Drown, Motherfuckers: A Review Of Your New Favorite Movie

Depending on how long you've been following That Ain't Kosher, you're probably aware that I'm obsessed with sharks. In fact, the word "obsessed" probably doesn't even cover it. My enthusiasm for sharks is probably akin to how Ron Burgundy feels about scotch.



Sharks are ridiculously awesome, except for those pussy-ass Nurse Sharks that don't eat people. Every year I host a party for Shark Week, although to be honest that party is usually in my head. When I went to Sea World recently (more on that in an upcoming post) I totally embarrassed Iron Man by making him go through the shark exhibit at least four times that I can remember.

One of the most excellent ways to commemorate sharks (besides Shark Week, of course) is to watch one of the SyFy Channel's Original Movies. A surprising number of them contain the word "shark" in the title, with my personal favorites being Dinoshark, Megashark vs. Giant Octopus, and of course, the greatest moment in cinematic history, Sharktopus. (I also just found out that SyFy has bestowed us all with a movie called Kaw. That isn't even a real word! I love this so much.)

For your viewing pleasure, here is a list of the SyFy Channel Original Movies so you can plan the rest of your life. You're welcome.

Continuing with this storied tradition, SyFy debuted another Original last night with what is probably the second-best title for any film of all time (Sharktopus still wins): Sharknado.

Due to the fact that SyFy films usually premiere on Saturdays, I must believe that television execs have declared The Asylum finally ready for primetime. This is the jackpot, people! Prepare for your minds to be blown.

So apparently, Sharknado was written by some dude named Thunder Levin. THUNDER Levin. Right away this has promise.

I originally assumed that this would be the thinking man's movie of the year; focusing on SharkNATO, a group that handles GovernShark events and keeps oceanic peace. Alas, it did not. Instead, Sharknado centered on a hurricane that swept through Los Angeles, carrying all the sharks in the sea with it. There were sharks  on highways and city streets, in personal pools and IN HOUSES, biting random people and also swallowing them whole. It was amazing.

Perhaps the most exciting part of Sharknado was the cast that it managed to assemble. After begging and pleading with their agents, SyFy was fortunate enough to snag Ian Ziering and Tara Reid as a former couple (IM: "Yeah, right."). To his credit, Ziering, who we all know as the "not hot" dude from 90210, has aged impressively well.

Tara Reid, however, has not.

Yikes.

Also there is no way Tara Reid would have two kids that are like 25. Fail, SyFy Channel.

There was also a scene in the beginning where some Asian guy and some other guy (I couldn't tell where he was from, because his accent kept going away and coming back) were making some kind of deal to trade some shark fins, or something. You may wonder if this scene was important, or if these people would ever be discussed further.

No.

Sharknado is so spectacular because it has all the makings of a consummate SyFy event. It was the perfect way to introduce Iron Man to the wonderful world of SyFy Channel Original Movies, with the heinous overdubbing and ever-changing lighting tones. The green screen was also a standout, especially the scenes in the car. I won't give away any more about that, because if you didn't watch, shame on you. You're obviously allergic to fun.

The characters are all quite appealing, including Tara Reid's boyfriend, who resembled Prince Eric if he drove a windowless van. He shows up, as is typical, for about three minutes looking particularly rapey, gracefully and adroitly recites a Shakesperean sonnet, makes a molesty face and then gets eaten by a shark that's swimming around the house. Then everybody leaves to find 90210's son who everyone totally forgot about until halfway into the movie. Some 22-year-old chick with a shotgun gets mad because 90210 neglected to mention his ex-wife and kids even though they only met like half an hour ago. Stage Five Clinger, perhaps?



Then again, maybe you shouldn't piss off anyone who can shoot a huge gun and pilot a terribly-CGI'd helicopter. Also, speaking of this, one of the most brilliant scenes in Sharknado was when a shark hung off the bottom of the copter and then ate the girl. It was fucking phenomenal, but sadly I couldn't find any videos or screenshots so you'll just have to trust me.

Honorable Mention: Tara Reid utters the now-classic "We're not all gonna fit in here." And the Emmy goes to... Interesting. Challenge accepted.

The part I was really looking forward to finally appeared in the last four minutes. I had been spoiled by the guys over at Uproxx, who perhaps were anticipating Sharknado nearly as much as I had been. This is how they described the scene that pretty much cemented this as the most definitive archetype in cinematic history since Mansquito, which is saying a lot:

IAN ZIERING CUTS HIMSELF OUT OF A SHARK’S STOMACH WITH A CHAINSAW. WITH. A. CHAINSAW. THIS MEANS THAT EITHER (A) IAN ZIERING GETS SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A GREAT WHITE SHARK WHILE HOLDING A CHAINSAW, (B) IAN ZIERING GETS SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A GREAT WHITE SHARK AND FINDS A WORKING CHAINSAW IN ITS STOMACH, OR (C) IAN ZIERING GETS SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A GREAT WHITE SHARK AND THEN SOMEONE FEEDS THE SHARK A CHAINSAW SO HE CAN FREE HIMSELF.

