Friday, December 31, 2010

BLOGGERSTOCK: BEST BLOGGY FRIENDS EDITION

I know that you all know by now that I do Bloggerstock pretty frequently, and since this is the last one of the year, I figured I should make an appearance. For the most part, I've been pretty satisfied with my Bloggystock pairings, but this month they really hit this shit out of the park.


For December's theme, "What Inspires You?" I got paired up with two of my best blogoverse friends. You can see my guest post on Mandy Moore's page, and I'm bringing you the crafty stylings of Mollie Marissa from Pearl Tigress. BTW, she was equally psyched to post for me. Here's what she sent me in her email:

I'm excited I get to post on your blog for bloggerstock. It made my night.

Aww, me too, Molls! Love.

Maybe the founders of Bloggerstock finally took my advice and rigged this shit. I doubt it, though. I probably just got lucky. Anyway, here's Mollie's post. Enjoy.

At first I started thinking about what inspires my blog posts, but that was pretty boring. Then I broadened my focus and wondered what inspires... me. My very being. What makes me tick, what makes me want to do something?


I've found that I have this abstract sense of something that I can only call "goodness". It's the concept of health, peace, happiness. I suppose I'm a bit of an idealist. It's that drive towards goodness though that motivates me to live the way I do. I try to eat right and get exercise because the idea of a healthy body is so appealing. I play the piano and draw and sing because art is just so beautiful. I teach because I want children to experience loving support and security and a love of learning. I blog because I think being able to express yourself freely and learn from others' experiences and have a community is an essential part of humanity. I am an idealist, and I believe those ideals can be at least partially achieved here and now. As long as I have the inspiration of those ideals I will continue to do everything I can to reach them. Goodness. Goodness is my inspiration.

That's sweet.

Anyway, don't forget to check out my post on Mandy's page, and everybody PLEASE go out and have a kick-ass New Year's. Be safe, be healthy, and don't do anyone I wouldn't do.

Monday, December 27, 2010

VALIDATE ME

This weekend was Christmas, in case you slept through the last however many years of your life and didn't know that, so of course I was bored as shit because I'm a Jew. All of my Jew-y friends are back East, so I planned on ignoring the holiday by watching the Buffy marathon on Chiller and getting Chinese food.

Despite the fact that LA is run by Judaism, all the Chinese places were actually closed (WTF?), so that didn't work out. I can't remember what I actually ate all day, but I think it fell into the sandwich category.

Yeah, this happened.

Enough about my stupid non-holiday, because you guys don't care. Besides, I won't be stumbling through inertia for much longer because I made the most kick-ass New Year's plans ever.

I was SUPPOSED to road-trip it with one of my girlfriends to NOLA and hook it up (or hook up- RAWR) with Sara Nips, but said friend disappeared on me at the last minute. Fortunately for me, I was able to reach out to Riot, one of my New York cohorts so named not only for her wicked sarcasm delivery but also her ability to drink up and party down, and she basically ordered me to penetrate 2011 with her in Texas. We would start the decade off right at a gig in Dallas and then hightail it to Austin, one of the music capitals of the country. My flight was booked before we hung up the phone.

Don't worry, Nips- I love you and this NOLA weekend IS happening. Trust.

She forgives me, because I'm adorable. <3<3<3

Anyway, I'm SO psyched for Austin. Besides NOLA and Chicago, it's the one city in the US that I've never been to that I absolutely have to visit. The live music community there is astronomical, and it's Texas, so I'm pretty sure everyone can drink me under the table. Plus Riot is originally from Texas, so she knows where all the most humiliating mechanical bulls are located. It's definitely going to be one of the greatest vacations of my life.

This means I'll actually be in a pretty awesome mood for the rest of the year, thanks to Riot's excellent trip-planning skills. As if that weren't enough, I've also been presented with another blog award, this time from one of my minions accomplices new blogoversians Kandace from One Red Wall.


I actually totally stalk her blog too, but I can't give this back to her, or the four other well-deserving bloggers (bloggesses? bloggi?) that she passed this along to. So let's see...

Ginntastic @ Ginntastic (Please, PLEASE vote for her for Featured Blogger! If she wins it'll give kittens souls.)
Lor @ Late To The Party
Christina @ Christina In Wonderland

and of course...

Mandy Moore @ The Real MandyMoore

I adore all of you guys, and remember, I know where you live. At least on Facebook. (Except for you, Ginn. I see you when you're sleeping. AHAHAHAHA!)

Happy New Year, everyone!!! See you in 2011... if I'm awake.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

AURAL SEX- END OF THE DECADE EDITION

Hello, Lovers.

This is the noughtie decade's final installment of Aural Sex, so I decided to bitch-slap you with a full load of unimportance. Instead of one list, I gave you a million.

When the millennium hit I was still in high school. Admittedly, my tastes have changed considerably since then (I've even posted that for you guys because my shame has no limitations). I like to think I'm much cooler now, so I've buried that list way down at the bottom as a special treat for you all to compare and contrast.

Happy almost New Year!

