AURAL SEX: AUGUST 2010 EDITION

I'm interrupting our regularly scheduled music programming to bring you an awesome gooey treat. A few blog posts ago I gave an award to Dan at From the Head of the Danaconda and it took him this long to acknowledge it (thanks a lot. A-hole). I can't be that pissed though, because this was how he thanked me over at his place:

I don't know her name and I don't know if I should. She gave me an award just for being me. It kind of gave me a boner. Her blog is fun and eclectic and she's a Jew from New York who shares my appreciation for disgust.


Those of you that know me are aware that I've been the cause of (and solution to) quite the shitload of boners, most of them regrettable, but this is the first one that has made me feel all warm inside without having to take care of a hefty gyno bill later. Dan is up for Featured Blogger for September at 20 Something Bloggers, so if you're a member get over there and vote for him. NOW. Don't make me bullwhip you... unless you like that.
PS- Dan- you'll eventually find out my name. I'm planning my homecoming where you make your requisite appearance, so I figure you'll probably need that detail. Oh, and I also bit the balls and got Formspring (there's a link on the homepage), so if anyone really needs to know anything about my personal life that badly, I guess you can always just ask. Don't be a stalker though!

Now on to the tunes!

Lately I've been listening to A LOT of Shiny Toy Guns, the band made famous by their covers of cheesy 80's tunes for the Lincoln car company, and they inspired this month's post on Most Awesome Covers. Qualifications include how hard the band doesn't suck, how their version holds up to the original, and in some cases, cultural significance.

I also don't want any shit about Whitney Houston or The Dixie Chicks. I really, really hate those two versions and refuse to put them on this list. I'm giving you my favorite covers, not chart toppers. Go to Billboard for that.

PS- I must say that it was really fucking obnoxious finding all the videos for these. It took me upwards of two days to write this post, and that's why it's going up so late. I'm not kidding. So don't complain about the quality.

Anyway, here are the Top 40 Greatest Cover Songs, according to me:


RICHIE KOTZEN- Sara Smile (this version is from May 2010)

Richie is actually a family friend who's an accomplished session and touring musician. He's also obsessed with Hall & Oates and has been performing this at his live shows for years. I'm not a Hall & Oates fan, but I have to say, after listening to the two versions side by side, it's pretty fucking close. If you get the chance, you should check out his other Youtube stuff- he writes his own material too. Try to ignore the outfits though- some of the videos are from the 80's.



The original- Sara Smile


Written by Daryl Hall and John Oates

Performed by HALL & OATES, 1976



THE MELVINS- The Green Manalishi (1999)

I threw this one in for my brother. He's a massive Melvins fan and asked me to acknowledge this version of the classic Fleetwood Mac song when I told him I was doing a post on my favorite covers. It is pretty good, actually. I love when artists from another genre interpret a song in an entirely different way- it leaves room for a new audience to discover the band.

My brother is an incredibly talented musician in his own right with a moderately successful unsigned band, and while we definitely don't share the same musical taste (that's putting it mildly), I do respect his opinion and will always promote what he suggests.



The original- The Green Manalishi


Written by Peter Green

Performed by FLEETWOOD MAC, 1970





BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD & CHER- I Got You Babe (1993)

I had to put this in because it's hilarious. Just check out the video. This was in 1993, so Cher was about 107 years old, and she actually re-recorded the song with Beavis and Butthead and is talking to them like they're actual people. I laughed my ass off.

The best part is when they insult Sonny Bono and call him a "dork" and a "wuss" and Cher is like, "well, kinda, yeah." I also love when Beavis sings the musical interludes. This might be the greatest cover of all time.

There's a rumor that MTV is working on bringing this show back. This needs to happen. I'm 100% serious when I say that I will start a petition and mail it to MTV.



The original- I Got You Babe

Written by Sonny Bono

Performed by SONNY & CHER, (1965)





BEN FOLDS- Such Great Heights (this video was from May 2010)

Ben Folds is interesting because he's so eclectic. He wrote that funny prom song for Not Another Teen Movie and encompasses multiple genres. The Postal Service is one of my favorite bands (they're on this list too- keep reading), so I was really excited by this cover.



