OY! TO THE WORLD

It’s holiday season in New York City, and this is unquestionably my favorite time to be in Manhattan. Despite the fact that it’s usually negative 9,000 degrees outside (except for this year- we’ve been incredibly lucky so far, temperature-wise), I always find myself getting all sentimental and mushy-like. I appreciate this, because it’s proof that I actually do have a soul.

New York City between Thanksgiving and New Year’s is absolutely beautiful. All the famous sights are here- the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade (although I don’t do parades), the tree at Rockefeller Center, the store windows at Macy’s. I don’t even mind the blistering cold- there’s something so poignant about bundling up with family, drinking hot chocolate while snow falls on the ground and the streets are all decorated and god, I’m so lame.

While I love being in New York for all the festivities, I have to admit that being a Jew this time of year sucks copious amounts of balls. It’s the middle of Chanukkah right now and the only acknowledgements we’re getting are a “Happy Hannukah!” on the major TV networks (note: that isn’t even one of the accepted spellings). Even the Park Avenue Menorah Lighting is half-assed- unlike with the Tree Lighting, the only one singing a tribute to my Chanukkah bush is my gynecologist.

Oh, not what you meant? Sorry.

As one of the tribe, I’ve been getting shafted my whole life  (and I’ve also been ignored in favor of Christmas- zing!). It’s really starting to piss me off.

Any permutation of “Chanukkah” or our other holidays aren’t even recognized in Microsoft Word, yet Christmas, Easter and the rest of them are all in there. I got to stay home from school and work on all the Christian holidays, but if I want to take off one of my own? It’s an “excused absence.” Excuse this, mofucker.

Holiday movies are also liable- have you ever turned on the TV in December and seen a film called “A Chanukkah Story,” or “It’s A Nehadar Life?” Hell, no! The closest thing the Jews have to a feel-good film is fucking Schindler’s List. I’d even take a good romp about a Bat Mitzvah killing spree a la Black Christmas.



Have any of you ever realized that Santa is a perv, by the way? He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he sneaks into your house and steals all the cookies. Holy shit, does he watch you in the shower, too? No, thank you.

Plus he only comes once a year, probably when a kid is sitting on his lap.

Anyway, it’s hard to stay cynical with New Year’s (a.k.a. “I Did What???”), my birthday (a.k.a "I Did Who?"), and my BLOGIVERSARY! right around the corner. I have a ton of shit planned for the next couple of months, so try not to wet yourselves with anticipation.

BTW, here’s one of the glorious developments I’ve come up with:

I’m totally jealous of my friends with webcams who were able to participate in the Karaoke Blogroll, so I’m making a blogswap of my own that I can indulge in also, because it’s mine! MINE!

Um.

So here’s how it works: Pick a movie that’s so bad that it’s unintentionally hilarious, and review it. You can vlog, you can write, you can do an interpretative dance covered in banana cream, whatever. Just be creative. The sign-up sheet’s going to be completely randomized, just like a real blogroll! Hooray! This month’s topic is horror movies. If you want in, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by December 15^th.


That’s just a preview of the ingenious takeovers I’ve been building upon for the rest of 2010. You know I’ve got more shit coming up, so stick around for that scintillating winter wonderland.