Top 20 Most Significant Albums of the 2000's:


Rise Against- Appeal to Reason (2008)



Sometimes Rise Against's lyrics veer a bit towards the political, but they're worth checking out because their songs are so catchy anyway. Their tunes are melodic while still the epitome of punk, and that's why I love them. They recently played in California, but it was like an hour away from me at some stupid festival where the tickets were 80 bucks. One day I WILL see you live, Rise Against.

Best Track: Audience Of One


The Bravery- The Bravery (2005)


I downloaded The Bravery's entire first album- it combines 80's electro-pop with New York City indie rock, and lead singer Sam Endicott even sounds kind of like Morrissey of The Smiths. The Bravery is like a hipster's dream, which means I should have disowned them- but "An Honest Mistake" is SO epic.

Best Track: An Honest Mistake


Various Artists- Almost Famous Soundtrack (2000)



I know you're all getting really agitated with how often I rave about Almost Famous and everything associated with it, so I'll just shut up and let all of you discover (or listen to) the soundtrack for yourselves.

Best Track: Elton John, Tiny Dancer


Bad Religion- The Empire Strikes First (2004)


Bad Religion was one of the first bands that I became frighteningly obsessed with, and this album contains "Los Angeles Is Burning," my favorite track that they ever released. BTW, they are incredible live.

Best Track: Los Angeles Is Burning


Spoon- Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga (2007)



I discovered Spoon pretty late (like, last year- I know). I have a friend that's so scarily consumed with this band that he pretty much won't even talk to you if you don't listen to them, and he wouldn't accept the fact that I'd never heard anything they'd done. He finally forced me to download this album (and not in a sexy way or anything), and fortunately for me, it's pretty fucking amazing. I'm a convert. Spoon rules.

It was tough to choose between Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga and like, three other CD's, but this one is the most consistent. You should probably download all of them.

Best Track: Black Like Me


U2- All That You Can't Leave Behind (2000)


It's actually depressing for me to think about this album because U2 only releases complete shit now. However, this was the last of their truly great efforts. While it's no Joshua Tree (or even an Achtung Baby), there are some truly amazing tracks that, when they toured in the aftermath of September 11th, resonated with the entire country.

Bono, you are really obnoxious, BTW. Can you just go back to making great music and stop throwing all your charity work in our faces? Thanks.


Best Track: Walk On


Coldplay- A Rush of Blood to the Head (2002)


When Coldplay debuted with Parachutes in 2000, a lot fans and critics immediately dismissed them as Radiohead rip-offs. With the release of A Rush of Blood to the Head, at least some of those people shut the hell up. At its best, Rush was a great Brit-pop album, and at its worst, you got sick of it because it was immensely overplayed. Plus, you can't argue that "The Scientist" and its companion video are hauntingly beautiful.


Best Track: The Scientist


Bloc Party- Silent Alarm (2005)



I can't wrap this album into one specific genre (their Myspace says "alternative/indie/rock"), so I'll just go with "really fucking British." I will say, however, that Bloc Party is cool enough to have a song featured on The OC AND to not lose their following, so there's that.

Anyway, I actually saw them play live and they really drove home the alt-rock- it's something that I'm really searching for in terms of musical styles right now, so it was vastly appreciated. Bloc Party is pretty awesome. Definitely check them out.

PS- can anyone tell me how to pronounce the lead singer's name? I have no fucking idea.


Best Track: Helicopter


Green Day- American Idiot (2004)



I recently did a post on how listening to Green Day changed my entire musical direction, and it's because of Dookie that I became a lifelong punk and alt-rock devotee. However, with the release of American Idiot, Green Day cemented themselves as juggernauts of the genre. The album became a multi-platinum powerhouse and catapulted the band into icon status. I've grown tired of the CD by now, because it's been really overplayed, but I'm psyched that with the opening of a Broadway musical, I can now put Green Day in the same category as The Who without irony.

Best Track: Boulevard of Broken Dreams


Arctic Monkeys- Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not (2006)



If you're huge into music, like me, you probably remember the mass amounts of hype undulating around the release of this album, and I can honestly say that it was absolutely well-deserved. These guys were like, nineteen years old when this album came out. That is nuts.

Regardless of the fact that all their songs were about picking up random girls, getting wasted and and going to bars, critics loved this CD. Every song on it is dynamite, and it made a shit-ton of "Best Album" lists. It's not exactly a time-consumer, either: the entire album is less than 40 minutes long. I used to play this CD when I was getting ready to go out with my girlfriends. It made us feel like total bad-asses, even though we so weren't.

Best Track: Still Take You Home


Muse- Absolution (2004)



Muse is another band that gets unfairly compared to Radiohead. First of all, no one will ever be Radiohead, so that's just a ridiculous statement. And second, no one will ever be Radiohead.

I do hear a little bit of Thom Yorke in Matt Bellamy's voice, though, which is one of the reasons I like them. Another reason is that Muse is another band that encompasses multiple genres. Also, Matt Bellamy is kind of hot. It's too bad he's "dating" that skankho Kate Hudson. He probably has crabs now.


Best Track: Time Is Running Out


Daft Punk- Discovery (2001)

Daft Punk writes electrifying, trippy house music that pop fans can still appreciate (check out the uplifting, dance-able magic of "One More Time"). Now they're all over the place, being sampled by Kanye West, shilling for auto companies and penning the entire score for the new Tron movie (nerdgasm, BTW), but Discovery was the album that really brought Daft Punk into the recognition of the general public.


