Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: I Was Saying Boo-Urns)

The NHL postseason is over, and I have to admit to being wrong.

Allison and I have been recapping the Stanley Cup playoffs for you, going through every round and predicting who will advance. We also did this last year, and despite Allison being born and raised in Hockey Country, I won with so many points that even I felt bad for her. This year Allison got the gold star, so we've both been equally humiliated. 

This is a weird feeling, since I'm right about stuff practically all the time. I don't know what to do about this. 

You can see Allison's gloating on her blog, My Quarter-life Crisis.

NUGS' RECAP:

In calling this series, I definitely wanted Chicago to win. Like, really, really badly. I'm pretty positive that everybody hates the Bruins, unless you live in Boston and are therefore a totally obnoxious sports fan by default (except if you're Ginny- love you), but seeing as how they decimated the Rangers in the Semifinals, I was more than ready to see the Bruins go down. 

However, I had to be logical, and I truly believed that the Stupid Boo-urns were the more able team. I did predict a seven game series, and a lot of OT, but I assumed that the Bruins' massive size and physicality would lead them to their second Cup since 2011. 

Last night it seemed as if Boston would take the series into Game Seven- they dominated the Blackhawks and eventually scored. It remained 1-0 until Allison's boyfriend and Chicago captain Jonathan Toews tied it up in the second. 

FYI, Allison: You may want to let Toews in on the fact that you two are, in fact, together. Then again, I'm waiting to let Baby Goose know. It has to be just the right time- you know, after our second child is born.

Yeah...I don't...arms...I'm sorry, what?

Then the third period happened, and Boston scored again, making it 2-1. I breathed a little easier, thinking that I would have at least one more game to consider what sort of present I would request that Allison send me in the mail. Then came the last minute, and the Hawks scored again- twice. Center Dave Bolland's goal sealed the deal for Chicago and the Stanley Cup was theirs, for the second time in four years. I wish the Conn Smythe had been awarded to him instead of Patrick Kane, who admittedly is a fantastic player but sucks ass as a human being.

I am disappointed in my loss, but this does mean public humiliation for the Stupid Boo-urns. So really, I can't be that upset. Also, remember that Allison failed miserably last year, and she's the one that's Canadian. So you could sort of consider this a victory for America Junior, I guess. 

Also, keeping with the theme of "Nugs Looks Like a Dumbass," Iron Man called this series as well, down to the number of games. I should bring him to Vegas. Lily also said that the Hawks would win, but that's probably only because she's from Chicago and loves them. She's a Cubs fan, too, so I never really listen to her.

Because I apparently haven't learned anything from any of this, I'm calling it now: Rangers 2014. In 4.

ALLISON'S RECAP:

This wasn't easy, and there were a lot of doubters, but sticking by Chicago from the start was a wise move for me. Their series against Minnesota was fairly predictable, but the games against Detroit, LA and Boston weren't easy. I had faith in them because I knew they had the talent. I knew that a team can't have the kind of regular season record they did and go down without a fight. They fought hard and they won. I'll admit to having my doubts about them a few times, but I decided to be loyal to my choice and not flip flop. Throughout the playoffs many people questioned the abilities of some of  the players. Jonathan Toews wasn't scoring enough, Corey Crawford had a weak glove-side, blah blah blah. It seemed like the media just didn't want them to win. I found myself wanting to punch Don Cherry last night because of his bias towards Boston. Of course he wanted Boston to win, as a former coach of the organization, but as a sports reporter you need to talk about both teams' strengths and weaknesses. 

Obviously, I would be 100x more excited if the Habs had won the Cup (I would have called in sick today probably), but I've always had a lot of respect for the Blackhawks  - so I don't consider this a bandwagon jump. Leaf fans are, of course, making this victory all about them. As if Chicago beat Boston on their behalf. Newsflash, Chicago doesn't give a shit about your sad first round loss! This isn't about you!

Editor's Note: Agreed. This was clearly all for the Rangers fans.

For those of you who didn't watch last night's game, I'll give you a quick rundown. So in the first period Boston was all over us - outshooting us and eventually scoring. Cory Crawford played amazingly. With all those shots on net he did an fantastic job keeping it a one-goal game going into the second. 

Toews tied it up in the second and things stabilized for Chicago.

The third period was insane - probably one of the most exciting finals I've seen in a while. Boston came back and scored giving them a 2-1 lead. For most of the third period it seemed that a game 7 was likely,  but then it happened.

