Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Rock You Like A... Sorry About That. Won't Happen Again.

I'm going to forego my usual Halloween post this year. I'll write stuff next week, when I can report on parties and debauchery, but there's a lot more serious shit happening right now.

Last night a state of disaster was declared in New York and New Jersey due to the massive pummeling the country faced from Hurricane Sandy. I was originally supposed to move back to Brooklyn this weekend, just in time for my favorite holiday, but the impending storm loomed so my family, who does in fact love me, preferred that I hold off on my decision. The hurricane blew through 14 different states, tropical venues and parts of the East Coast of Canada, so she's officially since been adopted by the Kardashians.

Kim Kardashian: East coast in 15 mins is our fun Kardashian Special called Dishing it out! Tune into E! All of our footage that was too crazy to air!
This is an actual tweet from Kim Kardashian during the hurricane. 'Merica.

At the time of this post, there was a death toll of almost 40 with 18 of those in New York. 8 million people were left without power, possibly for weeks. People have lost their homes. Parts of Connecticut, New Jersey, Manhattan and Brooklyn are completely underwater. Hospitals and airports are flooded and public transportation is suspended until further notice. This storm may have caused more damage than 2011's Hurricane Irene and, some are speculating, may have been worse than Hurricane Katrina. They should have named this storm Hurricane A-Rod, because then it wouldn't have hit anything.

I'm currently still in LA, so I wasn't susceptible to any of the catastrophe that occurred. I was at my dad's all day yesterday, and in between phone calls from my brothers, we spent the day glued to CNN and MSNBC. A few times, the cameras cut to some idiots cavorting through the rain puddles like they were in summer camp. I refer to these douchebags as "natural selection."

I am still, of course, a New Yorker, and 90% of the people I love and care about were affected in some way by Hurricane Olivia Newton-John. We definitely should have seen this coming, as she does like to get physical. (If you were into that joke, it was all me. If you weren't, I shamelessly stole it from Lily.)

My brothers in Brooklyn were extremely lucky and didn't even lose power. My family on the Upper East Side and Queens barely experienced any casualties, either. One of my girls in Tribeca had her apartment flooded, but has somewhere to stay until her building is fixed. A few of my friends scattered along the East Coast just got a bunch of rain and a whole lot of wind. Kitty had a major scare when she couldn't reach her parents for a few hours, but that was assuaged fairly quickly. Everyone I know was extremely fortunate, so I can go back to making fun of Philadelphia and New Jersey, which is awesome, because that's like 1/4 of my arsenal. If this wasn't our punishment for giving fame and money to those worthless degenerates from Jersey Shore, I don't know what is.

For all of those I couldn't reach via cell yesterday, I got frequent Facebook updates from the rest of them. I'm "friends" with this one girl who's a model, and I know that you're all thinking, "right, middle-class escort," but she's actually been featured on some obscure magazine covers, done a few Fashion Weeks, appeared as a walk-on in some horrible sitcoms, etc. I've been considering putting her on hide because every single one of her status updates is either a shameless self-promo or a ludicrous proclamation about how God made it so that she could book some stupid gig. God must be pretty superficial, then. Yesterday she posted a status about how because of Hurricane Sandy, she was forced to cancel her flight to LA and therefore miss two "high-profile" red carpet events.

Wow, my heart fucking bleeds for you. Your life totally sucks. You definitely have worse luck than my family, who may not have heat, light and refrigeration for weeks. Or how about my friends, who have no way to get to their jobs and are already living paycheck to paycheck? And of course you are way worse off than those who have lost their place of residence, or are critically injured, or I don't know, have died? But yeah, let's focus on your fucking "red-carpet event." That's majorly important. Almost as bad as when you lost your phone last year and it was the "worst September 11th ever!" Every time this chick refers to herself as a "New Yorker" (with a hashtag!!!) I want to punch her in the vag, especially because she's lived there for like six months.

At any rate, if you live in the tri-state area and want to donate your time and efforts, I've included some lists of places to get you started. If you're not located near any of these, click on the links to find ways to make a difference anyway.  Stay safe, everybody.