This movie is the equivalent of online dating circa 1996: I fell in love with it before we even met. The only difference is it turned out to be everything I had hoped it would be and more. 

I cannot WAIT for the inevitable sequel. Bearicane? Piranhacano? Damon Lindelof has so far ruined everything he's ever touched but I have to admit that even I would watch this: 

https://twitter.com/ElizabethBanks/status/355512689419759616

In conclusion, I give you this .jpg of one of the final scenes from Sharknado. It sums up everything about the movie and if this doesn't get you, well, I'm shit out of ideas:

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Yesterday at around 3:00pm, there were two explosions in the middle of Boston.

I was in the living room, finishing up some work and answering emails. I had ESPN on in the background, and they had been discussing the impending NFL Draft all day. I was barely paying attention anymore. Suddenly the words "Breaking News" appeared at the bottom of the screen, and the story switched to the Boston Marathon and the two bombs that had gone off.

I'm not sure of the correct words to describe my reaction as I looked up at the TV. I'm not from the city itself, but it's the closest Metro Area to Manhattan, and I've visited multiple times. I went there with my family as a kid, and ever since I met Ginntastic and all her friends, I've made several trips there as a (chronological) adult. I've embarrassed myself at Fenway Park and pronounced all the stops wrong on the T. I've gotten drunk in at least ten different bars and then been molested by Ginny's cat. Boston sports fans are rabid, which is great for me but is also a major fail because they all love the Pats and the Bruins. I have so much respect for Boston, its culture, its people and its history, and yesterday's events hit me hard.

The bombing became ESPN's main story on Monday, probably due to it being sports-related. I remember hearing Ginny talk about this every year- Marathon Monday, a holiday in the Boston area, where everyone basically gets wasted and watches the runners cross the finish line. It's especially fun for her because she works right across the street. As soon as the story splashed across ESPN my first thought was "GINNY." I called her and her phone went to voice mail. Then I sent her a text and when she didn't answer me within five seconds I freaked. Luckily, thirty seconds later, she texted me back to reassure me that she was, in fact, OK, as were the rest of our friends. Ginny was stuck in her office due to closed streets and downed T lines, but she was fine. Maybe this makes me selfish, but that knowledge helped me relax just a little bit. Ginny and the rest of the Nip Clique are such a hugely important part of my life- it's even because of Gin that I started blogging. So you can all blame thank her for that.

Later that night I was on the phone with my brother- ironically, it was also his birthday yesterday- and we were discussing the rash of emotions that we were both experiencing. We were angry, yes, and sad, but my brother brought up an excellent observation: are we still at the point where we as people are shocked when these acts happen? Late night host Craig Ferguson, who usually opens his show with the line "It's a great day for America," chose instead to start the program with this monologue below:


Comedian Patton Oswalt also opted to make a strong statement, posting this on Facebook. Entertainment Weekly... well, they took to Twitter to advertise their new Man of Steel pictures. Not everyone can convey their sympathies in such a moving and poignant manner as one of the top selling magazines in the country.

When 9/11 occurred, I had just started college and my brothers were in high school. My father was in a meeting at the time, and I remember that what was supposed to be a short drive home to his family turned into a 5-hour excursion. Cell phones were down, so we had no idea how to reach him and when or if he was even coming home. My mom came over to sit with us and wait for my dad to walk through the door. I can't recall ever being so elated and relieved to see anybody, before or since.

The 9/ll attacks are the first incident that I really remember affecting myself, my family and my friends the way that they did; being so close in proximity and mentality. I can only imagine what Boston must be going through, especially after the third explosion. They're probably in the mindset that their city is a danger zone, set to go off at any moment.

My brother and I are pretty much in agreement with Craig Ferguson- he is not the only one who is sick of this shit. While a fatality number of three may not seem that high, keep in mind that that number still isn't zero. One of those three was an eight-year-old boy. There were families from Newtown in the VIP section who were no doubt still recovering from their own losses. It disturbs me to think that as a society, we are no longer stunned when these things happen. We know that they're horrible, and we cry, and feel disgusted, and devastated, but we're no longer surprised.

When the shootings in Newtown took place, I was in no shape to provide advice, but I did suggest attempting to go back to normalcy as soon as you were able. Spend time with the people you care about- see a movie, watch TV, work on your blog. I'm also going to say the same for this- do whatever you can to regain some sense of convention. I went for a run this morning, which is a natural occurrence for me in this type of Spring weather. However, it also seemed fitting in light of yesterday's tragedy. The burst of energy mixed with the familiarity of my iPod and the warmth of the sun on my back was just what I needed to lose myself, if only for a couple of hours.

I wish I could say that casualties like this won't ever show themselves again, but I can't, because they will. What I can tell everyone is that it helps to talk about these acts of violence, and to try to understand, and to let out our frustrations. We should also all remember that Boston is one of the most resilient cities in the country- they're not called Massholes for nothing. And have you seen those guys drink?