The original- Such Great Heights

Written by Ben Gibbard and Jimmy Tamborello

Performed by THE POSTAL SERVICE, (2003)





THE ATARIS- The Boys of Summer (2003)

This a superior punk cover of an already good pop song from the 80's. I especially love how they add a modern twist by changing the band reference to "Black Flag"- it showed their influence, and I'm always down with that. When I love both versions, I have to put the song on the list.



The original- The Boys of Summer

Written by Don Henley and Mike Campbell

Performed by DON HENLEY, 1984





INCUBUS- Turning Japanese (live shows)

Forget for a second that this song is most likely about rubbing one out. This is the complete opposite of The Ataris cover because in this case, I happen to think the original sucks, but I'm an Incubus fan and I really like a lot of their stuff. Another one of my criteria for a great cover is that it makes me look at a tune in a different way, and this version does. So, nice work there.



The original- Turning Japanese

Written and performed by THE VAPORS, (1980)





ORGY- Blue Monday (1998)

This one just kicks ass. It amps up New Order's 80's new wave-goth vibe just a little bit and takes it thatmuch over the edge.



The original- Blue Monday

Written by Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook, Stephen Morris and Gillian Gilbert

Performed by NEW ORDER, 1983





CAKE- I Will Survive (1996)

The original is already kind of cool because it's an anthem for women as well as gay men, but Cake played around with it and added their own spin. Also, they put in a bunch of swear words, and we all know how I'm totally against that.



The original- I Will Survive

Written by Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris

Performed by GLORIA GAYNOR, 1978





SID VICIOUS- My Way (1978)

I love the Sex Pistols. Not only are they an icon of punk, but they're also a marketing scheme that actually worked. Sid Vicious is a fucking nutcase, and his version of this Sinatra classic proves that. The dude can't sing at all, but that doesn't stop him.



There are two other noteworthy versions of this track. One is from the iconic punk film Sid & Nancy, with Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious. This can also be considered a great cover in its own right:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arMXYEDuWPg

The other one is from the Buffy, the Vampire Slayer TV show, which ran my life while it was on the air. I was in love with the Spike character and in one of the episodes there's a short clip of him getting loaded and singing part of the Sid Vicious version of "My Way." It's pretty awesome. Unfortunately I couldn't find it online. Bitches.

The original English version- My Way

Translated by Paul Anka

Performed by FRANK SINATRA, (1969)





BOW WOW WOW-I Want Candy (1982)

I love this just because the song rocks. The girl is only 15, and you KNOW that's not a Snickers she's reaching for. Of course, the first time I heard this song I was like, four, so I head no idea and was like, "Ooh! Chocolate!" Kind of like the first time I heard "I Touch Myself" and I used to run around the house singing it. I was like seven years old or something so I didn't figure it out until much later, and then I was like, "EH???"



The original- I Want Candy

Written by Bert Berns, Bob Feldman, Jerry Goldstein and Richard Gottehrer

Performed by THE STRANGELOVES, 1965





THE RAMONES- Theme from Spiderman (1995)

This cover is awesome as fuck. It combines two of my greatest loves, the NYC 70's punk scene and comics, so of course this is making the list. The Ramones are an icon of music and Spiderman is one of my favorite characters, so when I first saw this video I got super excited. Mocking begins... NOW.

BTW, have you ever looked up "spiderman" on Urban Dictionary? It is fucking repulsive.



The original- Theme from Spiderman

Written by Paul Francis Webster and Robert Harris

Performed by various artists





FIONA APPLE- Across the Universe (1998)

Fiona Apple covered this song for the Pleasantville soundtrack, and it's a beautiful version that really frames the culmination of the movie if you listen to the lyrics. They could have gone with the original Beatles track, but without giving anything away if you haven't seen it, the fact that they got a newer artist to cover an older song really ties in with the plot. The whole thing works really well, and the film itself is worth watching, too.



The original- Across the Universe

Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Performed by THE BEATLES, (1969)





DEREK AND THE DOMINOS- Little Wing (1970)

Eric Clapton can do no wrong. That's all I have to say.