The Classics
Smaller Non-Profits
For Your Pets
New York Cares (my personal favorite)

And, just because I should:

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Power Play- MLB 2012 World Series Edition

First of all, I would like to address the redundancy of this post title- I'm going to assume that you're not all idiots and can probably figure out that if "World Series" is in there, the "MLB" part is probably a given. However, in keeping with a) my structural theme and b) my insistency on being perpetually and annoyingly organized (one might say "anal"), the name stays. Sorry (not really).

Two- if you go back and read all my baseball posts, you'll notice that I talk a lot about the contest that I have every year with my family. I'm too lazy to explain it again, so click this handy link. This year, for the first time, I got annihilated by both my dad and my brother, culminating in a season that saw neither of my World Series predictions (the Phillies and the Rays) even making the playoffs. While I can't say I'm too broken up about Philadelphia (AHAHAHAHAHAHA you guys suck), I was really pulling for Tampa Bay. Not only do they show a lot of promise per year, but that would also have meant that they triumphed over the Yankees.

Speaking of the Yankees, how great was that sweep of the ALCS? As stupid as it was to bench one of the highest-paid, top-ranked players in professional baseball, I do believe that the Yankees are ready to make some changes that don't include the purchase of more 19-year-olds. (Of course, there's that too.) With A-Rod getting older, and Jeter hitting retirement age, I'm forecasting now that the Yankees go after David Wright, who's coming up on his walk year with the Mets but will most likely choose to stay in New York, where the Yankees will pay him a shit-ton more than the Mets ever could (or would). He's also turning thirty in December and no doubt wants a ring, and let's be honest- while the Mets are my team until I die, and I love them, there's no way in Gnesa dance party hell that that's happening in my grandchildren's lifetime.


Jeter is 38, and after he retires, the Yankees are going to need a new face for the franchise and a new spokesman for the team. It can't be A-Rod, as he's not well-liked with the media or the general public. The only issue the Yankees may have is finding someone to take over A-Rod's ridiculous salary, since they can't have two guys at third base, so it'll be interesting to see how they work around that.

A while ago, Mets fans may have rioted at the thought of losing Wright, especially to a team as reviled as the Yankees, but at this point, we're all so disgusted that we really don't care. Of course, with a loss as big as this, we kind of don't have anybody left at the bat, so they as well put me on the field and call it a day. As for the rest of the Yankees, I'm anxious to find out if their piss-poor ALCS performance is indicative of a downward spiral, due to their aging lifers and an injury to their longtime captain. Can you imagine if the Yankees started sucking profusely? That would be so amazing.

Now that the Yankees are completely out of it, and therefore stripped of all that remains of their dignity, it's time to focus on the teams that remain to battle it out for the 2012 MLB title- the Detroit Tigers and the San Francisco Giants.

When you peruse through the team rosters for both World Series contenders, both the Tigers and the Giants are extremely intimidating. Justin Verlander is arguably the best pitcher in baseball, winning the 2011 Cy Young and holding a Triple Crown with an absolutely retarded ERA of 2.4. The Giants face Verlander at least twice, possibly three times if the Series goes to seven games. Also on the mound for Detroit is Max Scherzer, who finished second in the AL among strikeout hitters this year only to Verlander.

Behind the bat for the Tigers is 3B Miguel Cabrera, who hit .330 this season and earned the AL Triple Crown in batting. He also stands 6'4 and weighs in at 240. That's one large dude.

They also have a pitcher named Coke. That's pretty funny.

You also can't count out the San Francisco Giants. On the mound are Tim Lincecum, Madison Bumgarner, Ryan Vogelsong and Matt Cain. Lincecum took home a Cy Young in both 2008 and 2009 and led the Giants to their first Championship in 2010. His ERA in this year's NLDS was .59.

Madison Bumgarner, who at 6'5 and 225 is like two of me, had a 1.93 ERA over his last nine starts in 2011. Also in 2011, Ryan Vogelsong was the NL leader in ERA with a 2.02. This year, at the all-star break, Vogelsong also had the lowest ERA. He's also mastered five types of pitches, including three different kinds of fastballs.

Matt Cain, the highest paid RHP in the league, is a three-time All-Star and threw the 22nd perfect game in history in June. In 2011 he had a WHIP of 1.08 (walks + hits divided by innings pitched). Cain was chosen as the starter in the 2012 MLB All-Star Game.

