Friday, April 27, 2012

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison Edition: Round 2)

The NHL Semifinals start tonight at 6pm my time; 9pm in Allison's zone, so we realized we had better stop slacking off and get our Round 2 predictions up pretty fast. After the Devils squeaked out a victory over the Panthers last night-
and my brother sent my dad and I this text: "Oh my God YEEEESSSSDdSsDdDDddDgjjj"-
we immediately got to work cranking this shit out. For Allison's version, mosey over here, and be sure to give me extra points for adorable use of the word "mosey."

If you're just tuning in, here's a rundown of our bloodthirsty amicable competition:

Basically, we're predicting which teams we think will win each round of the NHL championships. That's it. Not real creative or difficult to figure out. Sorry. To make this a little more engrossing for the rest of you, Allison and I came up with a way for us to lose even more of our dignity and self-respect: We awarded ourselves one point for each series winner that we called correctly, and at the end of the Stanley Cup Championship, whoever has the least points has to display their most hated team's logo on their blog for an entire month. Allison can't stand the Bruins and I want the Flyers to die in a fire, so I REALLY hope I win. Let's do a recap of the Quarterfinals, just for fun:



Although I have to hand it to the Sens, who managed to force seven games out of my Rangers, did anyone really expect them to emerge the victors of this series? There were a few moments where the Rangers let their guard down, allowing the Sens to capture three games, but I'm attributing that more to the Rangers' lack of offense. Sorry, Allison, but the Sens never had a shot. Solid effort, though. Word.
(I asked for a bonus point due to my Rangers still being in it, but Allison said no. I'm greedy that way.)

I lost this point, but I can't say that I'm too broken up about this. A), the series did go to seven games, so at least I was half right, and B), I'm not exactly the Bruins' biggest fan either. Actually, I don't know anyone who likes them, unless they're from Boston. Plus their fans are racist dicks. I'm with Allison on this one.

What an incredible Game 7 this was. I hate the Devils and even I was on the edge of my seat. It was easily the most exciting game in the 2012 Quarterfinals. My brother was practically shitting himself. It went into double overtime, so Allison went to sleep, but we were on Facebook together for most of it, and a lot of our conversation consisted of  "!!!!!!"

Sadface though: Jason Garrison of the Cats is seriously hot, and now I don't get to look at him anymore.

Both sides win, then?




I have no idea what happened here. This was probably pretty embarrassing for Vancouver. Meanwhile, I would like to think that LA is getting better and maybe, maybe, I'll be able to go to more Championship games. Probably not, though.

BTW, the Canucks just lost Luongo- he's already asked to be traded. 

This was pretty much a given- every NHL analyst and their dog called this one. 

This was the only series in the Western Conference that wasn't a 5-game defeat. Chi-Town put in a valiant effort but in the end, my genius showed itself once again and the Coyotes advanced.

The Preds stomped all over playoff mainstays Detroit and won me another point. 

Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of me being awesome.


Just like Round 1, my picks are in red, and Allison's are in blue.


These series were pretty easy to call for me. Basically it came down to the team I've been rooting for for almost 25 years and the team I would take a torch to without any instigation (or hesitation). Here are my forecasts:


This is not only due to my Rangers bias, although I admit that's a huge part of it. I want nothing more out of this season than for my Rangers to lord it over everybody and just completely dominate. Also it would be really awesome if I could have something to top my brother; he roots for the Devils AND the Yankees.

(My other brother, however, is a Rangers fan also, so +1 for family solidarity. Up top.)

In all seriousness, though, the Rangers do seem like the favorite to win this series. The Caps have a history of not going very far in the playoffs, regardless of the fact that they forced the Bruins (last year's champs) into seven games. It isn't that long ago that they were being referred to as the Crapitals. Even though the Caps made it all the way through the Quarterfinals, I feel like they played over their heads and aren't a solid match for the Rangers, who were early Cup favorites and are still in talks to go all the way (ye-yeah).


Nugs, I'm sorry, but I have to reward the Caps for taking out Boston for me. Plus it will keep our friendly rivalry going for a bit longer. Both teams battled hard in their first rounds. I could flip a coin and pick here.

Editor's Note: This just in from the bleachers: You suck.


I just can't bring myself to predict the Stupid Flyers to win anything, ever. If the Flyers played the Nazis, I would root for the German soldiers. 

