I know this was supposed to go up yesterday, but as a longtime baseball fan and a New Yorker, I thought it more appropriate that I honor the passing of legendary Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. Really, are you guys that impatient that you can't wait an extra day for some lame post about what's on my iPod? I also owe a shitload of guest blogs and they've all been waiting for like nine years.
Anyway, after last month's Aural Sex column led to a bunch of texts from my friends threatening to out me for my current Lady Gaga infatuation, I realized that in order for my writing to be even moderately successful, I probably have to humiliate myself. Here are some primo examples of messages from my so-called "friends." (Note: I hate you all).
"Hahaha Lady Gaga. I'm telling everyone."
"Gaga! I knew it! You LOSER!"
"I knew u liked Gaga. LIAR. I'm posting it on ur wall." (She did, BTW.)
Sadly, this is the biggest and fastest response I've ever gotten from my friends on any post I've ever done, and as a marketer, I'm forced to subscribe to the "go with what sells" theory. So, just for you guys, I went through my iTunes and decided to denigrate myself by listing the most embarrassing songs that I actually paid money for. I couldn't decide which one was the most horrible, so I just alphabetized them. Feel free to taunt while you take a gander at the Shit That I Lie About:
Berlin- Take My Breath Away
Not only is this is a seriously cheesy ballad, but it plays over a love scene in what's one of the most ambiguously homoerotic movies of all time. I was embarrassed just typing the title into Youtube. My dad came into the room while I was doing this and was like, "really?"
I was briefly comforted by the fact that whenever I used to watch this scene it was pretty hot, but then I found out that the broad is a lesbian, and let's not post any speculations about Tom Cruise even though it's pretty obvious and he annoys the crap out of me.
Daughtry- It's Not Over
I'm embarrassed about liking anything having to do with American Idol, regardless of genre. However, I can defend myself by telling you guys that when I downloaded this, I didn't know that Daughtry was actually from American Idol, so this is actually pretty low down on the scale.
Dead Or Alive- You Spin Me Round
This is by far the gayest song of all time. It's so gay that the dude singing it is actually now a girl. It's quintessential 80's, though, which is why I love it- I have an obsession with that whole decade, even though I don't remember it because I was too young. If you scroll down, 2/3 of the songs on here are crappy 80's songs. My whole iPod is pretty much like that, which is why it was so difficult to narrow this list down to just 15.
I know this song is awful, OK? I can't explain why I like it; I just do. Look at their outfits in the video- they're SO nineties, with the Day-Glo and the hats and the shorts... oh man, I'm so humiliated.
What makes it worse is the commercial they did for Kraft- they actually got back together to re-record the song as "Crumb-believable." (Note: Youtube refers to the song as the "classic single." Um, no.) Mortifying.
Georgia Satellites- Keep Your Hands To Yourself
Haha, this song is so country. It would actually be a pretty good rock tune, but Dan Baird's voice is hilarious, and the video is great- they're riding around on a pick-up truck with hay and shit, like they're on their way to a state fair on a date with their cousin and a couple of pigs. It's such a stereotype, and I will deny until someone actually looks at my music collection.
Great White- Once Bitten Twice Shy
I LOVE 80's hair metal, but this is REALLY fucking bad. It has tinkling in it. TINKLING! Piano doesn't belong here. Maybe it's a good thing no one ever heard from this band again.
I, however, really like this song. Everything else they ever did sucked hardcore, but for some reason I chose to actually buy this one.
The J. Geils Band- Centerfold
I don't know what this song is actually about. Is it some guy who jerks off to a magazine or something? Whatever. It's terrible, I know. But I like the "na's." They make me happy.
Jason Mraz- I'm Yours
This actually isn't a bad song, and Jason Mraz isn't untalented. It's just that everything about "I'm Yours" goes entirely against my rep because it's a cute, sappy love song. Every time it comes on in a bar or a store, or wherever, I will roll my eyes but secretly sing along to it in my head.
See? I have feelings sometimes.
Katrina and the Waves- Walking On Sunshine
Every time I hear this song it perks me up, so I secretly downloaded it and didn't tell any of my friends. Then one of them found out and told everyone. That bitch. You know who you are.
Kelly Clarkson- My Life Would Suck Without You
There's actually a pretty good beat on this song, so I use it to work out to. But again, I loathe American Idol and everything connected to it. I only listen to this at the gym, and I hate anything else she's ever done. BTW, does this picture win the "Photoshop Of The Year" award, or what?
KE$HA- Tik Tok
In my defense, I downloaded this song to work out to and it's buried at the very end of my gym playlist.
Not in my defense, I willingly paid $1.29 for this piece of shit.
The prosecution rests.
Lady Gaga- Alejandro
I've gotten over my Lady Gaga denial that I was in last month, and embraced the fact that her music is, in fact, pretty awesome. Plus 90% of everyone I know loves her, so I can be honest about downloading her shit, even if I do think she's a vile human being that should be slowly crushed by a Mack truck. This song, however, actually humiliates me because if you listen to it you immediately hear the Ace of Base track that it samples and they haven't been cool for almost twenty years (I just TOTALLY dated myself).
Poison- Talk Dirty To Me
I actually love Poison and have a bunch of their shit, but I guess I'll put them on this list because everyone makes fun of me for that. I have a Poison t-shirt that I've been requested by many to never wear in public, and I've been laughed at for knowing all the words to "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" (I still maintain that it's a classic). This song, however, is slightly embarrassing because Bret Michaels actually talks in it, and talking in songs annoys me. If I were ranking songs in this post, this would be the lowest one.
Rick Springfield- Human Touch
Everyone is into "Jessie's Girl," and if you say you aren't, you're a liar. But I'm slightly perturbed by the fact that I know more of Rick Springfield's songs, and that I actually like them. I mean, he was really popular then, but I was like two, so I have no excuse now.
Skid Row- 18 and Life
This one made the cut because people are embarrassed for me. Once I was at a bar with some guys from work and this came on and I identified it out loud, and everyone looked at me like I was a freak. It was awkward, and this song was forever banished to the Mortification Rotation.
Steve Perry- Oh Sherrie
First of all, as an unapologetic Journey fanatic, let me stick up for Steve. His voice is incredible and unmistakeable. His solo stuff, however, blows copious amounts of ass, and this is the only single he ever came out with that I actually like. I am aware, however, that that doesn't mean it's actually good. Once I was in a store with my dad and this started playing, and even though we were done shopping I made him stay there until the song was over. I am such a loser.
PS- check out the video. That alone is reason enough.
Tommy Tutone- 867-5309
This is in no way a good song. I have no idea why I like this.
Vixen- Edge of a Broken Heart
It's pretty cool that there are chicks singing and playing instruments here, but there a lot of more talented bands in this category with much better tunes- i.e. Heart, The Bangles, The GoGos. I have all of these downloaded, so I really have no excuse for this one. I don't know, I guess the song just appeals to me. It could be because they came out at the same time as the all-guy metal bands, so I guess they were inspiring people? That's a piss-poor excuse. They sucked.
"Cherry Pie" is an awesome song that's become a bar band staple that all my friends love, and I'm totally fine with that one. But "Heaven" actually lets people know that I can identify more than one Warrant song, and that I enjoy it, and that's not OK.
Any band that's considered the "Beavis and Butthead wuss band" does not belong in anyone's collection. This song is, however in mine. I hang my head in shame.
See what I put myself through for you guys? All of these are the reason that no one is allowed to see my music collection until they've known me for like, a year. That's usually around the same time people expose their prison record. Please be gentle with your comments, and if you're feeling generous, let me know if you have any hidden tracks on your iPod.