At any rate, we all need to stay safe and stay strong. Remember that we are better than this, and if all else fails, puppies are still adorable.

POWER PLAY: MLB/FANTASY BASEBALL 2013 EDITION

Every year in late March I remind you guys about the cut-throat competition my family participates in regarding baseball. It started out with just my dad and I for over half a decade, but more and more people started showing up to knock me off my pedestal when I kept destroying him every year. In 2012, I finally lost bad, so this time, I was ready. I spent weeks pouring over ESPN, fantasy predictions and the internet so it wouldn't happen again and I would claim victory. We don't care about money; just dignity, pride and bragging rights, and I need to salvage what little of that I have left.

As usual, I've posted my forecasts for you guys to marvel over and compare/contrast to your own. I'm probably way off base with most of these, but take a gander anyway.

AMERICAN LEAGUE

EAST

TORONTO BLUE JAYS

I'm tempted to go Tampa here but they broke my heart when I picked them to go all the way in 2012 and they failed me by not even making the playoffs. It is true that they have last year's AL Cy Young winner, and also Fernando Rodney, but they have shitty defense and plus, no. I'm still mad at them.

The moves that Toronto's manager John Gibbons made in the off-season could prove to be legendary. The Jays have a dangerous roster that now includes Melky Cabrera, Jose Bautista, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and former Mets ace R.A. Dickey.

Toronto Blue Jays Official 40-Man Roster

I've heard from a lot of analysts that the Jays are their World Series picks- not just for this season, but 2014 as well. 

The Jays are a blockbuster right now, and I would love to see Dickey in the playoffs, because as soon as he won the NL Cy Young, the Mets were the Mets and got rid of him. Of course this happened, because much like Meg Griffin, the Mets are the MLB's "practice team." My dad actually referred to them once as the "New York Megs," and won the Internet for life.

Shut up, Meg.

CENTRAL

DETROIT TIGERS

Again. No one else in the division even comes close.

WEST

LOS ANGELES ANGELS

Their pitching is a little suspect, and pitching trumps hitting, but check out Josh Hamilton, Albert Pujols, Mike Trout and Mark Trumbo on the same team. With that kind of run support, Anaheim is scary and their shifty mound doesn't matter as much. Also don't forget that the one guy they do have as an ace is Jered Weaver, who throws six different pitches, including two kinds of fastballs.

Also- POO HOLES.

WILD CARDS

TAMPA BAY RAYS

OAKLAND A'S

Definitely the Rays, who will fall just short of beating Toronto for the number one spot in the AL East. The second Wild Card position will most likely be go to a team in the West, either Oakland or Texas. In the end I have to say the A's; they made a surprising run last season (the one year I didn't pick them for Most Improved- naturally) and I think they're on a roll.

MOST IMPROVED ODOR (+5 for whoever gets that reference)

TORONTO BLUE JAYS

Obviously.

Don't get greedy, Toronto- the Leafs may finally be winning again and the Jays may be scary for a long time coming, but keep in mind that the Raptors are still embarrassing and probably plan on staying that way.

Also, remember that "Leafs" is terrible grammar.

LEAST DISTANCE TRAVELED

NEW YORK YANKEES

I've literally been waiting my entire baseball-watching existence to write that. Not just because I detest them, but because the Yankees also have a ton of injuries and they're old. They might not even make the playoffs (one can dream); however, they're still the Yankees so they may slide their way (see what I did there?) into one of the Wild Card slots. Either way, they'll definitely have less wins than last season.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

WIL MYERS (OF, TAMPA BAY RAYS)

Despite starting this season in Triple-A, Wil Myers is on a lot of people's tongues (oh haaaai) as a prime candidate for ROTY. The Rays are going to come in just second to the Jays and battle for first in the AL East all season, and a lot of analysts are saying that it's only a matter of time before Myers is called up to the majors and blows us all away.

I should really stop with these metaphors.

MVP

MIGUEL CABRERA (3B, DETROIT TIGERS)

Even if the Tigers don't make the World Series again this year (which is possible), they'll definitely run away with the AL Central. This will more than likely earn last year's Triple Crown winner Cabrera his second consecutive AL MVP. 

CY YOUNG

JUSTIN VERLANDER (SP, DETROIT TIGERS)

Justin Verlander is insane. Last year he was beaten out by a margin for the Cy Young by David Price, but in 2011, he won both that and the AL MVP. Justin Verlander scares the crap out of me, and I don't even play baseball. 

NATIONAL LEAGUE

EAST

WASHINGTON NATIONALS

As a Mets fan, you'd think I would be relieved that the Phillies finally suck balls and that we only have the Braves to worry about, but it looks like the Nationals are actually shaping up to be true playoff contenders. A few analysts even have them pegged as probable World Series winners. 

While some would argue that the Braves are slightly better, what this will come down to is pitching, and Strasburg's masterful starts will make more of a difference than Kimbrel's closing, however lights out that may prove to be. 