OK, maybe not. But I would want it to be a really close game, and maybe I would want the Nazis to be ahead for most of it. I may even pull for some double OT.

I despise the Stupid Flyers. There aren't enough synonyms in for the word "hate" to describe the depths of my loathing for them. Go ahead, look. I'll wait.

Although it would be cool for the Rangers and the Flyers to play each other in the Finals and watch the Rangers completely wreck their shit. 

No! No. Stupid Flyers lose.

I'm going to go New Jersey here. I'd like to see Philly go home.


This was a little tougher. All of the teams in the Western Conference are equal, or almost as good, as the next, and I also don't follow the West as closely as I do the East. I did the best I could with these, so here's what I think:


LA pulled a ridiculous upset when they defeated President's Trophy winner Vancouver to advance to the Semifinals. No one, and I mean no one, called this series, considering the Kings flip-flopped their playoff contention all season and just barely made it in (much like my ex- hey-o!). As much as I would love to see some Stanley Cup games in LA, the Blues are unstoppable this season and have the impeccable coaching abilities of Ken Hitchcock behind them. It's a difficult prediction, but I have to give this to St. Louis.

I'm gonna stand by my man, I mean men. And LA needs to be taken down a few notches. Have fun skating on slush in LA.


Out of all the series in the Semifinals that I had to call, this is the one that gave me the most trouble. Both of these teams defeated playoff stalwarts, and were actually favored by most NHL bloggers and analysts to do so. I watched both of these series, and both Phoenix and Nashville seemed to be evenly matched and equally impressive. The Preds even knocked out playoff institution Detroit in only five games. That's badass.

I went back and forth and agonized over this- I mean, I am basing one of my choices on my extreme animosity for the Stupid Flyers, so I more than likely lost a point right there, and I really, REALLY don't want to post that migraine-inducing logo on my blog for a month. I finally decided that while both the Preds and the Coyotes could easily take this series, I have to go back to my Round One prediction and give this to Phoenix. With Dave Tippet's coaching skills and the goaltending talents of Mike Smith, the Coyotes should be able to advance, but not before Nashville gets a full seven games out of them.

This is a tough one. For one, I didn't pick either of these teams in round 1 for petty, silly reasons. Guess I should get serious about this, right? I'll go Phoenix. There ya go, done!

This rivalry seems to be heating up pretty nicely. The Semifinals are scheduled to run into mid-May, so check back then to find out who's still bitter and who's collecting more winning points. 

Monday, April 23, 2012

And... DIE (Version 2.0)

Over a week has passed since the illustrious miracle/humiliating shitshow that was the Radiohead concert that I went to in Santa Barbara. A lot of you (a.k.a. three people) are probably all, "where the hell is the blog post detailing this momentous event?" You most likely figured I 

1) had a massive stroke and/or coronary brought on from the ecstasy and/or lunacy I experienced before I even arrived at the venue, which would not have been a totally out of the way guess, BTW;

B) drowned in a sea of my own tears, brought on when they played anything, all night;


PIRANHA) got arrested for refusing to leave the Bowl hours after the band left and attempting to find new and interesting ways to track down the band members and explain why I should accompany them on the rest of their tour. Also not a totally out of the way guess, BTW.

Fortunately (?) for you guys (and also for me), I was just really lazy and am just getting around to posting today. I was going to apologize for the extended hold time, but then I remembered that I just took an eight-month break, so haaaai.

Haha. "Hold."

Anyway. My boss' fiancee called me to warn me that the weather forecast for Santa Barbara was pretty shitty- 50 degrees and rainy, and that the venue didn't allow umbrellas. Regardless of the fact that the SB Bowl was run by a bunch of assholes, she could have said that there were flash floods and hailstorms and I still would have traveled on foot, so this did not deter me at all. This just proved to me that, much like everything else on the planet, Thom Yorke clearly controls the weather as well, since SoCal now resembled England. I grabbed a hooded sweatshirt and trash bags and we were out the door.

After 2 1/2 hours in the car, where I spent the entire ride doing that thing that dogs do where they get super excited that they're going to the park, we finally arrived right as Radiohead took the stage. 

We totally missed the opening act because of traffic, which I'm kind of bummed about because they are pretty badass. I mean, they opened for Radiohead so they must have been worth checking out live. If you guys are interested in listening for yourselves, they're called Other Lives and their link is here.