Best Track: One More Time


Queens of the Stone Age- Songs for the Deaf (2002)


Songs for the Deaf edges out Rated R by THISMUCH because it features Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters on drums. If you listen to it all the way through, it could be considered a concept album, as it follows a road trip while tuning into radio stations. Even though it's technically not considered part of the actual CD, the video for "No One Knows" is hilarious even though I'm kind of afraid of that creepy-ass deer.



Songs for the Deaf was the QOTSA album that garnered them the most critical acclaim and its first US gold certification. I should also point out that they are sick live.


Best Track: No One Knows


Most Hysterical Track: The album contains an incomplete version of  Rated R's "Feel Good Hit of the Summer," with all the lyrics replaced with laughing. It's SO wrong to laugh at this, but you can't help it.


The Postal Service- Give Up (2003)



I've already told you guys the story of how I first fell in love with The Postal Service. I'm not really that big on electronica, but there's something about them that I can't tear myself away from. When you consider that one half of the band is the dude from Death Cab and that Give Up features back-up vocals from Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley, two bands I don't even like, my infatuation with The Postal Service gets even weirder.

Give Up has the distinction of being Sub-Pop's best-selling album since Nirvana's Bleach. Since then, their singles have been used in numerous advertisements, including a bunch of promotional efforts for the United States Postal Service.

Unfortunately, their best work, an eerily stunning cover of that shitty Phil Collins song "Against All Odds," isn't on this album. However, you won't be disappointed with the CD. Just listen to it.

Best Track: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight


Interpol- Antics (2004)



The reason I chose this album over Turn On the Bright Lights (which is also stellar in its own right) is because with Antics, the band evolves into who they are now and what they're likely to become. With the release of Antics, Interpol still relies heavily on bass and drums but comes out more polished, delivering what feels like the ultimate New York City basement bar experience.

Plus my friends like to change the lyrics of "Slow Hands" to "Small Hands" just to make fun of me.

I hate you guys.

Best Track: Slow Hands


Foo Fighters - Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace (2007)



I've mentioned before that my fixation with Foo Fighters is borderline unnatural. I was actually bummed that The Colour and the Shape came out in the 90's because then I couldn't add it to this list. Every single album that they released this decade could have made it on here, but their last record, Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace, was the return of the band that I first loved- Dave Grohl was angry again, and therefore made the second-best CD of his Foo Fighters career. Dave Grohl, take note: You are amazing at everything you do, but you are best when you scream.

Best Track: The Pretender


The Strokes- Is This It (2001)




Is This It is one of those rare instances when a debut album really kicks the shit out of you and lets you know that a band has really broken onto the scene. It's difficult for me to find an artist that's just simple New York City garage band rock, so when I do, I hold on for years. That's The Strokes.

Best Track: It's a toss up: either Last Nite or Someday. I could go with either.

Beck- Sea Change (2002)


Sea Change is so hard (SOHARD!) to put into words that I'll just recommend that you listen to the album. Everyone in my circle raves about it, though, if that's any indication.

Best Track: Paper TigerThis is VERY closely followed by It's All In Your Mind.


Radiohead- Kid A (2000)



Please. Like you DIDN'T think there would be any Radiohead on here. You're probably shocked that there are only two.

When I first heard Kid A I was literally blown away. My psychotic addiction to Radiohead had started in 1997, when I first heard "High and Dry," the lead single off of The Bends. It's now to the point where I get offended if somebody says that they don't like Radiohead, and I was actually angry that some of their albums came out in the 90's so I couldn't include them in this compilation. Basically, what it comes down to is that Thom Yorke is a genius and everything he releases is a masterpiece. Anyone who disagrees with me is wrong.

Anyway.

Kid A is so phenomenal because it's such a departure from the band's previous works. Radiohead is now known for being largely experimental, but at the time, this was a fairly hazardous move that alienated some of their listeners and critics. Author Nick Hornby called the album "commercial suicide." Fuck you, Nick Hornby. Judging from the band's rabid cult following, it certainly didn't hurt them. Ass.

Best Tracks: I have every song Radiohead has ever given birth to on my iPod (I am so sad), so I'll just narrow it down to the ones that stand out the most.

Everything in Its Right Place
How to Disappear Completely
Idioteque
Motion Picture Soundtrack


Radiohead- In Rainbows (2008)


Choosing between this and Kid A for the number one slot was tougher than my Accounting final. The main reason I went with In Rainbows is that as soon as I heard it, it became an instant classic, and "Reckoner" easily became one of my top five favorite Radiohead songs. Of course, I downloaded this immediately upon its release without hearing any of the tracks beforehand, but that's how I roll. Radiohead could record an entire LP of pigeons eating vomit and I would buy it for a million dollars.

The best thing about In Rainbows is that it serves as proof as to how loyal their fans are. They first released the album as a digital download as a "pay-what-you-want" deal, including an option to get it for free, and their loyal followers (including myself) actually paid money for the CD. It was totally worth it; every song is monumental. I'm still waiting for Radiohead to to put out a shitty album. I haven't seen them live yet, but I'm kind of afraid to. I might have a heart attack and die.