The Giants also boast some astoundingly unnerving players on the field. Catcher Buster Posey, despite having a terrible name and the appearance of a fourteen-year-old, is a 2010 Rookie of the Year and 2012 All-Star that led the league in batting with an average of .336. He is the first catcher to accomplish this since 1942, and only the second Giant since Barry Bonds. In 2012 his average against left-handed pitching was .433. I didn't even know that was possible, but there it is.

3B Pablo Sandoval is a two-time consecutive All-Star (2012 and 2011) who hit .315 in 2011. He had 23 homeruns and 70 RBI's.

2B Marco Scutaro used to be on the Mets, where he batted .336 and was actually impressive. Then of course, they got rid of him, because hey, it's the Mets, and that's what they do. Now he's on the Giants, batted fucking .500 in the post-season, was named MVP of the 2012 NLDS and could potentially win the World Series. CF Angel Pagan was also acquired from the Mets, and went straight to the Giants from there. He now holds San Fran's home record for hitting streak, currently at 28, and finished the regular season as the National League leader in triples because of course.

Not for nothing, but Cardinal Carlos Beltran is also a former Met, and now he's really good. I hate you, Wilpons. So, so much.

The one downfall for the Giants could be Hunter Pence, who will basically swing at anything. He's like my legs when I was in college.

At any rate, both of these teams have more than their fair shot at the title, although while watching the Championship series with my family, I remarked that whoever comes out ahead in the National League- the Giants or the Cards- would probably win the entire thing. Here's my logic:

Both teams are recent World Series champs- San Fran in 2010 and St. Louis just last year- so both have fresh victories to contend with. Detroit, while a formidable opponent for both, celebrated a World Series win in 1984 but haven't won the pennant in six years. While that might not seem like a lot, keep in mind that now that the Giants have emerged as the winners, Detroit has to go up against the 2010 World Series Champions. If the Cards had won the NLCS, it would have been a repeat of the 2006 Series, with St. Louis coming out as the victors and the Tigers falling short.

The Tigers got hot after the all-star break, clinching the division after winning against Kansas City on October 1st. After defeating Oakland in the ALDS, the Tigers advanced to completely shut down the Yankees in the Championship Series. However, I'm not completely sold on this- the Yankees, while they are still the Yankees, are old and on a decline. Yankees manager Joe Girardi had also made the decision to bench A-Rod due to his poor post-season performance, and in Game 1, Jeter suffered a critical injury when he fractured his ankle and had to sit out the entire rest of the post-season. Therefore the team had to carry on without their captain and one of their most-high-profile players, which no doubt called their morale into question and affected their skills. The Yankees clearly performed way under their normal level. Maybe they still would have lost, but not in that naked-covered in vomit-spit in your face way that they did.

Now Detroit is left to face a team with slightly more playoff experience and a more (and very) recent win. Pitching does usually trump hitting, especially in the postseason, but the Giants have a stronger number of men on the field than the Tigers. Either way, this is definitely going to at least six games.

I'm not particularly rooting for either team, but I will say this: it would be cool to see a team that didn't just win take home the title. Also Detroit snuffed the Yankees and my dad predicted that the Tigers would get everything this year. So there's that.

How about you guys? What do you think? Who do you want to see win (except you, Alexandra- and no gloating), and did this season turn out the way you predicted?

The first game of the 2012 World Series airs tomorrow night at 8pm EST/5pm PST on FOX. You can find the entire schedule here.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Hot Fuzz

About a week ago I saw a commercial for the HP Envy Ultrabook. The product didn't impress me all that much (everyone knows that I'm a total whore for Apple), but the song used in the ad left a lasting impression. Unfortunately I couldn't get my Shazam up fast enough, so I was stuck looking for it online.

I had no idea how to accomplish this- I didn't know the name of the song, and I also had no clue who the fuck the artist was. So I texted Rio from Good Music, Bad Math and asked him to give me the name of a site that would point me in the right direction. He sent me to Yahoo! Answers and told me that not only would someone probably be able to assist me with my query, but it was also a goldmine of stupidity when it came to the postings on that site. The categories on Yahoo! Answers cover basically everything, ranging from Sports, Travel, Entertainment & Music, Food & Drink, Business & Finance, Politics & Government, and my personal favorites, Pregnancy & Parenting and Science & Mathematics. The level of idiot that I found while perusing through the questions on there was absolutely mind blowing. I think I must have forwarded Rio like eleven of them before he started totally ignoring me.