Thom apologized a bunch of times for the rain, which was really nice of him, but no one seemed to care that we were all getting dumped on- Radiohead has such a rabid fan base that I doubt anyone even noticed.

The band played all the tracks from The King of Limbs, opening the set with "Bloom," and almost everything from In Rainbows, which is a fucking masterpiece and one of their best albums. The last song they played before their two (!) encores was "Idioteque," which is when my hands started squee'ing all over the place. I was probably like a 15-year-old boy touching boobs for the first time. Also incorporated into the setlist were iTunes tracks "Identikit," "The Daily Mail" and "Staircase," which are also incredible and all Radiohead fans should download them immediately. The only other songs they played that weren't really recent were "Planet Telex," from The Bends (my favorite of their records), and PARANOIDANDROIDOHMYGODHOLYSHIT, which closed out the night. In case you haven't figured it out yet, that was when I totally fangirl'd out and started sobbing profusely. It was extremely embarrassing and I'm probably fortunate that I still have a job. 

There is actual video footage of me crying like a toddler; however, it will not be shown due to that whole "anonymity" deal. And also because I'm vain as fuck.

Also my boss told me that Sawyer from Lost was standing right in front of us, but I saw him and I think it was just some dude who looked like him from the side. Doesn't matter; no one could detract from my Radiohead experience. Not even anyone who looks like this with his shirt off:

OK, maybe a little.

I never buy souvenirs at concerts anymore, but this was Radiohead, so of course I shelled out a disgusting amount of cash and bought a bunch of shit that I will totally regret when my next bank statement comes in the mail. 

Of course one show wasn't enough, so on Saturday I stayed home to watch Coachella's live YouTube feed. Dude, those people got "There, There," "Everything In Its Right Place," and "KARMA POLICE" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) along with everything else that we heard in Santa Barbara. WHAT. 

As soon as I heard the opening to "Karma Police" I lost my shit. I am so glad I live alone. 

I am beyond stoked that I FINALLY got to see Radiohead live (one might say "insane," but I already put a disclaimer up above, so their opinion is already invalid). There were four years between Hail to the Thief and In Rainbows, and another four between In Rainbows and The King of Limbs, so I'm guessing it will be a while before their next tour. When that happens I hope it doesn't sell out in 12 seconds, and even if it does, I am not above jail time. 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison Edition)

Here's something special for the the three of you who read That Ain't Kosher that care about sports:

I recently received an email from Allison at My Quarter-life Crisis recruiting me to write a joint post on our predictions on the 2012 hockey postseason. I did something similar to this last year for the 2011 baseball season with Johnny Sacks from Living With Balls and unapologetically kicked his ass, so hey, why not?

Allison and I became fast friends way back in 2010 when I did a Bloggerstock post for her and I found out that she was a hockey fan, even though this stemmed from the fact that she's Canadian. That's OK, Allison; it's not your fault. I grew up watching hockey and have been a New York Rangers fan pretty much my whole life. Allison and I have regular sports-oriented Facebook chats, so when she came up with this Pulitzer-winning idea I pretty much jumped at the chance. Especially since my team is playing one of her teams in the first round of the playoffs this year, and the Rangers are most definitely going to dominate the Senators. Sorry dude, but it's science.

We'll have our Quarterfinals predictions up today, and once those are over, we'll predict the Semifinals. Once we know who's made it to the final round, we'll predict who's going to win that, and then we'll predict who gets the Stanley Cup (RANGERS!!!!!). 

My picks are in red; Allison's are in blue.

Also, I'm aware that the Quarterfinals have started already, but we were both too lazy to get these to each other on time.  I'm Jewish, and Allison's Canadian, so we both have an excuse. You can also catch this on Allison's blog, whenever she decides to post.

Here are our predictions for the 2012 Stanley Cup Playoffs:



I am a long-suffering sports fan, with my other teams being the Knicks, the Jets and the Mets (it's OK, you can laugh). The Rangers took home the Stanley Cup in 1994, were ALMOST there in 1995, and then sucked hard for the next 16 years. This year we were number one in the NHL and on top of the Eastern Conference for almost the entire season, so we NEED to win the Cup. The team owes it to their loyal fanbase. 