Except for that whole "drug addict deal." Yeah, that was a real kick in the ass.



The original- Little Wing

Written by Jimi Hendrix

Performed by THE JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE, 1967





OUR LADY PEACE- Tomorrow Never Knows (1996)

Admittedly, not a lot of impressive shit comes out of Canada- they are, after all, responsible for the apocalypse that is Justin Bieber. However, I do occasionally enjoy listening to Our Lady Peace, especially when they churn out lofty Beatles covers like this one. Even though this was released on the soundtrack to The Craft in 1996, there's just the right amount of modern psychedelia in there to keep the spirit of the 60's intact. Also, it kind of makes you feel like you just took a bunch of drugs. Word.



The original- Tomorrow Never Knows

Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Performed by THE BEATLES, 1966





THE WHO- Summertime Blues (1970)

This one is a famous re-do of a shitty 50's pop song, made incredible by one of my favorite bands of all time, who would later be massacred by Hilary Duff (ugh. More on that later). Just listen to both versions and note the differences.



The original- Summertime Blues

Written by Eddie Cochran and Johnny Capehart

Performed by EDDIE COCHRAN, 1958





VAN HALEN- You Really Got Me (1978)

Both of these versions are two of my favorite rock songs- each of them measures up to the other. As far as Van Halen goes, I lean more towards Hagar than Roth, but this track is easily in their top five.



The first time I heard the Van Halen version was in 1996 in an ad for Nissan. I didn't even know it was a cover, and then I discovered the Kinks version later. I honestly couldn't tell you which version I like better, although I do think the commercial is hysterical.

Here's the commercial.

The original- You Really Got Me

Written by Ray Davies

Performed by THE KINKS, 1964





SHINY TOY GUNS- Major Tom (Coming Home) (2009)

I don't think I need to reiterate what a huge fan I am of this band. I keep checking to see when they're playing live so I can sell myself for tickets (UPDATE- August 21st in LA!!!!!). They actually might be best known for their remakes of shitty 80's songs, but they're actually accomplished artists with their own catalog. It was tough to pick which of their covers I liked best, but "Major Tom" has a slight edge.



You've all seen the commercial for Lincoln, but I'll post it anyway:

And here's the Lincoln ad.

The original- Major Tom (Coming Home)

Written and performed by PETER SCHILLING, 1983





THE SUNDAYS- Wild Horses (1992)

If I hadn't known this was a Stones tune, I would have thought that The Sundays had penned it themselves. Harriet Wheeler's vocals are perfect- I actually like this one better than the original. I first heard The Sundays' adaptation during one of the best and most emotional episodes of Buffy, "The Prom." The placement was so amazing that again, it seemed like they wrote the song just for that scene. Now whenever I hear it, I get a little knotty inside. Before you make fun of me, check out the clip below.



Look at how perfect it was in the Buffy prom scene. Shut up! You would get it if you actually watched the show
religiously like I did.

The original- Wild Horses

Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

Performed by THE ROLLING STONES, 1971





THE BEATLES- Twist and Shout (1963)

This is another one that I didn't know was a cover until my mom told me it was. The Beatles version is much, MUCH better than the boring original.



The first time I heard "Twist and Shout" I was ten, and I was watching the parade scene in one of the most
incomparable movies ever made, Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I'm still jealous of  the Ferris character because if I ever pulled any shit like that I would definitely get caught. Anyway, here's the song in one of the greatest movie scenes of all time.

The original- Twist and Shout

Written by Phil Medley and Bert Russell

Performed by TOP NOTES, 1962





FOO FIGHTERS- Blackbird (live performances)

I couldn't find a video of the whole performance, but I've seen Foo Fighters in concert five or six times already. I've seen Dave Grohl perform "Blackbird" on multiple occasions and it's always incredible.



The original- Blackbird

Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Performed by THE BEATLES, 1968



Also, here's a video that has nothing to do with Blackbird, but it's Dave Grohl, one of my musical idols, recreating Tiny Dancer, one of the most excellent songs of all time, from my favorite movie. A while ago I did a guest post for Allison at My Quarter-Life Crisis on the song that I feel most defines my life, and I so identify with this moment that I had to throw it in.


RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS- Higher Ground (1989)

I've loved Red Hot Chili Peppers for years because they've managed to shift genres so many times without selling out. This Stevie Wonder cover expertly brings in the funk. PS- Check out the last ten seconds.



The original- Higher Ground

Written and performed by STEVIE WONDER, 1973





GUNS N' ROSES- Live And Let Die (1991)

Don't have me killed for saying this, but I'm not a fan of Lennon or McCartney's solo stuff. This version is better
than McCartney's because it doesn't make me want to fall asleep, plus any song where I can listen to Slash bring it home works for me.



The original- Live and Let Die

Written by Paul McCartney and Linda McCartney

Performed by PAUL MCCARTNEY AND WINGS, 1973





STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN- Superstition (live performances)

This is another legendary remake of what was already a classic. After listening to them both several times to find
a good Youtube video I still don't know which one I like better.



The original- Superstition

Written and performed by STEVIE WONDER, 1972






SINEAD O'CONNOR- Nothing Compares 2 U (1990)

The first one doesn't even count. Even the video was an instant classic- it cleaned up at the VMA's. Play the whole
thing- Sinead's voice wrecks that shit.



The original- Nothing Compares 2 U

Written by Prince

Performed by THE FAMILY, 1985









THE CLASH- I Fought The Law (1979)

The Clash is my favorite band ever. When Joe Strummer died I was depressed for a week. When I remembered that they covered "I Fought The Law" I was ecstatic that I had an excuse just to put them on this list. I got lucky that it happened to be a stellar rendition of a song that blew in the first place- The Clash changed the whole meaning and what it stood for. To this day it remains one of their best.



The original- I Fought The Law

Written by Sonny Curtis

Performed by SONNY CURTIS AND THE CRICKETS, 1959





THE POSTAL SERVICE- Against All Odds (2004)

This one is how I stumbled across The Postal Service- I used to work for a guy that loved them and he played me their cover of this Phil Collins song. It had just come out at the time as part of the soundtrack to Wicker Park, and the electronic effects completely changed the dynamic and made the tune creepy and surreal. It actually made me NOT want Josh Hartnett to wait for me naked in my shower, and that's saying a lot.

BTW, the New York Post agrees with me- this made their list of the best cover songs of all time.



The original- Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)

Written and performed by PHIL COLLINS, 1984








IKE & TINA TURNER- Proud Mary (1971)


I don't like Tina Turner's music at all, but I have to give it to this one. Ike used to regularly beat the shit out of her, and let's compare the spiral of their careers. And we're done.

Tina's version is radically different than Creedence Clearwater Revival's, but hers is probably better known, and is now used as a feminine anthem. It was also covered on Glee. Sorry, CCR- you've been booted.

Also, I have to give props to Tina- she's like 70 and her body is better than mine. I hope I look like that when I'm old. Only I won't be black.



The original- Proud Mary

Written by John Fogerty

Performed by CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL, 1969





FAITH NO MORE- Easy (1993); War Pigs (1989)

Yeah, I'm cheating, but I couldn't leave out either of these. "Easy" shows off Mike Patton's vocal skills while adding a blend of rock to The Commodores' original R&B. Meanwhile, their "War Pigs" cover sounds so much like Black Sabbath that it's almost uncanny. Check out both links and judge for yourself.


Easy: 



The original- Easy

Written by Lionel Richie

Performed by THE COMMODORES, 1977





War Pigs: 



The original- War Pigs

Written by Tony Iommi, Ozzy Osbourne, Geezer Butler and Bill Ward

Performed by BLACK SABBATH, 1970





THE BANGLES- Hazy Shade of Winter (1987)

Fun (or irrelevant) fact about me: The Bangles were the the first band I ever saw live, when I was three, unless you count Raffi (please don't). I still think they rock because they were an all-girl band that didn't dance around in bikinis and played their own instruments and wrote their own songs.

