Monday, April 04, 2011

BLOGRING: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW

Hey Guys, and welcome to this month's installment of Horrible Movie Reviews. I swear I don't rig these, even though this time I get to host Nyx, and you can also find my skewering of Ghost Rider on Nicole's blog, Sweeney Says. I just get cool people to participate in my shit, yo.

If you want to join in the fun for May, shoot me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by April 20th. The theme is Pop Star Month, and Mandy Moore is making her debut with us. She promises to massacre that bitch who keeps trying to shove her out of the spotlight.

Anyway, here's Nyx being all types of awesome. Enjoy:

Hey Y’all, welcome to another round of movie reviews. This month’s reviews are based on Nicholas Cage movies. Thanks to the marvelous Nugs for setting this up – I love you girlie! Seriously, she’s awesome. If you like what you see, be sure to check out my blog at Notions.





Oh, I’m going to have fun with this.

So, after much deliberation (and procrastination), I picked Con Air as my movie of choice. I must admit, I kind of like it, so I’m not all that sure if this review is going to jive with the whole ‘bad movie’ scene or not, but I’ll just play it by ear and we’ll see how it goes.

So here’s how the story goes: Cameron Poe (seriously, could the writers have picked a more romantic name? It sounds like it’s straight out of a harlequin romance novel) gets into a bar fight with some asshole who was messing with his wife, and winds up killing the asshole. Turns out killing a dude is a big fucking deal, especially since Mr. Poe was an Army Ranger.

Whoopsies.



So Poe goes to jail, flash forward eight years. He’s being paroled. Yay for him, he finally gets to see his daughter that he’s never met. The writers must REAAALLLY want you to like this guy. I mean, heck. He’s southern, supposed to be good looking (guess they fucked the casting up), has a baby girl and a wife that he loves to pieces – enough to go without seeing his daughter for eight years, because he didn’t want her to see him in jail. Does he have any faults? Doubtful.

So anyways, our boy Poe is going to be flown back to his home in Alabama on a plane, where he’ll be released upon landing. Several other prisoners are going to flying as well, in order to be transferred to a new Supermax prison, including one Mr. Cyrus the Virus (played by the excellent John Malkovich). Who, of course, prompts a takeover of the plane (because no one saw that coming).




Insert a dumb authority figure here. Said dumb authority figure would be Duncan Malloy. He’s blustery, has a penchant for corvettes (ok, can’t fault him there), and is an absolute ass.

Really. These Hollywood writers need to start creating characters with more than one dimension.
There’s one other character that I’ve neglected to tell you all about, and that is the wonderful Mr. Vince Larkin. He’s the dude in charge of the plane, and it is *painfully* obvious that Malloy is his foil. He’s quiet and even tempered and totally rational.

Anyway, to make matters short, Cyrus and a few other motley members of the plane take over. They’re planning on running away or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying much attention during this part of the movie. They manage to dupe the authorities several times during this schtick, and eventually they wind up landing at an abandoned airfield. They did, however, manage to overshoot the runway, and so the plane winds up grounded. I dunno how the hell they were supposed to do it, but Cyrus orders them to dig the plane out (I mean, it’s not like there’s shovels lying around).

Poe is, of course, honorable to the end. After a lot of action sequences, blundering from the authorities, Malloy acting like a general jackass and Larkin being the sole redeemer of the authorities, the plane finally gets in the air. Cyrus, by this point in time, now knows that Poe’s a traitor. He intends on killing Poe, but before he can do that Malloy has his pilots open fire on the plane – disabling one of its engines.

Because of Malloy’s stupidity, the plane now has to land short of where it was going to (which was a conveniently located airstrip nearby). So, of course the next logical place for the plane to land was The Strip.
Yea. Genius.

Plane lands, Cyrus escapes. Poe and Larkin give chase. Poe catches up with Cyrus, Cyrus dies, Poe is reunited with his wife and daughter.

Happily ever fucking after.

My opinion of the movie? Campy. Flat. Not a single character had any depth to them whatsoever.

Although, I will admit, I do own the movie. For those nights when I just don’t feel like thinking.

5 comments:

That Ain't Kosher said...

Hahaha... you picked the one with the slow-motion running!

Wait... one?


I love you. Please keep doing these?

Paige said...

haha so this has nothing to do with your post but are you still in the nyc area? cause im officially moving up in august and i think we should totally have like blog parties and shit....right right!!!

Tabs A. Geek said...

I have not seen con-air. I remember my parents rented it once when I was kid, but I wasn't allowed to watch it because it was an 'adult' movie. I never got around to actually watching it once I was old enough. Based on your review, I may just skip the experience entirely.

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Paige- I might! Depends on my work situation. You should def. hit me up when you get in.

Nyx said...

yes. i love the slow motion running. <3