SOCIAL DISTORTION

A few days ago I realized that in my first post, back in December, I mentioned this friend that I used to have that totally screwed me over, and then I promised to explain later. So, that never happened. Whoops. Sorry about that. In case any of you actually care, here's my "explain later," for two reasons: one, because I don't want to look like a liar, and two, because I'm past due for another blog post, and I have nothing specific to write about. So here it is.

I met this girl (we'll call her "L," for the sake of protecting my own privacy) in college, and we were instant friends. We became really close really fast, and we bonded over the fact that our professor looked exactly like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. I'll chalk up our eventual implosion to the fact that we grew tight pretty quickly, and we really didn't know each other as well as we thought, and therefore I didn't realize that she was a raging sociopath.

I'm not saying that L didn't have some good qualities- I stayed with her for a few weeks while I looked for a new apartment; she drove me to the hospital when I got sick one time; we had our favorite restaurants, favorite movies, favorite TV shows (Top Chef night was a staple with us). Our families were like second families- we got invited on all each others' family vacations. She had spare keys to my apartment. It was like we were a married couple, without the terrible sex or the long-settling resentment.

After a couple of years, things started to turn towards the negative. L would chastize me for bringing up comic book references even though she greeted people with a fist bump (um, hi? WONDER TWINS?) and spent hours a day playing video games by herself. If I didn't like or dislike the same things she did she would give me shit about it and try to wear me down. She "banned" me from watching SVU marathons, Family Guy and ESPN Classic, and informed me that talking about this stuff is why I was single. Excuse me, but the last time I checked, every guy I know loves sports and Family Guy. When Halloween came around, she told me I couldn't spend it with her and the rest of the group because I wouldn't dress up as someone from Mario Party. That was fine with me, because I had a date, anyway. Explain that, resident guy expert. Also, have fun at your Nintendo convention. Loser.

I knew we were on our last legs when she started separating me from some of her other friends because they "didn't want to meet me." And, as if that weren't bad enough, she actually informed me that she'd told some of them that I was "slow." I mean, I know I didn't discover a new Theory of Relativity or anything like that, but I'd like to think that I'm right up there in terms of intellectual thinking. I didn't even know where the fuck that came from. Anyway, you'd think with the constant "reminders" L gave me that I had a minimal social circle (unlike her, of course- she took her phone to the bathroom with her in case she missed a text), she'd want to introduce me to as many people as possible.

To my relief, the end came pretty rapidly. Even though she had a boyfriend that was a total tool that followed her everywhere and missed all the signs that she was fucking, like six other people- without protection, of course, because I was the dumb one- she still accepted a date with a guy that she worked with. We were hanging out at my apartment one day when she told me about said excursion- a trip to see the local minor league hockey team. I said that it sounded like fun, and for the rest of the day, she kept dropping hints that she wanted me to go, so it "wouldn't be a date." She even thought that I might like him, so I agreed to go.

I swear she set this up to be an epic failure. The guy, who we'll call "R," calls her to let her know he was on his way, and L lies to him that I had invited myself. Great, now he hates me for horning in on his date. It didn't matter though- as soon as he picked us up I realized that the dude totally looks like Beavis, from the MTV cartoon. If they ever do a live action movie, I'm serious- no audition needed.

Anyway, we both get into the car and I sit in the back- not exactly a prime conversation spot. The music gets turned way up and they immediately start talking about people from work. The game goes kind of OK, and I kind of get pulled into the conversation a little bit, and then I get up to get food. I come back, and L tells me that he thinks I'm hot, and that she told him I'm single- which, is weird, considering they'd been making out all night. They then proceed to ignore me, and I get to spend the next few hours watching them eat each other's faces. Considering I never told her I'm not interested, I'm pretty pissed off. I wouldn't ever date this guy- it's the principle. Technically, she's a whore.

The next day, R sends me an IM- I assume that he got my screen name from L. He tells me that he does like me, and he's sorry for hooking up with my friend, and that he knows she has a boyfriend, blah blah blah and shit. Please- I was there. She started it, but it's not like you begged her to stop. He goes on to say that he knows I'm a Jets fan, and invites me to his house tomorrow for Monday Night Football. Then, weirdly, he tells me the plan is to watch the game, and then go to L's house. Even though I find this really odd, stupidly, I say yes.

The next morning, L texts me to congratulate me on my date. This whole thing is way too Three's Company for me- I realize this is retarded, and when R calls me to tell me he's on his way, I let him know that I'm no one's second choice, and cancel. Twenty minutes later, L sends me another text (she's allergic to phone calls), yelling at me for canceling. She tries to force me to go on the date, telling me it will "be good for me." I say no, and the conversation ends. The next day, I realize that L has blocked me from Facebook, and we haven't spoken since.

So, that was it. The end of a really fucked-up era. I've asked for my keys back multiple times, only to be ignored. Whatever, it's not like she'll come here or anything. Unfortunately, I can't get rid of this guy, who's a psycho too, BTW. He's obsessed with guns and shooting people and planning "dates" for us that will never happen. He used to constantly declare his love for me over IM's (I'm dead serious), so I blocked him online, but he still tries to get me on Facebook chat even though I always ignore him. You'd think after a month or two he would get the hint. He used to text me, but he hasn't in a while. I keep forgetting to delete him from my friends list, but now that I wrote this blog, maybe I'll finally get around to it.

Anyway, sorry to get so serious (and so long- thanks for sticking around). Next time I promise I'll be funny again.