With just over a minute left Brian Bickell scored to tie up the game. Overtime seemed to be the most likely scenario. Then it happened again...Bolland scored with less than a minute left on the clock. The Chicago Blackhawks won Lord Stanley's Cup.

Gary Bettman (aka the Devil) presented the cup to Captain Serious (aka my boyfriend)...Jonathan Toews and he kissed the Cup for the second time in his career. But before that Patrick "The Mullet" Kane was awarded the Conn Smythe trophy for MVP of the playoffs. I would have given it to Crawford - but yeah, Kane did get a lot of goals.

POINTS: ALLISON

FINAL POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 9, ALLISON 11

So that sucked. I don't do well with losing. At any rate, congratulations to Allison, and to the Blackhawks for their awesome and well-deserved conquest. Also congratulations to Chicago goalie Corey Crawford for being super hot. How come I never noticed that before?

Uh, hi.

Did you guys watch any of the Finals? Did you care who won? Do you read my sports posts at all? Or do you really want me to go back to posting pictures of SNAKES THAT CAN OPEN FUCKING DOORS?

Yeah. This is a thing.

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: Stanley Cuppage)

Well, this blows.

If you're new here, Allison and I have been recapping the NHL postseason by guessing which teams emerge victorious in all four rounds. To make it interesting (and possibly less humiliating for Allison, who's Canadian and should know this stuff), we've been awarding each other one point for each correct prediction in the Quarter- and Semifinals, two for the Finals and three for the Stanley Cup. Whoever wins has to mail the loser a hockey-related gift. We also did this for 2012 and I forget what the actual score was, but I'm pretty positive that it was something like 20,000 to 2, me.  

This year was looking like it was going to probably be the same outcome- and then the Finals happened. I'll give myself a pass on the Western Conference, because I still maintain that that series could have gone either way (that's what she said). But the East? Where the hell did that come from? Now I'm still in the lead, but Allison is steadily approaching. If I get the Stanley Cup wrong, she receives a shiny new gift.

I'm a Jew- we like getting money, not giving it away.

Here's a recap of the Conference Finals round of the 2013 NHL postseason, where I receive no points. 

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 3:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over PITTSBURGH PENGUINS

Not only did the Stupid Bruins win this round and advance to the Stanley Cup finals, but the one-seed Pens got totally swept. I mean, zero games. At all. I can't even explain this. I have no idea what happened. 

POINT: NEITHER

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS over LOS ANGELES KINGS

To Iron Man's credit, he totally called this one. "Chicago is going to destroy LA. 5 games." Yeah, I look like a jackass. 

POINT: ALLISON

FINALS ROUND POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 9, ALLISON 8

I don't like this. I don't like this one bit.



Now, to add to my incompetency, here are our prognostications for the Stanley Cup Final. You can also read Allison's version on her blog, My Quarter-life Crisis.

I fail at life.

BOSTON BRUINS vs. CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

NUGS: STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over HAWKS in 7

That actually just happened.

I feel like Peter Parker when he discovers his first web-shooters, only much less awesome because what came out of my hands is that the BRUINS WILL WIN THE CUP (technically it was wrists with Spider-Man, not hands, but you get what I mean). 

There are so many reasons why everyone should hate the Bruins, even tiny puppies who love anyone and anything as long as it pets them and feeds them cookies:

1) Patrice Bergeron. Patrice is a girl's name. It has no business belonging to a hockey player. 

B) Team owner Jeremy Jacobs is an asshole. He was the head of the owner's group during the lockout and pretty much the reason why we had a shortened hockey season this year. NHL players can't stand him, either. So to give him the Cup would be like rewarding him for being a selfish billionaire. Well done. 

SNOW LEOPARD) Zdeno Chara is a worthless piece of shit. Observe:

DD) I have nothing against Tuukka Rask in particular, but he's on the Bruins, too. So I'm going to go with "he sucks." Also his name is stupid.

This is one time where I hope that I'm wrong and that Chicago wipes the floor with them and Chara cries. I really want to argue against the Bruins, who barely got out of a Quarterfinal series with the Leafs. (Really??? The Leafs???) They played seven games, including two that went into OT and two that were only decided by one goal. Then came the Semifinals, which we won't get into here in case I have a stroke.

The Finals were up next, against top-seeded Pittsburgh. Everyone put their money on the Crosby-Malkin combination and figured that Boston would get annihilated. Of course that didn't happen, since neither Crosby nor Malkin scored ANY points the entire series and the Pens were swept. One could make the case that the Bruins were just that good during the playoffs, or that both the Rangers and the Penguins played like total shit. I would say that it was probably both. 

