I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP

Studying marketing all throughout college has turned me into a conspiracist. This really annoys my mom, but I'm usually the first one to launch into the "don't believe the hype rant." If you really think about it, most commercials are pretty stupid and unconvincing anyway, and you really have to wonder what the idiots in the advertising department were thinking when they came up with them. I mean, really- wouldn't you watch somebody's brat kids for a few hours, only to be rewarded with a payment in gum? I know I would!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq55mIxT33M

One of the worst offenders, in my opinion, has always been Victoria's Secret. The models in the commercials, and the catalogs, are hilarious. I don't know about my friends, because I don't watch them get naked (sorry to debunk that myth, dudes that read this), but when I get dressed in the morning, I don't prance around for an hour in my underwear, posing in front of the mirror and making faces like a blow-up doll. My hair doesn't move around like that, either. Also, I'm not, like, 300 pounds or anything, but their apparel doesn't turn me into Adriana Lima, although I have been mistaken for her identical twin (HAHA! I jest, sadly). I call bullshit on you, Victoria's Secret.

It's hard to tell just who the company is aiming for with their advertisements- obviously, their number one demographic is women, but we're only interested in the product, not the models. I don't give a shit what the so-called "Angels" are doing with the underwear. I just want to see what it looks like, and then I get pissed when I put it on and I'm not perky or bouncy like the girls in the ads. What the hell? Liars!

This is totally how I look first thing in the morning.

Men that see the ads are going to get turned on, of course, but they're not going to buy the product, unless they're dating someone, or married. Unless they want the stuff for themselves, and that's a whole other story.

BTW, has anyone else ever wondered exactly what Victoria's secret actually is? Is she a lesbian, or a tranny?

Anyway, I do shop there, like all my girlfriends, because here's the problem I'm faced with. I'm "blessed" with a gigantic rack. I've been hauling these shitcans around since I was twelve, when they magically sprouted like Icarus with his fucking wings. I remember when I woke up one morning in seventh grade, ready to put on my little Carter undershirt with the bow, when my mom looked at me and shrieked, "What the hell are those?!" and immediately took me out for a day of bra shopping. It really sucks because the rest of me is pretty small, so not only do I deal with back and neck pain, shitty posture and occasional cramping, but finding bras that don't seem like they should belong to my grandma has always been close to impossible.

Enter Vicky's. Even though they're ridiculously overpriced, they actually make stuff that I'm not totally embarrassed to wear. Last week I realized that I could no longer put off the hellacious task of bra-shopping, so I recently went in there just to see what they had to offer. When I walked in, I was instantaneously accosted by some sales minion in a turtleneck. Her boobs were normal-size so I knew right away that this would not go well.

"Hi!!!" She greeted me. Ugh, she was perky. This was going to be tough. "How can I help you?" I don't know, do you have a scalpel? I told her that I needed a regular bra that wasn't exceedingly ugly that kept the girls above my navel. Her face lit up as she walked me over to what was basically their "new releases" section, and she showed me one of their freshest collections- the Miraculous Push-Up, the one that's currently all over TV that adds two cup sizes.

First I stared at her in disbelief for a full five seconds of awkward silence. Then I slowly came to my senses. "Listen," I told her. "I appreciate your whole marketing perspective, and the fact that you're trying to sell me your latest product. I studied marketing; I respect that. But when you look at me, do you honestly think, 'this girl really needs to look bigger!' I mean, what's two cup sizes up from this, a W? Do you even make this in my size?"

All the poor girl could do was blink a few times. I did feel kind of like a bitch, but seriously. If I followed her advice, this could have been me:



I think emphatically not. Victoria's Secret, please pack your knives and go.

I finally settled on a couple of regular BioFit bras, albeit in an interesting array of colors so I didn't feel like a 75-year-old. So while my wallet definitely suffered, I did tally up another victory for common sense.

I wonder if I can pay for those bras in Trident Layers.