If you watch the Simon & Garfunkel video, it's really fucking boring. The Bangles revved it up with pop-rock guitars and cymbals and shit like that. When you're a kid, that's about as kick-ass as it gets. All my babysitters in the 80's wanted to be them.



The original- A Hazy Shade of Winter

Written by Paul Simon

Performed by SIMON & GARFUNKEL, 1966





PEARL JAM- Love, Reign O'er Me (2007)

Pearl Jam performed this during VH1 Rock Honors, which I cancelled plans to watch (I'm a loser). Their cover is unbelievable- it sounds just like  The Who. I'm very reluctant about Who covers but this definitely does the band justice.



The original- Love, Reign O'er Me

Written by Pete Townshend

Performed by THE WHO, 1973





SMASHING PUMPKINS- Landslide (1994)

Maybe this version is so good because Billy Corgan sounds a lot like Stevie Nicks. I don't know if that's a compliment or not. Anyway, when someone mentions "Landslide" covers it's usually that horrible Dixie Chicks abortion, but this one is clearly the more appropriate choice. The Dixie Chicks eat ass.



The original- Landslide

Written by Stevie Nicks

Performed by FLEETWOOD MAC, 1975





TALKING HEADS- Take Me to the River (1978)

The Talking Heads have become a symbol of punk rock, and this is one of the reasons that their version of "Take Me to the River" holds up just as well as the original. I happen to be more partial to this one, but that's because I grew up listening to Talking Heads.

Try to forget about that stupid singing fish when you listen to this.


The original- Take Me to the River

Written by Al Green and Mabon "Teenie" Hodges

Performed by AL GREEN, 1974





JEFF BUCKLEY- Hallelujah (1994)

I know this is almost a cop-out considering that this has been redone 17 kajillion times, but when a remake compels me to download the original, it needs to go on a list. Also, this song closed out the night during my recent Massachusetts trip, so I'll always think about Ginntastic and the rest of my Boston crew whenever I hear it.



The original- Hallelujah

Written and performed by LEONARD COHEN, 1984





JANIS JOPLIN- Piece of My Heart (1968)

This is another case where the teacher has been eclipsed by the student. I thought this was a Janis Joplin piece until I had to look up the 10 worst covers (see below) and found out that she took it from somebody else. There's a clear winner here, and it's not Erma Franklin. This is now Janis Joplin's song. Sorry. FAIL.



The original- Piece of My Heart

Written by Bert Berns, Jerry Ragovoy

Performed by ERMA FRANKLIN, 1967





ERIC CLAPTON- Cocaine (1977)

Eric Clapton is one of the greatest guitar players to ever walk on this Earth. The fact that he's probably done
enough of the substance in the title track to kill a baby elephant just makes his version even more relevant (seriously, how is this guy still alive?). Even if you're not a musician yourself you have to appreciate his stunning talent.



The original- Cocaine

Written and performed by JJ CALE, 1976





RADIOHEAD feat. SPARKLEHORSE- Wish You Were Here (2009)

I would push any one of you into a flaming cesspool of urine for Radiohead tickets. Considering Thom Yorke could release an entire LP of dogs shitting and I would buy it sight unseen, this was going to go on the list anyway. Luckily for me, it's actually an excellent cover.



The original- Wish You Were Here

Written by Roger Waters and David Gilmour

Performed by PINK FLOYD, 1975





TODD RUNDGREN- While My Guitar Gently Weeps (2004)

My dad is a huge George Harrison fan and this might be his favorite Beatles song. When I told him my music
column this month was about cover songs, he asked me to put this one on the list. I would have done it for him anyway, but check this video out. Todd Rundgren absolutely fucking nails the guitar solo. I mean NAILS it. The vocals sound similar, too- if you look away from the screen you'll swear you're actually listening to The Beatles.



I make fun of him all the time, but my dad actually used to be pretty cool. Believe it or not, he used to shred with the best of them, before he got really old and started doing finance shit. I think he still picks up the axe sometimes, when he assumes that I'm not looking.

