SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

This is getting ridiculous: I've been given ANOTHER blog award!

Lilly from A Pre-Life Crisis obviously forgot to take her meds today and has bestowed me with the "You're Going Places, Baby" accolade. I hate to break it to you, Lilly, but the only place I'm going is over to the couch to watch Stonehenge Apocalypse on the SyFy Channel. But thanks anyway! You're awesome.

Apparently I'm supposed to pass this on to a bunch of other blogs that I deem worthy of my time, but I just did that a few days ago. I will, however, partake in the second chapter of this award, which is to tell everyone where I see myself in 10 years.

Oh crap, I don't even know where I'm going to be in 10 days. Um... hopefully not doing the same shit I'm doing now. No, seriously, hopefully in 2020 I'll have an MBA and some kind of marketing job, maybe my own event planning or PR firm. Oh, and I'll have successfully chloroformed Johnny Depp into impregnating me with our third perfect child.

He totally wants me.

A couple of weeks ago I guest-posted on Thoughts of a Randomista (thanks, Lynnorra! I'm planning our second sneak attack RIGHT NOW!). Even though it's my own handiwork, I'm especially proud of this one because it's hilarious, and I decided to post it on my own blog so I have record of it forever. Yeah, I'm a total narcissist, and I also have writer's block. Anyway, here it is- enjoy. It's about a bunch of stuff that- surprise!- leaves me truly fucking pissed off and baffled that it even exists.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

FLAVORED CHOCOLATE

The other day I went to the supermarket while I was hungry (DO NOT do this, ever. You WILL wind up spending a crapload of unnecessary cash in the impulse aisle and you WILL hate yourself) and while I was waiting to be rung up I noticed all this candy with weird flavors.

What happened to plain old milk chocolate? I don't need a 3 Musketeers with mint or truffles. And what's up with this gum that's like an 18-course meal? The worst offender is M&M's. I used to be able to just grab a bag; now I get totally confused. First it was just peanuts, and that was cool. But then they had dark chocolate (which tastes exactly the same, BTW- RIPOFF!) almond, pretzel, coconut, premium- WTF! You can also have them customized with your face. That is so creepy and wrong. Not to mention the commercial for the pretzel M&M's is totally pervy and homoerotic. I miss when I was six and I had a choice of like, two candies and I didn't have to think for an hour.

I do, however, love how Green is slutting it out on the coconut bag. Check out this stunner- she knows what's up.

MATH AFTER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

I am terrible at math. Seriously- without using my fingers I can barely count past ten. Watching me add short columns of small numbers is probably akin to looking at a flaming car wreck. However, I've figured out that this is because math is useless. Depending on what kind of elementary school you went to, between fifth-seventh grade is when you learn to convert decimals into fractions and vice versa, which I guess is important. But everything after that? Complete and utter crap. Tell me when in your natural adult life you use trig, or calculus, or finite math. Answer: You don't.

Especially now with calculators, the only kind of "math" that we really need is the subtraction of carbs and the addition of Clive Owen nude scenes. I'm convinced that all these classes that we're forced to take in high school and college are really just excuses to fill up our schedule so teachers in the other departments can have sexy times in the lounge.

SILENT LETTERS

Silent letters are totally annoying. When you're a little kid and you're learning to read, it's hard enough as it is without having to deal with all this extra shit that doesn't belong there.

Take, for example, the word ANSWER. Look at that obnoxious "w," just hanging out like an asshole, waiting to strike. What the hell is the point of just throwing it in there if you're not going to pronounce it?

They always make no sense, too- like the "g" in the word LIGHT. No one says LIGGIT. Why don't you just say what you mean, English language?

Silent letters are in the same category as the dickhead that sits with his legs spread on the subway- they take up unnecessary space just because they can, and should be slowly scalped with a carving knife.

80'S REMAKES

I'm SUPER pissed about all these remakes of awesome 80's movies and TV shows that should just be left alone. It's like my early childhood is just being shit all over because Hollywood has totally run out of ideas. Nothing is sacred- not horror movies, not action flicks, not storied classics. The day they remake Back to the Future with a flying iPhone in 3-D is the day that I climb a clock tower with a rifle.

MEDICATION THAT WILL MAKE YOU DIE

Have you ever been watching TV and seen one of those commercials for pills that leave you worse off than you were before you took the medication? I just saw a Cymbalta ad and the side-effects were fucking mind-blowing. First they were like, "may cause drowsiness," and I was like, "OK, whatever." But then they threw in insomnia and I was like, "wait. Will I be tired or not?" Then they also said it might cause sexual disturbance, which didn't bother me because I'm already in that category (oh, is that not what they meant?)

But then it got totally fucked up- vomiting, seizures, and suicidal thoughts. Um, isn't that what the medication is supposed to CURE? Just saying.

Birth control is the worst- it probably won't give you a squealing kid, but you might have a heart attack, stroke, blot clot, or early death. Uh, no thanks. I'll stick to condoms. No wonder there are shows like 16 and Pregnant. I'd be scared shitless to take anything if I were like 15 and boning my boyfriend.

Caution: Will KILL YOU!

DATING HOTLINES

The ads for these are totally hilarious. There's always some fairly attractive chick with a toothpaste commercial smile, dressed like a whore, and she's like "all my friends are out having an awesome time at a club, but I'm calling this phone line that's pretending it's not for desperate, sexless losers!" Dude, then make new friends, because they clearly hate you. Then it has a guy's voice on the other end asking to "meet for coffee." Yeah, right. Coffee and BANGING. Like anyone thinks those commercials are real.

Like the girls who call these hotlines EVER really look like this.

THE SHAKEWEIGHT

The infomercial for this is great. It's basically a handjob that claims that it can give you arm muscles. Why don't you save your money and just do the real thing?

Actually, don't. Every guy I know says that handjobs suck because they've all been doing it to themselves since before they could read.

Here's the best part: there's now a Shakeweight for men.

PENISES

Penises leave me absolutely fucking dumbfounded. If you really think about it, they look like sad, dying worms. I mean, I know our fun stuff isn't that enchanting either; the vajay kind of resembles a cartoonist's rendition of a stealth bomber. But at least ours is inside the body and we don't have to worry about poking anyone's eye out.

It's especially horrible when guys walk around in banana hammocks, no matter how hot they are. Do they really think their junk looks like a box of tiny tail-wagging puppies? 'Cause it don't.

No matter how ugly the trouser snake is, though, we keep coming back for more. I'm constantly blown away by the psychological hold a good dicking has on myself and my otherwise smart, competent, totally independent girlfriends. It's why we sleep with our asshole exes, or the guy in the leather with the great ass who's probably riddled with STD's.

The Penis: 8th wonder of the world.

GETTING OLD

Lately I've realized that I've been getting tired at like, 10pm, and sometimes I'll stay home on a Saturday night and do a blog post (or worse- crossword puzzles). When I do go out, I'll often notice that the girls are dressed like total skanks, and I'll nurse two drinks before heading home by 1:30.

Holy shit, I feel REALLY fucking old. Is this what my life is going to be like from now on? I'm not even thirty! How long is it going to be before I appear at my doorway and shake my fist at "you damn kids with your music?" Seriously, what the fuck?

All this stuff has been bothering me for a while. Maybe I'm weird, but I kind of miss when I was a little kid and the biggest problem I had was when my mom forgot to cut the crusts off my PB&J.

Does any of this stuff make you guys want to crawl back into your feetie pajamas, or I am just pulling stuff out of my ass (EW)? If anything really weird makes you that mad, drop me a comment so I don't feel like I'm seriously that retarded.