Also, if the Rangers don't win at least the first round, my brother and Coyote Tits, who are both rampant Devils fans, will never let me hear the end of it. 

My brother is constantly texting me all the reasons why the Devils are so much better than the Rangers, and this year he's still all, "Logically, it's still pretty tough to win the Cup. The Rangers have a ways to go." Yeah, well, I know that, assface. The Rangers are in the Atlantic Division, along with the Devils, the Pens and the Stupid Flyers, all of whom made the playoffs this year and are consistently among the top teams in the NHL. (The Islanders are in there too, but they're usually horrible and therefore don't count.) 

The Senators are the eighth seed AND have a 15-year history of choking in the post-season, so this should be a relatively easy win for us. Also Allison likes Ottawa, so it would be pretty awesome if I could lord this over her at least until round two. No one even expected them to make the Playoffs this year, and the Rangers were early Cup favorites. Round One is a lock for us. BAM.

Inline image 3


Sorry Nugs, but I have to stay true to my #2 team. I can't help it, I love Alferdsson. Ottawa is the Capital of Canada - if I picked NYR I'd just be a bad Canadian. This is highly unlikely, but a girl's got to dream.



Dale Hunter is one of the worst coaches in NHL history, so I don't understand how this even happened, to be honest. I mean, Ovechkin is amazing, and Semin (I almost typed "Semen"- shut up, Google dictionary! You don't own me!) should never be overlooked. However, both of the Capitals' starting goaltenders are injured, and the Bruins are last years' returning champs. I really don't think I need to go on here.


I HATE Boston. I'm a Habs fan, and Hab fans hate Boston. Hab fans hate Boston almost as much as they hate The Leafs. Especially Chara. And I like Ovetchkin.


This was the team that surprised me, and probably everybody, the most in the Eastern Conference Finals. Florida hasn't made the playoffs since, what, 1874? Despite the fact the the Devils are the sixth seed and Florida is third, they clearly have the stronger team and the better players. The Devils are entering the post-season on a six-game winning streak, topped off with Kovalchuk's hunger for his first playoff win. This is their series, for sure. 

Plus if the Devils take this one, they will most likely play the Rangers, which means I get to do my victory dance when the Rangers win and my brother cries.


I really don't care much about this series, but I tend to hate teams from places where ice is not naturally occurring.


Despite the fact that my team is in the playoffs, this is the first-round series that I'm looking forward to the most. The Rangers have a pretty fierce rivalry with both of these teams, and I myself harbor an intense abhorrence for all Philly sports teams with a passionate, fiery vengeance that is matched only by my loathing for Justin Bieber and movies about sappy love stories. 

This one is a tough call- both the Pens and the Stupid Flyers are pretty evenly matched and also can't stand each other. When Crosby came back to the Penguins from what could have been a career-ending concussion, Stupid Flyers fans showed their "respect" by booing him. What fucking assholes. As a Rangers fan, I hate the Penguins too, but the kid is arguably one of the greatest players ever to lace up a pair of skates. Have some class, you fucking idiot dicks. Plus their jerseys are REALLY bright orange. They're really obnoxious and they give me a headache.

If I had to pick one team to advance to the Semifinals (and I do, because a) that's what Allison wants and b) that's how this shit works), I would have to predict that the Pens will probably take the series. What it comes down to is that the Stupid Flyers have too many injuries to sustain themselves against Pittsburgh. The loss of Chris Pronger was a major setback, as well as Messzaros and a handful of other key players.

The Pens' active roster is a fucking powerhouse- not only can they boast Crosby, but they also have Evengi Malkin on the ice. If the two most talented players in the NHL aren't enough to throw you off, you might be certifiably insane.

I'm also going with Pittsburgh because I really, REALLY want Philly to lose. I detest them that much. Seriously, I hate them. I want them to get swept and shut out every single game. I know it won't happen, but it would be awesome if it did. 

I must have this.


In the battle of Pennsylvania, the team with the least offending jersey colour must win. Also, Sid is kinda Canada's little golden boy.



While I'm rooting for the Kings to make it all the way through so I can see some Stanley Cup action in LA, I just don't think they have it in them to beat the Canucks, who ended the season in the Number One spot in the league. The Kings spent the entire year just barely holding on to their playoff position and have been hugely inconsistent. Even with Quick in the net and Richards and Kopitar on the ice, Vancouver is more able and has more chemistry overall. If Luongo has some trouble finishing the series (which he tends to do in LA), Schneider should have no problem jumping in and completing it for him. 

