Friday, July 29, 2011

Oh, Canada: A Rebuttal (Emphasis On BUTT)


Last week I wrote a post about my failed hookup with a slab of Canadian Bacon. I honestly didn't think my story-telling skills were that terrible, but they were obviously bad enough to turn off three of my followers. I have no idea why they chose to quit reading That Ain't Kosher, and at first I figured that they were disgusted by my PG-13 re-telling of my non-existent sex life.  Seriously, though, that's pretty pathetic, seeing as how my details weren't even that graphic. A couple of my friends read it, including those of the hardcore Christian variety, and their response was to laugh their ass off and tell me I was "full of win," so whatever.

So I have determined that those few pansy-asses jumped ship due to my denouncing of the Canadian persuasion. Really, guys? Considering you're solely responsible for unleashing the Satanic horde that is Bieber Fever onto this Earth, I'd say I went pretty light on your asses. That's reason enough alone to to detach your entire country from this continent. I mean, before, Canada was one of those places everyone wondered about but never went to, like Narnia, with big closets and a secret language and a talking fucking magical lion. Now you're famous for Bieber, so, uh, congratulations.

Look at the devil eyes. I fucking knew it!

At any rate, the fact that I lost three followers is mildly unsettling- as much as I like to talk shit about the border, I will admit that it has its redeeming qualities as well. So here is my attempt to call off the maple leaf-wielding masses with my official list of Canadian Things That Don't Suck, Kind Of.

1) MY BEST BLOGGITY FRIENDS
Believe it or not (probably not), three of the most awesome people I've ever met are all located in Ontario. Two of my favorite bloggers, Tabs and Allison, both call the province home, and, in an honorable mention, Amber Lee of AmberPeace, has 51 COUSINS in the city of Windsor.

Not only do I have some amazing girlfriends I can crash with (uh, did I not mention my special invites? OH HAAAAI), but my oldest friend, who's put up with me since we were both in high school, coincidentally also lives in Windsor. This guy has been with me all through my adult life, and now that he's pushing thirty (AHAHAHAHA) I'm planning a Toronto vacation next year for the big birthday. We're like brother and sister- you guys can blame him for my football obsession, and I definitely wouldn't have passed high school chem if it weren't for his "tutoring" (or the fact that I emailed him all my assignments- I am still anonymous, right?). He's in med school now, which I can't even believe when I think that I met him when I wasn't even legal driving age. He knows who he is, so I'll just say thanks.

B) HOCKEY
I went to my first NHL game when I was probably around eight years old, and I've been hooked ever since. Hockey players are hands down the toughest athletes in pro sports- you try getting back up when your throat's been slashed by a skate blade and moving around the rink with masses of pounds of padding strapped onto your body. For those of you that haven't put it together yet, I'm an obsessive Rangers fan, which means that while I don't have any active extreme rivalry with any of the Canadian teams, Montreal is fucking awesome and they share our conference, so they're fun to root against.

When I first went to hockey games with my brothers, who are hardcore hockey fans, the players were rougher and the fights were way more frequent and totally Jerry Springer-esque. I remember seeing two players smash each other up against the glass right in front of me at a Kings game (I saw Wayne Gretzky play live, FYI). Now the violence is toned down somewhat but the action is just as intense. I seriously recommend going to at least one NHL game in your lifetime- even if your home team blows (what up, Isles?).



PYGMY MARMOSET) WILLIAM SHATNER
The Shat is one of the coolest celebrities EVER. Even if you don't think that Star Trek could actually happen (and um, I so don't), you have to admit that his Priceline ads are hilarious. William Shatner is not only awesome because he's synonymous with Captain Kirk, but he also isn't afraid to make fun of himself- he voiced a version of himself on Family Guy and was in the forgettable misfire $#*! My Dad Says. I actually saw about ten minutes of one episode, and WOW.

He's also a Jew, so all is forgiven. Shatner rules.

DD) RYAN REYNOLDS
Ryan Reynolds is shirtless in every single movie, probably because most of his movies suck. That's OK, though: just look at him.



You could bounce coins off of that shit. There's a reason the Canadian police have the word "mount" in their title.

AND FINALLY:

RYAN GOSLING.
I still refuse to see The Notebook, because it looks sappy and retarded, but Good Lord. I'm a Toys R Us kid.




And if that's not enough for you (although why wouldn't it be):



Steve Carrell better move his goddamn head.

Now I'm not saying that if I am ever alone with him in a room there definitely will be assault charges. I'm just saying that there definitely will be assault charges.

So I guess Canada can be pretty cool. I also hear Toronto is really nice, and hopefully I'll be there in February for my friend's thirtieth blowout. Just a heads up, Ryan Gosling, so you can escape while you have the chance.

5 comments:

Coyote Rose said...

Ohh the Beiber. It Burns IT BURNS!

ohhhh Ryan Reynolds you make everything better. Don't talk, just stand there and look pretty.

Allison said...

Ryan Gosling went to High School in my hometown and his family still lives here. He's been spotted many times here. Have I mentioned that I live en route to Toronto?

Blame Usher for Bieber...not us.

Tabs A. Geek said...

I agree with Allison. Usher is at fault for Bieber.

Yes, us Canadians rule.

So does Nugs. <3

(and for any of her hatin readers who might have checked back, I'm one of the conservative Christians who found her sexcapade story hilarious, so IN YO FACES FOOS!).

I love you Nugs.

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Tits- It's OK. Think of The Reynolds and you'll be all better.

@Allison-

Dear Allison:

Although I am now glad I have a pit stop during my trip to Toronto, please never again keep important information like this from me so I can plan my vacation accordingly. Also, if you can, please get Gosling's address so I can not do anything that would be constituted as illegal.

PS- you are awesome.

Love Nugs

@Tabs-

That was EPIC. I love you too.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

I would remind you that we awesome Canadians also brought you Streetheart, Rush, April Wine, and Jann Arden -- fantastic musicians you have likely never heard of.

I apologize for Beiber. And Bryan Adams. And Celine...