In any case, the Bruins are on a high from a strong playoff run, and boast more massive players than Chicago. They're also bigger douchebags (save for the Hawks' Patrick Kane, who is a horrible human being), which makes for a very physical series. This will push Boston past Chicago, just barely, and the series will last seven games. I'm also predicting that at least two will go into overtime.

ALLISON: HAWKS over BRUINS

To sum up Round Three: Huh???

Nugs and I both picked Pittsburgh over Boston because....duh...they were the obvious choice. Little did we know that they would completely fall apart and get beat down in four pitiful games. Shit. Oh well - we both gained nothing from that. We're both losers!

The Chi/LA series also surprised me. I got the result I wanted but I was not that happy with how close some of the games were. Um, you were up 2-0 and you end up tied 3-3 by the end of the third period??? It went into double overtime! Way to give me a heart attack Chicago!

As much as I think Patrick Kane is the scum of the earth, he totally brought his 'A' game this series. Hopefully he keeps scoring against Boston.

I've said all along that if the Habs couldn't pull out a miraculous victory that Chicago would win the Stanley Cup this year. I stand by my original comment for two reasons:

1) The regular season record speaks for itself. They were virtually unstoppable during the shortened season. They are a talented and creative team.

2) Might be a risk, but my only shot at actually winning this bet.

So there they are. Our recaps, forecasts, and my slow descent into dismal failure. The first game was on last night, and Chicago has already won, so I'm looking forward into Allison being able to gleefully rip me apart. 

You can see a full schedule of the 2013 NHL Stanley Cup playoffs here.

Oh, Canada! (Nugs Vs. Allison 2013 Edition: Round 3)

Round 3 of the NHL Playoffs started this Saturday, so of course I didn't post until today (I have an excuse, though- I was on vacation. More on that after the postseason). Allison, of course, got everything in on time, because she doesn't procrastinate like I do. You can see that version on her blog, My Quarter-Life Crisis. 

Here's a recap of the Semifinals so you can witness the demolition of Allison in the points department. It isn't pretty. Unless you're me. 

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 2:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS over OTTAWA SENATORS

Was this really a question? I know Allison is Canadian and everything, but I don't particularly like the Pens either and even I saw this coming (that's what she said). Anderson is an incredible goalie, but even he wound up getting pulled in favor of Pittsburgh's formidable four lines. This was barely a series. 

POINT: ME

STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over MY BLUESHIRTS 

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK. DIE SLOWLY.

POINT: NEITHER

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS over DETROIT REDWINGS

I knew this would go to seven games, but the series itself was thrilling to watch. Chicago won, then Detroit came back to triumph three times in a row. The Hawks, who had been struggling and quite frankly playing beneath themselves, returned to take the last three. It was intense, and Chicago fans were no doubt left with a nail-biting Semifinals. The Hawks, however, came out on top, and Allison and I both gained another point.

POINT: BOTH

LOS ANGELES KINGS over SAN JOSE SHARKS

This was an easy series to call, but it lasted a bit longer than either of us (and possibly anybody) expected. With a sweep of Vancouver and an impressive three wins against LA, the Sharks may be ones to watch next year.

POINT: BOTH

QUARTERFINALS POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 9, ALLISON 6

This does not look good for the Canadian. In our blogs or the NHL. (BURN!)

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 3:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS vs. STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS

NUGS: PENS over BRUINS in 6

Please. Like I would actually pick Boston (and Chara) to win anything. Fail.

Also now I kind of have to secretly go for the Penguins because I just realized that Left Wing James Neal looks uncannily like Iron Man, which I was dumb enough to actually tell him. It's not just me, either- people that know us are also struck by the resemblance. 

I'm still technically anonymous, so I won't post Iron Man's picture here, but I will put in a photo of Neal so you can see my predicament. So now not only is Iron Man's team officially better than mine, and could potentially win the Cup, but he's practically a mirror image of one of the most talented guys on the ice.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

ALLISON: PENS over BRUINS

Funny enough the four teams with the chance to win the Cup have each won it once in the past four seasons. 

