decided to quit with the neurotic, Jew-y psychoanalysis and just watch the damn episode, already. It started out hilariously with Glenn and Maggie being caught boning in the tower and getting "yeah, man" looks from Rick and Daryl. That scene easily goes into my Top 20 Walking Dead moments. Everyone's reactions were totally realistic- Maggie was mortified; Glenn was like, "check me out- I just got laid"; the men were all up in that shit.



That, of course, was short-lived because the generators all started blaring and the walkers began to pour in. The Atlanta Gang immediately commenced with the killing, slicing heads and stabbing all over the place.

Meanwhile, back in Mayberry- sorry, I meant Woodbury- Andrea continued to skank it up and try to get into the pants of both Merle and The Governor. He's who this election really needed, IMO. Imagine how awesome that would be.

This dude for President of Everything.

She and Michonne were, in fact, planning on taking Merle to find Daryl, but because The Governor spoke more than two words to her, Andrea wants to stay now. What the fuck happened to Andrea? She used to be cool, kind of. Then she jumped on Shane's dick and became a sniveling little twelve year old with floopy hands and whiny facial expressions.

I've also been expecting a lot more from Michonne this season. She's one of the most popular characters in the comics, and save for a bad-ass entrance at the end of last season, she hasn't done jack except stroll mopily around the house and tell Andrea why they can't trust people. I guess she did off her zombie pets, and that was kind of cool, but dude, if I had access to a katana blade I would use it to hand things to people. But anyway.

As Andrea attempted to slut it out in Mayberry, the Atlanta Gang was busy taking names in the prison. Fucking Andrew from episode 2 showed up while Rick was busy trying to save his friends. God, Andrew. Good timing. Fortunately Rick didn't have time for any of that shit and killed him.

PS- I found out at Comic-Con that Andrew Lincoln is actually super, super British. As if the weapon carrying and the copious ass-kicking weren't enough, he just got exponentially hotter, oh haaaai.




Wow, I am really fucked up.

Of course, as much I'd been reveling in how great this episode had been so far, I still remembered the spoiler (!!!!!!) Bobby had posted on my Facebook wall earlier and couldn't escape that nagging lump in my throat (that's what she said). TWD did not skimp on the brutal deaths this week. Carol is missing and we're not entirely sure whether she made it out. She never really had a clear purpose but still, that kind of sucks. The first gut-wrencher, however, came in the form of the episode's MVP, T-Dawg, who pushed Carol out of the way when the walkers had them cornered and ran directly into the line of fire, giving Carol a chance to escape or at least get a solid head start. I'd heard that T-Dawg would have a bigger role this season, having more than two lines and maybe even some character development. Guess not. RIP, T-Dawg. From what we could tell from your four syllables, you were pretty awesome.

Here's a clip of IronE Singleton on this week's Talking Dead. You can tell he's just as nice a guy as everyone says and I hope he books a ton more acting gigs after this.



Next up we had what Entertainment Weekly is referring is to as "that scene." Now, I've been on the Whore-y Grimes train ever since I discovered the books in 2010, but DAMN, Walking Dead.

Lori had the distinct attribute of being one of those characters that I absolutely despised up until the very minute that I realized they were a total goner. This is impressive considering that it's only been accomplished by very few others- Jack Shepard, Marissa Cooper, Daffy Duck.



I detested Lori the entire time and I had the same reaction to her passing that I had when Opie got killed off on Sons of Anarchy or when Jin and Sun drowned together on Lost, and those were all beloved television icons that I may never recover from.

While running from the walkers, Lori chose that exact moment to go into labor and ushered Maggie and Carl into the boiler room (finally! Carl "stays in the fucking house!"). Maggie was forced to play midwife until Lori started excessively bleeding, because she would of course probably have a zombie baby. Meanwhile Carl is off to the side like, "oh great, the first vagina I ever see and it's my mom's."

Lori realized that something was up with her kid and told Maggie she would have to cut her open and extract the baby from her stomach, most likely killing her in the process. The world went "YAY!" but then we had to watch her say goodbye to Carl. The scene is below, and it's heartbreaking.



The speech Lori gave to Carl when she told him he would have to take care of everyone, including his father, was handled with grace, sincerity and real emotion. It was one of the most realistic scenes I've watched on television since I can remember, and it was made even more difficult when Carl volunteered to shoot his own mother in the head so she wouldn't turn. Maggie left the room, we heard a gunshot and then Carl emerged, all stoic and Child of the Corn like. He's not an annoying, useless little shit anymore, and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Both Sarah Wayne Callies (who played Lori) and writer Robert Kirkman claim that Lori is dead, gone and off the show completely, but Callies totally lied about her character's fate this season so as not to spoil fans, and we never actually witnessed Carl shooting her in the head, so you never know. I really hope we get to see Zombie Lori. That would be sweet.

Also, now that Lori is gone, we'll probably never find out whose baby it actually is, either, since the comics never tell us. My theories are as follows:

If the baby ever jumps directly into Andrea, it's Shane's. (Chris Hardwick suggested this on an episode of Talking Dead once. I think that was genius.)

If the baby won't stay in the fucking womb, it's Rick's. ("Baby! Stay in the fucking womb." "NO!" "Yup, it's mine.")

I think if you take an informal poll, you'll find that the scene where most people lost it is where Rick sees his daughter (not mentioned in the episode, but if you read the comics, you know) and figures out that his wife is dead. Andrew Lincoln deserves all the fucking awards. Just all of them. Emmy, Golden Globe, American Kennel Club, Award for Obscure Abbreviations, Jamy Toaster, whatever. Hell, just elect him President.



The moment was borderline "what's-in-the-box," but the dude's wife was just killed. Seriously. BTW, this marks a turning point in the books where Rick begins a spiral into becoming a complete fucking mental patient.

There's a reason The Walking Dead  is one of my favorite television shows, and it's episodes like "Killer Within" that I would probably force my friends to watch to prove my point. This show does not fuck around, and although "Killer Within" was a terrible idea when I am PMS'ing and the leftover Halloween candy was not within arms' length, I am so grateful for quality programming and not more crap like Honey Boo Boo.