Hockey experts seem pretty divided on this one; they're 50/50 on both Vancouver and LA. I'm going to go with the Canucks. It's close, though.

PS- does the name "Kopitar" remind anyone else of Reptar?

Inline image 1




Holy hell, I didn't see this one coming. Ken Hitchcock is the complete opposite of Dale Hunter- as soon as he was named coach, I knew the Blues would be better, I just had no idea they'd be THIS good. I really want to say that the Sharks will make a case for themselves, just because their name is Sharks, and they have a badass logo on their jersey, but their history of chronic underachievement really dictates otherwise. I have no idea how they backed into the playoffs, and they might take one game away from St. Louis.

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I don't care much about this series...I'll go Blues just because.


The key to the Coyotes, like the Blues, lies in their coach. Dave Tippet is considered by many to be one of the best coaches in the NHL, and certainly one of the top in the Western Conference. He's continued throughout the season to make the most of his players, especially goalie Mike Smith. Even with Chicago's dearth of playoff experience, their loss of Jonathan Toews will be sorely felt and whether or not Chicago advances depends on his return. I have to go with Phoenix on this.


The fact that Phoenix is still in Phoenix is enough to make Canadian hockey fans mad. Plus they no longer have The Great One behind the bench. Aside from Patrick Kane, I have no beef with Chicago. Plus Jonathon Toews is hot.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Is he really? 

How did I miss this?


The city of Detroit is really starting to piss me off. At first the Lions were usually a pretty funny joke, and the Tigers didn't exactly give them any bragging rights either. I'm a newly minted basketball fan, so I didn't really care about the Pistons, but now that I root for the Knicks, and the Pistons still suck, I can get down with that. So I could usually let the Motor City have their Red Wings and be done with it. Then the Tigers started winning the AL Central, and the Lions began looking like serious division contenders. It's like, really? Another town that won't fucking shut up? You are NOT what Charlie Sheen calls winning.

Inline image 4

Luckily, this matchup looks like it might not be dependent on intimacy with the postseason. This is going to to be an extremely competitive series, and will definitely come down to seven games, but overall, Nashville's special teams and strength in goaltending will put them over the edge. 


Detroit is one of those teams that you just can't help but respect. They're an institution.

Of course, neither one of us has any credentials, so I'm sure we both just made complete tools of ourselves. Luckily we're not playing for money or free candy or anything like that, just dignity and self-respect, and luckily I don't have any of that left to give away. Check back soon for our Semifinals predictions, and feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

And... DIE.

For the three of you that may not know, I kind of, sort of, may be into a few Radiohead tracks.

OK, I can't pull that one off. My obsession with Radiohead, according to my family and most of my friends, borders on "mentally insane." I've been dying to see them live and almost went into a depression when Coachella and their live tour sold out this year before I could purchase a ticket. I own all of their albums, singles, live tracks and B-sides. I've threatened to end friendships with people who either "don't like" them or "don't get their appeal" (no one ever took this seriously, FYI). As soon as my bank statement prints out actual numbers and not "HAHAHAHAHA!" in huge block letters, this is the tattoo I'm going to get:

Without the band name, though, because any guy who knows what
 this is is automatically my future first husband.
Yesterday I got a call from my boss, who has now been elevated to "One of the Most Absolute Exceptional, UnPrecedented People Ever on This Planet and Any Other Solar Systems Ever Discovered in the Future", informing me that he had an extra seat to the Thom Yorke extravaganza in Santa Barbara this Thursday, and of course he knew that I would shrivel up and probably shoot myself if he didn't take me, so the ticket was mine.

Me: .......

I honestly think I blacked out for a good thirty seconds. The protocol for the night was explained to me, in theory, but really, at that point, I could only hear syllables and noises. After I got off the phone with him, I dialed the numbers and hit up the Facebook pages of pretty much everyone I'd ever met since the age of ten, whose reactions ranged from underwhelmed to indifferent to "Oh, that's awesome...for you!"