Best Tracks: I seriously can't pick any. Buy the entire album.

Most Aur-gasmiest Singles of 2010:


Anberlin- Impossible



Listening to Anberlin reminds me of when my friends and I used to go Warped Tour back in high school. "Impossible" gets me all nostalgia-y, and it has a good beat, so sometimes I work out to it. I still secretly like some of this pop-punk kind of stuff, although I probably won't admit it now.

Oh, shit. I just did.

The Hold Steady- Hurricane J




A lot of my friends are into The Hold Steady. While I'm not a super-fan, I can appreciate the fact that at least they're making good music and they don't sound like fucking Miley Cyrus.

Plus I'm pretty sure this song this was written about me and my miserable sex life. Almost every single guy I've ever done anything remotely physical with for some reason has had the letter J in either his first or last name. I have no idea why this is (maybe there's an annual convention or something?), but it makes the song even better. I'm there.


Florence and the Machine- Dog Days Are Over




I was listening to this song for months before I even knew who the artist was. I'm ignoring the fact that it's like, two more advertisements away from becoming an annoying pop culture staple because it's really fucking good. For some reason this song reminds me of Scottish bagpipes, only more rocking. I also love seeing girls NOT being manufactured into moron pop-tarts. I like this band- I definitely want to hear where their next album takes them.

LCD Soundsystem- I Can Change




There are so many great tracks off of This Is Happening- I almost couldn't narrow it down to just one. (This album narrowly missed my Top 20- download this too. There are four or five songs on there that are interchangeable with this one for my Best Of). "I Can Change" explores what Depeche Mode may have sounded like if they had stuck with the synth-pop well into their career, only this is much, much better and more sparkly than "Just Can't Get Enough." The irony is there, too- the song is a desperate plea for a doomed relationship, but the beat is so twinkly that you almost don't even notice.

Cee-Lo Green- Fuck You




This would be on here for the title alone, but the fact remains that the song itself is catchy as hell. I had this in my head for days, and the best part was when I busted out "Fuck Yooooooou" in the shower and my mom was like, "What?" The video is a viral marketer's dream, and the track is R&B magic- full of malicious intent yet still so happy and cute. In the year of the recession, who doesn't want someone who knows how to appreciate the simpler, cheaper things? FUCK YOU!

Most Awesome Band Name Of The Decade:


Holy Fuck

Needs no explanation.


Greatest Song Title of the Decade (And Possibly Ever):


Your Child Is Dead (Off With Their Heads, 2008)

Is it frowned upon to find this funny? Because I totally do.


Close Second:


Fuck You (Cee-Lo Green, 2010)

THIS is why the song was a web sensation before anyone even heard it all the way through.


Best Unsigned Artists of the 2000's:


Not all deserving artists are so easily accessible. Here's a list of the ones you can only find if you search the web or go to a shit-ton of live shows.


Jerkagram (Fairfield County, CT)

I know I mentioned these guys before, but I have to give them a second shout-out because they are truly that talented. Jerkagram is finally starting to get the recognition they deserve, with the forthcoming release of their first official EP in early 2011 and drawing more crowds to bigger shows. This fall I saw them open for We Are Scientists, and honestly, they were better.

Anyway, here's where you can download their songs, and if you're around Connecticut, you can catch them this Thursday, the 23rd at the Fairfield Theater Club.


The Ruby Friedman Orchestra (Los Angeles, CA)

The first thing you'll notice about Ruby Friedman is her hair. It's loud, vivacious and immediately takes center stage, much like Ruby herself.

However, all of that will fade into the background as soon as Ruby  opens her mouth. You're not just watching a lead singer- Ruby's a frontwoman. Even as she's vocalizing, she's running, jumping and moving around onstage. You never know where to look, so your eyes just tend to follow the sound of her voice. It's absolutely beautiful, yet still carries that essence of rock, punk and old-school blues that one needs to truly be called a star.

Her band is amazingly talented, as well- they're all accomplished, seasoned musicians in their own right and add the perfect element to the Ruby Friedman Orchestra's live performances. Watching them play is akin to a nature geek seeing an episode of Life on the Discovery Channel- picture the expression on their face as they watch the lion stalk the antelope. That's the rush you'll get at an RFO show- listening to the Orchestra is like having an out-of-body experience. Their music straddles multiple genres- rock, pop, funk and more than a little bit of jazz- and Ruby performs it all like she has an IV drip in her veins for each one.

BTW, their next show is scheduled for January 16th at The Troubadour here in LA- I'll be there, and you should plan on going if you're around. If you can't make it, here's where you can download their music.


Right This Second (Brooklyn, NY)

Right This Second is just starting out, but don't let that deter you, because the musicians have actually been playing for years. They've been on the New York City indie music scene for a while and are just now coming together as a four-piece.

Their sound encompasses every genre of rock you can cram into one description, and their influences range from the classic (Zep) to the obscure (TV On The Radio). You can tell when you hear them perform- every song sounds different. They also do an interesting interpretation of Radiohead's "No Surprises," which of course I'm totally into because RADIOHEAD! Bonus: their drummer is a chick.

