PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME

A couple of weeks ago I had dinner with some of my co-workers and, for some inexplicable reason, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory came up. I've been terrified of that movie since I was a little kid. I don't know what it is- the creepy music, the weird costumes, the kids being eaten by candy... or it could have been those horrifying, discolored, deformed midgets that sing that scary song and ride around on that acid trip boat. Yeah, that's probably it. I made the mistake of admitting this to the guys who were sitting with me and over the course of the next hour they kept busting out the tune and laughing. I of course started freaking out, which made them go at it even more. Dude, that shit sucked when I was growing up and that's why I never got over it!

Look at this clip and tell me it doesn't freak the shit out of you.

(PS- I got scared just Youtubing that.)

Anyway, I stand by my fear of that movie and hold claim to this day that it's not irrational, especially when you look at the list of all the other stuff I'm afraid of. Some of them are really fucked up, which kind of makes sense if you've been reading my blogs at all.

BTW, here's how much I love you guys: I actually had to look at these pictures and videos so this post wouldn't be boring. So I risked having nightmares for you. You're welcome.

CLOWNS- At least I can explain this one. I was dumb enough to watch the movie It when I was about four or five and to this day I can't even look at them. Ever since then I've been terrified of all clowns except for Krusty from The Simpsons. They even look scary with their stupid makeup and their retarded laugh and those weird tricks that they do.

Oh My God NO.

Apparently clowns are a legit fear- there's an actual name for it and Johnny Depp shares the same phobia. Anything involving Johnny Depp is good enough for me.

DOLLS- I fucking HATE dolls. I'm especially petrified of those porcelain ones that stare at you, but all of them are pretty frightening. Stuffed animals and Barbies are bad, too. I can't sleep if they're looking in my general direction because even though I'm no longer a little kid, I still think they're going to come to life and attack me. I remember when I was really young and my aunt went to China, and she got me this evil-looking doll that I was convinced was going to kill me. My dad felt bad for me and hid it in the garage until he finally tossed it like, five years later.

Definitely hide the knives.

PUPPETS- Not all of them. Some are kind of funny actually, like the ones from Conan or that hilarious Fox show Greg the Bunny. But the ones that really creep me out are ventriloquist dummies, marionettes and sock puppets. I fucking hate sock puppets. Oh, and Lamb Chop. Even as a kid I knew there was something off about sitting there with a hand up your ass and smiling and dancing around like you actually enjoyed it.

I'm sorry, but that's just not right.

In case you're wondering, I was also afraid to watch Mr. Rogers. No, I don't want to be your neighbor, you fucking pervert!

TEDDY RUXPIN- Teddy Ruxpin scared the crap out of me because his mouth was the only thing that moved when he told his creepy stories to unsuspecting children, and his eyes used to roll back in his head like he was possessed or something. I actually had one as a kid and my parents knew that I didn't like him, so they used to put him on my bed while I was sleeping to fuck me up. Wow, that was mean.

Even now he makes me a little queasy.

Here's a video I found of Teddy Ruxpin scarring kids for life. You've been warned.

KANGAROOS- Kangaroos are ugly and silent and they sneak up on people and punch them. How would that NOT freak you out? Plus I found this picture floating around the Net a few years ago, and again recently on my friend Mei's blog:



WHAT THE FUCK? That is like, the creepiest shit I've ever seen. No.

GIRAFFES- I'm afraid of giraffes for most of the same reasons I'm scared of kangaroos. They're really ugly- they have weird antenna-like shit on their heads and and their bodies are wrong-shaped. They also have oddly long tongues, which would normally be a plus, but they're like, blue or something, which is generally what you want to stay away from. Isn't that, like, a symptom of The Herp?



There's this commercial for Six Flags where a giraffe sticks his head in a car and licks some kid. My friend sent it to me as a joke and I couldn't sleep for two days. I'm serious. That's also why I'm afraid of the musical Cats. Those fuckers run through the audience and touch you. One of them licked me once. How about not?

PARROTS- I don't like when things talk that aren't supposed to, like birds, or men. That shit just ain't right. About 20 years ago I went on vacation and there was a parrot there that learned to address me by name and I haven't been the same since.



Actually, pretty much all birds freak me out because I always think they're going to run at me and peck me. Wild turkeys are bad too because they make that obnoxious gobbling noise while they come barreling towards you.

Shut up, bitch.

At least the peacock has a funny name. Pea and cock? Together? Awesome.

I'm an eight-year-old.

MIDGETS- I know that being afraid of midgets is kind of like being racist. They can't help being all small and shit, and it's wrong to categorize that as a character flaw. I get that. But you know what? Sue me. Midgets are creepy as fuck. That's part of the reason I'm so scared of that Willy Wonka movie. I think it's just the notion that they could sneak up on me at any moment and BAM! that would be it. I'm not exactly a beanstalk but at least you can see me coming.

Apparently pop culture doesn't get it because there are like 9,000 reality shows about midgets now. TLC alone has like four of them.

Here's one of them.

The exception to this is Chuy from Chelsea Lately. I love that guy.

PARADE FLOATS- What exactly is the deal with parade floats? Why do they have to be so huge and come at your face like they're trying to smother you in a helium-induced murderous rage? They totally ruin all those beloved cartoon characters that I grew up with, and that just ain't kosher (and there it is!).


Snoopy is the worst of them all because he was always my favorite and this destroyed him for me.

It's weird that I'm so panic-stricken by all this ridiculous shit because I love horror and sci-fi and all this stuff that really should scare me but never does. My entire family thinks I'm weird, and they're probably right.

Please don't have me taken away.