I can already foresee that this is going to be the most unparalleled day of my entire existence, comparable only to maybe when I give birth to my first child or something monumental like that. I mean, he only has one extra ticket, so I don't get to bring a friend or anything and I have to go with his family, but that's cool. I would attend this show with a bunch of drug-dealing serial killers, as long as they waited until after the concert was over to murder me. Plus my boss' fiancee and brother are awesome and pretty close to my age, so hitting up Santa Barbara with them will probably be pretty fun, if they can find it within themselves not to attack me mercilessly for becoming completely unhinged.

I will definitely, positively cry during this show, especially if they play Karma Police, which is my absolute favorite song of all time from any artist, ever.

And not just one or two rolling tears, either; I'm talking full-on, toddler-like, sobbing tantrums that will disable me from looking at anyone in that car ride home in the face ever again. This is the two-hour period I've been waiting for my entire life. I'm not even sure if I'll get anything from that night on video and/or camera; I may be frozen in place. Seeing Radiohead live for me would have been like Charles Manson not only getting out on parole, but also having the judge say, "Listen, Chuck, go nuts. Kill some people while you're at it. Have fun! Peace out."

(PS- Blogger threw up those little red lines under the words "Thom Yorke," like they weren't in the dictionary. What? How is this even possible? This angers me.)

Anyway, I'll report back afterward, if I don't have a heart attack from my massive delirium first. I hope I don't; I'm also supposed to see Cabin in the Woods this weekend. That movie looks SO GOOD; I want to buy it a luxury hotel suite where I can get it massively wasted and impregnate it with a millionty babies.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

All Tagged Up (Ye-Yeah)

Apparently while I was gone I was tagged by a couple of the Nip Clique girls in two separate memes. Hey, don't blame me; I was busy neglecting my blogging responsibilities and being all corporate and shit. I'm finally getting around to it now so my friends don't hate me forever. At least not for that.

Anyway, the first one comes from Harley at 1, b, Platypus, and the only reason I realized I should address this one first is because there are dates on everyone's posts. (I know, I know. I'm still getting guilt trips from everyone about my eight-month absence, but I only have so many booby shots to go around)

The second one is from Lor at Late to the Party. It's essentially the same, only the number of questions/tags is higher. Harley's has four for each step, and Lor's has 11. So I'll combine them both, and do seven for each. Yay for math skillz!

Here are the rules, and I WILL do all of them because Jewish guilt is a motherfucker:

  1. Put the rules of this Tag on your blog.
  2. Everyone tagged should tell 7 things about themselves, answer the 7 questions asked by the person who tagged you, tag 7 other people and ask them 7 different questions.
  3. Let the people whom you tagged know you've done so.
  4. Don't tag anyone who's been tagged before.
  5. Really do tag 7 others, and don't go all "if you want to, take this tag".

OK, so Part One is done, and I didn't even have to do any work! Sweet. 

Part Two:

Seven Things About Me:

1) I 've had the same stuffed dog since I was a baby, so, pretty much my entire life. His name is Dave, and he goes everywhere with me. Literally. I mean, not literally- I don't take him out with my friends or anything, but I do bring him when I travel or go to my parent's houses and stuff like that. He was also a member of Sara's Virtual Wedding party. If my house were on fire, he's the first thing I would grab.

Oh, I lied- I did take him out a few times. He's been a real hit with the ladies; not so much with the dudes.

Dave LOVES carbs. Just like his mom.
He also sleeps with me, which means he's seen some incriminating stuff that he is WAY too young for. I'm sorry, Dave. <3

B) I was once asked how many action figures/robots I have in my collection. At the risk of losing my street cred, I counted, and came up with 16. If you'd like a full list, just ask. I am neither embarrassed nor ashamed. I also own a pretty impressive jumbo shark. 

He was actually named by Harley: TONY SHARK,
for the Marvel Comics character; or, if you wish, Robert Downey, Jr.
BABY LEMUR) One of my life's goals was to see Austin, TX; Chicago, IL and New Orleans, LA before I hit thirty. I accomplished that (!), most with the help of Nip Cliquers Sara and Lily.

DD) I kick ass at blackjack. Really, I am THAT good.

FAST FIVE) I had a pet frog as a kid. He was supposed to live for a month, and he lasted a year. I wish I had pics of him, but I don't. Sad.

SIX IS "SEX" IN NEW ZEALAND COUNTING) You know, I think I'll make that my fact. I'm running out of ideas.