That collective dripping sound you just heard was the tears of every single Mets fan. 

CENTRAL

CINCINNATI REDS

Every year, the NL Central always proves to be the most difficult division for me. Consisting of the Reds, the Cardinals, and the Brewers, this is often a close race and all of these teams are usually at least in contention for the postseason. The Pirates are in there, too, and although I see a more promising future for them starting in April, they're never really in the race.

I do like the Brewers- I actually picked them to go pretty far last year- but unfortunately, it seems like they're slipping and may get worse with each passing season. This left it tight between the Cards and the Reds, and in the end, I went with Cincinnati slightly over St. Louis. Last year's NL Central winners should be able to take this again, largely in part to Joey Votto, 2010's MVP, and RP Aroldis Chapman, who throws a fastball at 105 mph. 

The only team I was totally sure had absolutely had no shot in this was the Cubs. AHAHAHAHA. NO.

WEST

LOS ANGELES DODGERS

Most baseball experts are looking to 2012 World Series winners San Francisco, but LA's new ridiculous payroll allowed for some major acquisitions in the off-season. The results of those included the addition of Zack Greinke (my One Guy in Fantasy Baseball!) and Josh Beckett to a starting rotation that already boasts Clayton Kershaw; plus a lineup that brags Carl Crawford, Adrian Gonzalez and Hanley Ramirez, who's hasn't been as stellar lately but is still Hanley Ramirez. Not to mention that I can't be the only one that's already getting tired of the Giants. Let's get someone else in there (that's what she said). 

One may point out that Zack Greinke is starting off the 2013 season with an injured elbow; however, it's been reported that he's "feeling better"and has been pitching sporadically in the preseason. His elbow has been downgraded to an inflammation, and also, it's Zack Greinke, so bite me. He's aa badass.

The Dodgers have always been my second team- they are from Brooklyn, after all. If I can't brag about the Mets (and I really, really can't) I'll gladly take this instead.

WILD CARDS

ATLANTA BRAVES

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS 

This one was difficult. I want to go Atlanta, but the Central is really close also. If I pick those two, that's also saying that San Francisco won't make it. So frustrating.

So, Giants and Braves.

The Giants will be behind the Dodgers by thismuch in the West. With 2012 NL's MVP Buster Posey as their catcher and Pablo Sandoval, Angel Pagan and Marco Scutaro on the field, their line-up is one to pay attention to. As for pitching, their roster includes Tim Lincecum, Madison Bumgarner, Ryan Vogelsong and Matt Cain. 

Yeah, good luck with that.

As for choosing between the Cards and the Braves, that was a bit more of an arduous task. The Cards' pitching is a bit dicey, with Adam Wainwright on the way down and Chris Carpenter coming back from shoulder surgery. However, they still have a lot of exceptional guys on the field- Allen Craig, Carlos Beltran, and Matt Holliday. 

The fact does remain that St. Louis has a lot of injuries, and if Carpenter does pitch, he's almost 40. The Braves not only have Craig Kimbrel as a closer, but Jason Heyward and both Uptons. As much as I enjoy seeing them fail, I have to go with Atlanta. 

Dammit.

MOST IMPROVED ODOR

PITTSBURGH PIRATES

It's going to be their first winning season in a while thanks to Andrew McCutchen, and then this may never happen again: 

They may even be on their way to Manager of the Year. 

LEAST DISTANCE TRAVELED

MIAMI MARLINS

I would say the Mets, but it's probably not even conceivable for them to suck even more. Also, we have Wheeler and D'Arnaud, who may save us from being a complete embarrassment if they're actually called up from the minors. I'm going to say the Marlins, based solely on number of wins.

One may think that the Marlins couldn't possibly be even worse than they already are, but this is entirely untrue. The only player who isn't horrible is Giancarlo Stanton, and he'll probably leave soon, too, because he's too amazing to be on that team. They could win 50 games this year, and that might be out of charity.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

ZACK WHEELER (RHP, NEW YORK METS)

Can I legitimately say someone from the Mets? I really think Zack Wheeler may take this. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I am truly excited about them having an amazing pitcher and just let me have this, goddammit.

If the Mets are smart enough to call him up to the majors, (probably not), I sincerely believe that Wheeler could actually be ROTY. Please? 

FYI- his Wikipedia page states that Wheeler was originally drafted by the Giants in 2009; then brought over to the Mets organization in 2011. So close, Zack. So close. 

PS- I am not the only one that thinks this could happen. Check these out:

http://msn.foxsports.com/fantasy/baseball/story/MLB-2013-rookies-Jurickson-Profar-Wil-Myers-020613

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1290675-predicting-the-top-5-candidates-for-2013-rookie-of-year-for-each-league/page/10

MVP

ANDREW MCCUTCHEN (CF, PITTSBURGH PIRATES)

This kid seemingly came out of nowhere, and he's giving new hope to his entire team. They still have a ways to go (especially sharing a division with the Reds), but it looks like he'll be a large part of their improvement. 

