Sunday, August 12, 2012

Joy To The World!

Only one annual event has been known to bring out festive Christmas caroling even though I'm a Jew; my delighted jazz hands and (some may say) psychotic celebratory squeeing. It sure as Hell isn't my birthday anymore- in case you missed memos 1, B and MYSTICAL DIVING NARWHAL, Christ, I'm old.

No, the magical yearly occurrence that causes my unhinged tendencies to emerge in full force is the Discovery Channel's SHARK WEEK!, which I anticipate every year and become more and more breathlessly eager for, especially during the summer as the first day grows closer. I post about this every time it's on because I am not insane at all, in any way.

2012 is SHARK WEEK!'s 25th anniversary, so they are guaranteeing extra dance-worthy moments. Can you name any other television program that has stayed this consistently awesome for two and a half decades? No. You cannot. Law and Order was on for 20 years before it was canceled, and it was pretty cool, but that even started sucking after a while. To prove that SHARK WEEK! is truly the greatest event in TV history, I have teamed up with Trista from Tristachio to bring you the most excellent video you will ever find on the Internet, even counting porn. Enjoy.

PS- we're definitely thinking of making this Youtube deal a monthly Thing. Kittens BAM-POW'ing to Batman? Penguins waddling to Golden Girls? Let us know what you like- we're taking requests, and we're aware of what we just opened ourselves up to.

Haha. "Opened ourselves up."

This year's host of SHARK WEEK! is Philip DeFranco, who apparently is some dude from YouTube who I've never even heard of. Here's his Wikipedia, and I'm less than overwhelmed (so I guess I'm... whelmed?). Though I did just come across this bit of info, and now I can't wait:

"Philip DeFranco, of 'The Philip DeFranco Show' on Revision3 will host the nightly event, asking people to Tweet their votes using hashtags that will appear on the screen and to vote through a live poll on Facebook. The results will be tabulated and the item garnering the most votes that night will fall victim to the shark's 6" long razor-sharp teeth and crushed to bits for all the country to see."

However, everything else about SHARK WEEK! is super badass, as usual. I'm preparing for this like some women plan for their wedding, and I probably just found another reason why I'm single. I have an enormous shark pillow and an Air Swimmer.


Also, although I pleaded with everyone I know to buy me this dress, none of you assholes listened so I guess I'll just have to wait until next year.

Come on! It's a big birthday!
I also bought Shark Bites, like I do every year, only this time, I actually tricked some of my friends into sharing my insanity and they are coming over to enjoy the SHARK WEEK! Drinking Game with me. This Game is a highly celebrated phenomena which includes several steps to getting wasted within ten minutes, including changing the channel when you see those pussy-ass nurse sharks that don't eat people. I often like to add my own varieties such as chugging your drink when you see either a Great White or a Hammerhead, or downing a double shot when a shark attacks an animal or a baby. Bonus if that animal is a seal.

PS- I may or may not have photoshopped a picture of myself, as a shark, with Chompie, the Discovery Channel's SHARK WEEK! mascot.

Guess which one.

Our children would be shark-cellent.
Just in case you guys are thinking of skipping this and watching, I don't know, like CNN or something, I am no longer accepting any of the excuses I got last year, such as:
"I don't have cable."
"I'm getting married that day."
"I'm in the emergency room."
"I'm in prison."
"I'm allergic to fun."

Here are some of the new episodes of SHARK WEEK! that will help you with your decision to call out to work with Ebola:

AIR JAWS APOCALYPSE Sunday, Aug. 12, 9pm
Two idiotic photographers try to get WAY too close to a hulking Great White named Colossus who apparently dominates- and eats- all other sharks in his path. This should be pretty funny.

SHARKZILLA Monday, Aug. 13, 9pm
This would be worth watching if only for the SyFy Channel-ish title alone. This is an entire hour dedicated to the Megalodon, which apparently is the largest shark ever (EVER!). I give it an over-under  of seven minutes until I'm completely shit-faced.
Mythbusters AND sharks? Two of my favorite things on TV at the same time? Where do I sign?
SHARK FIGHT Wednesday, Aug 15, 9pm
There better be pillows and toenail painting, and not some sentimental crap about survivors or some bullshit.

For a complete schedule of all things sharktastic, go to the Discovery Channels' SHARK WEEK! website:

Old episodes of last year's SHARK WEEK! are going on right now on the Discovery Channel, but I'll forgive the fact that your TV isn't on because maybe you didn't know that. I'll be on my couch, all week, with my sharkalicious snacks and my flying remote control shark, already planning 2013's festivities.

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