Editor's Note: Truth. Pittsburgh, Chicago, Boston and LA have all just earned the Cup in the past four years, in that particular order.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Stanley_Cup_champions

I think Shitsburgh will win - and I say this without any bias. I might hate Boston, but I honestly believe they won't beat the Penguins.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS vs. LOS ANGELES KINGS

NUGS: KINGS over HAWKS in 7

This one was tougher because both of these teams could easily contend for the Cup. Chicago has incredible forwards and are coming off of a President's Trophy win. Both the Kings and the Hawks are pretty evenly matched in their offense and defense, and both of their goalies have a scary postseason GAA (LA's Jonathan Quick has a 1.50; Chicago's Corey Crawford is just under that at 1.70). 

However, the Hawks' struggles against the Wings in the Semifinals have shown that once again, once the playoffs roll around, the regular season means nothing. Quick is looking to extend his status (AHAHAHA. "Extend.") as an elite goaltender with a repeat Cup win, and this will help LA advance to the Cup finals just over Chicago in 7. 

ALLISON: HAWKS over KINGS

Chicago is just a talented team. Yes, they surprisingly stumbled against Detroit, but they pulled it together in the end. The trouble with the Red Wings series was that Detroit was playing like they had nothing to lose and it almost worked in their favour. If Chicago brings out their strong forwards and has tighter goaltending against LA they should win it.

Also, I want to see my NHL boyfriend Jonathan Toews kiss that cup again. If it can't be the Habs, I'd be happy with the President's Trophy winners to get it.

Editor's Note: I'll still take James Neal since I've changed the locks on Lundqvist. Also I just realized that sometimes he looks like Aladdin.

Now it's bothering me.

Since I'm so late on this, the Finals have already began, and I'm well on my way to being completely wrong. Oops. At least I'll have a(nother) excuse to drink. 

Those were our predictions for the Conference Finals of the 2013 NHL postseason. As always, feel free to agree with us in the comments, unless you root for the Bruins. Then you don't count.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Yesterday at around 3:00pm, there were two explosions in the middle of Boston.

I was in the living room, finishing up some work and answering emails. I had ESPN on in the background, and they had been discussing the impending NFL Draft all day. I was barely paying attention anymore. Suddenly the words "Breaking News" appeared at the bottom of the screen, and the story switched to the Boston Marathon and the two bombs that had gone off.

I'm not sure of the correct words to describe my reaction as I looked up at the TV. I'm not from the city itself, but it's the closest Metro Area to Manhattan, and I've visited multiple times. I went there with my family as a kid, and ever since I met Ginntastic and all her friends, I've made several trips there as a (chronological) adult. I've embarrassed myself at Fenway Park and pronounced all the stops wrong on the T. I've gotten drunk in at least ten different bars and then been molested by Ginny's cat. Boston sports fans are rabid, which is great for me but is also a major fail because they all love the Pats and the Bruins. I have so much respect for Boston, its culture, its people and its history, and yesterday's events hit me hard.

The bombing became ESPN's main story on Monday, probably due to it being sports-related. I remember hearing Ginny talk about this every year- Marathon Monday, a holiday in the Boston area, where everyone basically gets wasted and watches the runners cross the finish line. It's especially fun for her because she works right across the street. As soon as the story splashed across ESPN my first thought was "GINNY." I called her and her phone went to voice mail. Then I sent her a text and when she didn't answer me within five seconds I freaked. Luckily, thirty seconds later, she texted me back to reassure me that she was, in fact, OK, as were the rest of our friends. Ginny was stuck in her office due to closed streets and downed T lines, but she was fine. Maybe this makes me selfish, but that knowledge helped me relax just a little bit. Ginny and the rest of the Nip Clique are such a hugely important part of my life- it's even because of Gin that I started blogging. So you can all blame thank her for that.

Later that night I was on the phone with my brother- ironically, it was also his birthday yesterday- and we were discussing the rash of emotions that we were both experiencing. We were angry, yes, and sad, but my brother brought up an excellent observation: are we still at the point where we as people are shocked when these acts happen? Late night host Craig Ferguson, who usually opens his show with the line "It's a great day for America," chose instead to start the program with this monologue below:


Comedian Patton Oswalt also opted to make a strong statement, posting this on Facebook. Entertainment Weekly... well, they took to Twitter to advertise their new Man of Steel pictures. Not everyone can convey their sympathies in such a moving and poignant manner as one of the top selling magazines in the country.

When 9/11 occurred, I had just started college and my brothers were in high school. My father was in a meeting at the time, and I remember that what was supposed to be a short drive home to his family turned into a 5-hour excursion. Cell phones were down, so we had no idea how to reach him and when or if he was even coming home. My mom came over to sit with us and wait for my dad to walk through the door. I can't recall ever being so elated and relieved to see anybody, before or since.