The original- While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Written by George Harrison

Performed by THE BEATLES, 1968





JEFF BECK & ROD STEWART- People Get Ready (1985)

This song has been covered so many times that I almost don't want to put it on the list, but Jeff Beck is a guitar prodigy that didn't even read music. The solo in this piece alone is worth the inclusion. Also, say what you will about Rod Stewart's music blowing goats (I have proof), but when he and Beck were with Faces, it was the best work of his career, and this reminded us of what could have been. Too bad they want to murder each other.



The original- People Get Ready

Written by Curtis Mayfield

Performed by THE IMPRESSIONS, 1965





JOHNNY CASH- Hurt (2003)

I actually saw Nine Inch Nails perform this live, and their version is pretty outstanding in itself. That being said, even Trent Reznor admits that Cash's version is better. I even heard that Nine Inch Nails don't like to perform it anymore. Reznor's been quoted as saying that he wrote it, but Cash has lived it. It's true, and you can hear it in Cash's vocals. I don't know anyone who doesn't like this version. I love it, and I detest country music.



The original- Hurt

Written by Trent Reznor

Performed by NINE INCH NAILS, 1994





SOCIAL DISTORTION- Ring Of Fire (1990)

Here it is. My absolute favorite cover EVER. Before you give me any shit (like, "are you high? You have Hendrix, Clapton and The Beatles on this list."), first of all, I have to say, Fuck You. This is my list, and if you have a problem, make your own. Second- no, I'm not high, but if you are, and you're not sharing, you're obviously not a loyal follower and get the hell away from my blog.

Third- I grew up listening to grunge and SoCal punk. Social Distortion has been heavy in my rotation for at least the last fifteen years. They're on tour right now and I'm heartbroken because they're not coming anywhere near the LA area. But ANYWAY. Social D has managed to take a lauded country song (which even I have to admit isn't that bad) and completely switch it up. There's a wall of guitars and heavy drums and it's all-around bad-ass. Mike Ness screams a lot and sounds really angry. This came out in 1990 and I still listen to it at least twice a week. On the off chance that anyone from Social Distortion's camp finds this blog, please, PLEASE come to LA. I'll clean your trailers for tickets.



The original- Ring of Fire

Written by June Carter and Merle Kilgore

Performed by ANITA CARTER, 1963



The Greatest Cover Artist Of All Time: JIMI HENDRIX

I couldn't pick which of Jimi Hendrix's covers should go in the number one spot, so I just made the list without him and gave him his own category. While he had a bunch of hits on his own, Hendrix could also have built a solid career on his cover acts alone. His first single, "Hey Joe," was originally done by The Leaves in 1965, but honestly, does anyone really care about their version? He followed that one up with one of his most famous tracks, "All Along the Watchtower," which was a Dylan cover. He did another Dylan hit, "Like A Rolling Stone" (one of my personal favorites, if you care) at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967.

After going through my entire list, I've decided that the most prevalent cover, not just from Hendrix but from anyone, is his cover of the Star-Spangled Banner that he used to close out Woodstock and define an entire generation. Both my parents still talk about it like it was the second coming of Jesus. I give them a lot shit, but it's probably because I'm bitter that I was born way too late to have been there.


The Star-Spangled Banner at Woodstock: 

His other most well-known covers:

All Along The Watchtower (1968)

Like A Rolling Stone (1967)

Hey Joe (1966)

There's my Top 40. And, just to stay with the spirit of my cynicism, here are some truly awful ones:


FAITH HILL- Piece Of My Heart



Here's an amazing classic song once again ruined by genre and lesser talent. Janis Joplin's vocal styling is so distinguishable that Faith Hill has no business coming in and messing it all up with her stupid country shit and making it all sweet. Congratulations on getting one of my Top 40 Best into my Top 10 Worst, Faith Hill!

The Janis Joplin version- Piece Of My Heart

Written by Bert Berns and Jerry Ragovoy

Performed by JANIS JOPLIN

See the Top 40 Greatest Covers for the Janis Joplin version.


