Monday, May 17, 2010

SATURDAY NIGHT FEMUR


If you care, my weekends usually go something like this: Thursday night karaoke-and-beer fest, Friday night randomness and Sometime Sunday kickback. Saturday nights are reserved for the amazing glory that is the SyFy Channel's original movies. And by "amazing," I mean deliciously awful.

I first discovered the SyFy movies from my dad. He called me one night and mentioned that he had seen a new instant classic. Some of Dad's favorites consist of the first Superman and The Natural, both of which I love, so I was immediately intrigued. I was then instructed to download the promisingly titled Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. This movie is definitely going to win an Oscar- it features Debbie Gibson doing it in a closet, not to mention the master thespian Lorenzo Lamas. The sets are perfection- you can't tell whether it was filmed on location or with construction paper.

As brilliantly shark-tastic as it looks.

It's hard to choose just what's the best part of the SyFy movies- the seamless editing, the flawless set design, the award-worthy performances- or maybe it's the way the characters decide to take off their tops for no reason other than that the script calls for it. One of the greatest SyFy moments is in Dinoshark, when the believable actress portraying the "marine biologist" decides to warn the other team members the shark is coming to eat them by wriggling out of her shirt- and then walking away without saying a word. I literally watched it and went, "What?" I would play you guys the clip, but they were all taken down. Sad. Here's a preview, though:

He's laughing at the script.

Or perhaps you would be more satisfied with the epic Mega Piranha, which showcases Tiffany (yes, that Tiffany) and some karate guy with a machine gun delivering roundhouse kicks to mutated fish that rocket-launched themselves through the roof of a house. It's as wonderful as it sounds. I kept waiting for Tiffany to tell the piranha, "I think we're alone now," but no dice. Check this baby out:

PS- Greg Brady plays a senator or something. I KNOW.

The production team at the SyFy Channel obviously can't be bothered with minute details such as plot, dialogue or acting skills. They're much more concerned with the real questions, such as:

-Which washed-up '80's and '90's stars can we hire that are desperate and/or broke enough to land direct-to-DVD roles?

-How many synonyms are there for the word "big?"

-How can we waste our budget on flying body parts instead of actual sets, costumes or non-recycled footage?

-Why are we so turned on by altered sea creatures?

Just in case I haven't convinced you to give up a Saturday to ice cream and Sea Snakes (another gem, this time starring Luke Perry as Dylan dressed like a naval officer), SyFy released a press release warning us to watch out for what promises to be the greatest movie of all time: Sharktopus. I don't know when this is supposed to come out, but based on the title alone, I'm there. They even have a poster to whet everyone's appetite. Observe:

Oh, yes.

The best part is that most of the SyFy Channel masterpieces are brought to life by Oscar-winning producer Roger Corman. Yes, I did just say Oscar-winning. I couldn't believe it, either.

With Lost coming to an end next week, I'm going to need some good sci-fi programming to tide me over. V blows, and while Supernatural is pretty great, it really doesn't qualify as science fiction, although it does have Jacob and MiB. This is why I'm so obsessed with these cinematic achievements- not only are they unintentionally hilarious, but some of them are available on Netflix. I suggest you check out every single one of them.

2 comments:

Ginny said...

one night at 3 am I was a bit drunk and started watching sci-fi. It was some vampire movie and I thought the main actor was Bon Jovi. I decided I was drunk and wrong. But I wasn't!!! Come to find out Bon Jovi is in a vampire movie and was Bon Jovie vampire slayer. Thank you sci-fi.

That Ain't Kosher said...

Hahaha! I saw that one. It was awful. They also showed this horrendous vampire movie called "Skinwalkers." Good God.