Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Today’s post is super-exciting because  this week, That Ain’t Kosher is celebrating its first birthday!

My music column will be up next week so I can concentrate on giving myself the celebratory love bites that I so richly deserve. I can’t believe I’ve spent a full year of my life writing this blog, but since I lack the brainpower to develop a new medical cure or discover a planet or anything significant like that, this is what I’ve settled for instead. Aren’t you guys proud?

So let’s take a look back at what’s been going on for me since the inception of That Ain’t Kosher:

In December of 2009, I was living just outside New York City. The company I worked for had taken a full-on nose dive and left me without a job, I had just ended a semi-relationship with a guy who turned out to be even more dysfunctional than a broken slot machine in Vegas and I had found out that the girl who was posing as my best friend was actually a flaming sociopath.

Flash-forward to late 2010 (today, for the two of you who didn’t get it), and things are still pretty much the exact same as they were a year ago. I'm trapped in the seventh circle known as Hell-A, crashing in the guest room of my father's apartment like a surly teenager. I still don't talk to that psychotic loser; however, I do have an incredible group of solid compatriots (most of them are back East, though, which sucks for me). I'm still mainly focused on the arduous headache of finding a company that's willing to hire someone whose most marketable skillsets are currently "champion napping" and "able to wrap legs behind her head" (references furnished upon request).

As for my pitiful dating life, I won't even go into that since I've wasted enough of your time already. I will say, however, that dousing myself with invisible man-repellent has given me more than enough time to figure out how to storm the Zombie Nipocalypse and blast those fuckers to Hell. Besides, I'm a lot funnier when I'm miserable.

I originally started this blog because my life at that point had basically become a shitstorm, with one epic fail piling onto the other one. I needed to get my frustrations out and since there were no clock towers around, the Internet was the next best option. I decided to go completely anonymous so I could say whatever I wanted about whoever I wanted. I figured I might get my mom to read it, occasionally.

One year later, I have a shit-ton of followers and an entire new community in 20sb. Enough of you love me enough to vote me Featured Blogger of the Month, and I'm absolutely serious when I tell you that that was one of the most awesome things to happen to me all year. I've even met up with a few of my fellow Bloggers, and I can say with complete, unrestricted, flat-out certainty that they are some of the most bang-up people I've met so far. (One of the highlights: M2'ing it with Mandy Moore at a house party. I'm a little bit frightened for Vegas... but also slightly turned on.)

To all of you who friended me on Facebook, too: Your sextings do not disappoint.

Anyway, I'm back in California as of yesterday. I miss New York and all of you already. It's cloudy here and I'm in bed with a cold, feeling like shit, but at least I have an Internet connection, so expect more blogging and dry witticism from my end.

I was trying to think of an exponentially massive way to celebrate my Blog Birthday with everyone, and then I figured I would let you all decide because A) I'm lazy and B) what better way to share the love without actually giving away any of my cake?

I will cut you.
So there's a poll somewhere up in this bitch. Find it and vote, or feel free to comment and add your own ideas. The winner gets... something. I don't know yet.

Happy Birthday to me! Here's to a better 2011... I hope.

PS- the new header is courtesy of Lor from Late to the Party. I promised her I would do this like, two months ago and I finally got around to it.


Jamie - I'm a guy, btw! said...

Congratulations on your blog birthday...what a milestone!

And a special thanks for the Birthday photo at the!

theTsaritsa said...

LOL at the finest white meat... is that chicken, pork, or ass?

I also hate it when sociopaths pretend to be your friend. I had one of those, and I'm glad she's not in my life anymore. What we need is sociopath repellent!!

theTsaritsa said...

I voted for adopting puppies and making a vlog! You totally should :)

MrsCaptKerk said...

Happy Birthday!

Lost said...

I'm interested to know how the video did not meet their criteria. Who doesn't like a girl that can put her legs behind her head?

Sara said...



I'm so happy you're back and can chat with us regularly again!

Ginny said...

The finest white meet would be chicken nuggets of course.

Christina In Wonderland said...

Happy blogoversary! Did I spell that right? Oh well, it's a made-up word anyway. Does it really mater, Christina? Yes it does.

Oh shit, I'm inner/outer monologuing with myself on your comment section.

Happy one year of Nuggets!!! And here's to another fun-filled Nipocalypse year!

Nicki said...

Awww, Happy Blog Birthday!

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Congrats on your blog birthday, and good luck with your new start in life. I am a big fan of starting over, having done it myself not long ago, and my experience is once you get thru the utter shit storm of change, it comes out way the hell better!

Keep writing, love your cranky self!

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Jamie- Thanks! I hope I'm still here next year so I can post another pic for you.

@Tsa- I think the vlog probably won. I'm already brainstorming.

@The Mrs.- Aw, thanks!

@Lost- I KNOW! You'd think that would be an immediate hire.

@Nips- ME TOO! I missed you guys. <3<3<3

@Gin- Of course. Is there any other way? (No.)

@Christina- My comment section is always awesome because of your outer monologue. Love.

@Nicki- Thanks! :)

@Brahm- Thanks, I'm looking forward to it too. You know I'll be keeping you posted!