If you can't make it to their next show, which is at the Trash Bar in Brooklyn on December 30th, you can always download their material here.


Most Horrific Cultural Abortions of the Decade:


Have you guys realized that pop culture has gotten heinously obnoxious lately? Like, I don't even want to turn on the TV or watch movies anymore. Sad. Here's why:


Music Videos Are Totally Irrelevant

I used to love MTV. Even though they had original programming, most of it was centered around music videos. Does anyone remember 120 MinutesHeadbanger's Ball? Even TRLBeavis and Butthead is still one of my favorite shows to watch on DVD, and the best part was when they would watch videos and make fun of them. Now MTV doesn't even play videos anymore. VH1 still kind of does, but they've been bounced to that tiny mid-a.m. chunk when no one is awake. I get it- they have to make room for shitstorms like 12-Year-Old Mom and Bret Michael's House of Herpes.


Vampires Are Sucking The Life Out Of Decent Programming

This sparkly, lovesick vampire trend annoys the shit out of me. I wrote a whole post on this like a year ago hoping that the simple power of my words would cause the whole thing to die down but NO. It looks like this isn't going away.

The worst part of this whole thing is absolutely the moron-fest that is Twilight. I totally do not get why all my otherwise intelligent, competent girlfriends are so obsessed with this shit. I hate all those stupid kids, the movies are awful and the books are for 12-year-olds. Die, already. DIE!


Hollywood Remakes/Sequelizes EVERYTHING

When I was in junior high my friends and I remade that episode of 90210 where Brenda finds a dog and feeds him bologna; then the dog gets sick or something and runs away. 15 years later, BAM! New 90210. Where's my damn royalty check?

Hollywood hasn't had an original idea since... I don't even know. Now they just dust off the archives and find out which of the High School Musical stars needs the least amount of money. You know someone is going to let Bieber make a 3D remake of Back to the Future. If that happens I'll travel back in time and kill not only Bieber, but also his parents so they can't meet and therefore procreate.


Celebrity Kids

Can someone please tell me what is up with this stupid trend of all these celebrity kids deciding that they want to be just like their parents and not get actual jobs like working at a mall or something? They all have to act or model, or even worse, SING.

Some of them are just barely tolerable, but the worst are Will Smith's kids. One of them had the nerve to try to become the next Karate Kid (some advice: you're not), and his daughter had that hellacious "Whip My Hair" crap that some people surprisingly actually liked.

Oh, and think about this: Parents: Will and Jada. Kids: Willow and Jaden.

NO.


Justin Bieber

If I could murder anyone and get away with it, it would be this little tool. Hell, if I could murder anyone and NOT get away with it, it would still be him. There are not enough synonyms for the word "hate" to accurately describe my feelings for Justin Bieber. Can someone please explain to me what this kid does, and why everyone is in love with him? I can't even pinpoint exactly what bugs me about him the most. I just loathe him. If I could drop him into a hot barrel of coals pulled across a burning lava pit by a trio of angry gorillas who hadn't eaten in weeks, I would. I don't even understand why this kid brings out so much of my rage, but I would love to see him suffer a horrible, flamey death. Is that wrong?

And now, perhaps to make up for my murderous rants and child-like visions of Justin Bieber's slow, turtorous demise, I bring you:


The Mortification Rotation, Pre-2000 Edition:

I kept these buried under my punk and alt-rock CD's. I am so ashamed of this list.

BTW, I saw the Backstreet Boys in concert like, four times. I had t-shirts.


Jewel- Pieces of  You


Hey, she has a really good voice!

Backstreet Boys- Millennium


Yes, I did.

Ace of Base- The Sign


In my defense, everyone and their dog owned this album.

Various Artists- NOW That's What I Call Music! Volume Something


Whatever. I used to listen to Z-100, too.

And the most painful:

Limp Bizkit- Significant Other


I fail at life.

So the decade has come to an end, as has my indispensable guide to pop-culture (but only until January). I'll probably come around (hahaha... "come") again in a few days, anyway, so don't feel like, too sad or anything.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

YOU SHALL RECEIVE NO PIE

Hey, guys. I'm watching football all day today, but I still decided to post for you.

Last month, I did Bloggerstock, and in honor of Turkey Day, the topic was "What Are You Not Thankful For?" I worked really hard to not make my contribution boring and stupid, but as it turned out, that didn't matter because nobody fucking read it.

What the fuck, you guys? You've all hurt my feelings and shall receive no pie.

So how about this: I'm reposting it for you guys here to force you to look at it. Yay! Merry Christmas! Or whatever.

Here it is. Observe:

There were a lot of things I was thankful for this year, but you don’t care about that. What you really want to hear about is why I’m so bitter and sardonic, yet still so damn lovable (hooray!).


So I’ve been going to my gynecologist for a few years now. All women think that seeing the I Spy doctor is a major pain in the ass (pun intended), but that’s definitely the easiest way to find out that the random dude that you picked up at the side of the BQE gave you crabs. What’s especially obnoxious is when a guy asks if I’ve ever gotten turned on during my annual jaunts to the metal torture chair. I don’t know- let’s have a huge dude stick a cold metal scalpel up one of your orifices and see if you get aroused. Yay, or nay?