AND UH, 7) I am terrified of bugs. All bugs; doesn't matter how big or what color. A few weeks ago there was one in my shower. I think it was a cockroach, just hanging out under my bathmat, waiting for me like a little evil Nazi. I kept going in there and checking on it but it was still alive. What if it was a girl bug, and it grew and gave birth to little bugs? Finally I turned the shower on and it drowned, and I killed it and it died. That's when I knew it was a boy bug, because it shriveled up and collapsed when it saw me naked, but no matter. IT WAS DEAD! 

I was so happy! I was a superhero!!!! I called all my friends and even my parents but they were all underwhelmed. Fascists. 

I swear this is what it was doing.

Seven questions I'm answering out of obligation, taken from both Harley and Lor:

1) What would you like your last meal to be? You can have as many courses as you like.
This is an easy one- since this is my very last meal, and carbs and/or fat content don't matter, I would call my mom and have her come over and cook for me. Then she would make me her Macaroni Casserole, which is an amazing pasta dish she's been making for me since I was a kid, and her mashed potatoes, which I've been trying but failing to replicate since I learned how to turn on a stove. I won't provide recipes here, since no one can duplicate them anyway.

2) And, keeping with the theme, what food will definitely be served in hell?
PICKLES. No question.

I remember when my family and I all used to go out to dinner and my brother used to put his pickles on my plate because he thought it was SO hilarious because I hate them THAT much. Pickles are so awful. They are the spawn of Satan. It's like, if puppies rode golf carts in Hell pickles would be the gas that drove said golf carts.

OK, that made no sense. But you know what I mean.

3) If you could travel back in time, what time would you visit?
I would find out the exact day and time that Justin Bieber's parents met, down to the second, and stop that travesty from ever occurring so he would never be born.

No, wait- I would prevent his grandparents from ever crossing paths, just to be safe. 

4) If you could make one book/movie character real, and bring them into your life, who would it be?
This is tougher. There are so many books and movies that I love. Obviously any Ryan Gosling character, but only if he showed up at my door with no pants on.

Do comic books count? Because the apparent answer here would be Superman. I just hope his "faster than a speeding bullet" deal doesn't apply to ALL aspects of life, if you get what I'm sayin.

5) What keeps you awake at night?
My neighbors, having house parties at 1:00am. Really dudes, some of us DO work.

6) You can only watch one TV show for the rest of your lives. Which do you choose?
Game of Thrones. That show has so much badass in it I don't even know where to start.

And finally...

7) Dean Cain and I are going to grant you whatever super power you want. What do you choose?
This is where I again point out the fact that I am already a superhero.

OK, no, but Sara really wants me to talk about the time when we were in NOLA and some crazy-ass psycho bitch totally tried to follow us back to our hotel and I was all, ASPHINCTER SAYS WHAT? and she got scared of me and ran away. I totally saved our lives, yo. What is that bug from my bathroom doing now? That's what I thought.

Also Nicole drew this picture of me like, a year and a half ago:

That's Nicole being awesome in the background.
Nicole lives in Paris now, which is like, twelve hours ahead of me or something. So clearly, she can predict the future and knows what's up.

Seven Not-So-Innocent Victims I'm Tagging:

Jorge @ Every -ist and Every -ism (he named this post, BTW. You're welcome, all)
Booya Bobby @ BooyaBobby

And here are your questions:

1) If you could only listen to one band or artist for the rest of your life, who would it be? (This may sound unoriginal or boring, but all of you probably know that I would give up all of my intact organs for a chance to see Radiohead live, so this question is extremely important to me. I have ended friendships over this.)

2) Who is the most vile celebrity on the planet right now? (No points for Bieber, because that's pretty evident) 

3) What was/is your college major? Would you have picked it again if you had the chance?

4) What's the most unintentionally hilarious movie you saw in the last five years?

5) Pork: Noun or verb?

6) Pick a type of chocolate to eat forever. (I bet you wish I'd tagged you back, don't you Lor?)

7) When was the last time you really had your heart broken? (It doesn't have to be relationship-wise. Like, this JUST happened to me when my brother told me that he'd cleared out his garage and all my stuff, that they'd been keeping in storage, was gone.)

Have fun! And if any of you I didn't tag want to answer these questions in the comments, feel free.