The 9/ll attacks are the first incident that I really remember affecting myself, my family and my friends the way that they did; being so close in proximity and mentality. I can only imagine what Boston must be going through, especially after the third explosion. They're probably in the mindset that their city is a danger zone, set to go off at any moment.

My brother and I are pretty much in agreement with Craig Ferguson- he is not the only one who is sick of this shit. While a fatality number of three may not seem that high, keep in mind that that number still isn't zero. One of those three was an eight-year-old boy. There were families from Newtown in the VIP section who were no doubt still recovering from their own losses. It disturbs me to think that as a society, we are no longer stunned when these things happen. We know that they're horrible, and we cry, and feel disgusted, and devastated, but we're no longer surprised.

When the shootings in Newtown took place, I was in no shape to provide advice, but I did suggest attempting to go back to normalcy as soon as you were able. Spend time with the people you care about- see a movie, watch TV, work on your blog. I'm also going to say the same for this- do whatever you can to regain some sense of convention. I went for a run this morning, which is a natural occurrence for me in this type of Spring weather. However, it also seemed fitting in light of yesterday's tragedy. The burst of energy mixed with the familiarity of my iPod and the warmth of the sun on my back was just what I needed to lose myself, if only for a couple of hours.

I wish I could say that casualties like this won't ever show themselves again, but I can't, because they will. What I can tell everyone is that it helps to talk about these acts of violence, and to try to understand, and to let out our frustrations. We should also all remember that Boston is one of the most resilient cities in the country- they're not called Massholes for nothing. And have you seen those guys drink?

At any rate, we all need to stay safe and stay strong. Remember that we are better than this, and if all else fails, puppies are still adorable.

The More You Know

It's probably not news to anyone that at the time of this post, 26 people were murdered in a Newtown, Connecticut grade school yesterday morning. 20 of those people were little kids. One was a teacher trying to protect her students from the gunman.

http://www.cnn.com/2012/12/15/us/connecticut-school-shooting/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

The shooter, who I will not glorify any further by naming here, had forced his way into the school. He was a 20 year old kid. It was also reported that he killed his mother and, when he was satisfied with his handiwork, himself. His older brother had to disable his Facebook page when he was erroneously identified as the suspect.

News reports say that the gunman suffered from a personality disorder, which calls into question exactly how the fuck this 20-year-old deranged fucking lunatic was able to get his hands on a loaded murder weapon in the first place. There are extensive background checks for minimum wage jobs at McDonald's, yet this douchebag manages to score an assault rifle? I can't be the only one that sees the epic fail in this.

I found out about the events that occurred late yesterday morning when I logged onto Facebook. I was all set to post about how stoked I was to go see The Hobbit, but I was immediately flooded with status updates about Sandy Hook. Some of my friends admittedly went a little overboard- yes, it was a tragedy; yes, it was sick and senseless and disturbing and horrible; yes, it hit close to home for myself, my family and a lot of my friends (I went to high school about 20 minutes away from Newtown)- but posting news updates and photos and angry rants every five minutes is not going to make anything go away, and will only feed into what this nutjob would have wanted.

(I'm also looking at you, news anchors and media shitstorm. Interviewing parents and even worse, terrified and sobbing children, is probably the most disgusting ploy for ratings I can even imagine. No. Go home.)

One of the most awful parts of this is probably that while this asshole will inevitably be rewarded with a Movie of the Week/feature film/countless magazine covers, in a few weeks no one will remember the names of any of the victims, including the teachers that died shielding their students from bullets.

Some have said that it's too bad that the killer turned the gun on himself, since now none of the victims' families will have the chance to take him out themselves. I'm looking at it this way: I hope the worst is over, and as strange as this sounds, we as a country can look at this in a positive way. Call your friends and family and tell them you love them. Spend time with them if they're located in your vicinity. Do unexpected nice things for random strangers.

Yesterday, inspired by these events, I gave two dollars to a homeless guy and he acted like it was a check for a million bucks. Then, on the way to the movies, I stopped at a pharmacy to get snacks, and paid for the woman behind me since she only had two items in her hand. I didn't even tell her; just let the cashier know that the "next girl was taken care of" and left. I didn't say anything to my brother, either. Was it a huge gesture? No. Her total was like five dollars. However, I felt that with my actions I had just said a massive "fuck you" to a guy that had just murdered a bunch of little kids.