My gynecologist visits are especially annoying because he always keeps me waiting for like, nine years, and that’s just sitting in the waiting room. Plus his magazines suck. All he has is Parenting and Old People Weekly.


The last time I was there, the usual shit ensued. Height, weight, blood pressure, put on this dashing paper smock that was last seen on the Paris runways, etc. They had all the usual inquiries about my (pathetically non-existent) sex life, including whether I was pregnant, which made me cry saline tears because I can’t even get my mom’s cat to follow me into the bedroom.  All the normal tests were administered and then the nurse left me alone to wallow in the fact that I didn’t even need to be there because I’ve been “enjoying” the quiet, depressing art form of masturdating for the past year.


So I lie there uncomfortably with my feet in the cold, hard stirrups when the nurse came back in with my doctor, looked at me with Sadeyes and goes,“um, are you absolutely sure you’re not pregnant?”


Um. What.


There was silence for what seemed like a full decade (it was probably about ten seconds) until Nurse Ratchet laughed and told me she was trying to “lighten the mood.” Obviously my pain is some kind of fucking endorphin because they both started cracking up.





First of all, what kind of stealth pregnancy test was this that I didn’t even realize it was going on? And second, why the hell would that “lighten the mood,” unless everyone in this office is some sort of damn sociopath? Where did you get your license, Dr. Harold Shipman’s Medical School For The Criminally Insane?


So, thanks for that, Dr. Strangelove. YOU are what I am not thankful for this year.


Oh, and I also hate the Twilight kids. Someone needs to throw all of them into a poorly-lit tunnel during rush hour.


So that was what you all missed out on. I know, you're going to cry. It's OK, I'll wait. I'm also doing Bloggerstock this month, so you'll have plenty of other opportunities to ignore my handiwork.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

CHECK OUT MY BIRTHDAY SUIT!

Today’s post is super-exciting because  this week, That Ain’t Kosher is celebrating its first birthday!



My music column will be up next week so I can concentrate on giving myself the celebratory love bites that I so richly deserve. I can’t believe I’ve spent a full year of my life writing this blog, but since I lack the brainpower to develop a new medical cure or discover a planet or anything significant like that, this is what I’ve settled for instead. Aren’t you guys proud?

So let’s take a look back at what’s been going on for me since the inception of That Ain’t Kosher:

In December of 2009, I was living just outside New York City. The company I worked for had taken a full-on nose dive and left me without a job, I had just ended a semi-relationship with a guy who turned out to be even more dysfunctional than a broken slot machine in Vegas and I had found out that the girl who was posing as my best friend was actually a flaming sociopath.

Flash-forward to late 2010 (today, for the two of you who didn’t get it), and things are still pretty much the exact same as they were a year ago. I'm trapped in the seventh circle known as Hell-A, crashing in the guest room of my father's apartment like a surly teenager. I still don't talk to that psychotic loser; however, I do have an incredible group of solid compatriots (most of them are back East, though, which sucks for me). I'm still mainly focused on the arduous headache of finding a company that's willing to hire someone whose most marketable skillsets are currently "champion napping" and "able to wrap legs behind her head" (references furnished upon request).



As for my pitiful dating life, I won't even go into that since I've wasted enough of your time already. I will say, however, that dousing myself with invisible man-repellent has given me more than enough time to figure out how to storm the Zombie Nipocalypse and blast those fuckers to Hell. Besides, I'm a lot funnier when I'm miserable.

I originally started this blog because my life at that point had basically become a shitstorm, with one epic fail piling onto the other one. I needed to get my frustrations out and since there were no clock towers around, the Internet was the next best option. I decided to go completely anonymous so I could say whatever I wanted about whoever I wanted. I figured I might get my mom to read it, occasionally.

One year later, I have a shit-ton of followers and an entire new community in 20sb. Enough of you love me enough to vote me Featured Blogger of the Month, and I'm absolutely serious when I tell you that that was one of the most awesome things to happen to me all year. I've even met up with a few of my fellow Bloggers, and I can say with complete, unrestricted, flat-out certainty that they are some of the most bang-up people I've met so far. (One of the highlights: M2'ing it with Mandy Moore at a house party. I'm a little bit frightened for Vegas... but also slightly turned on.)

To all of you who friended me on Facebook, too: Your sextings do not disappoint.

Anyway, I'm back in California as of yesterday. I miss New York and all of you already. It's cloudy here and I'm in bed with a cold, feeling like shit, but at least I have an Internet connection, so expect more blogging and dry witticism from my end.

I was trying to think of an exponentially massive way to celebrate my Blog Birthday with everyone, and then I figured I would let you all decide because A) I'm lazy and B) what better way to share the love without actually giving away any of my cake?

I will cut you.
So there's a poll somewhere up in this bitch. Find it and vote, or feel free to comment and add your own ideas. The winner gets... something. I don't know yet.

Happy Birthday to me! Here's to a better 2011... I hope.