The greatest request I found on Yahoo! Answers, and possibly in the history of the American education system, was this one. I didn't even believe it myself after staring at it for a solid two-three minutes so I screen-capped it so you all could confirm that it is, in fact, real:


I don't know who wrote this but I think they are actually 100% serious. I wonder if they know Amanda Bieber. Also if you Google this, it has its own category (type in "yahoo answers walk on sun").

Since this is apparently for a "seasns" test (I'm guessing "science," but it's been a while since I was in school so maybe this is a new subject that I don't know about), I'm actually going to help this person out and let them know why walking on the sun is an impossibility, unless you are Smash Mouth, and no one cares about them.

1) The sun is super far away, like at least 100 miles, so driving there is kind of a pain in the ass. Also it's really round, so good luck finding parking. 
B) It's a gigantic ball of gas, so it smells really bad.
ARCTIC FOX) It's hot there all the time. I guess you could go at night though, or in the winter, like a few virtuosos suggested. 
DD) The only food that the sun likes to eat is Raisin Bran, so it's probably a cheap date and doesn't tip well.

What a dick.

If you still can't believe that anyone could actually be this dumb, the link to the original post is here. 'Merica.

BTW, I did find my song. It's "Promises," by London dubstep band Nero, and it is an awesome addition to my gym playlist.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Don't Dream- It's Over

Do any of you ever have really fucked-up dreams?

No, not that kind, although I'm flattered that you all know me so well (also a little nervous, but we can deal with that later). I'm not talking about the ones that take place on a remote island with purple unicorns that bring you chocolate martinis, which are then done in the form of body shots in the company of Ryan Gosling and Alexander Skarsgard. Those are perfectly normal.

What's that you say? You're also extremely fertile?
The ones that I'm thinking about are the ones that you wake up from going, "what the hell was that?"and questioning whether they even happened in the first place. They're like the plot of Vanilla Sky, only thankfully with less vocal stylings from Cameron Diaz.

When I was younger, I used to be really into dream analysis. I believed that every image that passed through my sleep patterns was a metaphor for something that was plaguing me in my waking life. This also extended to colors, numbers, letters, and the like. I had a ton of books on the subject, most notably Sigmund Freud's The Interpretation of Dreams. Then I learned that Freud did enough coke to erupt Mt. Vesuvius, so I was more than likely deluding myself. But anyway.

I am still convinced of this to a point, and still appreciate the enjoyment I get when I sit down to interpret these visuals. Some are fairly easy to figure out, and do have some bearing on my actual reality.

For example, on Wednesday, I had a dream that Coyote Tits was part of the final three, and also the Fan Favorite, on Project Runway. She had designed a collection inspired by her hair, although instead of being "red and angsty," as she put it, her clothes were silver and sparkly. This made total sense to me because we both watch that show, and the season finale was the next day. I had also just spoken to her a few hours ago, as well as put a few touches onto Tits From Last Night, so the fact that she would appear in this way seemed logical.

PS- if you type "Tits From Last Night" into Google, my page is the first term that comes up! I am so proud.

Yeah, I don't have a lot going on.

However, some of the scenarios that formulate in my head are just really fucking bizarre. There's just no other way to describe them. I'll see how much I can recall from this one:

I was sitting at a table in what seemed to be some kind of dinner theater with a friend of my dad's, my brother, Karen Gillan from Doctor Who, and Mandy Moore. After the food came, Mandy and I got on stage, picked up acoustic guitars (neither one of us plays any instruments) and performed a song for the entire audience. The tune in question was an awful piece of crap from the early 90's by Mr. Big. If you have not heard this song, and I suspect that if you are in my age range you either a) have not or b) have blocked it out, it is not good.

If they gave out Razzies for music, this would be a serious contender. BTW, why don't they do that? I say we start a movement. I'll go first.

At any rate, that's all I can nail down, but when I woke up, already fearing for my sanity, I noticed a message on my phone- Mandy had had to check into the hospital for a minor emergency surgery (she's fine now). I call this a startling coincidence; however, Coyote Tits was not shocked in the least.