CY YOUNG

STEPHEN STRASBURG (SP, WASHINGTON NATIONALS)

It's tight between Strasburg and and Clayton Kershaw. This actually took me about half an hour to decide between the two of them, and I'm still not totally sure. I think I'm going to have to pick Strasburg, if he can keep his injuries in check. 

And one more nail in the Mets coffin...

MLB

WORLD SERIES

LOS ANGELES ANGELS over LOS ANGELES DODGERS in 6

I've seen a bunch of predictions that the Jays are going to win the World Series. I do believe that they're going to be killer, but I also think people are getting overly excited. It would be awesome if they did go all the way, just because it would be cool to see someone totally new win everything, but let's not forget that they have zero playoff experience and that could hurt them in the postseason.

We should also all realize that no one thinks it's natural that anything from Canada should have a shot at the AMERICAN PASTTIME- the one time Montreal came close to taking everything home we all freaked out and canceled baseball. Now they're the Nationals, and everyone's forgotten they ever existed.

That's why I'm predicting an all Los Angeles World Series. 

It will be an extremely close race between Detroit and LA, but the Angels will trump the Tigers due to a slightly more agile lineup. The Dodgers will make it in as well thanks to the knockout punch of Greinke and Kershaw. The series itself will come down to the Angels' lineup vs. the Dodgers' heavy rotation, and the Angels' power hitting is just more impressive. This will most likely go to six games, though.

Also, to make things more interesting for the three of you that give a shit about sports, I've included my fantasy baseball roster for this season. A couple of years ago I won my league while having the distinction of being the only girl (BURN!); this year that most likely won't be the case. In a league of 12 players, my number came up last, while Iron Man came up 5th (we're in the same league this year, which could lead to horrible fights since we're both super competitive). I'm certainly psyched about a few of my starting pitchers, although most of my closers aren't exactly winning any awards. I decided to be nice and give Stephen Strasburg to my stupid boyfriend because he's in love with him; then he went and stole my catcher. Ass. Also I got stuck with Brian Wilson as a bench player- he's not even active this year- although I do have some solid men on the field, including a few Rookie of the Year possibilities, although IM's got a ton of current and former All-Stars that basically give him bragging rights through 2017. 

I also got Starling Marte, the OF for the Pirates that my brother is really into. I took him in honor of my brother, so I hope the Pirates do well this year.

I'm not about to go too mental over this, though; as in every fantasy league, there are trades, and I've already had one proposed to me that I just might take. I also got my boy Tulo as SS- I draft him first every year. If I don't wind up with him, I throw a horrible tantrum, then I do everything in my power to be sure he makes it onto my roster. 

SO HAPPY TOGETHER

Check out our teams below. Mine are in red; his dick moves are in blue.

C Salvador Perez (KC)                                 Brian McCann (Atl)

1B Allen Craig (StL)                                     Ryan Howard (Phi)

2B Marco Scutaro (SF)                                 Chase Utley (Phi)

3B Aramis Ramirez (Mil)                             David Wright (NYM)

SS Troy Tulowitzki (Col) (!!!!!!!!)               Hanley Ramirez (LAD)

IF Adam Dunn (CWS)                                Mark Teixeira (NYY)

OF Giancarlo Stanton (Mia)                       Ryan Braun (Mil)

OF Jayson Heyward (Atl)                           Matt Holliday (StL)

OF Wil Myers (TB)                                      Nelson Cruz (Tex)

Util Adam Eaton (Ari)                                 Ben Revere (Phi)

Util Starling Marte (Pit)                               Alfonso Soriano (ChC)

BN Torii Hunter (Det)                                 Alexei Ramirez (CWS)

BN Manny Machado (Bal)                          Lance Berkman (Tex)

BN Jhonny Peralta (Det)                             Russell Martin (Pit)

BN Jurickson Profar (Tex)                         Andy Pettitte (NYY)

BN Brian Wilson (formerly of SF)             Edinson Volquez (SD)

SP Zack Greinke (RHP, LAD)                  Stephen Strasburg (RHP, WAS)

SP Matt Harvey (RHP, NYM)                   Yu Darvish (RHP, Tex)

SP C.J. Wilson (LHP, LAA)                      Roy Halladay (RHP, Phi)

SP Josh Beckett ( RHP, LAD)                   Jaime Garcia (LHP, StL)

SP Tyler Skaggs (LHP, Ari)                      Tommy Hanson (RHP, LAA)

RP Fernando Rodney (RHP, TB)             J.J. Putz (RHP, Ari)

RP Grant Balfour (RHP, Oak)                  John Axford (RHP, Mil)

RP Joel Hanrahan (RHP, Bos)                  Greg Holland (RHP, KC)

RP Addison Reed (RHP,CWS)                  Tyler Clippard (RHP, WAS)

The first game of the regular 2013 MLB season is at 8:05 pm, this Sunday, March 31st. The Rangers play the Astros. I'm also aware that it's Easter, but I'm a Jew and my holiday was last week. More importantly, the 31st is also the 3rd season finale of The Walking Dead and the 3rd season premiere of Game of Thrones. What to tune into that night is probably the most difficult decision I've ever had to make, and I would appreciate any advice you guys are willing to give.