Also, maybe this will help improve the US as a whole, and force a tighter rein on gun control and a better healthcare system which recognizes mental disabilities. I'm not saying this could have been prevented with Healthcare- clearly this dude was severely unhinged- but at least steps could have been taken and at least he could have seen a shrink or something. Apparently there were "warning signs," although emailing people and saying "yo, I'm thinking of shooting up an elementary school tomorrow; don't tell anyone" probably doesn't count as a harbinger so much as a massive fucking RED FLAG. I'm not placing immediate blame on anyone but him; however, maybe if someone had paid closer attention to his distress calls this would never have occurred.

Basically what we have to do right now is pull through this together. Attempt to stay positive and not dwell on the past. Try to return to your normal lives. Eat, sleep, watch TV, go see The Hobbit. Let out your frustrations in any way you can, if you so choose- I've obviously done this in my writing, like so many of us (two excellent examples I've found in the blogosphere of people affected by this tragedy are Christopher from Mixed Drinks & Mixed Feelings and Rainey from A Rainey Day with a Chance of Sunshine- especially poignant because Sandy Hook was her elementary school). Be thankful for what and who you have with you right now, because honestly, they may not be there when you come home tonight.

And to make us feel (marginally) better, here is a basket of tiny puppies.

So... We're Pretty Much All Fucked, Then?

Being from Brooklyn, I'm pretty skeptical by nature (I'm not entirely sure what one has to do with the other, but let's roll with it), so this whole "Mayan-end-of-the-world Theory" hasn't exactly left me a quivering mess. I'm usually pretty calm about this stuff, unless it involves wild turkeys, or sock monkeys.

What a dick.

Lately though, there have been some impending signals that I just can't seem to ignore. For example, being based out of Southern California as of recently, I can't help but notice the swarm of mini-quakes that have frequented the West Coast over the past few months. They've apparently even gone further into the country, spreading like my legs in the presence of a British accent (hey, if the world is going to end, I may as well go out enjoying myself).

Also, this year saw the demise of R.E.M. and to a lesser extent, Jet, as well as the tragic passing of Beastie Boys' MCA, Michael Clarke Duncan, Phyllis Diller, Tony Scott, Sally Ride, Neil Armstrong and Ray Bradbury. Not to mention, on the same day Neil Armstrong died, Snooki gave birth to what I'm pretty sure will grow up to be the Smoke Monster from Lost.

Is this some weird Rosemary's Baby-type shit?
Because if so I am OUT.

Another tell-tale sign of the Apocalypse- these people are still alive:

Also this asshole. And he owns a Batmobile. A fucking Batmobile.

So not only am I processing all this crazy shit and trying to figure out who gets my Ryan Gosling Blu-Rays in the aftermath (Ginntastic), but then I wake up this morning to this insane fuckery from Uproxx:

http://www.uproxx.com/tv/2012/09/everybody-panic-here-is-a-two-headed-snake/

WHAT.

OK, so I thought of three things when I first saw this:

1) How does this snake take a shit?
B) How long until this is a SyFy Channel movie, and how awesome will it be?
COBRA COMMANDER) HOLYFUCKINGHELL A TWO-HEADED SNAKE MGHSVDFDJDISDCHDGVSDCDKCHJDB OH MY GOD EVERYBODY DIE. What if there's like, a High Council of two-headed snakes, like a Legion of Doom, that has meetings and stuff, trying to take over the Earth?

What the fuck, Mother Nature? Who told you this was OK? Why would you do this? Why? WHY?

I hate you. I hate you so, so much. You are one sick bitch.

Although +5 to the parents that named their kid Preston Logan. I may be dating myself (and we all know that's the only dating I'm actually taking part in), but any Bill and Ted reference is a win in my book.

What Happens In Vegas Should Always, ALWAYS Stay In Vegas: Part The Second

I know, it's been a couple of weeks since I delivered the first part of this Unexpected Journey. Pretend like you give a shit. I would have posted earlier but my computer literally committed suicide and the hard drive decided to crash after less than a year. The external that Apple "provided" me with (for 100 of my hard-earned dollars) didn't work and I lost all my data, so I had to download everything all over again. I still hate you, Apple. So, so much.

At any rate, I fixed everything, and now I'm back, and ready to go. And I apologize for that mid-90's reference. I'm really old.

If you remember what happened in my last entry, good for you! Or, I'm sorry. If not, you can refer to Part the First through this handy link. Basically the story begins with me meeting a guy in Vegas, actually thinking that he might not be a complete tool, and turning out to be very, very wrong, as usual. Enjoy.