When I called Mandy's boyfriend later to see how she was doing, I almost mentioned my weird dream but he already swears that we're lesbians so I decided against it. My mom thinks it's adorable that we now have a "love song," regardless of the fact that if you're brave enough to listen to the lyrics the girl it's about is kind of a desperate whore.

Maybe there is some meaning behind the speculations I concoct in my sleep. Either that, or I have uncanny psychic abilities (probably not) or I'm certifiably insane (most likely). What are some of the strangest dreams you guys have had? Do you think they have any significance? Also, Taylor Swift would totally win all the Music Razzies, right? She definitely has crazy face.

Friday, October 05, 2012

Power Play: MLB 2012 Postseason Edition

Every year, my family bets on which Major League Baseball team will be the best in every division, win the pennant and ultimately dominate the Fall Classic. If we're feeling really ambitious, we add special categories such as Most and Least Improved, and we also try to guess who will be awarded the Cy Young and MVP. I usually school everyone, but my brother recently joined in so my track record's been slipping the past few years. We claim that this is all just for fun, but I never learned the true meaning of that word so the loser's self-respect and dignity is usually at stake.

Last season I propositioned my friend Johnny Sacks, the creator of Living With Balls, to get in on this with me as well, and I'm ecstatic to report that he got his ass kicked. You can read the full post here.

This year I've been less inclined to watch as many games, as my Mets are fucking humiliating and therefore I know that they're not coming anywhere close to relevancy. Lily likes to make fun of me, but seriously, Lily? You're a Cubs fan and are obviously just bitter and hateful.

Chicago Cubs Official Site. This is just sad.

I'll put up a more detailed post this weekend predicting my winners and losers for the entire postseason, but here's something I thought of first, just for fun, letting you all know which teams are acceptable to root for. Thanks to Alexandra, the only entity associated with Philadelphia that doesn't make me want to dry heave, for putting up the article that inspired me to write this.

I'm a Mets fan. Fuck those guys.


I'm pulling for Baltimore for a few specific reasons:

1) They almost, almost managed to steal the AL East from the Yankees, until of course Jeter and Co. managed to wrestle it back. Whether they accomplished this through a hefty payment plan or sexual favors remains to be seen.

B) This is the first time the O's have achieved anything of this magnitude in almost thirty years. Who knows when this will happen again? Plus if Baltimore winds up playing DC in the Fall Classic I might get to think of a cool name for the Series. Any ideas?




The only real beef I have with the Reds is that I didn't pick them to make the postseason this year (I narrowly went with Milwaukee for the second Wild Card), and then they did. So I feel kind of like I got the shaft, and not in a sexy way. Other than that, though, I have no issues with rooting for them.


This one was kind of a lock, wasn't it? I would have to say that I'm down with cheering for this team. I love their manager, Jim Leyland, who's like a hundred years old, and with the Lions cratering after a promising 2011-12 season, Detroit could use a boost in morale.


Supporting the Yankees makes you a horrible, soulless minion of Satan that also probably listens to Justin Bieber. This is never OK. Go to jail.


The one year I don't go with the A's for "Most Improved," and they finally make the playoffs. Just out of spite, I'm going to go with NO. I hope they fail.


San Fran won the title two years ago, so it would be nice to see someone else get a crack at this. Other than that, I have nothing against them.


The Cards are matched up against Atlanta for the Wild Card as I type this, so I'm rooting for them. Because seriously, FUCK THOSE GUYS.


The Rangers are so good that I feel like they'll have plenty of chances to get to the World Series. You can root for them, but there are so many first-timers on here, or at least teams that haven't had a crack at this since I watched Maleficent turn into the dragon. I much prefer to go hard for Baltimore or Detroit.

Not the Yankees, though. Never, ever the Yankees.


While it is true that the Nats share a division with the Mets, and therefore by all intensive purposes I should hate them, the former Montreal Expos went from supremely sucking to holding the best record in major league baseball. It'll be interesting to see what they can do with this, and honestly, the Mets are so bad that there was really no competition anyway.