Eight-Legged Freak-Out

So the other day, I was on Facebook looking at random shit when I noticed that one of my friends had posted this:



WHAT THE FUCK.

The chances of me ever having the chance to go to Brazil, although it used to sound awesome, are right up there with landing a seven-figure job or getting five minutes alone with Baby Goose without them ending in a restraining order, but still. NO. This is just- no. I'm done. What circle of Hell is this? This is terrible.

Spiders don't stand a chance. Just sayin.

Everybody that knows me is aware that out of everything in life, bugs are the things that I hate the most, except for like, nuclear war and Justin Bieber. Remember this dude? I couldn't sleep for a week and a half after I found it in my bathroom.

Who said that this was OK??????

Spiders are the worst. I've always been petrified of them. Growing up, I used to get my brothers to run in and crush them mercilessly; now I make my boyfriend do it for me. Last week I was about to get in the shower when I noticed a small web in the corner and I swear to God the scream that I let out woke up dogs in the next three towns. Iron Man ran in because he probably thought I fell down or something and I was standing there, terrified, staring at the floor.

Me: There's a spider! In the bathroom.
IM: Where? 
(I point to it. He's probably seen crumbs bigger than that.)
IM: Are you serious?
Me: OH MY GOD KILL IT OH MY GOD.
(He kills it. Kind of.)
Me: OH MY GOD IT RAN AWAY.
IM: It didn't run away. 
Me: It's not in the napkin.
IM: This is retarded. Get in the shower.

Over the course of the day I kept looking all over his apartment for what I now consider my most worthy adversary.



Every time I heard a rustling movement I jumped, just knowing that the spider had come back to take its revenge. It didn't help that Tits kept posting stuff on my Facebook page about murderous insects that put people in comas and shit like that, which she found hilarious but probably scarred me for life. I finally agreed to get into bed, and I lay there, staring at the ceiling. I decided to shake Iron Man awake, and he was less than appreciative. I can't imagine why.

Me: Will you please go find the spider?
IM: It's 3am.
Me: He's waiting for me. He wants my soul.
IM: This is really happening right now.
Me: Please?
IM: Goodnight.
Me: Please?
(At this point he's started ignoring me.)
Me: Please?
Me: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?
IM: Jesus fuck. 
Me: Fine. I'll kill it myself.
(Thirty Minutes Later)
IM: Were you really in the bathroom for half an hour?
Me: ...no.
IM: Did you find it?
Me: ...no.

As of today, that little fucker is still at large, and Iron Man is fully aware that he is dating an insane person (he has actually said, "I'm dating an insane person"). The fact that he has not been bestowed with a medal yet is pretty baffling to me; however, maybe that's what the spider wants. It's probably in the same Legion of Doom as the Two-Headed Snake.

Please still be my friends.

Zero Dark Thirty

I'll bet you've all spent the last month sitting at your laptops, anxiously hitting the reload button until I put up my next post, wondering where I've been. I didn't die; I didn't become a world traveler or get offered a new employment opportunity anywhere remotely in the six figures. No, I'm just really fucking lazy and lack motivation. Sorry, kids.

At any rate, the last month has had some recent developments which, as my duty (haha. "Duty.") as a blogger, I feel I should share with you all. Let's run it down in list form, because I'm pretty sure you're all too busy and/or impatient to sit through an hour's worth of my shit:

1) Let's get the biggest deal out of the way first: as much as I tried to avoid this like Taylor Swift avoids actual talent, I finally turned thirty. Despite a minor freakout, it actually doesn't feel that different from 29, mostly because I'm still giggling at words like "feel."

Despite being knocked down by a heavy case of the "Mutant Cold," I had a relatively nice, low-key birthday in New York City, with a guest appearance from one of my favorite Bloggi, Tabs, who flew in from Canada for the funeral procession. Since I was sick, I couldn't do everything I had anticipated, and I'll be having a do-over this summer. I expect way more of you to be there, so get on that right now.

Hitting thirty also won me the coveted "Last Chance Blogger" Bootleg award over at 20sb, which is interesting because didn't I also win this shit last year? How old do you people think I am? I was also up for "Most Opinionated," but seeing as how Tits and I were both nominated, we probably split the vote and that's why neither of us won.  Oh, well- thank you anyway! It's awesome to know that you guys love me so much that you thought I was ancient even when I wasn't.

(Also, shout-out to Ginny, who was voted "Best 20sb Contributor." I would make an "In My Pants" joke here but I honestly can't think of one right now.)