PS- the new header is courtesy of Lor from Late to the Party. I promised her I would do this like, two months ago and I finally got around to it.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

PASS THE BUCK (BECAUSE I'M BROKE AS HELL)

So as most of you are probably sick of hearing about by now, the drunk-tacular geniuses in the 20sb Nip Clique elected me their all-powerful leader Featured Blogger last month. That was seriously one of the most awesome things that's happened to me all year, even though I didn't win any money or get a free tiara or unicorn or anything like that.

Well November's over, so now it's somebody else's turn. Because I'm totally high on this whole omnipotence deal (om-NIP-o-tence?), I had to make sure to keep the meter running and that one of my friends got the vote.

Well, I win again, because this month the crown goes to Mandy Moore, of The Real MandyMoore. If you don't read her blog yet, you obviously have been ignoring my blogroll, and that is very, very bad. Mandy is an impressive ninja/zombie fighter who's also a mom to one the most adorable little girls I've ever seen. She also sometimes sends me hilarious sext messages. The fact that she's December's Featured Blogger already makes her a zillion times cooler than that OTHER Mandy Moore, who's just done a bunch of shitty movies and crappy-ass pop songs that no one likes anyway.

Here's just one of the reasons that the REAL Mandy Moore totally took this month:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCJALZs9R-w&w=480&h=390]

Normally one would have to pry a title like this from my tiny yet nimble fingers, but I actually don't mind abdicating the throne because the word "abdicate" sounds a lot like "masturbate." So congratulations, Lover!!!! You make the Nip Clique proud... and also kind of turn us on a little bit.



PS-  I nominated Ginntastic for January, which I partially did to annoy her because she's actually on a campaign for Least Featured Blogger, which I think is hysterical. Anyway, go vote for her, because January is my birthday month and since the possibility of Christian Bale being mailed to my house naked and duct-taped is probably not in the cards, this is the next best thing.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

OY! TO THE WORLD


It’s holiday season in New York City, and this is unquestionably my favorite time to be in Manhattan. Despite the fact that it’s usually negative 9,000 degrees outside (except for this year- we’ve been incredibly lucky so far, temperature-wise), I always find myself getting all sentimental and mushy-like. I appreciate this, because it’s proof that I actually do have a soul.

New York City between Thanksgiving and New Year’s is absolutely beautiful. All the famous sights are here- the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade (although I don’t do parades), the tree at Rockefeller Center, the store windows at Macy’s. I don’t even mind the blistering cold- there’s something so poignant about bundling up with family, drinking hot chocolate while snow falls on the ground and the streets are all decorated and god, I’m so lame.

While I love being in New York for all the festivities, I have to admit that being a Jew this time of year sucks copious amounts of balls. It’s the middle of Chanukkah right now and the only acknowledgements we’re getting are a “Happy Hannukah!” on the major TV networks (note: that isn’t even one of the accepted spellings). Even the Park Avenue Menorah Lighting is half-assed- unlike with the Tree Lighting, the only one singing a tribute to my Chanukkah bush is my gynecologist.

Oh, not what you meant? Sorry.
As one of the tribe, I’ve been getting shafted my whole life  (and I’ve also been ignored in favor of Christmas- zing!). It’s really starting to piss me off.

Any permutation of “Chanukkah” or our other holidays aren’t even recognized in Microsoft Word, yet Christmas, Easter and the rest of them are all in there. I got to stay home from school and work on all the Christian holidays, but if I want to take off one of my own? It’s an “excused absence.” Excuse this, mofucker.

Holiday movies are also liable- have you ever turned on the TV in December and seen a film called “A Chanukkah Story,” or “It’s A Nehadar Life?” Hell, no! The closest thing the Jews have to a feel-good film is fucking Schindler’s List. I’d even take a good romp about a Bat Mitzvah killing spree a la Black Christmas.



Have any of you ever realized that Santa is a perv, by the way? He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he sneaks into your house and steals all the cookies. Holy shit, does he watch you in the shower, too? No, thank you.
Plus he only comes once a year, probably when a kid is sitting on his lap.
Anyway, it’s hard to stay cynical with New Year’s (a.k.a. “I Did What???”), my birthday (a.k.a "I Did Who?"), and my BLOGIVERSARY! right around the corner. I have a ton of shit planned for the next couple of months, so try not to wet yourselves with anticipation.

BTW, here’s one of the glorious developments I’ve come up with:

I’m totally jealous of my friends with webcams who were able to participate in the Karaoke Blogroll, so I’m making a blogswap of my own that I can indulge in also, because it’s mine! MINE!

Um.

So here’s how it works: Pick a movie that’s so bad that it’s unintentionally hilarious, and review it. You can vlog, you can write, you can do an interpretative dance covered in banana cream, whatever. Just be creative. The sign-up sheet’s going to be completely randomized, just like a real blogroll! Hooray! This month’s topic is horror movies. If you want in, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by December 15th.


That’s just a preview of the ingenious takeovers I’ve been building upon for the rest of 2010. You know I’ve got more shit coming up, so stick around for that scintillating winter wonderland.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

HOLY SHIT.


It's not often I post twice in one day (actually, I've never done this), but I found this really fucked up video that I had to share with you all because I am terrified and need to alleviate the pain. I found this ad for Orangina while I was surfing around Pajiba.com and immediately subjected everyone in the 20sb chat to its heinous creepiness so I wouldn't be alone. I feel so violated right now. This is just...no.


http://www.pajiba.com/videos/-i-have-a-very-confusing-erection.php


WTFWTFWTFWTF?