Part the Second picks up on my couch, where I was actually dumb enough to sit, on my ass, on a SATURDAY NIGHT, and wait for this asshole to show up at my apartment after his friends informed me that he would like to plead his case. I can't believe that I did this myself, so don't bother telling me what a complete idiot I was.

At least I had the good sense to exchange hate texts with Coyote Tits. My favorite was the one about how she would get her dogs to bite him repeatedly.

Look at these little faces! 

The next morning, after my roommate came home and went down a list of various detailed humiliation techniques that somehow all ended in ice cream, I realized that it was definitely time to cut this douchebag and everyone associated with him out of my life for good. At this rate, the only way that The Bug could get me to even entertain the notion of being in the same room with him (without a tire iron) would be to:

1) Purchase a private island for myself and three friends of my choosing (the lottery draw begins now);

B) Become Superman and use his powers of time travel to erase the last few months and therefore all remnants of his dumbass behavioral tactics;

SNOW LEOPARD) Learn the lost art of calligraphy, hand-write a detailed, formal letter of apology and have it delivered via adorable puppy (bonus if this letter arrives tied to a Nestle's Crunch bar);

I accept.

DD) Sit through every Ryan Gosling movie ever made and allow me to point out exactly what all the characters are doing correctly and how he himself has, in fact, managed to fuck himself over time and again. This includes stomping some dude in an elevator.

God, that's hot. Again, I question my own moral fiber.

I was also getting really irritated with the way his friends would constantly text me asking to crash at my place when they went out near my apartment, even when I wasn't with them. This was made even more obnoxious when I received another phone message from The Bug, using someone else's phone, not even acknowledging the fact that he stood me up and suggesting we meet up for sex later. In his defense, he did suggest dinner first. Probably at Chick-Fil-A or some other romantic four-star eatery with paper wine cups and vomit on the tables.

I'd had enough of this bullshit. I called the number back and demanded an explanation for the week prior, and I was informed, by another party, naturally, because The Bug is a total pussy and afraid to talk to me in person, that we don't have a "relationship."

What a complete load of fucking crap. I don't care if you're my boyfriend, my friend or my brother- if you make plans with me, I expect you to show up. And if you have to break them, there's this new invention called a phone. Here's a picture, in case you're unfamiliar:

Also, here's the definition of courtesy, since you've clearly never heard of that either:

This is where he reached the winning trifecta of having my roommate, my two best friends and my mother all detest him, which is a feat not accomplished since The Supervillain. Congratulations; that's like, the Lottery of Hate!

I really, REALLY wanted to tell this asshat to go fuck himself in person, so I told whoever was on the phone that I would speak to him if he would talk to me, himself, while sober. The reply I received?

"He says OK."

HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, all you can do is laugh. Anyway, I haven't heard from him since, not like I would answer if he called. I canceled plans with his friends, who were pretty mad that they had lost their crash pad and parking spot, and they haven't gotten in touch with me since then, either. My girls all offered to be a bitch for me, but they're all really not worth my energy. I'd much rather focus my efforts on much more important things, like blogging, or the new season of Breaking Bad, or calling out sick to work.

YEEEEEES.

Anyway, so there's the end of that. I wish I could tell you guys that I told him straight-up to go drive off a bridge, but seeing as how I deleted his number months ago, sadly, I never got that opportunity. I will say, however, that this entire spectacle has finally inspired Tits and myself to start that dating blog that we've going back and forth on Facebook chat about for the last six months. It's in Blogger Drafts right now, so we've actually taken that first small step for (wo)mankind. Look for it really soon- I promise it will be as horrifying yet hilarious as you imagine.

What Happens In Vegas Should Always, ALWAYS Stay In Vegas: Part The First

I know I don't usually post about dating in That Ain't Kosher, but to be honest, that's because I've pretty much forgotten what dating is. All my female friends are appalled by the lack of penis in my social life, but that's nice for them because they're not the ones who actually have to hit on me. I never know when I'm being flirted with and basically have the romantic skills of a frustrated fourteen year old boy- when I went to NOLA with Sara she let me know that when it came to dudes checking me out I was "borderline retarded." She's married, so she must know what she's talking about.

I took this advice to heart when my friends and I went to Vegas for the Superbowl and I actually noticed when some Van Wilder, Alpha-Kappa-Whatever-looking motherfucker glanced in my general direction. After about twenty minutes of intoxicated conversation I found out that he lived about an hour away from me in SoCal and that he was with a bunch of dudes. We wound up watching the game with said friends and I managed to get him to change his bet from the Pats to the Giants. HAHA! Sad Tom Brady FTW! Also, score one for my bank account.