B) I'm still on the job hunt. At this point I'm basically trying for anything; however, I did apply for a social media job with the New York Rangers that I am absolutely 100% under-qualified for. I managed not to make a complete ass of myself and not send a cover letter that basically stated OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU PICK ME I LOVE THE RANGERS PICK ME PICK ME LKJKFJKHJGSDFJHFJKLKVNFJNCHSZVCJNFKLNDFJFHDVHVBGJFGBGHBF
PS- I want your goalie to impregnate me. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Yeah, so that didn't happen. Probably a genius idea on their part.

THUNDERCAT) The best part of being back in New York is definitely having the chance to reconnect with my friends and family. My brothers housed me for my first two weeks, and despite having the sound effects to NHL 13 permanently lodged in my brain, it was great to hang with them after being physically separated for seven months.

After that, it was time to hit up everyone I hung with in school. I'm still in touch with 90% of them, and within two days I was back with my old crowd. One of them in particular, who has made a brief appearance on this blog as Bri-Winning, was the first one to invite me out, and in doing so introduced me to the guy I'm currently dating.

You did read that right, FYI- the Mayan calendar was probably another year off because I managed to trick some poor dude into keeping me around after conversing with me for more than five minutes. Heretofore dubbed "Iron Man," we've been together a little over a month, and he seems relatively normal. I've already met or know most of his friends and they're all cool as shit, too. Iron Man has yet to see my robot collection or any of my Star Trek memorabilia, so I haven't fucked this up. Yet. There won't be much written about him here, but the relationship will be drawn out over on Snark & Sex, because he doesn't know that one exists.

I'm fucking amazing.

In case you're all wondering, my Iron Man doesn't look at all like RDJ's Iron Man, or I already would have roofied him into marriage.

Please. I'm taken, not dead.

So there it is- my last month, laid out for you (haha. "Laid"). I still need to get to my last Dead Space recap in time for the second half of the season, and I also need to get off my ass and come up with new ideas for my next few posts. So I am still alive, and functional (?), and I will be around more. I promise.

I love you.

PS- we're looking for guest bloggers over at S&S. If you want to share how your met your significant others or what your first date was like, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com. We need you from now until Valentine's Day.

Minority Report

I know I'm late on my Dead Space analysis. My New York move finally came through, so I'm just now settling in. I'll get to it sometime before Season 3.2. Or, before they kill off another minority.

So, yeah, about that: I'm finally a New Yorker again. I'm crashing at my brothers' place in Brooklyn until I figure out exactly where it is I'm going with my life, but hey: at least I'm here. I hadn't even left the terminal at LAX before I updated my Current City on Facebook, to which Penny Lane responded,

I love how you wasted no time changing your city to New York, NY.

Fuckin' A, I did. Peace out, LA.

I did, in fact, manage to find some incredible girlfriends there, which in Los Angeles is more arduous a task than locating a pair of real jugs, and of course all of this happened after I had already booked my flight because the Irony Fairy is real. My last night in LA was spent at my friend's acoustic singer-songwriter performance, where I was serenaded and may or may not have actually cried a little (guess which one). All my girls came out to see me off and Kitty knitted me a scarf, which I then slept in because we're practically lesbians. Then we all drank some wine and cried a lot, and I got on the plane.

PS- everyone leave comments about how amazing the scarf is, because I want Kitty to go into business with this. Maybe if enough people love it she'll actually listen to me.

The plane ride was relatively uneventful- no Quadrant of Crying Babies (which sounds like it could be the next title in the Song of Ice and Fire series), although there was an old dude snoring behind me for a good three hours. There was an also an unbelievably magnificent guy two rows in front of me- he looked like Baby Goose if he hadn't slept or showered in a week. I wanted to kidnap him and make him read me the dictionary all day. You know, after the dirty stuff. He was no question my future second husband, so of course all I did was stare at the back of his head and leave without saying anything. Dying alone, 100%.

My first weekend in New York has been spent with my family, due to the fact that last night began Chanukkah in the Nugs house. I did have a gift for my brothers, and while they were certainly very appreciative, they felt no Jewish guilt whatsoever in the fact that they got me (and the rest of my family) absolutely jack shit. Whatever, yo. We're all poor. I also sent Ginny's cats a Christmas gift, and apparently, it made them so high that they turned on each other and one kicked the other in the face. You can get a glimpse of all the carnage here. 'Merica.

He's also a little molester. It's true. He grabbed my boob once in my sleep.

Of course, to acknowledge Chanukkah, a major Jewish holiday, I visited the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center because that's an awesome way to ignore my cultural heritage. Holiday season in New York, while freezing my proverbial balls off, is the optimum time to visit the City because it's one of the things that we're famous for- in addition to the Tree, we have the Skating Rink, the Rockettes, the store windows, Macy's- I won't even go on because I've already posted about this, so you can read all about it here. Times Square, on the other hand, doesn't count because no genuine New Yorker gives a fuck about Times Square.

I did, however, receive a couple of gifts to commemorate the holiday. I've been wearing out the aforementioned scarf from Kitty, and I've been really tempted to tell people I made it myself because I've gotten a ton of compliments on it and I have no real discernable talents of my own.

