Thursday, December 02, 2010


It’s holiday season in New York City, and this is unquestionably my favorite time to be in Manhattan. Despite the fact that it’s usually negative 9,000 degrees outside (except for this year- we’ve been incredibly lucky so far, temperature-wise), I always find myself getting all sentimental and mushy-like. I appreciate this, because it’s proof that I actually do have a soul.

New York City between Thanksgiving and New Year’s is absolutely beautiful. All the famous sights are here- the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade (although I don’t do parades), the tree at Rockefeller Center, the store windows at Macy’s. I don’t even mind the blistering cold- there’s something so poignant about bundling up with family, drinking hot chocolate while snow falls on the ground and the streets are all decorated and god, I’m so lame.

While I love being in New York for all the festivities, I have to admit that being a Jew this time of year sucks copious amounts of balls. It’s the middle of Chanukkah right now and the only acknowledgements we’re getting are a “Happy Hannukah!” on the major TV networks (note: that isn’t even one of the accepted spellings). Even the Park Avenue Menorah Lighting is half-assed- unlike with the Tree Lighting, the only one singing a tribute to my Chanukkah bush is my gynecologist.

Oh, not what you meant? Sorry.
As one of the tribe, I’ve been getting shafted my whole life  (and I’ve also been ignored in favor of Christmas- zing!). It’s really starting to piss me off.

Any permutation of “Chanukkah” or our other holidays aren’t even recognized in Microsoft Word, yet Christmas, Easter and the rest of them are all in there. I got to stay home from school and work on all the Christian holidays, but if I want to take off one of my own? It’s an “excused absence.” Excuse this, mofucker.

Holiday movies are also liable- have you ever turned on the TV in December and seen a film called “A Chanukkah Story,” or “It’s A Nehadar Life?” Hell, no! The closest thing the Jews have to a feel-good film is fucking Schindler’s List. I’d even take a good romp about a Bat Mitzvah killing spree a la Black Christmas.

Have any of you ever realized that Santa is a perv, by the way? He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he sneaks into your house and steals all the cookies. Holy shit, does he watch you in the shower, too? No, thank you.
Plus he only comes once a year, probably when a kid is sitting on his lap.
Anyway, it’s hard to stay cynical with New Year’s (a.k.a. “I Did What???”), my birthday (a.k.a "I Did Who?"), and my BLOGIVERSARY! right around the corner. I have a ton of shit planned for the next couple of months, so try not to wet yourselves with anticipation.

BTW, here’s one of the glorious developments I’ve come up with:

I’m totally jealous of my friends with webcams who were able to participate in the Karaoke Blogroll, so I’m making a blogswap of my own that I can indulge in also, because it’s mine! MINE!


So here’s how it works: Pick a movie that’s so bad that it’s unintentionally hilarious, and review it. You can vlog, you can write, you can do an interpretative dance covered in banana cream, whatever. Just be creative. The sign-up sheet’s going to be completely randomized, just like a real blogroll! Hooray! This month’s topic is horror movies. If you want in, drop me an email at by December 15th.

That’s just a preview of the ingenious takeovers I’ve been building upon for the rest of 2010. You know I’ve got more shit coming up, so stick around for that scintillating winter wonderland.


theTsaritsa said...

I feel like we always had the day off for Jewish holidays in public school, but I could be wrong. We lit two candles last ngiht and will probably have some latkes tonight, so we're celebrating and keeping the spirit alive. It's pretty lame of Microsoft to not recognize the word "Chanukah." They didn't recognize "latke" either.

Allison said...

Sorry for Christmas. If it's any consolation, it's an extremely stressful time of year for me...not to mention expensive.

Oh, and you'll love this...the university I went to had such a high Jewish population that we had both Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah off. Obviously, I did what you probably do on Christian holidays - took them as what I considered to be well-deserved days off.

Mazel Tov!

Christina In Wonderland said...

I always thought it was unfair that Christian douche bag holidays have taken over the world. I mean, we are supposed to be religiously tolerant, but "excused absence". What the deuce? Ergh.

And, also, you should steal a camera or something from a friend in order to record in the karaoke thing. Find a way, chica. Find a way.

And happy Jewish holidays! Happy Chanukah! It is happy, right? :)

Allison said...

In defense of douchy Christian holidays - we're in such a PC world these days that we can't even say "Merry Christmas" anymore without fear of offending. It's all "Season's Greetings" and "Happy Holidays."

I'm not even a believer - but I celebrate Christmas and I shouldn't feel bad about that or guilty.

Sorry...just had to say that :)

Sara said...

I'm pretty sure Santa also stands over you while you're sleeping and masturbates.

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Tsa- Latkes are actually kind of gross. There's a reason all Jew food has the word "ugh" in it.

@Christina- I'm almost tempted to do my own intoxivlog, but I'm afraid you might all be blinded by my beauty. I'll get there eventually!

And yes, it is happy. Except for me, because I'm broke. As hell.

@Allison- You shouldn't feel guilty, according to your university. That's actually pretty awesome. Did you do the chinese food-DVD night like I do on Christmas?

@Nips- You're totally behind the camera, aren't you?

Anna said...

Our first snow yesterday got me ALL kinds of emotional. I love Christmas. I always thought it was odd when people got bent out of shape over it and the notion that they shouldn't have to celebrate a Christian holiday. I'm not Christian (nor am I.... anything). I just really like fir trees, peppermint-flavored things, that Mariah Carey song, and snowmen.

Basically, if food and sparkly things are involved, I can be persuaded to celebrate any religious holiday.

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Anna- I LOVED that I was here for the first snowfall, even if we didn't get anything. I got all bundled up, went to Starbucks (lie: it was McD's), got some hot chocolate, and watched Home Alone with my mom.

Are you sure you're not a Jew? We love sparkly things.