I hung out with Van Wilder (shortened to "VW," or simply, "The Bug") and his boys for a couple of days, and by "hanging out" I mean, um, stuff hung out. Of our clothes. There was a lot of tequila, yo. And a taxi, if I remember correctly. A taxi in which we did things. And after these things I got dropped off at my hotel, and invited him up to my room, and I don't think he got the gist of what I was implying, because The Bug went back to his room alone and I wound up back in mine. With more tequila.

Later I was informed that the cab driver had called him a "fucking idiot." I mean, The Bug was ridiculously hammered (which I soon learned is pretty much his natural state), but when a girl is practically doing a striptease in your lap and invites you up to her hotel room, you fucking do it. Hell, when a girl is practically doing a striptease in your lap and invites you to discuss the Higgs boson with her, you fucking do it. You can admit that you don't know what that is later, when you're manhandling her boobs like you're controlling the Enterprise.

Actually, a lot of men have gone here before.
And not that boldly, either.

In my defense, I never actually expected this to go anywhere past the slot machines. When was the last time anyone ever said, "I met my husband/wife/future deductible in Vegas?"

Oh. Except for those times that people get wasted in chapels and shit.

Anyway, about a week after we were both settled in our respective living spaces, The Bug actually texted me. He and his friends, who were cool as shit BTW, were going to the Laker game about twenty minutes from me that weekend, and if I was free, were down to hang out. Yeah. I bet. They also wanted to stay over, since the drive back was really far, but hey, I was feeling generous. And tequila-y.

So basically, we all got pretty smashed again, and uh, yeah. Shit happens. They left the next day, and I figured that was that, but we actually corresponded pretty steadily. Yeah. "Corresponded." I also hung with his friends a lot, too. Like I said, cool as shit.

So this went on for a few weeks until one night when I got a call from him. He was already an hour late and when I picked up the phone he was in jail. JAIL. He had been biking to my place, too drunk to drive, and gotten a BUI. Classy. There were some muffled sounds and then he hung up, and I spent the next few days trying to get in touch with him. I even got sent to voice mail.

Oh, fuck no. FUCK NO. Delete.

I immediately called everyone I've ever met since I was ten years old to bitch to them, and spent the rest of the night on my lesbian neighbor's couch watching shitty re-runs of American Idol.

Also, did I mention that this assclown is 25 years old? Throughout this entire hilarious (?) chronicle, the Nipclique kept sending me emails that looked like this:

About a week passed of me completely losing my shit, and then I got a text from his friend. He informed me that a few days ago, The Bug had had a family emergency (he sent me photographic evidence, lest I thought this was a classic case of dudes sucking each other's dicks to cover for each other), and that eventually, I will get a phone call and to hang tight. I'm not supposed to know anything though, so "keep this on the DL."

So, armed with this new information, I waited. For about a month. His friends were still awesome, so we kept hitting up bars and such. I also received periodic information on this clown- such as, "he really likes you, but he's dealing with a bunch of bullshit right now." Meaning, "he's a pussy and he's too scared to call you." Then, one evening I was home, probably watching the SyFy Channel or some crap, and I got a text. From his friend. Saying that The Bug is now "feeling better and 'down to fuck.'"

People like this actually exist. Like, in reality. I could not make this up if I tried. I responded that that was eloquent as fuck, and I would be right over. Then I called like, eight of my friends.

I'm aware that I should have cut this entire group out of my life by now. Just go with the story.

Another week passed, and his group was in town for a birthday party. The Bug, of course, did not accompany them. However, I did get an apology from the guy who Cyrano'd that romantic proposition from before, claiming that The Bug, is, in fact, an idiot. FYI, girls: when the members of a guy's own crew use the word "idiot" to describe him, that is WAY MORE than a red flag- you have now hit Defcon 1.

I received a request- through a third party, of course- for a meet-up that weekend. Supposedly The Bug would be coming back from the airport and wanted to discuss how badly he had fucked up. He didn't even plan on staying over (right), and he said that even if I hated him, he would settle for "being friends."

So of course, being the stunning, dynamic intellectual that I am, I SAID YES, and you can probably all guess how that turned out.

This is getting super long and possibly very annoying, so I'll divide this into Parts 1 and 2. If it's seriously that suspenseful, I guess you can read the next half of this thrilling saga when I post it in a couple of days. Or whenever I stop being lazy and finish writing it.

SPOILER: I'm currently still single.