Also, almost as cool, I've been granted the Liebster Award from Christopher at Mixed Drinks & Mixed Feelings! It's been awhile since I've won an award for blogging, so this is pretty great. He also handed this out to my friends (and fellow New Yorkers) Penny Lane and Natalie Paige, so that makes it even better.

Basically, the Liebster Award is given to blogs you think deserve recognition- those with less than 200 followers. You then post 11 random things about yourself, answer 11 questions from the person who gave you the award, make up 11 questions of your own, and bestow the Liebster on 11 unlucky victims of your choosing. So here are my 11 facts:

The one thing about myself that I absolutely hate is my middle name. It totally doesn't fit the rest of my personality and I will never tell anyone what it is. So don't bother asking. Not even with tequila.

I was at the top of my class in first grade. The first time I got a B, I cried.

My first childhood crush was Lion-O from Thundercats. I was four.

I have never broken a bone or sprained anything. This is a total miracle because I'm always tripping over my own feet or falling all over myself.

I have one published piece of writing; it's a poem that's in an eighth-grade textbook.

I have never eaten Nutella. 

The first concert I ever saw was the Bangles. I was really young, probably around three.

My family's heritage is about 70% Russian, yet I've never been there and can't speak the language.

I have no tattoos and no piercings, due to the fact that I am terrified of needles.

I went blond once; for my junior prom. It was not a good look.

My mom makes the best mashed potatoes in the world. Ever. No arguments.

QUESTIONS FROM CHRISTOPHER:

1) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Oh god. This is like Sophie's Choice, only less depressing and horrible. I'll spare you all the analysis of every single superpower of every character in the DC and Marvel universes (univi?) and just go with Genius Billionaire Playgirl Philanthropist.

2) If you had to move away from where you live, where would you like to move?

Um, already done. See: entire post.

3) If you could see any five bands in concert (past or present), who would they be?

Can I pick Radiohead again? Yes, because it's my blog and whatever I say goes. Besides them (another four times): Led Zeppelin, The Black Keys, Beastie Boys and Daft Punk.

4) You get to spend a week with a celebrity of your choice; who is it?

I think we all know this one. If I mention his name one more time I'm going to come up on police reports.

5) You have unlimited funding for a day; what would you do?

First I would give a million dollars each to my friends and immediate family members. Then I would bank a few mil in savings and never touch it again. Then I would invest in a private island with my own litter of adorable puppies, and purchase a jet to take me there whenever I wanted. Then I would fire the owner of the Mets and the Jets because I can do a better job than both of those clowns. Then I would buy the NHL and get the season started again because SERIOUSLY???? COME ON!

Then I would buy Baby Goose. Because why the fuck not?

6) If you could have any restaurant located IN your house, what would it be?

Ray's Pizza. YES.

7) Favorite superhero?

Second childhood crush: Superman. Faster than a speeding bullet, if you get what I'm sayin.

8) What was your very first blog about?

This is my first blog. Winner and still champion.

9) Drink of choice?

Alcoholic? Anything with vodka. Non-alcoholic? Chocolate milk. I'm an eight-year-old.

10) Biggest pet peeve?

People with bad grammar, especially when they mess up their homophones. Ugh, HATE.

11) How many awards have you gotten (blogging or otherwise)?

This brings the Blogging Awards total to eight. I also won some community awards as a kid, but I can't remember them because that was like eleventy billion years ago.

11 POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS:

Allison @ My Quarter-life Crisis

Bobby@ BooyaBobby

Erin@ The Post Modern Talko

Gina @ The Hitchhiker's Guide Through Insanity

(Different) Gina @ This Is Not Your Blog

Ginny@ Ginny in Boston

Jorge @ Every -ist and Every -ism

Lily @ Is It Too Early For a Martini?

Rio @ Good Music, Bad Math

Tabs @ I Am, Therefore I Do

Tits @ Dancing on the Bar of Life

11 OBLIGATORY QUESTIONS: (Meaning please validate me)

1) If you could only eat one kind of chocolate forever, which type of chocolate would it be?

2) If you could have one celebrity for your "Cheat List," who would it be?

3) What is the one habit you have that you really wish you could break? For example, I swear like a sailor on leave and I know how incredibly not attractive it is, but I really can't help it.

4) What is your favorite condiment? (CondimENT. You little perverts.)

5) What's your one vice? (Alcohol, cigarettes, New Jersey...)

6) Who is the family member you're the closest to?

7) Pick one: Pizza, bagels, hot dogs or pretzels?

8) What, in your opinion, is the most quotable movie of all time?

9) I like that favorite superpower question. Let's go with that.

10) Besides Brooklyn (obviously), what is your favorite type of accent?

11) Describe the perfect zombie apocalypse. And make it sexy.

I like that Blogging Awards are once again a Thing, especially because I've been given one. You don't have to do this, but if you don't, I'll be sad, and that does mean more puppy pictures, so it's really your call.

                        I am not above bribery, FYI.

Happy Chanukkah everyone!