Monday, January 18, 2010


This last post about Twilight got me thinking- am I simply bitter, or do I just hate mostly everything that's aimed specifically at my gender? I realized there's a lot of things I hate that other girls love, and maybe I should list them. Why? Because I'm feeling more cynical than usual. So here they are:

15) Z-100

For those of you living under a rock (or the awesome select few that choose not to listen to the radio), Z-100 is one of those gay-ass Top-40 stations that only plays those miserable popular songs or bad dance hits. Seeing as how the music industry is pretty much a shit sandwich right now, you can only imagine how bad every one of those songs are. I haven't willingly listened to the radio since I was in high school, but every time I get into one of my girlfriends' cars, they have this on their dial. It makes me wish that music were never invented, and that horrifies me.


This is pretty low on the list because it depends on how drunk I am and the level of PDA that is going on. Holding hands- OK, sure. Sitting on laps- depends on where you are and who's presence you happen to be in. But no one needs to see your tongue in someone else's mouth or your hand in someone else's pants. We know you like each other, alright? Now go upstairs.

Get a room, assholes.


I HATE clubs. Yeah, I'll still go to them if my vote is trumped by my friends', but the music is shitty and everyone who's there is usually lame. I'm too old to waste hours of my life standing in line (especially in 20 degrees or rain- I think NOT), and then there's more often than not a cover to get in. Not to mention the drinks are all, like, 11 dollars. The guys are all hideously dressed losers that are just looking to get laid, and the girls are all skanky morons that are just looking to get laid. Most clubs are like a more expensive episode of Jersey Shore, and I'd rather stay home and watch that on MTV anyway (I can't help it- that show is like room deodorizer in a bathroom full of unflushed toilets).

12) "OMG"

I actually have friends that use this all the time, and it irritates the fuck out of me. "OMG" is shorthand for "Oh my god," and people that use it are apparently too lazy (my friends) or too retarded (everyone else) to use the correct phrasing. I guess it's ok if you're typing, but I've heard girls toss this into ACTUAL CONVERSATION. I was once talking to this girl who I thought was smart- she went to Yale- and she actually said, "You are too funny! OMG!" I went to get a strong alcoholic beverage and thanked God I wasn't a lesbian. I'll take a pervert over a moron any day.

You're an idiot.

If Lifetime TV is "Television For Women," how come the women are always getting beaten and raped?

I'd rather watch ESPN.

Robert Pattinson is the vampire from Twilight who looks like a lesbian that doesn't shower. He also can't act and he's like 11 years old. Yet my friends- who are in their 20's and 30's- go nuts over him! I don't understand this! Show me George Clooney or Clive Owen- great-looking, intelligent, talented guys that I actually get why women- myself included- are into. This guy is a clown. I vote no.

Would you rather have this...

Or this? Oh, yes.


Call me an "unromantic" (please do), but I just think flowers mean that a guy is incredibly lazy. To get flowers as a gift means that at the last minute he was thinking, "I know that I have to bring you something, but really, I'm an uncreative bastard and I just want to get laid." A guy that brings me flowers put absolutely no thought into my gift. Plus some of them make me sneeze.


If I'm on a date with a guy, chances are I spent a good half hour on my hair, and he better not be touching it. Then again, if a guy is playing with my hair, chances are he's gay anyway, in which case we're not on a date.

The only way that a guy "playing with my hair" is acceptable.

Ever since I was eight, almost every girl I know has been into Hello Kitty and Crap N Pee or whatever the fuck that stupid frog's name is. It's ok when you're in the third grade, but one semester I had a class with a girl who wore pigtails (which is a whole other story) with barrettes that had those gay-ass characters on them, and she looked fucking ridiculous. I think she was trying to hook a guy with that look, but she's 22. The only guy she's gonna get is a pedophile, but if that's your thing, go for it, I guess...

Seriously? NO.


Nail polish is a pain in the ass. You need total coordination to not get the polish all over your hands, and I don't have it. I guess I just hate nail polish because I'm a klutz. Call it resentment, if you will.


I've always hated figure skating. You kind of want to think the winter Olympics are cool because they have stuff like skiing and hockey and other awesome sports, but then you have crap like gliding around a frozen pond in an ugly sparkly dress. There's horrible music and people moving really fast so I get a headache. People actually have the balls to call this a sport, and that really pisses me off. Any activity that involves twirling is not a sport.



It absolutely baffles me that EVERY SINGLE girl I meet loves these two shows. Every character on "Sex and the City" and "Desperate Housewives" is basically the whore stereotype that women have worked so hard to get away from. What annoys me even more is that everyone assumes that all women watch these shows. I once took a quiz on Emode where one of the questions asked which SATC character I'm most like. How the fuck am I supposed to know? I've never seen it. Plus Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a donkey. She's got great shoes, though.


I used to have this friend (we'll call her "Bridetard") that was 100 percent single, yet had a subscription to two bridal magazines. When I asked her why, she looked at me like I was the crazy one and goes, "Haven't you been planning your wedding since you were like, 5?" Uh, no, Bridetard, I haven't. I hate weddings. You have to spend time with family you hate, wear a stupid white dress (and for me and most of my friends, that's a big fat stretch), and pretend that you're prepared to love this person forever when in reality you're pissed at them for refusing to sign the prenup. Half of all marriages end in divorce anyway. Planning your wedding now is stupid. Get engaged (or hell, find a boyfriend), and THEN focus on the wedding.


I've never even seen this movie and I hate it. In fact, my life's goal is to die without ever having seen "The Notebook" at all. Every single girl I've ever come across always gushes about how great this movie is. "OMG!" They start screeching. "This movie had the best love story ever! It made me cry! Blah blah blah." Movies with love stories make me nauseous. Besides, why would you want to cry at a movie? Movies are supposed to be enjoyable. Or about a guy getting his nuts chopped off. Either one.

This poster is enough to scare me away for life.
And the number one thing I hate that other girls love...


OK, OK. I know what you're thinking. "This girl is one sick fuck. How can anyone possibly hate babies? They're so tiny and cute." No. Babies are not cute. I mean, I was really cute, but other babies look like pugs that have been hit in the face with sparklers. They cry all the time, shit their diapers, and they won't leave you alone to get five minutes of sleep. I'll probably like my kid if I have one, but I get really queasy around anybody else's.

Picture yourself, stuck with this forever.

So that's my list. Looking over it, I realize that this may be why all my friends refer to me as "a guy with boobs." Hmmm...

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