AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Despite the Monty Python reference, I'm actually not going to be that funny today. I know, you're all in shock. But lately I've been inspired by the fact that I really haven't been that inspired by much at all.

Don't give me that bullshit. I'm allowed to be serious sometimes. If you don't want to hear a depressing rant, come back in a few days.

Don't think I'm lame, but I really miss my family back East. I talk to my mom every day like a fucking pussy, and my brothers and I text a lot (usually about baseball, but still). We have one of those typical sibling relationships where we kicked each others' asses when we were kids, but we all get along really well now (my brothers even live together, which is pretty cool). It probably helps that I like all this guy-related stuff- sports, action movies, graphic novels, etc. God, I'm a loser.

I'm naked without this.

This job hunt is really knocking me out, too. California is one of the states with the worst unemployment rates in the US, and NO ONE is hiring. I even considered going back to cocktailing, which I did like eight years ago and was really fucking degrading, but not even the bars here need any more employees, so I'm stuck doing absolutely nothing. It's really frustrating, and at this point I'd consider whoring myself out to Burger King. That, or an actual whoring out. At least it's money.

Besides that, it really isn't helping that I keep seeing all this New York City-related stuff all over the place. A lot of food places in LA have the audacity to call themselves "New York Style (fill in the blank here)." That's a pretty steep fucking claim that usually turns out to be unbelievably false. The pizza here, for the most part, is laughable, and I can't find a decent black-and-white cookie or bagel anywhere. You're also not supposed to drink the tap water. I can't even believe that! They have to make special "drinking water" containers. Well, excuse the fuck out of me.

They've been showing a lot of "New York City" specials on TV, too. Way to drive the stake through my head, cable. Fuck you, too.



At least I've been getting life updates from home. Two of my friends from the Blogoverse have actually started dating in real life, and while I won't disclose who they are, I will congratulate them here. L'chaim, guys! If your birth control ever fails, that is going to be one hilarious, creative as hell kid who will probably be hot because I at least know what the mom looks like. Their whole story is kind of like a Meg Ryan movie, only a lot less retarded.

While I am really happy for the two of them, though, this does remind me that all my friends and my mom are always trying to set me up or make me join one of those ridiculous dating websites. I don't really care about finding someone to mooch child support payments from, but it does kind of suck feeling like you're the last single person left on the planet. Yes, I know this is an exaggeration, but considering my outstanding track record with those that have called themselves "men," it's getting kind of hard to keep holding my breath.

BTW, the blogging community really is a community. Some of the writers on my blogroll have left incredibly supportive comments reminding me that while LA does bite dick, I have to keep trying to get back East, and when I do, we're definitely going to party. I seriously <3 you all. I won't single you out, but you know who you are, and while this might sound really gay, it has helped to keep me upbeat. Note: you can read some of the comments on my posts.

 

The rest of my inner circle keeps posting these amazing Facebook updates about what's going on with them: vacations, dinners out, promotions, engagements, general hangouts. While I know it's totally unfair to expect the people in my life to just sit around in a dark room waiting for me to return (there can be a light switch in there if they so choose, I guess), it really is sobering to remember that life does go on with or without me.

I did try to tie up as much as I could before I went away, but there were some things that were left unfinished. There was stuff I could have handled differently, and some people I wish I could have fit in the time to visit, but couldn't. I even left some of them on a bad note, and I found out the hard way that putting their Facebook status on hide, or deleting them altogether, doesn't make you think about them any less. When you're forced to leave your hometown, the place you grew up in, there are people that stay on your mind even though you know they shouldn't, even though you're 99% positive they're not even remotely thinking about you, and it sucks.

Anyway, sorry to shit on you guys, but I figure one of these serious Prozac-inducers every six months is enough. The me that you're used to will be back shortly, after I take a nap, get a massage and stop being such a whiny little bitch.

Love You... Seriously.