Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Evolution 1; Humanity 0

I was never a fan of Jurassic Park. I know it's considered a classic and everything, but come on. In what actual One Direction Dance Party Hell would somebody greenlight an amusement park where real dinosaurs could get the chance to eat people? Keep in mind this was before Kim Kardashian was around.

You would do it too.
One of the dumbest scenes in that movie was the one with the velociraptors in the cafeteria. It's like, are they serious? Velociraptors were awesome, and also kind of looked like Kim Kardashian now that I think about it, but there's no way they could have figured out how to push against a doorknob. That's where I checked out.



So that film always bugged me because I figured that it could never happen, but then I came across this ridiculous bullshit from Uproxx.com:

http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2013/06/this-video-of-a-snake-opening-a-door-is-the-beginning-of-mankinds-end/

Oh, yes, there is a gigantic snake that KNOWS HOW TO OPEN A FUCKING DOOR. Here's the video again, for those of you that aren't terrified enough:



This is thirteen seconds of the most heart-pounding, gut-punching, soul-crushing horror I have ever seen. Good luck sleeping tonight, everyone.

What is it with you snakes? Why are you such dicks? Is this because Justin Bieber owns a Batmobile?

I'm done. Night, Lois. 

2 comments:

Allison said...

I'm exercising my right to NOT watch that video, as I have the biggest phobia of snakes ever and I'll hate you forever for introducing me to this nightmare,

Anyways, I liked Jurassic Park, but keep in mind I haven't seen it since i was a kid. I wasn't one of those nerds who saw it in 3D for the re-release this year.

goodlordimthirty said...

You've given me plenty of reasons to not sleep tonight. It's okay, I'll spend the time despairing over humanity.