I'm going to end this so I can have it up in time for the end of the game, and also so I can find out who you guys are rooting for (Yankees/Braves fans need not apply. Even you, Tits). Check back in a couple of days for my intelligent, researched, thought-provoking analysis of the 2012 MLB postseason, and feel free to leave your choices in the comments below.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

SUCKtober and Other Life Fails

So it's October now, which usually gets me super excited because it's my favorite time of the year. Both my mom's birthday and Halloween are at the end of the month, and everyone that meets me for five seconds knows that I go totally jazz hands for Halloween.

The weather is perfect- that consummate temperature that's just in between cold and hot, with no humidity, so I can bust out my chunky boots and adorable accessories at night but still have free reign to slip on what might be considered "less than subtle" attire during the day (read: I think you know).

October is also the best sports month- football is just heating up, hockey begins and the MLB postseason gets underway. It's also the NBA pre-season, but being a casual Knicks fan I don't care enough about that to actually pay attention.

This year, however, October has pretty much brought on a massive raindown of Epic Fail. While my friends and family back in NYC have been playing up this country-wide heatwave to their full advantage, LA seems to have missed the memo that hi, it's Fall now. For the past month or so Southern California residents have been "enjoying" insane temperatures in the 90's and 100's. I tried to go outside for a run this weekend and as soon as I walked out of my apartment I immediately was like FUCK NO. It was like those scenes in the SyFy Channel movies where the editing is sped up and backwards.

Dear Los Angeles:
Sincerely, Everyone.
This has also been an incredibly depressing year in sports for me. The Mets are absolutely fucking terrible- I mean, terrible to the point that I didn't watch more than five full baseball games on TV. I think they're something like 7,000 games under .500. At least I learned my lesson from last season and didn't put money down on the Sox. R.A. Dickey may win the Cy Young this year, though, so that's a small consolation prize.

The Jets aren't much better, and now with the acquisition of Tim Tebow we get to boast two quarterbacks that can't throw the ball! Awesome! And even though this wasn't technically in October, we're currently the joke of the NFL and most sports programming thanks to this game:

Every time I relive this I die a little.
Note: NBC Sports actually laughed when recapping this.

Which brings me to hockey: I may have taken some comfort in the fact that the Rangers had a shot to go really far this year, but oh wait! Hockey's been canceled. The NHL and the NHL Player's Association failed to reach a monetary agreement and therefore shut down the 2012-2013 season, for now anyway. A lot of the NHL players are dealing with the lockout by playing in Europe, which resulted in new Ranger Rick Nash injuring his shoulder (of course).

I've discussed this with my brother and a few of my Canadian friends, and they all run the gamut from devastated to suicidal. I wonder what people do in Canada when there's no hockey. Chug Molson? Play Rush albums? Moose hunt?

PS- find out here and here, for starters.

As if this weren't enough, I think I remember telling you guys that a couple of months ago, the hard drive on my brand new MacBook crashed. Well, if I didn't, it did. So that happened, and I lost half of my music files, which I've been fighting with Apple to get back for a good two weeks now.

At least my grief has been somewhat assuaged by the fact that it's impossible to cancel Halloween, although I still haven't decided on my costume yet. Ginny and I were discussing this over on her blog yesterday, and so far she has helped me narrow it down to three distinct possibilities:

1) The Uhura costume from Star Trek.

Now while this may seem like a waste of money, you all know me, and what are the odds that I will actually wear this again, frequently, in public, for no other reason than I HAVE A STAR TREK DRESS?

B) A TARDIS dress. BTW, I recently came across a video of Matt Smith citing his love for Breaking Bad and Radiohead. Dude. I'm in.

What is the plural of TARDIS, by the way? TARDI? TARDISes?

BABY MARMOSET) Either Mileena or Kitana from Mortal Kombat. I would do this because I loved the game as a kid, as did most of my friends; however, wearing either one of these would probably require starving myself until the 31st. I'll also be in New York, where it could possibly be pretty cold.

What do you guys think?

Also while you're at it, and if you have the time and aren't worried about the remainder of your sanity, cruise over to the sidebar and check out my newest feature, Tits From Last Night (or just click this handy link). It's not porn (unless you want it to be- oh haaaai), but rather a compilation of some of the most hilarious exchanges between myself and Coyote Tits. Basically what it comes down to is that I'm a demented, inconsiderate asshole and it's a wonder she puts up with me or even that I have any friends at all, but read this anyway. It's kind of funny sometimes.