Tuesday, June 15, 2010


No one is perfect, but I will be the first to toot my own horn, which lately is all I've been doing because I've been single for the past eight months. But ANYWAY. I may sometimes be a little too loud, anal, overprotective, and swear like a motherfucker, but I'm also loyal to a fault, which is why I've been with the same cell phone company for ten years.

My dad got me one of those Zack Morris huge-ass monstrosity calling devices from Verizon when I was in high school, and I've been with them ever since. For the most part, their customer service is great, and their reception is amazing. I rarely drop a call, and I always get texts within a second of them being sent.

My real first love

When I landed an internship, while I was in college, I got a Blackberry for emails, which is pretty much the worst out of all the Smartphones. Trust me- all Blackberries are suck-ass pieces of shit that break all the time and have piss-poor Internet. I went through three different models and five different phones in the span of four years, and in a moment of anger-induced weakness, terminated my contract and switched to AT&T. I got an iPhone, which I was obsessed with.

My deal with AT&T lasted four days- they are fucking awful. Their customer service is deplorable, their range is laughable, and their contracts are riddled with hidden fees. No wonder they have an exclusivity deal with the iPhone- that's all they have going for them. Everyone I know that has AT&T hates them.

When I left, AT&T informed me that conveniently, there was a no-fee charge after three days- I was one day too late. I paid them and told them to get them the hell out of my life. I won't even get into everything here, mostly because I blocked it out, but it took me two whole days on the phone with both companies to switch back to Verizon. For my trouble, they gave me a Droid Eris, which at the time had just been released.

Over the next four months I went through three piece-of-shit Erises. I finally called Verizon, told them that every phone they sent me had something wrong with it (which they knew anyway, because at this point they had kept exchanging phones with me), and they upgraded me for free to a Motorola Droid, which is what I had almost gotten in the first place but didn't because it costs a zillion dollars.

I was really excited- the Droid supposedly blew the iPhone away. It was still touch-screen, but with a keyboard, which was considerably less obnoxious and meant no butt-dialing ever again. The apps were awesome, which I already knew from blowing off work to play Solitaire and do word searches for hours on my Eris (I'm a huge loser). Also, not only did the Droid sync with Facebook and Google, it also saved photos and music just like the iPhone. The Internet was apparently ridiculously fast, too. So not only would I have everything that the iPhone had, but I could call almost all my friends and family for free, because 90% of them have Verizon, also.

Here's the original commercial for the Droid, where it basically eats the iPhone alive.

I got my Droid in the mail from FedEx last week, complete with absolutely nothing- no back, no charger and no battery. I called Verizon, and they were at least apologetic. I was going away for the weekend for work, so I agreed to the regular standard shipping. I sat around all day today and waited for the FedEx dude to show up, and this time everything came, but they had sent me the wrong battery.

This was getting ridiculous.

I called Verizon back and they told me I could go to the store and get the battery there, and that they would also activate the phone for me. I did so, and figured it was all taken care of. I got home, anxious to charge my new awesome phone, and realized that they had also sent me the wrong charger, and no memory card.


So I phoned Verizon AGAIN, and gave them my name AGAIN, although I did tell them that I was surprised they didn't know me by my voice by now, seeing as how I called them more than I called my own mother. I explained, not very politely at this point, what had gone down over the past few days, and the woman on the phone actually told me that she was pretty embarrassed. Well, you should be. She immediately ordered me the accessories, although she did tell me I would have to pay for the SD card and the overnight shipping.

Asphincter says WHAT?

I tried reasoning. I tried bitching. I tried crying. I tried threatening. I almost told her I would come over there and pour Tabasco sauce into her eye, but she wouldn't budge. So for $15, I have to wait another day to use my awesome, technologically advanced Droid that has so far caused me nothing but anguish and pain- and I can't even make any calls yet.

Damn you.

This is definitely a testament to how much I value the sanctity of the bond between a girl and her wireless provider. Verizon has had me in a psychological choke-hold for the last ten years. That little red checkmark is my Pavlov's bell- I see it and come running. Can you imagine if it roofied Apple? Their kid could get me to do whatever it wanted.

Don't get any ideas.


Sara said...

Wow, I actually really like AT&T, although they are a bit expensive. But I know a ton of people who hate them, too. I've just had great luck with the company.

Mei said...

I hate all cell companies and my blackberry. Out here in Montana we can't even get iPhones or AT&T. All you can get is Verizon....
Oh and why didn't you just go to a Verizon store??

That Ain't Kosher said...

I DID! TWICE! I had to walk there too, because I have no car. Now I have to sit here all day, again, and wait for the dude with my charger.