COUNTING CROWS & VANESSA CARLTON- Big Yellow Taxi (2002)



I'm not really a Joni Mitchell fan, but I will say that she's a tremendous songwriter and I have great respect for
her work. I grew up listening to my mom sing along to her CD's, so shit like this pains me. What makes this even worse is that I can't stand Vanessa Carlton, so I have to hear her butcher a huge chunk of my childhood.

The original- Big Yellow Taxi

Written and performed by JONI MITCHELL, 1970





BONO & A BUNCH OF ANNOYING CELEBRITIES- What's Going On (2001)



Remember this one? This came out right after September 11th and featured a bunch of irritating famous people singing along to one of the greatest R&B tracks ever recorded. Of course it was produced by Bono, who'll jump at any chance to shove his "charitable efforts" down the public's throats. The obnoxious video featured all the celebrities with blindfolds on- if you ask me (which you kind of did, since you're still reading), those cloths covered the wrong facial feature.

The kicker was that this was supposed to be for AIDS awareness, but proceeds eventually went to a September 11th charity too. Before you all get on my ass about hating something that was for a good cause, I'm only pissed off that they ruined the song and that Bono is playing Jesus again. Can't you ever just donate money anonymously or something? Jerkoff.

The original- What's Going On

Written by Renaldo "Obie" Benson, Al Cleveland and Marvin Gaye

Performed by MARVIN GAYE, 1971





311- Lovesong (2004)



This pissed me off bigtime when it came out because not only was the cover really shitty, but the movie it was featured in sucked balls, too, which made this version even worse. I've always hated 311 and loved The Cure, so I was really mad about this one.

The original- Lovesong

Written by Robert Smith

Performed by THE CURE, 1989





BRITNEY SPEARS- (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction (2000)



The most offensive part about this cover is that Keith Richards actually liked it. Then again, he's perpetually stoned, so he could have been played a recording of pigeons vomiting and it would have had the same effect.

The original- (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction

Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

Performed by THE ROLLING STONES, 1965





CELINE DION & ANASTACIA- You Shook Me All Night Long (2002)



The only reason this isn't lower down on the list is because the dancing and air guitar are fucking hilarious. The only person less bad-ass than Celine Dion is the toddler that lives down the hall from me.

The original- You Shook Me All Night Long

Written by Angus Young, Malcolm Young and Brian Johnson

Performed by AC/DC, 1980





LIMP BIZKIT- Behind Blue Eyes (2003)

If I ever made a wishlist of people to kill, Fred Durst would be on it. I hate, hate, HATE Limp Bizkit. The Who is one of my favorite bands of all time and Fred Durst is destroying this song. It sounds like there's a hamster in his throat trying to claw its way out. I can't even listen to this. It gets me way too angry.



Now, I'm not saying I would push Fred Durst towards the speeding truck. I'm just saying that maybe I wouldn't warn him that it was coming.

The original- Behind Blue Eyes

Written by Pete Townshend

Performed by THE WHO, 1971





SHERYL CROW- Sweet Child o' Mine (1999)



There is nothing worse than taking a classic, instantly recognizable guitar riff and turning it into cheesy pop. Sheryl Crow manages to take all that is holy and awesome about this song and transform it into evil. No, Sheryl Crow, NO.

The original- Sweet Child o' Mine (1988)

Written by Axl Rose, Slash and Izzy Stradlin

Performed by GUNS N' ROSES





AVRIL LAVIGNE- Imagine (2007)



Avril Lavigne loves to pretend she's all hard and shit and then threatens to "crash the mall" (ooh... bad-ass). Then she goes and pulls crap like this. I'm confused. That's not how this works. I don't like this at all.

The original- Imagine

Written and performed by JOHN LENNON, 1971





HILARY DUFF- My Generation (2004)



What the FUCK? This is really happening. I can't even believe this. This is the most horrible thing I have ever seen. Please get this away from me.


SAVE YOURSELF:

The original- My Generation

Written by Pete Townshend

Performed by THE WHO, 1965



I have a bunch more, but this post is going on 2 days and I'm starting to cramp. I'm also stumped as to the topic of next month's column, so I'm taking suggestions. Shoot me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com or leave me a comment.