I hate you, Internet.

I'M THANKFUL FOR THIS

Yup, it's Bloggerstock time again, and this month I was fortunate enough to be paired with Michael Venske over at React/Impact. At first I was worried that this was clearly NOT a match, because if you happen to read his blog, it's classy as shit. I mean, dude writes about the New York Film Festival and everything.

However, when he emailed me his post, the first thing he told me was that he "liked my disclaimer," which kind of got me excited because I thought he was coming on to me. Then I remembered that my blog actually has a parental guidance button.

Oh.

Then after exchanging emails, Michael admitted that he was writing my guest post while half in the bag. That is fucking amazing. I mean, we've all done it, but everyone that's seen me while in my natural state I'm sort of feeling less productive knows that I can barely string together a few coherent sentences, let alone write a full post. I think I just found a new blogoverse friend- or my partner in the greatest heist movie never made.

Anyway, here's his post. To read what I'm not thankful for this month, head over to Gabriel's joint, Playful Paradox.


INFO

Hey, I'm Michael, today's guest blogger from Walk | On | Red. If you're looking for your daily dose of That Ain't Kosher, you can find Nugs guest blogging on Gabriel's Playful Paradox. Also visit Walk | On | Red and see what Jennifer from Starving, Insatiable has to say!
Q:     So, what's this Bloggerstock nonsense all about anyway?
A:    Bloggerstock is a group of bloggers blogging on other bloggers' blogs with all the blog posts linked to one another creating a circle-jerk of bloggy proportions related to one topic.
November's Topic:
This time of year everyone is getting ready for Thanksgiving (in the USA), so a lot of people spend a lot of time thinking about what they ARE thankful for. This time we are turning the tables over! Tell us what you are NOT thankful for!
Before we get to my "unthankfuls," I have to say that I'm excited to be posting on That Ain't Kosher! Any blog that comes with a disclaimer is the tits in my book!

"UNTHANKFUL"

unthankful - 1. Not thankful; ungrateful. 2. Not drawing thanks; unwelcome.
What are you unthankful for?
When I think of the world and all the things to be unthankful for, a few things comes to mind easily: the rising cost of living, cops on a power trip, and farts in enclosed spaces. War, rush hour, and black licorice are a close second. And while I could write extensively on how unthankful I am to overhear my neighbors fornicating, I'm seriously struggling with how to write about what I'm NOT thankful for...

Wait! That's it!
Writer's block coupled with fear! I am NOT thankful for writer's block or fear!
For the past few months I've had an idea for a one-person show, but I can't get it onto the page. For the past few years I've had a story (see my Bloggerstock: Theme Song post) I've wanted to put into words, but I can't. It's possible that subconsciously I assume that if I write said one-person play and story that I'll be putting myself -- heart, soul, reputation, career -- on the line and I could fail.
Yikes! That's some scary stuff to realize!
In an effort to conquer my fear and deal with my writer's block, for five minutes I'm going to do some free-writing with my eyes closed. I'm not going to edit the content or censor myself. The following are just thoughts pushed from my fingers.
Five minutes on the clock. Timer's ready. Set. Write!
I need a fucking desk! There was a Bloggerstock post question a few months ago that asked about what was one your desk... I didn't participate because I don't have a desk. I have a laptop. I don't have a desk. If I had a desktop, I suppose I would need the desk, but I jus take my computer with me everywhere and... That's probably it. I don't have aa homebase to write at. I don't have my "comfort zone." Yeah, I need a desk. I'm moving. Moving in the middle of a middesota winter. I don't know if that registered, I'm gonna type it again: Minnesota winter. Yep. Technically I'm moving tomorrow I think. I need to drop off the remainder of my deposit and then I'll get the keys... I'm not looking forward to moving up four flights of stairs, but at least I'll be warm while I'm busing things in and out of my car up the stairs... I didn't really want to move, but it's one of those crappy grown-up decisions I had to make in an effort to save my home. So I'm leaving, renters are coming in. On the plus side, my new apartment will be right next to my favorite bar. Not that it really matters, but it's always nice to know a nightcap is just a few flights down. Pause. Pause. Pause. The important thing is to keep writighting and keep teh fingers moving. For afew beats there I stopped and let my fingers rest and my brain think. I suppose that's probably a mistake. I turned my screen off so i can't see what I'm writing, I wish I could, but that's probably wise that I can't. I'm kinda in love with editing as I write and it's a serious problem. Subconsciously -- THAT'S TIME!
Okay. I think I know what I need to do: write. every. day. Honestly, that's part of why I separated my acting blog from the-things-I-want-write-about blog -- so I could write about whatever I want and not worry about offending a potential client, director, etc.
Bloggerstock, thanks for helping me get to the root of what's been bothering me!

Michael Venske (Walk | On | Red) is a Minneapolis-based actor & educator whose career highlights include hugging Grammy-award winner Chuck Mangione and being paid. Michael has been blogging on and off for nearly ten years. Read other subjective thoughts at Walk | On | Red or his acting blog.